Emotionally Scared.

[Jlovebird]

It's about to be 7 months with this new guy I'm dating. We have made it through many, many fights. It has been an emotional battle, but not only with him, but with myself. I don't want to make this too long, but I am so confused. We are both in college and the amount of his past sex partners bothers me to no end since I had only been with a few guys before him. I dated a guy for three years, and that ended very badly three years ago and I hadn't dated anyone since him. This new relationship scares me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin it. He has invested so much into me. I am also his second longest relationship, but I'm always so worried and lacking trust. How the hell do I put away these anxieties? I ask for reassurance over and over, and he gladly gives it to me, but clearly that's not enough. We have sex daily, and I'm also afraid that is the only thing that makes him love me. I say I love him, but honestly I haven't been sure what love really is since my ex broke my heart. Is there a way to quiet my scared, running mind and make this relationship last, or do I need to end it? If I do need to end it, I don't actually think I have the guts for that. The last time I was the dumper was 8th ****ing grade and his poor little heart still cares about me. The real reason is I know how badly I was hurt being dumped by my ex with no reason or warning after 3 years, and I would never ever want to make someone else feel that way. They probably won't, but I don't think I can take that chance. Help. Please.

[melancholia]

I don't think you should end the relationship, it sounds like he tries his best to reassure you that he wants to be with you. How bad and how often are you fighting? I think most of your insecurities are normal, but it sounds like the high anxiety is what is making your relationship difficult. You need to take a step back from these emotions and remind yourself why you two are together. Pay attention to the positive aspects of your relationship and take him at his word when he reassures you, and when he says he loves you. Having sex daily is great! That's another positive! It sounds like you feel as though you don't deserve a happy, healthy relationship, and somehow you are subconsciously creating ways for this one to fail. You DO deserve to be happy, and to be with someone who treats you right and who loves you.

It also sounds like you are bringing past relationships (yours and his) into this current one. You're bringing the same anxiety you had in previous relationships into this one, and it's causing you trouble. I think you need to learn to let go of the past, and the pain, and give gratitude for the good things you have in life. I understand having anxiety, especially in a new relationship because being vulnerable and falling in love with a new person is the scariest thing you can do. Trust me, I get it. But you can stay in this relationship and work through your anxieties at the same time. Generally, I am quick to give the advice of being single and focusing on yourself before getting involved with someone new, but this is a little more specific. Your feelings and emotions are normal. Feeling jealous or feeling anxiety is completely normal and valid, and human... it's what we do with those emotions and how we react to them that can manifest in unhealthy ways. I think if you are able to learn to let go of some of these stressful emotions, that it will greatly improve your current relationship.

[Jlovebird]

Thank you so much Melancholia. This was very helpful. Thank you for making me feel like a normal person, because a lot of the time these feelings make me feel insecure. I was single for three years before meeting this guy, and I was really hesitant to date him when he asked me to be his girlfriend, and he really finds me special. I just hate these worries. I want to continue to love him, but it is a struggle everyday bring in a new relationship. We don't find very often anymore, and when we do we bounce back very quickly (and it makes the sex better lol).

[melancholia]

I am glad to hear that you are trying to stay positive, even though it's a challenge for you at times. Keep reminding yourself of the good things, especially when you're struggling. Maybe start a gratitude journal and start writing at least one thing each day about him and your relationship that you are thankful for. Reminding yourself that you are human, and you are normal and that your feelings are valid and nothing to feel ashamed about, is also a good thing. You're certainly not stupid, and it sounds like your boyfriend really loves you. That is amazing!

I wish you all the best!