Is my friend trying to sabotage my new relationship or is she onto something?

[TransitionChick]

Hi all.

New to the forum here, so I really do hope you all can help me out with my situation.

After over half a decade of being out of the dating game, a month ago I decided to dip my toes back in, although it wasn't my intent to do so, it had just happened. I wanted to be sure that I was in the best place or pre- in the best place in my life, as I felt that I would have more to offer and have more confidence. I've also been preserving myself since I wanted something more than casual dating and wanted something more meaningful- I'm not into dating more than one person at a time.

So I had gone out with a friend to a local pub, as she wanted to meet up with a male friend for a drink. As I'm not a big drinker, I was a bit nervous to place myself in a such a socially charged environment but decided to give it a go- if anything I could enjoy a nice pint and a laugh. Thankfully, the guy was not alone and I would have someone to chat with. I'll call him B. After a long evening of chatting and getting to know one another, B and I hooked up and was it ever electric. Feelings and passions within that were long ago dormant, were re-ignited. Every kiss coursed through my veins and our evening ended in the morning hours.

Since then, for the past month we've been on numerous dates on the weekends. The chemistry is just too much and a week ago, after the 6th date we let ourselves go and gave ourselves to each other. It was just the most amazing experience I've had in a long time. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't had the big O since 2006 and he not being intimate with anyone since 2009, but I can't deny the connection.

As lovely as things are in their progression, there are a few obstacles..

1. My friend. She is just too much. Some may say she's a bit slutty, conceited, materialistic, shallow; and others would say an attention-seeker. She definitely does put this out there to the point of embarrassing but makes no apologies. She's a self-proclaimed diva.There are some good points to her, she is caring and helpful but this doesn't stop her other traits from doing my head in. It's actually the negative aspects of her personality which led to us to having a fall out before I left to live/work/study abroad 9 years ago.

We're definitely a ying yang relationship. The goodness in her keeps her in my life, though honestly it also has to do with the fact that most of my friends are living in other countries or that the ones that live here in the states are married with kids. Being in my late 30's it's not so easy to have an unattached friend on call for a chat or an evening out.

However, I feel she is now trying to sabotage my budding relationship with this guy- this was also brought to my attention the other night by her male friend/ B's best pal. I was also aware of this but he had divulged a bit of information that had me mortified and fuming. She had told him that she lends me clothes for my dates, which is partially true. As my personal items, including my clothes are in the process of being transported from abroad to here, I have borrowed a few items for my 1st two dates. I've now since expanded on my wardrobe and I initially borrowed from her because of the pressure placed upon me by her that I must look this way or that way on dates. Her good deed is now a shame and I'm just wondering why she is trying to make me look like a scrub.

She also goes on and on about me getting too couple-like with this new guy. She calls him a rebound, a loser that just likes to stay local and so on. She offers me her **** buddies and even last night teased B's friend that we would do a threesome. I was just gobsmacked. Yes, she was piss drunk but are these truly her feelings surfacing for all to see. The guy had even said he thinks I'm pretty but I'm with his friend, to which I replied that I'm only interested in his friend and she's just being a mess in suggesting anything else.

Worse is that she tricked me and B to the pub. I was in the middle of writing and doing paperwork and he, just leaving a sports league in which he participates. She called me drunk to come over as she was alone and when I arrived there, glasses on in lounge clothes to collect her, B's friend was there, then a short time after B arrives to collect him and he was ever pissed off, as he had a long workday ahead the following day. We mostly like to be alone when we're together and he honestly can't stand her. He even whispered to me last night that "she's awful". Totally understandable as she dry-humped him from behind, called both of us weirdos (we are both unique in relation to our neighborhood), and playfully but heavily hit his back and demanded that he buy her shots.

2. As our relationship is still new and we haven't yet discussed terms or expectations of one another, things are very delicate. I don't want him to feel obligated to spend time with me if he runs into me and this is what I was trying to avoid last night and told her so before she went out to the pub. I want him to miss me and not feel suffocated. I understand he hasn't dated for quite some time and the last thing I ever want to do is mess with his free time. He's a very hard worker and he has his routine after work- I don't want to intrude on that.


We've also just had sex and I don't want to come off as too clingy. I treasure our weekends and don't want to invade his space. I do miss him loads during the week and was happy to see him yesterday on a Monday, but not like this. He was so unhappy and I feel that he may think I had something to do with this, especially since I'm so complimentary of him and patient with him. He may think I am sweating him, even though I made it very clear, as did the state of my dress and being absent of make-up.

We are still getting to know one another and do have many differences but it's our personalities that are very complimentary but sometimes I think he wonders what I am doing with him. He's a hometown guy who loves his locals, drinks in the pub more often than not, a blue collar guy that works underground, loves punk music, sports, is very much a typical Joe and is painfully shy. Myself, I'm a college educated (masters level), white collar, who loves culture, underground hip hop, some rock music, reading, culinary arts, was an activist, radio producer, big on charity, owned a business abroad, now a screenwriter, world traveler that is still in the middle of leaving vegetarianism. We even are supporters of opposing sports teams.

We are very different but I feel it's the little things that brings us together, like appreciation for non-mainstream music, ice skating, humor and so on. I also have no problem with opening myself to his world. I even joined him in a pub on a weekend to watch his team that I dont care for, I'm introducing myself to his genre of music and whatever else he loves. He, has taken me to dinner on my suggestion to a neighborhood that he doesn't care for and even though he probably didn't have the best time, I appreciate the effort. I would say I am probably more open-minded than him but I have hopes he won't look at our differences as negatives. We make such a cute and lovely couple.


So yesterday was a truly awful night and I feel sabotaged. I don't know what's going through his head, but hope he's well and not too tired pulling a 10 hour shift under the city. This is all so very upsetting as I really do fancy him and it's even thrown me off my writing flow. I'm trying to stay positive, working and hoping to fix this situation. I have reached out to some single, low key girlfriends I haven't seen since before I moved abroad and thinking about pulling away from this friend of mine gradually or limit the activities that we do together. She's cool for an indoor meal or clothes shopping- it's just being out with her that is a disaster.

I've also planned a low key date with B that I've yet to bring up with him because I doubting whether he would want to see me after this. The plan is a picnic in our borough at a waterfront park, a picnic basket with his favorite things prepared by myself and an Ipod with his favorite tunes, so I can gain an appreciation for his music- he already knows and appreciates underground hip hop. I was even thinking of reading him one of my scenes, something of which I haven't done with anyone else.

So what do you all think of this?
For those that got this far in reading, you are all stars in my book. Hope you are having a lovely week.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your friend is a dumb bitch.

[Maple1714]

I think that you are worrying too much about what happened yesterday. You are blaming yourself for nothing really. I think you need to cut your crazy friend off. She could potentially turn "B" off from you or anyone you date. We are the company we keep right? Our friends are a reflection of something in ourselves. I think you might have been drawn to your friends outgoing energy, but she needs to get a grip. If it would make you feel better, give "B" a call and express to him how you feel about yesterday. Just make it simple and let him know that you wanted to clear the air and tell him you are going to distance yourself from this girlfriend of yours. She is probably jealous of you, and doesn't sound like she handles her alcohol very well. Good luck and don't stress too much...just be honest with "B"...but keep it simple!

[basilandthyme]

I think the guy you're seeing knows that this is all on your friend and that you wouldn't behave badly. But my main concern is that he will be wary of you because of the company you keep.

Frankly, I think you'd be far better off without her in your life. Find new friends.

[TransitionChick]

I'd have to agree with you Maple1714. I do tend to over analyze such things. I just feel so embarrassed by this because by having a relationship with her, it could lead others to assume that there are commonalities between her and I, of which there are barely any. I've known her since we were 19 years old and her being through, so much (the death of her parents and loss of career), I was hoping to be a positive influence in her life. We both have been through so much in our lives and I want to be supportive and always hoped steer her on a more spiritual and compassionate path.

I recognize that we can't change people and after much time in her company may have to accept that she will never change her ways. I was willing to put more energy in her but last night is just too much to ignore. I'm not dumping her for a dude, but I suppose I'm going to subtly and gradually pull away for my own sake and reputation. It's a shame.

Regarding B, I did send him a simple text, as I wouldn't want to overburden him given the day he probably had. Thinking it would be better that he read it at his own leisure and without feeling the pressure of having to instantly reply, I had sent him this:

"Hope you are doing well at work and aren't too exhausted. I hope there isn't a misperception about my involvement of which there weren't any. My intention was to collect her drunk ass.
You work so very hard, have your routine and activities. The last thing I would want to do is invade your personal space or time.
You are right about her and she doesn't represent who I am. I'm not very happy with her actions and am looking very forward to reconnecting with my other girls here. I do hope that this doesn't put you off but had to clear the air.
So I was thinking of something very low key, local and something we'd both enjoy for our next get together. I'll get more into it when you are free to talk."

He has yet to reply but hoping this will reassure him. What do you think?

Thank you so much for taking the time to help. You rock!

[TransitionChick]

Basilandthyme, you are spot on about that. He knew her before meeting me. She's been quite a c*ck tease with his friend for the past three years and he has made it known to me before that he finds her conceited with her obsession with selfies (self phone pics). He has witnessed first hand how she carries on and has said that he's a bit surprised that I associate myself with her, as I'm totally different. The night we had first met, I was out in the pub garden and he had gone into the bar to get another drink. It was near closing, kind of empty and I could hear him tell the bartender of how nice I am and he really likes me.
He does know that herself and I are like night and day, but I think he's worried that I'd get caught up in her bad influence. Sending him the previously mentioned text may remedy this but only if I follow through, of which I have every intention. I know she wants a party pal but this isn't my style. She loves clubs in the city, muscly, rich dudes that will shower her with attention and pretty things. Myself, I'm very chilled out and value sincerity and affection, simplicity and good times. He's still getting to know me but I hope he has the ability to see this.
I've been out of the states for quite some time and am just being to get back out there social wise but have good friends that I lost touch with that I'm hoping to fully reconnect with. He also has some very nice female friends that have been just lovely with me and I'm hoping that some nice double dates with them are in our future.
thank you so much for replying. You're just lovely.

[Valixy]

Your friend is really annoying and all the advice on how to deal with her given here is great. I'd like to add that you have probably made your point clear to your boyfriend and you should try not to criticise her to him anymore. Concentrate on yourself (first) and your new relationship (second) and don't stress yourself too much about all this. You can't feel too negative about the situations she creates or it could ruin your first best moments with this guy. Also guys don't feel comfortable for too long with a girl that is constantly bitching about another one or any other person or issue. I am not saying that you're doing that when you speak to him or when you're with him, just that you should try to make sure it won't happen. The first moments of a relationship are very special and should be mainly about you and him.

[VincenzoG91]

Sounds like your friend has a drinking problem.

[TransitionChick]

Thank you Valixy. I totally agree with you. I don't plan up bringing her name up anymore as this would only keep the memories of the other day relevant and as well, we have so much more to talk about. I've made jokes in the past re: her tatas, as she loves to show them off and after an encounter with us or when his friend brings her up but will no longer do so as it is tacky.
I would like him to forget that I know her honestly, as she is also making a bad name for herself around the neighborhood and throughout his social circle. She had once hit on his married friend in my absence, before I knew B. This came up at a the couple's BBQ by the wife, who is also a friend of B's. She also commented on how strange it is that I was friends with this girl, as I'm "so unlike her and nice". I was embarrassed and a bit shocked and when my "friend" found out that I was at the BBQ, she quickly became defensive and claimed he had hit on her, to which B replied she was bullsh*ting. Revisiting some interactions with B's friends, I think that they don't know what to make of me because of her. So yeah, I gotta drop her like it's hot for if anything, my own rep.

Thank you again. Nice one on the feedback.

[TransitionChick]

VincenzoG91, I'd have to agree with you on that one. She drinks about 5 times a week but unfortunately her attitude is constant, whether or not she's under the influence. She just has this "love me or leave me alone" way of being. She disregards any feedback and treats nice men kind of awful and awful men with kindness.

UPDATE: She had called earlier today and when I asked her if she remembered last night, she confirmed that she did. Perhaps she has a mental filter and see things the way she chooses, but unfortunately she showed no shame or remorse. I was not all surprised but unhappy that she thinks it was no big deal and was going on about how grumpy she thinks he is. If he was grumpy it was because he was unhappy that he couldn't stay out and have fun, which he had mentioned last night.

Anyways, she thinks it's no biggie and is unaware of what the friend told me re: the clothes. I'd bring it up but what's the point? She thinks her behavior is appropriate. I think it's shameful.

Regarding himself, still no reply but he worked a late shift, probably decompressing at this point at home and doing whatever and sleepy for another long day ahead. Not stressing anyways as this is how he rolls... unless a few days go by, you'll be getting another worry post from me. - Heh, Just kidding (I hope).

[TransitionChick]

OH SNAP! I think she is aware of my discontentment with her. She had just posted one of those quote images on her FB wall and it read, "EXPECT ANYTHING FROM ANYONE; THE DEVIL WAS ONCE AN ANGEL".

I don't know if B had mentioned my text to his friend, who in turn mentioned it to her but she rarely posts things like this on her wall. I'm a bit worried now. Not only does she know more about me, than he does but I know she wouldn't turn the other cheek. She also lives two floors up from me and honestly this is going to be very awkward. I was planning on moving eventually, so it looks like it would be sooner rather than later. I really hope B didn't flip on me. I was going to be subtle in this pulling away from her, but not like this. I don't want to hurt her feelings, as I know she's an unhappy person. Oh boy...

[TablesandChairs]

You're over-thinking this; you don't need to be walking on egg shells at this point in your relationship. So what if you saw him on a Monday? So what if you borrowed a few items of clothing? So what if your friend is a silly drunk? This is life. She's your friend, not your twin; you're different and if he can't see that, he's blind. Also, if he's so easily scared off by the smallest things...(such as what you've mentioned), then he's a flake.

[Maple1714]

I agree, you are over thinking ALL of this. Distance yourself from your friend...she can post all the ecard images she wants on FB....by the way I think some are hilarious! Did "B" ever respond to your text? I do think it was a little to lengthy. You should have just said "Hey, sorry about the other night. I was annoyed as well. Hope to see you soon!"

[TransitionChick]

Thanks TableandChairs.

To be honest, I'm obsessed with being proper. I was raised in a highly critical family- well more critical towards me anyways. I was blamed for the mistakes of my parents since I was, well since before I was born. Throughout my whole life I was disciplined like mad to not act out, have impeccable manners and so on, while my brother ran amok and was given everything. I internalize to this day everything I say and do because I want to have all the good things in life and feel that I have to be perfect because something is wrong with me.

I could go on and on about childhood abandonment issues, being a grown-up and looking after oneself as a preteen, having no relationship with my "mother" while my brothers are spoiled rotten to this day, jealousy towards me by women that should care, and so on. It shouldn't hold relevance to this day but it does. I don't know how to live without "walking on eggshells". I over apologize, over-analyze, over-compensate and in despite of all the work I've tried to do to fix this; it's too deeply rooted. I normally deal with this by jumping on a plane and disappearing, or doing charity work, or ignoring the phone and writing. I'm so very tempted to do this now, I just don't want to deal with this because it's too heavy.


Regarding the clothes.. B's friend wasn't very tactful about it. He said out of nowhere, "Are those your pants? Cause J says you are using all of her clothes!" It was a snarky, unnecessary thing to bring up. He then went on trying to pull more info out of me like I'm some enigma. Ok, I know everyone in the neighborhood in our age range knows everyone else and I've been gone for nearly a decade and before that I didn't hang with people in this neighborhood, but I'm not a serial killer.

He was also investigating on why I don't have B over to my place. Well for starters....
1. I'm not the only one with keys to the crib. My brother and dad have them, as my dad owns the apartment and they pop over whenever they like, unannounced.

2. The place is a hole in my opinion. Being that my dad owns the place and can sell at any moment, why should I invest in renovations? I've already done over the bathroom and that cost a fair penny and labor but why do more when it's not my own? The bathroom is actually the nicest room but you can't live in there. I'm staying here till I find a nice place in my price range but honestly I got too spoiled with the nice houses and low prices that I lived in in Ireland. Plus the rent is too damn high!!

3. I didn't practice abstinence for 7 years to be a booty call- this is probably one of the most important of the three. I want to go on dates with him, not go from the local pub and back home to bang.

Then his friend starts trying to be cheeky because of what J suggested about the threesome. He's so gross. I know that B is spending less time drunk with him at the pub since he has met me, but jealousy? Really? The dude is 37!! Grow the feck up! I'm surrounded by grown babies!

Though honestly, J is being a proper C U Next Tuesday. She's not just silly, she's a mean and inappropriate drunk. She thinks humping B's back was funny and trying to do a sexy dance for him is no biggie. She's 36 years old. When are people going to act proper?!

They are all doing my head in! I'm thinking of disappearing for a few days. Run off to the beach alone, something.

Yeah, so I do over-think.

[Maple1714]

Everyone over-thinks about certain things, it's pretty much the human condition. I read this short book yesterday called "The Four Agreements"...go get it, go to the beach and read it a couple times...literally takes about an hour to read the entire thing. I'm no therapist, but it seems that the root of all your issues/stress/unhappiness lies in what you described about your childhood in the first paragraph above. I just told someone else in a post to read it too...haha...I hope I'm not turning into a spiritual seeking hippie ;0