Help with love and life

**Wraiths** · 03-01-11, 06:11 PM

This is the first time I've ever told my story, I'm not sure if the reason I'm telling it now is because I actually need help or the simple act of expressing myself or putting words on paper will make me feel better. This may feel more like a short story than a post on a forum

I apologize if this post is too long for anyone to be bothered to read.

The Start

I'm 16 years old, I live in Australia, I'm an avid player of Video games and that is exactly how it all started.

I played the notoriously addictive Massively Multi-player Online Role-playing Game "World of Warcraft" Quite often. And whilst on there I met someone who has played a serious part in my life. For the sake of anonymity we'll call her by her screen name. Xantara

After we met played together a heap and talked. We became pretty good friends. She had a Boyfriend who seemed alright, but after knowing them both for a while I came to realize that Xantara's Boyfriend was abusive towards her and an all-round dick.

After a few Months of knowing her and talking to her everyday I came to know her quite well. One day when she logged online she was distressed and telling me that she thinks that her boyfriend may be breaking up with her. Eventually it happened.

The Breakup

She would always cry when she got online and me and another friend that we'd made online would try to comfort her as best we could and tell her that he wasn't quite the saint she thought he was.

During the time they were broken up for, at some point when we were talking. She said that she loved me. I didn't think that much of it and thought it to be just joke, because honestly, who could love someone as pathetic as me.

He would send her messages every so often calling her every name under the sun, threatening her, threatening to burn all of the things that he had at his house of hers.

This went on for awhile until eventually she got over him, he gave most of her stuff back. They would talk occasionally. At some point he asked if she would like to go get lunch with him and talk. She accepted and before long they were back together.

Absence

Since they got back together I rarely saw too much of her or talked to her. I was worried for her that she was back with her abusive boyfriend.

It wasn't something that suddenly occurred to me, but something that slowly came over me. I realized I loved her. I hated myself for it, because I didn't want to be the person who supposedly fell in love at such a young age or that their whole life revolved around having a girlfriend.

I would think about her all the time, and I guess it was the matter of "You don't know what you got 'till it's gone" type of things.

I hadn't talked to her for an extended period of time. Relying on my memory it's hard to tell exactly how long that was.

One day I noticed she was back online and we started to talk.

Catching up

Soon enough we were talking to each other again. She told me that she had moved in with her Boyfriend and about how her life was going.

We were back to our old selves talking and getting along very well. I made it no secret that I detested her boyfriend. She once asked me why and I told her that I can't forgive him for the horrible things that he had said and done to her, and that she deserved the best.

One night when we were staying up I told her how I felt.

Confessions

I asked her if she wanted to watch a live broadcast of a video game on the internet with me and some mates. She jokingly asked if it was because I loved her. And I simply said yes. She couldn't believe that I did and I was telling her to please forget about it that it didn't matter and she said that she can't forget about it and that I know why. She loved me too.

I kept on telling her that it didn't matter that I loved her because of a number of reasons; She was already in a relationship, We met online, We live in different states, She's four years older than I am, I'm not a good person and that she deserves better than me.

She told me that she didn't love her boyfriend at all and that he's even more abusive than ever. She convinced me that it was alright for us to feel this way about each other.

We started to get on better than ever. She told me that she's trying to move back in with her parents.

Moving Home

After a fight that she had with her boyfriend his mother told Xantara to get out of the house. She moved back in with her parents. And slowly by slowly she started to get her stuff back from her boyfriend. And everything was alright for a while until her parents kicked her out of home and she had to go back and live with her boyfriend again.

And as it happens, this brings my story to the present day.

Present Day

I've lost touch with her again and we hardly talk. She was the only thing that really made me happy in life. I think about her everyday. I'm not happy with who I am, I hate myself, I've often thought about suicide Not that I actually mean to do it. I couldn't put that on my family and the people around me. I'm too scared to perform it as well. All I know is that I don't really want to go on living. She was the only good thing that ever happened to me. She's the one thing that makes me wake up in the morning.

I've tried to make contact with her recently and talk to her, she recently told me that she still loves me but I'm not really sure. She doesn't seem to want to talk to me. As it turns out, she's online right now while I'm typing all of this out. I can often see her online with a friend that I introduced her to, he's the one person who knows about her and I. I don't really speak to him too much either anymore. Whether they're involved or not I don't really know. I don't really care either. He's a better man than I and if he ends up with her that's fine by me. All I care about is her being happy.

There's a whole lot of things that I have left out of this both intentionally and unintentionally. I don't really know what I think I'm going to gain by telling you people all of this, but here it is. Make what you will of it. If you want to ask me some questions, please, go ahead.

**BeneathTheSun** · 03-01-11, 11:41 PM

You seem like a very smart person in my opinion, and I too have been addicted to world of warcraft, and now I can only talk about with a hollow stare and a shutter. It prevented me from living my life because it became a substitution to my life. I know that “quitting world of warcraft” was not your problem but I want to point out that world of warcraft is not real life and whatever happened in-game, even if it is with real people, is not real.

This girl seems a bit unstable, and you’ve done one massive error in all of this. When you thought off yourself as being inferior to her and that she deserves better. You would probably be one step up from the dirtbag she is with. But here is the kicker, as long as you don’t love yourself what is your love really worth to someone else? How can they accept your love? “I’m being loved by someone who thinks of himself as worthless, therefore his love is worthless.”

You are young, and I don’t want to be this person but you are actually too young to really care about these sort of things. I’m nearly 10 years older than you and I don’t remember what I did when I was 16. I’m not saying that what you are going through isn’t real but you will not remember this in time.
My recommendation to you is to find something besides world of warcraft that you are good with and then improve that skill so you get something to be proud about. As long as you think that “getting that epic gear” is an achievement, the rest of your life, with girls and such will have to wait. Girls love boys with passions so find yours.
And next time, don’t undermine yourself or act like one of her girlfriends, if you want her, be the man. When you think about a relationship what would you rather be? A sentimental friend with a shoulder she can cry on or the strong male protector that she is attracted to?
I think you have everything going for you. You are smart, you are very insightful and I think you could become whatever you want if you only got into that mindset that you deserve good things.

If you only remember one thing from my reply, remember this, world of warcraft puts your real life on hold. I don’t say that you have to quit, but find something beside it to improve.

**twinrexes** · 04-01-11, 12:06 AM

I agree with the previous poster that this girl is unstable. Both her parents and her boyfriend's parents have asked her to leave.

Her online personality can be whatever she wants it to be. You were having a "virtual relationship". So you're in love with a persona, not a three dimensional person. You haven't had to interact wtih her, deal with her all day every day, and work through petty arguments with her like couples do when they're with each other all the time.

You're very intelligent and therefore more prone to depression than average. Studies show that those who see the world more clearly, and not through rose colored glasses, are more likely to be depressed. Also you're 16 and at a stage in life where you're transitioning from boy to man. Lots of changes and challenges at this stage of life. Realize that your feelings of not wanting to live are a lot more common at your age than you realize. But they are just feelings, they don't define you. They're not "who you are". Accept the feelings and take some postive actions in spite of them. Set a few lofty goals for yourself. It could be a fitness goal or a decision to learn a new skill or hobby. Anything that floats your boat and keeps your mind and body fully engaged. Notice I said mind and body. Video games are pretty much mental.

**devonbrown** · 04-01-11, 08:22 AM

I agree with the others and the "virtual relationship" comment. You are still young and this whole experience will look differently to you even next year.

But I would really like it if you explored the negative feelings you have for yourself and take steps to deal with them. I think the chances are great that you are nowhere near as bad of a person as you think you are, but negative feelings like that have a tendency to build up and make things worse as time goes on. Please look into getting some help with that aspect of things.

As for the girl, there is not much you can do except doing what you are doing. But don't rule out any real-life possibilities. Don't become so narrowly focused on this girl that you miss all the other ones out there who would really enjoy going out with you.

Good luck.

**Raze** · 04-01-11, 09:26 AM