My Sister, the Goofball

[Gribble]

Spoonerisms and mix-ups run in my family. It's an unfortunate flaw my sister and I inherited from our father. It's not uncommon to hear one of us say something absolutely moronic like, "I'm not getting enough brain to my oxygen!" Which, as you well know, could lead to dain bramage.

My sister really took the cake today, though. Let me preface this mildly amusing story: she's sixteen. She's in her first year of college. She's not stupid. Also, I'm borderline homicidal when it comes to defending her. And by borderline what I really mean is I crossed that goddamn border many, many lines of longitude back. Just friendly advice.

Anyway, she, like me, discovered upon reaching college that most of what she'd been taught in elementary school and high school was a crock of shit. As recently as the 10th grade they were telling her that bullshit about Christopher Columbus. Can you believe that's even in the curriculum? How stupid are these teachers?? All that nonsense about folks thinking the world was flat and CC discovering America. Crap that was written in an embellished and blatantly fictitious story, and these damn high school teachers still treat it as fact.

This is probably one of those amusing stories that doesn't translate well to text, but she was talking to her friend who's still in high school and she was getting all worked up and excited when she blurted out, "Did you know Christopher Columbus wasn't the first man to discover the Earth!?!"

Oh my god. I about spewed milk out of my nostrils, and I wasn't even drinking any. So naturally I had to mock the poor kid. "So what'd he do, glance down in shock, point his fingers and shout, 'Look! Look at that! It's the Earth!!!!'". Yeah. Definitely funnier said than written. You'd have to see my impersonation of an incredibly stupid Christopher Columbus jumping up and down with a mildly retarded grin across his blank-eyed face, staring excitedly at the ground beneath him, his "discovery". Anyway, whenever my sister walks by I can't help but snicker. She's going to kill me probably.

[vashti]

She sounds adorable! She's lucky to have such a devoted older brother. Every girl should be so lucky.

[Gribble]

Nah, there'd be a trail of dead siblings AND broken hearts. I'm too ruthless to be taken out by anyone but my heartless, amoral match.