Have I understood correctly what she means?

[ShyGuy81]

Hello,

I am thinking that the saga has pretty much ended but I just want to make sure that I am not misunderstanding what has happened between my-ex and myself.

It has been 6 weeks since we went on our "break", which as time went on looked like it was actually a very slow "break-up". With conversations we had she never seemed to hold much hope for the future and us actually getting back together.

So last week when I met up with her (she still asks me if I fancy meeting up for coffee and a chat) I decided to try and find out where we stood. I told her that I thought it was a shame that our relationship didn't work out (which it is) as we got on so well as friends but the relationship never seemed to work.

Her reply to this was she felt the same but she was happy this time that she managed to end a relationship maturely without any arguments, fighting or by cheating on me.

Now I take this to all mean that it is over between us, the relationship has ended. I still have some of her stuff which I am moving back over to hers, but we obviously still need to keep in touch.

I even found out that one of the bands she likes is playing in her city soon and told her, her response back was that she would have to find somebody to bribe to go with her. Ordinarily she should have gone with me, again giving the impression that it is over.

Have I understood correctly, is it actually over? From what she has said I take it that it is which means it is time to start moving on and getting myself back on my feet.

It is rather confusing but we have drifted apart over the past 6 weeks, I feel that it has ended and she gives the impression that it has ended as well.

Lee

[joanne]

it's very difficult,but what i can see in your story is that it is over.by the things she said yes. i know you have feelings for her and i think maybe she has them too.but she has made a decission to move on with her life and six weeks is very short but it's better if you move on.beacause thinking about this and waiting what she will do is not good for you or for her. try to leave things like they are now and find a way to just get over this. i wish you luck

[davidtorres]

its over dude. im on the same boat. find another girl ASAP!

[ShyGuy81]

Thank you to you both, I it is good to know that I thought correctly.

This was along time coming as things had not been right for a while, I still care about her a lot and I know she feels the same but there was just something missing.

Lee

[carl1222]

Why not get positive confirmation? Just say "We decided to take a break, but this is really a breakup, right?"

Carl.

[Zoe]

I agree with Carl. You need to talk to her. Find out what she really wants. Sometimes people say things and don't really mean them. It sounds like it is over to me, but she could also be trying to illicit a response from you to see what you will say. Perhaps she has the same thoughts and questions you have right now - wondering if it is really over...

[ShyGuy81]

I do need to talk to her to find out what she really wants, I have tried bringing it up and finding out where we stand but never seem to get an actual answer. I suppose I just need to be blunt and just ask. She is away on holiday at the moment so that is going to have to wait however.

There are lots of little things that she has said which imply that in her mind it is over, always little comments but they all seem to point to her mind being made up. A couple of weeks ago she even said that she was said that it is all over but she wished I had fought more to have kept her. Still not sure what she expected me to do though as the problems that we had are not quick fixes and she asked me to stop worrying so much and trying to fix everything as it was pushing her away so I did what she asked and I hadn't done enough.

It has been a very confusing few weeks, I want to know what she wants but she doesn't seem to want to tell me.

Lee

[Zoe]

hmm...it sounds like there might still be hope with this relationship. i would not give up so easily.

it seems like she is not sure what she wants and that could be why she is so cryptic. you are definitely getting mixed signals.

i do think somehow she is leaving it up to you as to whether or not this relationship is going to continue. by that i mean, aside from the problems you are both working on, you need to figure out what it is she is unhappy with and what she wants. maybe you have to be blunt even if that is not who you are as a person and perhaps maybe she just wants to see that you have it in you to be aggressive. you mentioned that she said she wished you would fight more to keep her. could it be she is insecure and wants to know that you care for her and have her back in any situation?

[ShyGuy81]

hmm...it sounds like there might still be hope with this relationship. i would not give up so easily.

I am still not sure as to why we broke up, other than she was unhappy. One reason was that she felt like she was relying on me too much, which wasn't helping her get her life sorted as she had me as a sort of safety net.

it seems like she is not sure what she wants and that could be why she is so cryptic. you are definitely getting mixed signals.

There are defiantly mixed signals, one day if I see her she will be quite affectionate and it seems that there is still a glimmer of hope. Then all of a sudden she is really cold with me.

could it be she is insecure and wants to know that you care for her and have her back in any situation?

Ordinarily that would make sense, however there have been many occasions when she has been in tears (caused by arguments with friends/family/work stress) and she has asked why I put up with her crying all the time and that I should just leave her as I don't deserve it. So by now she must realise I would stick with her through anything.

I don't doubt that she is insecure but she knows I care for her, at least I have made that abundantly clear to her. There is defiantly more to it than she is letting on, but she will not tell me, no matter how much I try and find out what it is.

What I did forget to mention was when she said that she thought I would have fought more to keep her, the following day when I spoke to her she apologised for putting so much pressure on me she was just having a hard time letting go.

Again there is a lot to suggest that it is over, many of her actions would lead me to believe that in her mind we are not getting back together. However there are little signs that she still cares.

I don't want to give up but at the same time it is wearing me down not being able to get a straight answer. Nearly all the signs point to it being over, but then there is that little bit of hope. I care for her a lot and still love her very much but there is/was something missing in our relationship and it has become more pronounced over the past 6 months.

Maybe I will just have to be blunt and ask her where we stand, I know it won't be easy but I need to know and hopefully it will get her to make a decision as to what she wants one way or another.

Thank you once again for the advice,

Lee

[boobaa]

I do need to talk to her to find out what she really wants, I have tried bringing it up and finding out where we stand but never seem to get an actual answer. I suppose I just need to be blunt and just ask. She is away on holiday at the moment so that is going to have to wait however.

There are lots of little things that she has said which imply that in her mind it is over, always little comments but they all seem to point to her mind being made up. A couple of weeks ago she even said that she was said that it is all over but she wished I had fought more to have kept her. Still not sure what she expected me to do though as the problems that we had are not quick fixes and she asked me to stop worrying so much and trying to fix everything as it was pushing her away so I did what she asked and I hadn't done enough.

It has been a very confusing few weeks, I want to know what she wants but she doesn't seem to want to tell me.

Lee

Tell her that she clearly implies it is over. Then end it. Then cut contact.

[Zoe]

I am still not sure as to why we broke up, other than she was unhappy. One reason was that she felt like she was relying on me too much, which wasn't helping her get her life sorted as she had me as a sort of safety net.

Okay...this is maybe a contributing factor to why she wanted the 6 week break - just to prove to herself that she does not need to depend on you and to see if this is what she really wants... is this her first serious relationship?

Ordinarily that would make sense, however there have been many occasions when she has been in tears (caused by arguments with friends/family/work stress) and she has asked why I put up with her crying all the time and that I should just leave her as I don't deserve it. So by now she must realise I would stick with her through anything.

I don't doubt that she is insecure but she knows I care for her, at least I have made that abundantly clear to her.

This seems important. She feels she is not worthy of you. I know you said she knows you care for her bc you made it very clear, but have you? I only say this bc I was in a relationship where my bf spoiled me like crazy. He was not a very emotional or verbal guy and seldom told me he loved me. I never knew if he loved me and when I would bring it up in a fight, he would say "Isn't it obvious?" bc he would always buy me things, etc. To me it was not obvious at all! I need to be told and frequently reminded. Gifts and money do not really mean a whole lot to me. I appreciate them but I need to hear it. I have a friend on the other hand that was raised by her parents to believe expensive gifts are a sign of love, etc... so to her being spoiled with gifts equals love and she does not need to be told that so and so cares about her, etc... I hope that makes sense. Sorry for the long story, but I thought it might help. She might be the kind of girl that needs to be told why she is special to you and why you like her, etc... This also plays into her insecurities.

What I did forget to mention was when she said that she thought I would have fought more to keep her, the following day when I spoke to her she apologised for putting so much pressure on me she was just having a hard time letting go.

She does sound confused, but it also seems as though she is not ready to let go and perhaps maybe you made it too easy for her to do that. She said she wanted you to fight for the relationship more. It seems like there might be a lack of communication going on.

Well, I don't know if I am correct in anything I am saying, but I am just going by what you have written and my own experience. I think you definitely need to sit down and point blank ask her what is going on. It really isn't fair to you and it seems as though she is avoiding the whole situation.

It seems like you really do care for her and want to be with her still. I would make sure she knows this (hey- maybe show her this forum), but also let her know you will respect her decision whatever it may be.

[ShyGuy81]

Okay...this is maybe a contributing factor to why she wanted the 6 week break - just to prove to herself that she does not need to depend on you and to see if this is what she really wants... is this her first serious relationship?

This isn't her first serious relationship but I know she has been treated badly in the past. I know that she thinks she has been in this relationship for the wrong reasons.

She feels she is not worthy of you. I know you said she knows you care for her bc you made it very clear, but have you? I only say this bc I was in a relationship where my bf spoiled me like crazy. He was not a very emotional or verbal guy and seldom told me he loved me.

I know she knows I love and care for her, I am not a particularly verbal or expressive person but I do make the effort to express myself to her.

I hope that makes sense. Sorry for the long story, but I thought it might help. She might be the kind of girl that needs to be told why she is special to you and why you like her, etc... This also plays into her insecurities.

She does ask why I like her and why she is special and I always give her the reasons, though she usually does this when she is upset when we have the whole "why are you with me and why do you put up with me" conversation.

She does sound confused, but it also seems as though she is not ready to let go and perhaps maybe you made it too easy for her to do that. She said she wanted you to fight for the relationship more. It seems like there might be a lack of communication going on.

There is defiantly a lack of communication, I have tried to be as honest with her as possible about what I want, how I feel. I have explained to her about how I am and that it doesn't mean that I don't love her if I don't show it in the same way as she does.

At the moment all my cards are on the table, I just wish that I knew exactly what was happening. Part of me thinks she is wanting to have some independence as there has been a lot that has gone on in her life over the past three years and I have been with her for two of them.

I think a lot of it boils down to her insecurity of her relying on other people. It was about a two weeks after she had a several big arguments (not with me) about it that the break started. It has always been in my mind that it was that which contributed to a very big part of it. Trouble is, ironically, by being there for her it actually the opposite of what she wants.

I am sure I will see her next week, still have some more stuff to drop over and she will be back from her holiday. I think it will be time for me to be blunt and find out what is going on.

Lee

[Zoe]

Okay...I am wrong about a few things. You definitely need to talk to her. It sounds like there is more going on then she is sharing.

I would let her know that you are really confused about the whole situation because you feel you are getting mixed signals and at some point be blunt and just ask... YOu need to hear her say exactly what she wants whether to be with you, friends, take some time off, etc... Make sure you get an answer.

I wish you the best!

I think a lot of it boils down to her insecurity of her relying on other people. It was about a two weeks after she had a several big arguments (not with me) about it that the break started. It has always been in my mind that it was that which contributed to a very big part of it. Trouble is, ironically, by being there for her it actually the opposite of what she wants.

This is just a thought, but did you let her know how you rely on her for things too? Maybe she does not see it that way. By letting her know, I mean physical examples such as "If it wasn't for you...I would be...", "You helped me with...and that meant so much bc..." I think she does want you to be there for her, but she also needs to know she can hack it alone.

YOu also mentioned arguments she had with someone else. Did your name come up in the arguments bc that could be a huge factor into what is going on.

[ShyGuy81]

This is just a thought, but did you let her know how you rely on her for things too? Maybe she does not see it that way. By letting her know, I mean physical examples such as "If it wasn't for you...I would be...", "You helped me with...and that meant so much bc..." I think she does want you to be there for her, but she also needs to know she can hack it alone.

YOu also mentioned arguments she had with someone else. Did your name come up in the arguments bc that could be a huge factor into what is going on.

I have let her know that I have relied on her for things as well, I have told her all the things she has done for me that have really helped and how much I appreciate all of them.

As for the arguments, there is a very good chance that my name came up and the argument was with her best friend. Not really sure what is going on there but there seems to have been a lot of tention between them.

This is what has lead me to believe that these arguemnts have contribuited to the whole thing. Not the sole cause but definatly some part of it.

Lee

[Zoe]

How well do you know her best friend? A bf can be hard to compete with.

You need to be bold and ask her. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what she is thinking. Only she knows.

GL!