Need some honest advice

[SA77]

I am married and 3 years ago I had s@# with a married woman and after attempting to end it we have gone on and off with the affair for three years. We live about a 3-4 hour plane ride away and that has prevented any physical contact but we would talk and email on and off for that entire time. Because we both felt guilt and did not want to hurt our spouses we keeping stopping it ansd it lasts for 3 months and then we talk again for 3 months, so on and so forth. About two years ago we both said we love each other but really did not see a future because we are married and both families have kids. My wife and her usband both know and recenlty my wife asked for a divorce for this and the fact that I had no emotion for her though I wanted to stay for the kids. I would have stayed in teh marriage even though I love someone else because of my kids. So now I will be single but I told her when I am we cannot talk anymore because I do not want to come in between her marriage in case there is a chance for reconcilliation. She has some issues in her current marriage with abuse and she sleeps on her sofa. She says that when she gets financially stable she will be leavign but I dont even want to know when that will be because I dont want to even appear I am influencing that. I also told her not to leave for any reason because of me. So my question is can we both have a good relationship after we are both single again even though our original love came from an affair? What shoudl i be concerned about and she asked me to wait for her but she will understand if I can't. I want to but I also will not be talking to her so I will have no idea if I should continue to wait. Need some advice....please.

[misombra]

have you met in person?

[SA77]

A long time ago. We mostly talk or IM but that has been maybe 3-4 times per month, just because we had been going back and forth(starting and stopping).

[misombra]

i think you and your girlfriend need to leave each other alone and work on your respective relationships. you can't help her with hers, she can't help you with yours. talking to each other is making your situations worse.

[SA77]

that is what is going to happen once my divorce is finalized. So if I dont talk to her anymore but she comes back into my life after she is divorced should I avoid a relationship with her?

[misombra]

if you are still married then yes.

[SA77]

I meant if we both were not. Can I expect to have a good relationship with someone I had an affair with? I am not talkign about marrying her for sure but some sort of relationship that does not have to be a secret anymore because we will both be single.

[vashti]

I don't think much good can come from something bad. How will either of you ever be able to trust the other? Additionally, I think once you both see how much pain you have caused your children by tearing up their families, you will feel guilty and probably resentful of each other.

I am not optimistic.

[Doc Durian]

I am married and 3 years ago I had s@# with a married woman and after attempting to end it we have gone on and off with the affair for three years. We live about a 3-4 hour plane ride away and that has prevented any physical contact but we would talk and email on and off for that entire time. Because we both felt guilt and did not want to hurt our spouses we keeping stopping it ansd it lasts for 3 months and then we talk again for 3 months, so on and so forth. About two years ago we both said we love each other but really did not see a future because we are married and both families have kids. My wife and her usband both know and recenlty my wife asked for a divorce for this and the fact that I had no emotion for her though I wanted to stay for the kids. I would have stayed in teh marriage even though I love someone else because of my kids. So now I will be single but I told her when I am we cannot talk anymore because I do not want to come in between her marriage in case there is a chance for reconcilliation. She has some issues in her current marriage with abuse and she sleeps on her sofa. She says that when she gets financially stable she will be leavign but I dont even want to know when that will be because I dont want to even appear I am influencing that. I also told her not to leave for any reason because of me. So my question is can we both have a good relationship after we are both single again even though our original love came from an affair? What shoudl i be concerned about and she asked me to wait for her but she will understand if I can't. I want to but I also will not be talking to her so I will have no idea if I should continue to wait. Need some advice....please.

At least you're attempting to do the right thing and place distance between you, even though you're virtually single now.

Whatever happens, at least you had your heart in the right place and you're obviously regretful of your past together... in a sense of what it's caused..

Kudos

[LoveHurts09]

have you met in person?

he said he had sex with her

what's wrong with having a relationship with her after they are both available?
they are(/were) both in unhappy marriages, why wouldn't it work? just because they cheated doesn't mean they will cheat again, he's not even saying he wants a full "ur the one" relationship.... i say ur doing it right, let her make her own choice for her marriage and if she comes for u then see where it goes, why not?

[IndiReloaded]

I don't think much good can come from something bad. How will either of you ever be able to trust the other? Additionally, I think once you both see how much pain you have caused your children by tearing up their families, you will feel guilty and probably resentful of each other.

I am not optimistic.

I would say it depends on how the kids deal with the situation.

If you both get yourselves sorted out & the kids can deal with a happy home again, wherever they are, then sure it could work out. People do this all the time.

You had an affair, which was wrong & probably led to the problems in both marriages. However, at least you stopped and tried to do the right thing.

Can you both can honestly say you tried to repair your marriages, you did everything you could and it just wasn't possible? If you *would have divorced anyway*, then if you can find happiness together in the future, this could be a good thing for everyone including your children & your ex spouses. Life isn't meant to be lived in misery. This isn't good for anyone, including your children.

Question for you both to think of. Answer honestly:

If either of you died, tomorrow, would you both go ahead with your divorce?

[Ferrari99]

I would stay away from her since its not a healthy relationship now. What makes you think it will work out between you two? What makes you think she wont get bored of you one day?

[NoMoreLove]

Since you are getting divorced, why not give it a shot? Do you have anything else to lose asides maybe your job or home??

I don't see any reasons stopping you from giving a try with someone you liked. If things does not turn the way you hoped for then let it be. You weren't that happy in your marriage anyways in my opinion because you had an affair. So maybe some "single" time could give you time to reflect on yourself; what am I really looking for in life?, what kinds of stuff I couldn't do and regret because of marriage?,etc etc.

Maybe it can give you an idea on how to approach your situation?

[Gigabitch]

So, you were willing to continue on with an affair for years while you were married, but now you're available you want to "respect" her marriage (the abusive relationship that is so bad she sleeps on the couch)?

You're a chode.