Long story. Need advice.

[Sergei_Amon]

Alright, now. I am a man in his mid 20s who is currently engaged to his high school sweetheart some years after grad. Lately I've been feeling alone quite a bit. Even when we're in the same room, I feel empty and alone. We don't really talk much, we're not interested in the same things, and it just seems as though there's a lot of distance between us in every moment we're together. I've tried bringing this up with her before, and every time I do she immediately asks if I'm breaking up with her. In my past I've always been the bad guy of relationships. I was always too weak, or something, causing the exes to leave me or cheat on me. So I can't find it in myself to do the breaking up because I know it's hard when you're being broken up with. Anyway, long story short on this one, I feel like even though we've been together for 3 years, it was great in the beginning, but nowadays I feel like I'm a single man. Like I live alone, everything done at the house is done by just myself, and I waste away my days just sitting in front of my computer watching YouTube videos and playing games until it's time for work, while she sits in front of hers reading up on fan fictions or something.

When I'm at work, I tend to feel much better about myself, even though while I'm at home, I grudge the very thought of having to go there. People respect me there, everyone loves me like I'm part of the family, and the good times only end when it's time to punch out. Hell, sometimes I go to the old grind on my days off just to hang with everyone. I never had this attention or warmth growing up, and the people I went to school with always hated me. My job is the only place I feel like I was ever in a family.

Well, one of my past girlfriends works at the store across the street and on my smoke breaks, I stand outside and she comes and shares her breaks with me. She was one of the few who didn't cheat on me. Though I'll never know why she left me, because she never said. Anyway, we share our breaks together almost every day we work, and we get along great. She, my fiancee, and I get along great. However, I feel like there are still feelings for her burning inside me. I have to keep reminding myself that we are only friends and that I'm engaged.

That's where my problem lies. My ex and I share many interests and hobbies, we always have fun when we're together, and I have this urge to look after her forever, like an older brother or something. I know I can be over protective, but I've never interfered with her relationships since we became friends after the breakup, and I always try to lend a shoulder for her when I notice she's unhappy, though she'll never admit when she is (but a woman's face is like a book, a beautiful story, but easy to read). My problem is that after the three of us hangout every now and then, I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I go looking through my house for maybe a note our something. A clue she might have left in only a place I would look to let me know she wants me back. I stop after a while and realize it's a hopeless quest, knowing she wouldn't do anything like that. But I want to believe she does have feelings for me. She acts the way she did when we were together those years ago. She is just so lovely to be around. Then on Mondays, when my fiance is at work, and I'm off (we live together, I think virus forgot to mention that.) I lay in my bed and try to force my ex out of my head and realize that I'm with my fiance, that we're going to get married, and even if I'm miserable throughout the rest of my life afterward, it's only because I decided to be stupid and propose to someone because she was in a relationship with me for longer than six months, and that I'm certain the only reason she's with me, and the only reason I'm still with her is because we're afraid of living alone.

My fiance does tell me every day that she loves me, but there's just so much emptiness in her words. Hell, sometimes when we're alone and doing our different things on our computers, she will try to break the silence with an irritatingly every 10 seconds, blank and bleak as Hell with her face still glued to the monitor, "I love you." I know hearing those words is nothing to bitch about, and that it can be painful to not hear those words from someone you love, but when they are said out of mindless boredom, probably not even realizing that she's saying the exact same thing, in the exact same tone and time, like she's using a YakBak toy, it's... I don't actually know if it's painful because it's coming from your fiance and she is so numb about it, or if it's irritating because of the bleak repetition.

I can't talk to her about it. I just can't. Every time I try, in the beginning she'll start crying like a manipulative child, and I'm a sensitive guy who can't bear to see the tears, and I'm doing everything I can not to be the bad guy about it. And even if I did leave her. What are the chances my ex would want to get with me? It's not like I'm anyone special. Just a guy who hates himself for his day to day choices that cannot be taken back such as getting engaged to this drone. In the end, I don't want to be alone, but when I'm living with my fiance, it strikes me every now and then that if it weren't for the financial difficulties of living with my underpaid job, I can do everything I'm doing now all on my own.

Sorry to vent on my first post on a forum I googled for by typing "love advice forums". I can be a strong guy if I try, but as I've learned with living with my fiance, I'm only allowed to be a listener, not a talker. And when she talks, all she does is vent. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be heard, but I never know what to say. So this is my first attempt online. Sorry if it's all over the place.

[pcmaster]

Its because 3 years ago you both didnt spend so much time near PC. Write her an email - talk with her. Check her facebook page. Thats sick. Only you choose in what side of the screen spend your life.

Have you seen a movie Wall-e ? It could be inspiring.

Looks like everything is in your hands, you just need the willpower to stand up and take the action to fight for things that is importand in your life.

[Sergei_Amon]

Thanks. I'll try that. I'd love to rekindle the relationship between us, I guess I'll try that. But as far as seeing movies goes, she's up for it from time to time. Maybe I'll play one for us today. I'll let you know how it goes later.

[pcmaster]

It really seems that your life is easy, without any major tragedies so basicaly theres should be happines. Feeling of helplesness could be from passivness and concentrating on the wrong shit. Life is easier when you live it. Let yourself be happier.