disappearing acts

[tremolo]

So I was recently seeing a guy for a couple months. We formed a really great connection - texted incessantly, saw each other frequently - almost every day in fact - though not really dates, except occasionally, since we're both extremely busy and have awkward living situations. Nevertheless, we were always in contact and had some crazy chemistry happening. Then I began to notice that after things got particularly heated - after he would profess to have more feelings for me than he's ever had for a woman before, and to be so into me he couldn't wrap his head around it - he'd disappear for a few days - maybe a week - and then resurface as if nothing had happened. This happened two or three times, and now it seems he has stopped talking to me altogether. I am 99% sure there is no other woman involved... so what on earth is going on with him? The first time this happened, we'd had an argument, but since then, things have been fine - except of course that after he disappears, I'm not keen to pick right up where we left off...

I've tried texting him several times, and at this point, I've given up, and probably won't even respond if he does resurface again. I just want some insight into what is going on - assuming I'm right that there is no other woman in the picture... Ideas?

[Red Apollo]

Something about that is certainly odd. Another woman being in the picture would be most likely. Assuming you are right about that not being the case, he might just have some weird personal things going on. I think the best thing to do would be to just ask him about it when he talks to you again, so you can at least know what was going on. Other than that you should probably just leave him alone.

[tremolo]

I think you must be right that something weird is going on with him, and you're right also that I shouldn't bother him anymore. I had already stopped contacting him, but if he does ever talk to me again, I'll ask him. In my last text to him, last week, I asked if he could just let me know if he'd gone off me or met someone else - that it was okay with me, I just would like to know if that was the case - but no response.

I suppose it is possible that he has just recently met someone else, but I don't understand then why he wouldn't just clue me in, or how he could be so sold on another woman so quickly after he said he fell so hard for me? This guy is really awesome, but he's not really the kind of guy that women chase after. I just feel very confused.

[vashti]

Does he have a legitimate source of income? The only person I know who behaves this way carries out some shady business deals...

But I agree - it would be intolerable for me.

[tremolo]

He is an attorney, so yes. I do find it odd though that I can't seem to find him online, but perhaps it's not so odd since he doesn't work for a firm and I'm not sure how to go about finding him exactly. Anyway, I don't really doubt that he IS an attorney because I went with him on a legal errand once to a courthouse, and he talked for hours with another lawyer friend of mine about legal stuff... *shrug*

[qwertz]

Can you not pick up the phone and call him rather than text?

[tremolo]

I probably should have done that a week ago. But after sending several texts he didn't respond to, I feel like I should just try to forget about him and move on. It's a shame, because I was really into him, and wanted things to continue.

[vashti]

Do you know any of his friends? I might be inclined to start worrying about his safety or health.

Maybe you want to drive around by his house and just check to see that he is breathing, smack him in the head, and then forget about him.

(Are you SURE he isn't married? Maybe his wife was just out of town.)

[tremolo]

I don't know any of his friends, actually, and we've never been to each other's houses since we both live with family, and I don't think either of us want our family members involved in our 'relationship' at this point - or when we had one, at least. I have to admit the thought did cross my mind that he could be devious and have a wife or something, rather than the omnipresent ultra-religious brother he claims to have (I have omnipresent ultra-religious and over-involved parents, so I can identify), however I can't imagine that he could get away with constantly communicating with me all day, and coming to see me at various times of the day about town if he had one. When he is in touch with me, there are not long delays where I don't hear from him, unless it's during his work day and he's particularly busy. Plus he just seems like a genuine person. I've dated liars in the past who claimed to be people they weren't, so I think I'm pretty sensitive to the bull-shit bell when it rings.

I don't know what's up, but something definitely is.

Edit: He has actually invited me over to his place, but because of my own living situation, I couldn't get away on the occasions he invited me, so I'm not sure he has anything to hide there...

[asdfg789]

I agree with qwertz. just call him. lawyers are the sort that can get pretty bogged down with work occasionally.

or the screen on his phone died ?

[vashti]

He's a lawyer living with his family? Unless he is Asian, that would have been a red flag for me. Working lawyers can afford to live on their own.

[tremolo]

I think I'll just focus my attention on one of the other guys who are waiting in the wings for me. I feel like to call him at this point would just make me more of a nuisance to him if he's trying to avoid me - which I think he is. I'm really quite annoyed about this though, because things were great up until two weeks ago. I was working towards a big deadline at the weekend and told him I'd be totally free to see more of him once that had finally passed, and once it did, I texted him and didn't hear anything for several days, by which point I was steeped in work again. He claimed he didn't know I'd texted him, so I backed off on communicating with him, since he obviously didn't seem to care much about seeing me at that time. He tried messaging me a couple more times, but I was still kind of pissed at him and not really responsive... then I got in a car wreck in which my car was totaled, so didn't have a lot of time to worry about him for a few days there. Once that subsided I tried to rekindle things and I guess he's just not interested anymore. Ordinarily, I would just accept that and not think much of it, but he was so obviously into me and kept saying how hard he'd fallen for me, I would think it weird that he could just detach like that... But then, my last ex did the same thing, so maybe it's one of those male things I just can't understand as a woman.

[tremolo]

He's a lawyer living with his family? Unless he is Asian, that would have been a red flag for me. Working lawyers can afford to live on their own.

Actually, he does own his own house, but... he has this younger brother who recently proposed to a woman out here and moved here to be near her. My guy told his brother he could stay with him until he found a place of his own, but I guess the brother has taken that to mean until he gets married. Because his brother isn't nearly as liberally minded as my guy is, he thought it would create problems if I were to come over and we were to try to have some time alone together there. I don't totally get it, but I sort of do because that's precisely the reason I don't bring him over to my parents' home.

[Wakeup]

He tried messaging me a couple more times, but I was still kind of pissed at him and not really responsive...

I wonder if he is thinking the same things that you are?

Anyway, His behaviour sounds sketchy, Tremolo. He sounds like he's either married, a drug dealer or an undercover cop on a confidential case.

I think I'll just focus my attention on one of the other guys who are waiting in the wings for me.

Sounds like a plan. Its never a good thing to let a man come in and out of your life without him explaining why he has to do such a thing.

[leoben]

The adrenaline of a new relationship wore off for him. If he was still really into you he wouldn't just stop calling. Even when I was working 12 hour days I would spend my lunch breaks texting with this girl I was really into. You find time somewhere.

Those guys who are waiting around while you date someone else are really into you. Don't date them though, find someone you really like.