I got attached, then got discarded, and now I feel hurt. How do I feel OK about it?

[Ugly_Swan]

Hi everyone,

Please give me advice on the following if you know how to regulate emotions, let go of regret or self-blame, deal with abandonment, etc. (Because I don't and its causing me pain, advice much appreciated as I wanna stop annoying my friends with this):

I met this cool guy online two weeks ago--we met up twice since then. We were texting a lot almost every day and had great talk chemistry, etc. even sexted -.- (because I felt like it and it was helping me get distracted from a recent ex/breakup). During the second meetup there was sexual touching lol for the same reasons, but I did not want to date him at that point (not enough genetic attraction, plus it wouldn't work in long-term and I don't wanna date casually). This was last Tuesday.

But things were still fine at that point -- we were gonna meet soonish again and were still texting a lot. I loved having him to brighten my day and share stuff with. Wanted to turn it into a close friendship as I felt close to him already, somewhat. Though the day before he somewhat complained I don't appreciate how much attention he gives me =/

Then Friday he says he can no longer hang on Saturday even though he is the one that wanted to see me then--so I was flaked on. I got bitchy at him for that on Saturday but the bitchiness didn't bother him and he wanted to talk on phone (to which I said no because I was butthurt at the time lol). But he assured me he will be my friend as long as I let him. Then I hear nothing from him for two days..

So I'm feeling low on Monday, decide to call him (figure he was just busy the last two days). He says he's busy and will text me in a bit. Eventually I get a text saying that he thinks we shouldn't talk anymore (without a reason but with note that I'm not into a certain topic which is very important to him, so it wouldn't work in long run -- which is bullshit, I never dissed the topic just not obsessed plus it doesn't matter for friendship).

So I eventually get ahold of him on phone-- very hurt and very confused. Abandoned for no reason. Turns out he started talking to his ex on Friday so he was torn or something between getting back with her or talking to me. And he no longer wants to fill my void and talk to me all the time like he initially wanted to. I found it all weird because I wasn't even looking to date him...

K so all that is confusing bullshit. The last thing that happened is me sending a goodbye text because I no longer feel wanted/comfortable talking to him. But I regret not mentioning that I'll miss talking to him etc. because I'm not sure he ever knew that I really appreciate him as a person and that he mattered to me in the short time I knew him. Too late to add anything as I've deleted his number completely and he hasn't and will never reply.

So... I am now hurt that I was discarded for no fault of my own (he even said it has nothing to do with me), that all of a sudden I was shut out and unwanted, and that I lost someone I'll miss, and I regret not making it clear that I liked it all because maybe it would've changed things. Feeling a lot of anxiety and resistance to the situation.

These feelings of abandonment, anxiety, and regret happen to me a lot and I'm sick of it. I even only knew this guy less than two weeks and yet I still got attached and still feel all these feelings when it ends =(

Please help! How do I let go of regret and stop blaming myself for messing up (even tho it was not my fault) and stop being anxious over abandonment and losing someone important? I'm tired of my fear of abandonment getting evidence for itself, and of living with fear.

I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you if you read it all.

tl:dr - talked incessantly and openly with a guy for almost two weeks, got attached (not necessarily romantically), he decided he no longer wants to talk because of stuff that came up, and now I feel hurt and anxious and don't know how to deal/let go effectively.

[smackie9]

First mistake you used him as a crutch to escape the pain from your previous breakup. That's unhealthy to seek out to rebound off others emotionally when all they want is a relationship.

People have an expectation when trying to meet others on a dating site. Clearly you couldn't give him what he wanted, but his ex proposed they try again....if you were in his shoes which would you choose? He had feelings for you but didn't want to waste his time on someone that didn't want a relationship. He needed to walk away.....and that's no bullshit. You only chatted for 2 weeks....he owes you nothing.

A breakup can leave us feeling unwanted, no self worth, etc yes you are emotionally raw, but a dating site is not your answer.


You are going about it all wrong. To get through the adjustment period after a breakup is to keep busy with friends, go out dancing, go to the gym, go on a trip, take a cooking class, etc. Being productive with your time will help you become more positive.
Focus on you and getting back to finding your individuality......a man can't give you a life only you can do this for yourself.

[bluesummer]

Let's be fair, you also kind of treated this guy like a second thought. You didn't want him for anything more than to fill in a hole in your life, and you've openly acknowledged that in your post. You even mentioned that he complained about you not appreciating his attention.

So it baffles me to know end that you're so bent out of shape about being 'discarded'. You mentally discarded this guy right from the get-go. Or is it just that you want to be wanted, but aren't willing to put back the same effort?

This just boils down to a bit of insecurity. You need to just learn to be happy alone and in your own skin. That's going to mean taking some time to really understand yourself and immersing yourself in the things that give you joy in life. People will always disappoint you at some point. You can only disappoint yourself if you choose to.

[4 ratties]

You only wanted him as a friend and only knew him for 2 weeks.. Think about it, that's not healthy for you to be so upset about this. This happened to me all the time with guys when I was dating. It's hard meeting the right person sometimes, but it doesn't sound like your ready at all cuz your not over your ex. Focus on your girlfriends and family and don't get your feelings invested in a guy right now.
Give yourself time to heal and be happy again.

[Go4it]

I agree about not getting invested in a guy right now. Sounds like you need to focus on yourself right now, finding out who you are and what you want out of life. I'd stay away from online dating right now. I know you thought you were starting to have a real relationship but it's easy to imagine a relationship is something that it's not when most of it occurs via texting. I know you are using it to ease the pain of your break up but it doesn't seem to be working. Focus on yourself. Get busy with your life doing something positive and productive. Then most likely you will be ready to pursue a real relationship.

[michelle23]

Im with smackie. Your just out of a relationship, lonely, your confidence is low etc. The worst way to deal with that is clinging to some random guy. Plus you let things happen too fast between you b4 you new whether your on the same page or not. Your ego has taken a little knock, get over it, it happens to everyone. Be alone for awhile and take some time to figure out what you want and stay away from men at the moment coz your vulnerable

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[Ugly_Swan]

Let's be fair, you also kind of treated this guy like a second thought. You didn't want him for anything more than to fill in a hole in your life, and you've openly acknowledged that in your post. You even mentioned that he complained about you not appreciating his attention.

So it baffles me to know end that you're so bent out of shape about being 'discarded'. You mentally discarded this guy right from the get-go. Or is it just that you want to be wanted, but aren't willing to put back the same effort?

This just boils down to a bit of insecurity. You need to just learn to be happy alone and in your own skin. That's going to mean taking some time to really understand yourself and immersing yourself in the things that give you joy in life. People will always disappoint you at some point. You can only disappoint yourself if you choose to.

=( but I regret not showing my appreciation. It's not that he was a second-thought (I really enjoyed talking to him), it's that I was worried about getting attached. And I did.

I like this: "People will always disappoint you at some point. You can only disappoint yourself if you choose to."

[Ugly_Swan]

I agree about not getting invested in a guy right now. Sounds like you need to focus on yourself right now, finding out who you are and what you want out of life. I'd stay away from online dating right now. I know you thought you were starting to have a real relationship but it's easy to imagine a relationship is something that it's not when most of it occurs via texting. I know you are using it to ease the pain of your break up but it doesn't seem to be working. Focus on yourself. Get busy with your life doing something positive and productive. Then most likely you will be ready to pursue a real relationship.

Well, we didn't just text. We also met up twice, and talked on the phone.

However, I didn't think we were gonna go into a relationship--just a friendship.

[Ugly_Swan]

First mistake you used him as a crutch to escape the pain from your previous breakup. That's unhealthy to seek out to rebound off others emotionally when all they want is a relationship.

People have an expectation when trying to meet others on a dating site. Clearly you couldn't give him what he wanted, but his ex proposed they try again....if you were in his shoes which would you choose? He had feelings for you but didn't want to waste his time on someone that didn't want a relationship. He needed to walk away.....and that's no bullshit. You only chatted for 2 weeks....he owes you nothing.

A breakup can leave us feeling unwanted, no self worth, etc yes you are emotionally raw, but a dating site is not your answer.


You are going about it all wrong. To get through the adjustment period after a breakup is to keep busy with friends, go out dancing, go to the gym, go on a trip, take a cooking class, etc. Being productive with your time will help you become more positive.
Focus on you and getting back to finding your individuality......a man can't give you a life only you can do this for yourself.

Hey,

Thanks. That was very observant and thorough. However, it wasn't really a dating site. And we weren't dating =S and he even told me that he doesn't want a relationship....so I thought we were on the same page...But maybe he did expect something and then when confronted with the gf he was quick to discard me as an option since he can't keep two girls at the same time happy (regardless of the nature of the relationship).

I tried going through an adjustment period -- it's already been almost two months since the breakup--but I haven't been getting better psychologically (emotionally, there's less pain and I think about my ex less--but when I do, I start to really miss him).

I think you're right about this "Being productive with your time will help you become more positive." I've been having trouble being productive and really need to stop procrastinating.

[michelle23]

2months isnt enough time. As long as it hurts (even only a little bit) then your not ready to move on. You just need to focus on making yourself happy for now. Take your time. It will get easier. Theres no point having little flings with random people-now you just feel like crap all over again so just learn from it and dont make the same mistake again. Be alone until you know 100% that your ready for a serious relationship. Anything else you do other than that is destructive and it wont erase your pain x

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[Ugly_Swan]

2months isnt enough time. As long as it hurts (even only a little bit) then your not ready to move on. You just need to focus on making yourself happy for now. Take your time. It will get easier. Theres no point having little flings with random people-now you just feel like crap all over again so just learn from it and dont make the same mistake again. Be alone until you know 100% that your ready for a serious relationship. Anything else you do other than that is destructive and it wont erase your pain x

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Thanks,

Especially for understanding -- since my friends are telling me how I should move on already and how its' "ALREADY been 2 months". I don't care that it's been 2 months, it still sucks. He was very important to me.

I'm actually on a dating detox as of Nov 17th lol. Am avoiding dating sites, dating blogs, worrying about my dating future, etc.

The thing I worry about is that without meeting a new guy that I'm crazy about, I'll never get out of the regret and loss and hopelessness about the future. Because I've already been in a situation where I pined for an ex for 2 YEARS and it was only because I finally met a guy liked very much (this recent ex) that I finally got over the other one...

I just don't think "being happy with oneself" can replace love with a guy, no matter how much people say it. =S

Romantic love, I would argue, is a human need. And if you feel hopeless about ever meeting someone as wonderful, then life seems pointless/hopeless/scary.

[michelle23]

But you will find love again. Of course you will but you just need to go through the healing process first. Its okay to mourn or grieve the loss of a relationship for anything up to 2years depending on how big of a loss it actually was. You just have to be strong and help yourself to get there a little faster. Take the time to be sad, 6 months if you like for regrets-thats normal but then you really do need to stop thinking what if and stop focusing on the good times, think of the bad times- it will help you move on. If you and he were perfect for each other then you would still be together and your not. Theres a reason for that so try to remember why and also dont allow yourself to take all the blame.

Tell your friends to mind their own business. Its your life and you must do whats best for you. But the wrong thing would be to settle for second best coz your lonely or feeling insecure. That wont make you happy

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[Ugly_Swan]

But you will find love again. Of course you will but you just need to go through the healing process first. Its okay to mourn or grieve the loss of a relationship for anything up to 2years depending on how big of a loss it actually was. You just have to be strong and help yourself to get there a little faster. Take the time to be sad, 6 months if you like for regrets-thats normal but then you really do need to stop thinking what if and stop focusing on the good times, think of the bad times- it will help you move on. If you and he were perfect for each other then you would still be together and your not. Theres a reason for that so try to remember why and also dont allow yourself to take all the blame.

Tell your friends to mind their own business. Its your life and you must do whats best for you. But the wrong thing would be to settle for second best coz your lonely or feeling insecure. That wont make you happy

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That's what I worry about the most -- settling. I don't want to =S Just wish I can become strong enough to choose being alone over settling

[Peaches1605]

Hi,

I'm going through something similar at the moment so may be able to help. I know it sucks, but I think more people do it than people realise. I agree, it isn't a healthy way to work through your feeling about a break up, but I also see your point of view here since I did something similar a few weeks ago.

I feel the most important thing after a break up is to take time out for yourself. Do what you enjoy doing which has little or no interaction with possible encounters with the opposite sex (and I don't mean guy friends)

If you want to continue dating other people that's fine, but there are some mechanisms which you can use to stop yourself from getting attached. When in contact with somebody, don't just sit and stare at your e-mail/facebook/phone, busy yourself with other things you enjoy so you don't end up giving you full attention, because if that attention goes, you will end up feeling abandoned.

Another thing is - Enjoy it! A lot of the time people put too much stress on themselves and its really not worth it in the end. A lot of the time, after a break up, people seek the comfort they had with someone else, but the truth is, they don't know you like your ex did. They're also probably still figuring out their feelings for you and if you are looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself, this ends up putting too much pressure on a new person in your life.

The way to avoid abandonment issues in the future is to make your life the best it can be. Start building! Eventually, you will have every moment filled with things to do! And something like feeling ignored would go completely unnoticed. A lot of people don't realise this but you need to put yourself first, especially after a break up. Find out who you are without your ex, and have that fantastic life you deserve

Good luck

[michelle23]

I think being alone for awhile is better for your self esteem in the long run. When your lonely, hurt, insecure etc you will only attract other damaged people and therefore do more damage to each other. A good man is worth waiting for if it means you dont get used, messed around, backstabbed and hurt in the meantime. When your vulnerable some men sense that and they will take advantage which is why you should take some time out. Theres lots of other things you can do in the meantime. Focus on work, school, family, friends, join some new hobbies, learn something new such as sign language or learn how to bake, do some charity work. Write all your feelings down and then burn the page. Aparantly thats good for healing too

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