Its been 10 months now...

[mrnicex]

Hi all
I really need everyones help here as this is going on for nearly 10 months now.

I suppose its a common topic but everyone has a different situation and meaning to it. I have basically lost sexual attraction of all kind to my girlfriend of nearly 10 years. I have only kissed her a few times in the last year and we haven't had sex in 10 months.

I have read numerous forms and they all say you must break up with her. Sometimes I think we are not 100 % suitable but I also look around at my friends relationships and they are all not perfect. When I look at her across a dinner table I feel it inside and when I look into her eyes all I want to do is care for her and give her a cuddle but i just dont want to have sex with her...

My girlfriend is amazing. She ticks the boxes of every guys dream but i just dont want to have sex with her anymore. What do I do?
I refuse to break up with her as she is one in a kind but I feel that this situation is crushing her self esteem and I feel a bit selfish for not letting her go as the attraction is gone. I guess I hope it will just come back?? Is it possible that it will just come back?? As this recently happened to my sister who lost interest in her husband but came back after a while.
I dont know why this happened to me but I lost my job recently and before that I was under alot of pressure @ work which she says has changed me a bit, actually alot of people say I have changed because of the pressure I was under in the last 15 months or so. I still dont think this is the cause as I still masturbate about other women daily so the sex drive is still inside of me.
She was crying this week to me saying that she cant go one with this but she doesnt want to leave me and talks about marriage and I dont want to leave her but something has to give as sex is a complete necessity for a working relationship

What should I do and please dont say break up. I want this to work but at the end of the day I am only attracted to a type of body and she has put on weight since she stopped smoking and her shape a gone. I know this is cruel to say but its true.

[josh930]

Love and attaction fades in and out of relationships. It will come back. After being in a relationship for a while the you start looking more at the negative things about your spouse and forget about all the positive things about them. Maybe you can suggest you guys could bond by joining a gym together and try to live a healthier lifestyle. You'll both loose weight and you both will become more attracted to one another. Dont give up on her. She is the same person that had your whole heart at one time. Its small problems like this that make the divorce rate so high when they can be easily fixed.

[IndiReloaded]

Stop masturbating yourself daily. That will increase your libido & interest for your GF. If there are any other issues w/your relationship, deal with those as well.

[mrnicex]

I dont understand how these things change like this as she is the same girl I met 10 years ago. But she is beginning to get fed up with me now and is beginning to press for answers.
I dont know what to say to her? and how much time I am expected to wait before the attraction comes back. Its been 10 months now?

I also want to go away traveling for a few months soon as I am out of work but this will be a major problem for her. I dont want her to stop me as I think I really need to get away from this recession as much as anyone and the time is perfect for me.

I also had some 1-1 sessions with "relate" but they really didnt help me. Apart from going to the gym together and stopping masturbating is there any other advice you can give?

[flora]

You say that you love her, but have no attraction to her whatsoever. Are you sure that you are still "in love" with her? After being with someone for a long period of time, I think it is reasonable that you will always love them, care about them, and be afraid of losing them completely. However, that doesn't mean the spark is still there, or that you are still "in love" with them. It can still be scary and hard to end things because its not like you hate the person, and the thought of them with someone else can be upsetting.
Are you sure that you aren't subconciously trying to push her away? By not sleeping with her, and by traveling when you know it will bother her, you may be hoping that she will cut things off because you don't have the courage?

[mrnicex]

Maybe Flora, I dont know really... I have only ever had one girlfriend so I am very confused how I should feel sometimes.
Put it this way when I look at her when she is not looking I notice things about her which I love and it makes me smile. Small things like the way her head is small compared to the rest of her! lol but its true.. and when I am sitting in a restaurant and look into her eyes I get a funny feeling inside of me. I also think about her daily. So please tell me is this "in love" or "in love as a friend". I'm not sure of the difference.
Sometimes I do think we are not fully compatible and there is someone else out there that is a better fit for me but what relationships are perfect? I dont know many. but I sometimes think I would be suited to someone that is a bit more low maintenance. She has plenty of mood swings and can get very snappy with me if there is a problem related to work etc.. I find this very upsetting and it really really frustrates me. Sometimes it can be everyday for a week or so. Do you think this is normal ? and is this snapping causing problems in our sex life? It would only last a few seconds but it still shouldnt happen
Allot of my friends say they dont know how i listen to it but I do and I am fed up as I have tried talking to her but she just turn it around on me.
So Flora, to answer you question - Maybe, I dont know! Maybe thats why I want to go traveling.. to see if there is someone else... but i would prefer to stay with her and get our problems resolved.

[mrnicex]

BTW the travelling part isnt a stunt to push her away. Its for me to get away for a while for a number of reasons. The not sleeping part is out of my control too. So I I'm sure I am not doing these things to push her away.

[IndiReloaded]

I dont know what to say to her? and how much time I am expected to wait before the attraction comes back. Its been 10 months now?

Well, you've been together about as long as many married couples. I'm inclined to give you the same advice I would a married couple. And for them, around the 7-10 year mark is when a lot decide to divorce.

So, things to ask yourself: how strong is the rest of your relationship? Is it worth breaking up? What are the things that bind you? Married couples who go through a crisis often don't recover for at least a couple years, 10 months isn't really that long.

Did you read the Sticky article in the main Love Forum section called 'Stages of Marriage'? You might find it helpful. Check it out, then come back & post your thoughts.

[mrnicex]

Nice post.

I'm probably at stage 3 but in order to get to stage 4 and to overcome this sexual block I think I need to accept certain things about her? Things which at the moment really frustrate me. She is a very emotional women and can snap regularly and this is something I find hard to accept as I find it very rude. For example if I forgot to call her about something I was meant to get back to her about, there would be an episode about this and if she was tired it would be multiplied. Are you saying that to get into stage 4 I need to accept that she is like this, and accept that bad comes with good? and do you think this part of the relationship that bothers me is resulting in less attraction?
Right now we are on a break and I miss her. The no sex is really hitting her self esteem and I hate to hurt her. Part of me is saying let go and find someone easier but I love the girl. Now I am even more confused than I was yesterday!

[IndiReloaded]

Well, whatever you decide, don't ever make decisions when you are upset. Emotions go up, intellect goes down. That's a truism.

As for the rest, you'll have to decide for yourself. You don't have children, I assume? For a lot of married couples, children are the glue that binds them & helps them get past the rough patches. I'm in no way suggesting you have kids, btw. Never, ever use children as a way to recover a bad relationship. It never works (kids add stress to all relationships, no matter how good) and the kids always suffer their parent's stupidity in this regard.

"Finding someone easier", made me laugh tho. There is no such, darlin. Most people's problems in reasonable relationships (i.e. no abuse, addiction, etc. reasonably compatible values, etc) are to do with themselves. Your partner is largely just a mirror for your own issues. You will have just as many problems with someone else, perhaps different ones, but I doubt it will be any 'easier'.

Think about it. Discuss with her. That's the only way to solve these things. Good luck.

[mylovelywife]

Have a chat with her about it, that's the only thing you can do bud.

[mrnicex]

Thank you all for this support. It has made a difference.
I'm just going to have to come out and be truthful that the attraction is gone due to stresses and other reasons in life. I know I need to be careful with wording here but its no ones fault and it happens to all at times. Regarding the mood swings etc.. I will also mention this but I think as a man I should learn to cope and it the upmost respect I should learn ignore but its hard. I'll keep you posted. You have helped alot.

Indireloaded, nope I dont have kids and dont plan to either for a long time..

What did you mean that "your partner is largely a mirror for your own issues".?? This has me thinking and maybe I can use this to turn things around