New to the forum - need advice please

[Michael_Malone]

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with a girl for the past 9 months (i'm 36 and shes 31). The first 4 months were amazing but after a while she started developing severe mood swings. She has also been dealing with an unusual amount of problems in her life and her way of managing stress is to not manage it at all; it completely consumes her to the point where she withdraws emotionally. Its been getting worse and now whenever we hang out 9 times out of 10 she is in a horrible mood, gets very passive aggressive with me and lately there has been no intimacy at all, which saddens me even more since we have such amazing physical chemistry. One would think that a caring boyfriend would be a good thing for her during stressful times, but she doesnt see it that way. She has problems opening up to me and doesnt want to involve me in her problems because we havent been going out that long and she is not ready for that. Furthermore she is used to handling things on her own and prefers to keep it that way

So anyway, after being patient and understanding I finally confronted her about it. In a nutshell, her problems (job, family, finances) are overwhelming her to the point where she hates herself and whats shes become, and feels she can't handle a serious relationship now because of the burden she will put on me as well as the additional stress that it might give her. We are both in love with each other, but lately the relationship is 1-sided and I explained this to her and told her something has to change otherwise this will not work out. We both resisted the urge to break up and instead decided on a separation...so that she can take some time to figure things out and hopefully get to a point where she may be ready to offer me more.

So we had this talk last night. she told me that maybe she should leave but i wanted her to spend the night, which in retrospect was a poor choice. I was up all night and my stomach was in knots while she was sleeping. This morning we held each other, talked a bit more and then she left. we decided to just go with the flow for now and havent defined the boundaries of this separation. she said she still wants me in her life and when i asked her if she wants a complete break she said no. So at this point I just don't know what to do. I felt horrible all day...like i was punched in the stomach and even broke down a few times. I love this girl with all my heart and am concerned that a break may not work and that it will just make me even more crazy...like i will get sucked back in but as soon as i get too close she will withdraw again

SO my question is what should I do? Part of me wants to fight for her but part of me feels it might be best to end it for good. I have so many emotions now..i just wanna call her up and tell her how much i love her or write her a letter or do something. After she left i had to instantly strip my bed and wash all my sheets to get rid of her scent but now all i want is her laying in bed next to me. Sorry if I sound like a wuss but I havent had these feelings for a woman in a long time and really wanted this relationship to work.

Would very much appreciate some feedback from the forum

Thanks

Mike

[gigigi4]

i don't think you're being a wuss at all! i understand your intuition about going on the break and i agree with you that usually breaks don't work- it's stressful for both ppl and, from what i've seen happen with ppl who have gone this route, usually it either leads to a full-on breakup or an unhealthy cycle of going back and forth breaking up and getting back together like every couple of weeks. i feel like the issues you guys are having will not magically go away just if you take a break. there will still be the communication problems and the problems of her mood, etc. i was wondering if you have considered therapy as a couple or for her individually? i wasn't sure how severe her moods swings are, but it sounds as if maybe she has some emotional issues of dealing with stress and facing problems.

[Michael_Malone]

Thanks for the feedback- I really do appreciate! I have suggested therapy but she is SOOOO stubborn and wont even consider it. also we have only been together for 8 months so some could argue that if we are having these problems now then there is something fundamentally wrong

[gigigi4]

hmm that's tough...it sounds like she is not willing to face her issues...from what you've said, it sounds like it is not just an issue in the relationship, but also her personal issues, and that's not something that you can fix for her...

[gigigi4]

hmm that's tough...it sounds like she is not willing to face her issues...from what you've said, it sounds like it is not just an issue in the relationship, but also her personal issues, and that's not something that you can fix for her...it will just end up making yourself miserable

[Draconis2_5]

I realize this is several months after your first post. Are you two still "together?" I guess what I'm asking is, have you broken the relationship in the past seven months?