my situation - can this be resolved??

[john219]

Me and my girlfriend have been together about 8 months now. At first things went well, as they do, we had some great times together and had fun. But recently things have changed and turned a bit sour. There are quite a few different issues why this is but possibly the most significant one has been to do with her best friend who is a guy.

They have been friends for about 5 years and they have a long, intense friendship. They have done many things together and have even lived together until last year for almost 2 years. I only found out later on, that they did have some history together at one point where things got out of hand and they ended up being a bit too physically close (light petting) but nothing more. She has thought about the possibility of being together with him but nothing materialised and so they have never been together in the 5 years they've known each other. They have always just been very good, close friends.

I had never met this guy before and when I met my gf last summer she was still living with him in his flat. The first signs of trouble came when she put up a photo of me and her on a date early on. He didn't like it and told her to take it down. As time went on, he got more increasingly unhappy about the situation. To begin with, she didn't even let me come into the flat because she knew he would unhappy with it and things would be awkward. Eventually I started coming round and whenever I did, he would never come out of his room. He locked himself away like an immature child even though he's 29 because, I guess he was jealous and that unhappy with me dating his best friend. Now later on, I found out that he had talked to someone I vaguely know in an attempt to find out information about me. And what this friend had told him wasn't even true and then used that as ammunition to speak against me. He then wrote a letter to one of my gf's mutual friends saying how he is worried about her and basically saying I'm not a good guy etc.

This outraged me, I could not believe someone would do such a thing. When she confronted him about it, he said that he was only looking out for a friend! But I was hurt and this guy instead of deciding to speak to me face to face, continued to be an idiot and pretty much ignore me. Even after this happened I still wanted to be polite and civil to him and yet nothing happened. He refused to speak to me then and refuses to speak to me now. What also bothered me at the time, was the fact that my gf although did stand up for me never once demanded that he should apologize to me and that me and him should talk this through since he has a problem with me. It felt even back then like she was taking sides with him. Things then got worse and more tense between the two of them in the flat. He said that if she continued to be with me then she would have to move out and one time he turned up in her room at night as she was about to sleep, saying he loves her and that he wants to marry her etc. She freaked out and shouted at him etc. She eventually moved out to somewhere away from him with people she didn't know (and to this day it's the one positive thing she's done to alleviate this entire situation).

So I honestly believed that this would finally be a fresh start for her and us and that her contact with him would subside. But it hasn't. Over the last 3.5 months they have spent a lot of time together, meeting up one on one, going out for nights out, gigs, concerts (which is something they used to do anyway before), they TEXT EACH OTHER EVERY DAY, sometimes he would text her like 30-40 times a day! They text each other in the morning and then say goodnight to each other. She said that it's just what we're used to when we used to live with each other. Whenever I've been with her for an evening or the weekend, she'd be getting messages from him. I do know, having once read some of their messages, that she's not really saying loads whereas his text messages tend to be longer but still she is replying. Then there was one time when she was ill and she went round to his place to stay the night! Instead of coming to mine, she felt his place was her home and is a sentimental person etc. and has these attachments to places. I later found out they had slept in the same room and I was outraged and so angry and she apologized and agreed it wouldn't happen again. But it did happen again when she went back to his place after going to some gig that he wanted to take her to as her bday present. She had told him to go and sleep in the lounge whilst she was going to sleep in his room in his bed. At first he did, but then as she was asleep, he sneaked back into his room and slept there. What's more, I later found out that whilst in the room, whilst she was asleep, he read her text messages between me and her! And wasn't happy with what he found and a few days later confronted her about it saying you shouldn't be doing x and y since you're Christians etc. you shouldn't be going away together (we've been away together a few times). She was so upset by this as was I. He later apologized to her and things again went back to normal with them.

The point where I felt since he wasn't going to speak to me face to face, I would write to him instead. So I wrote a long email to him back in Jan. saying how I felt and what he was doing was disrespectful and inappropriate etc. I told him to just grow up and get over the fact that I'm with his best friend and if he's got a problem to speak to me. He never replied but I heard from my gf that he felt threatened by me. I wrote to him again more recently after the incident where she went back to his after the gig, this time telling him how hypocritical and disrespectful he's been but even then I was willing to offer a truce and said I'd like to get to know him and resolve things. I still had no response from him. And I heard through a mutual friend that although he admits there is an issue he doesn't want to speak to me or address me in any way. My gf says that he is scared of me....! Yet all I've done is try to resolve things and speak to him. What's interesting is that this guy has had problems with my gf's exs too! I don't know all the details but I know he wasn't happy with them either! So I guess that goes to show that he clearly has issues and is very jealous person. He has never had a girlfriend himself.


I have spoken to my gf about all this time after time after time. At other times I've just ignored it and tried to get on with the relationship. But I'm so sick of it now. It's difficult if he's texting her everyday even when I'm with her. She always insisted that they are just best friends and I have trusted her in that and so I know for a fact nothing is going on in that sense. Even so, I feel a tad uneasy about it. Like I don't know what they talk about etc. cos I have never seen them together interacting. This is clearly a significant, important person in her life and that's fine but then it's even more the reason why I should get to know him.

However, from all what I've said surely this situation is just out of control and their friendship is just far from appropriate for someone who is in a relationship. And this is what really upsets me....it's one thing her having this friendship with him, but what really gets me upset and confused and angry is HER ATTITUDE to the entire situation. Whenever I've brought it up, she always been very defensive about it (she's defensive person by nature). I tell her how disrespectful and wrong it is to spend that much time with him and at times she agrees and has said I'll back off. But she has never truly made any changes. They still text all the time, see each other at least once/twice a week sometimes more. The other night, she was wearing his hoodie to go to bed as I was leaving her place! She says how he really cares for her and looks out for her, bit like an older brother I suppose. As she hasn't had any siblings and never really had a father figure, maybe she's let him take on that role. So there is obviously, clearly an emotional connection/attachment and one that doesn't seem like it's going to fade. So how can she be totally committed to me? As much as I dislike him, the fact is he is NOT forcing her to spend all this time with him, going out etc. She could make the choice to say no and limit her time with him. But despite my pleas and concerns, that's not happening. AND on top of all of this, I think she has realised that he may well have feelings for her afterall! So she senses this and yet even that doesn't deter her from seeing him.

Now, what's even more outrageous is due to her insecurities about trust as she has been cheated on before, she has a problem with me corresponding with my female friends!!! I know this is unbelievably hypocritical and really yet another reason why I'm sick of this whole thing. She would see a harmless text message from a female friend and go nuts sometimes. I did have a close female friend earlier last year who I used to speak to everyday but of course I don't anymore and she gets funny and uneasy if I contact her. IT'S OUTRAGEOUSLY HYPOCRITICAL and a double standard how she reacts in that way yet carries on seeing this guy and being in daily contact with him. I've asked her many times how she would feel if I had a really close female friend who I texted every day, met up with once/twice a week, went out on nights together etc. in other words the very equivalent of her friendship with him and she said she wouldn't be happy about it. I can imagine she would go crazy. And yet, it seems ok for her to do what's she doing with him!! It's one rule for her and another for me. I'm just tired of hearing “but he's my best friend” excuse. The bottom line is that she knows how upset I am about it and deep down she knows how wrong it is to be in contact with someone on that level when you're in a relationship, yet says it's difficult with him because they're so close etc etc. But at the same time I feel part of her is so oblivious to the whole thing, dismissive even. And this amazes me. It seems like she cannot actually realise and see how hypocritical she is. She can't seem to see how she is doing the VERY THING that if I did that, she would be so upset. It's like she sees him as some exception to the rule, even if it's putting a strain on our relationship.

The last couple of weeks have been difficult as she has spent more time with him. On Sunday I couldn't get to see her as it was getting late and she was disappointed by that but then, of course, she goes out and sees him for pizza instead. She has told me before she finds it difficult to be on her own sometimes and needs company.

What's made me share this long story is what happened the other day and yet another example of this ongoing issue. She is considering a PhD and was keen to attend this open day for an university she was keen on. She did mention it to me before but then I heard a few days before that she had already planned to go to it with him! I was shocked and told her straight I would like to go to that with you and support you but she had already planned things with him. She had taken the afternoon off work to work on her proposal but when she called me on the day she was on her way to meet him for coffee before the open day! They attended the open day, she went back to his and had dinner and got back to hers around 1130pm. I'm still in shock over it. How she felt the need to take this guy along for something that was important to her, something to do with her future and instead of sharing that with her bf, she goes with him. Even if she had gone with someone else I would stil have been disappointed because she should have taken me I feel. I just couldn't focus and have hardly slept since.

I haven't spoken to her since then and it is because I am seriously considering ending things with her. I'm so sick of the hypocrisy, the double standards, his behaviour, her ignorance and dismissive nature about the situation. I have tolerated it and given her the respect that she's has a guy best friend and feel I have done everything possible on my part to resolve this and move on. But nothing seems to change. Is it really possible for a girl to have such a close friendship with a guy and have a serious relationship at the same time? I don't think so, because there is a conflict of emotions in my opinion. There is no doubt an emotional attachment with this guy, hence why they feel the need to text each other daily and stay in touch and see each other on such a regular basis.

This issue aside, as a relationship things haven't been great either anyway. We do get on sometimes and have a laugh and have had some good times but as time as gone on there are too many times where she would get snappy, moody, upset over little things whereas I am very laid back and just take things as they come. I'll be honest what's difficult in letting go is my age. At 29, I thought I would have been married. I don't want to go back to the drawing board and start over but I know that's not a reason to stay in a relationship.

SO I don't know. I guess why I've written this down is because I need to know whether I'm over-reacting to this situation or whether any bf would be upset about this? I know it's hard to tell without actually knowing the people involved but from everything I've written....what do you think?

[VincenzoG91]

I don't think you're overreacting. Your girlfriend is a hypocritical idiot who doesn't know how to behave in a relationship. Dump her. I had a friend go through this last year, same situation. When he first started dating his girlfriend, she was living with a creepy guy friend who had a crush on her but was doing the weaselly friend thing. My friend constantly had to put up with this guy trying to undermine the relationship. Even after she finally moved out, there was still way too much contact with the creepy guy friend. There were some other issues in the relationship, and the breakup was probably the result of a combination of factors, but I know that the guy friend was an ongoing problem. I met the guy friend at a couple of social occasions, and it was pretty obvious that he was in standard vulture position, waiting for their relationship to fail. He was also one of those guys who had a crappy life but an excuse for everything.