Regretting a breakup!

[Kaius]

Hello, I have not posted here in years, so I will consider this my first post.

About me: 38 years old, male, divorced for 3 years, 2 small kids, finance professional.

I met a woman 2.5 months ago who is the same age as me, 1 child, divorced for 4 years. We fell in love very quickly, and have been basically inseparable. We have been exclusive since date #2. I consider her the love of my life, and we talked about a future together. We want to eventually be married end of next year. I moved to an apartment 7 minutes from her so I could be close to her. We are very compatible in every way. Sex has been beyond amazing.

As of 2 weeks ago, I started to worry about her exs. coming back into her life. She confided in me that an ex-bf, whom she dated on and off since her divorce wants to get back together. This time she told him no, and formally decline his request to ever be friends again. She has made every effort to calm my insecurity, and I am grateful. For some odd reason, I have been thinking about how many sexual partners she has had since her divorce 4 years ago. I don't know why I became obsessed, not that it would matter. I think I suffer from retroactive jealousy. One morning I asked if it's okay for her to remove everyone she dated from her Facebook, since she doesn't keep in touch with them anyway. She said ok, no problem. Last friday, I decided to put my obsession to rest, and called her at work. I asked if it's okay to discuss our sexual history, and she said okay she has nothing to hide from me. In my mind, I anticipated about 11-12 sexual partners in the last 4 years, considering she's online dating but is only available every other weekend because of her child. She counted 8, which was the same number as me. She mentioned one of them was a bad mistake, and one of them was with a penpal 18 years older than her. One long relationship (on-and-off), and rest were short relationships. We laughed about it, and that put my mind to rest for a day. For some reason the old penpal kinda stuck in my head. He's in another country, they met up 2 times 2 years ago when he visited, and he never came back. I don't know what bothered me more....his age or his casualness. I always thought my woman is cautious about sleeping with people, and this man was a penpal for 2 months, and they slept together when he came to visit. Yeah I was bothered.

Yesterday was her daughter's birthday, and they invited me to join in an outing. I took some anti-anxiety drugs a few hours before, and I think I took too much. It gave me an adverse reaction. I started interrogating her about the old penpal. At first she gave me the details I asked. When I asked, "was his performance any good?" she answered "it was good, but not spectacular like the sex we have." For some reason I felt she was holding back. Maybe the old geezer was really good in bed, and she didn't want to hurt my feelings? She then told me he was still on her Facebook because she didn't consider him as an ex-BF, and he was the brother-in-law of her best friend. She didn't want to cause any drama with her best friend. Then I started feeling really bad, and she told me to stay behind and not mess up the birthday. I went home.

I think the medication affected my judgement. I got really mad, and wrote her an email about how she lies...and how disgusting it was that she slept with an old man. Then I texted her "It's OVER". She texted back, "I am in shock...I can't believe you are doing this." I passed out for 20 minutes, and then I realized what I had done. I begged her to forgive me, as I did not mean it. I really didn't want to break up... what came over me? I love this woman so much... I was completely wrong. That night I went over to her place to explain and apologize. She was still really mad. She told me she couldn't believe I would leave her just like that. I explained I didn't leave her...the text was out of frustration. She explained that the old guy meant nothing... she never even thought about him after he went back. She said I am the love of her life, and no one has ever rocked her world in bed as I have. She doesn't think about anyone except me...day and night. But now she is scared that I would abandon her for insignificant reasons. She said now she is tempted to slow down and put a wall up just in case I try to break her heart again. She cried, and would not touch me. She said she had to hold back her tears all night while pretending to be having a good time with her daughter. I felt so bad. I am still feeling bad. She went out of town with her daughter, and I won't see her till this Saturday. I have written 3 emails and several texts asking for forgiveness. I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist to take a look at my issue. I don't want to lose her. I messed up. I am so sad. She texted me today to tell me she still loves me, and that she forgives me. But I feel I did some irreparable damage. I don't know how to convince her that I would NEVER leave her, and that this ridiculous episode would never happen again.

Ladies: Can you forgive a man you truly love after he messes up like this?

[4 ratties]

No I couldn't. This whole thing sounds like a mess. You sound really immature. You have children but yet you overdose on pills before your gfs kids birthday party, you go off on her for no reason, you want to marry someone you've only known for 2 months. And your obsessed with sex and are really insecure and jealous. I would run like hell from you. Make sure not to miss that therapy appt.

[anonymous_a]

I could forgive you, given the fact that you are looking into psychiatry and actually attempting to get help. I believe in second chances as long as they are deserved. Keep working on building her trust back up, and really show that you are sincere. Actions speak louder than words.

[basilandthyme]

I'd have to say that any love I held for him would have been destroyed by that behaviour. So, I wouldn't give another chance.

[TablesandChairs]

That behavior would be put me off; especially since you had no regard for the fact that she was throwing her child a birthday party and had to fight tears for who knows how long as a result.

Your thought patterns are obsessive, which you probably know. What does her past have to do with the present? She got a divorce so a handful of her relationships can probably be put down to rebounding or trying to move on. Nothing unusual. Also, questioning her over how good (or bad) an ex was in bed is just poor form. She shouldn't need to discuss that with you - ever.

Your anxiety will cause you endless grief so you need to take treatment seriously - simply dosing up on XanaxValium or whatever doesn't deal with the issue in any way, so I hope you have a treatment plan in place.

Tell her you acted out of extreme insecurity and that it won't happen again but only make that promise if you are able to keep it. Otherwise, her suggestion of taking things slower is a good one; you need to fix some things.

[j-white]

To be honest it sounds like you aren't in a fit mental state to have a relationship. You would eventually destroy the poor woman who would then resent you in future.
You need to work on your own issues before getting into a relationship

[Kaius]

She is on vacation with her daughter till tomorrow. I have given her updates about my upcoming psych appointment, and medication refill. To be honest, I seriously thought I was fine when we met. I haven't been on meds for several months, and have been happily dating. I seriously don't know how or why I had my mental breakdown before her kids' party. She could tell I was spinning uncontrollably, and it was a good thing that I left. I regret texting her afterwards.... Wish I could turn back the clock.

She has been encouraging me most of the day yesterday. She is glad that I am taking steps to fix this. I really don't want to lose her. She told me this morning that she still loves me very much. I think the foundation is shaken, and she is waiting to see if I'll get better. Logically that's what a woman should do if they are still in love but don't know if their man would continue bad behaviors. Everything was so perfect in the last 2 months. I gave her the best birthday she ever had....champagne cruise, 4-star hotel getaway, couples massage romance package, and a super cool present she always wanted. I feel I just undid all that happiness in one afternoon. I am so scared of losing her. I wrote an email earlier asking her to please be patient (which I know she is already), and to not give up on me. The next time I'll see her is this Saturday, my birthday. She has stuff lined up for me, but I told her I just want this weekend to be about us. I really need to reconnect with her. The guilt is killing me. I know I will get better with therapy and proper medication. I overcame anger and resentment issues 3 years ago, and never regressed. Now my problem is just feeling sad, and I guess I am just immature/insecure/jealous. I would do anything to make things right. My mom killed herself on my 5th birthday, so I get kinda nervous when August hits. I don't know if it has anything to do with my immature/insecure/jealous behaviors, but I really dread my birthday every year. My previous psychiatrist helped me resolve that, and I thought I had finally let it go. I didn't expect a mental meltdown this past weekend...I really didn't. My girlfriend is aware of my past, and she knows I have fear of abandonment issues. Now I am forced to face my fears again, because I don't want to lose the love of my life.

[lalalita]

Why are you so focused on her past sexual experiences?

Your past sexual experiences aren't being put under the microscope, why are you cross examining hers?

What she did before you started dating has nothing to do with you.

[Kaius]

Tell her you acted out of extreme insecurity and that it won't happen again but only make that promise if you are able to keep it. Otherwise, her suggestion of taking things slower is a good one; you need to fix some things.

Very good points. I did in fact tell her that I was stupid and jealous. I agreed to take things slower so we can enjoy each other in the "now". I think subconsciously I was overwhelmed by all this love and commitment early on, even though I really wanted it. So for now we are going to take our time getting to know each other while I go through therapy. She wrote an email today that really touched me. She said, "I am shaken, but I want to keep trying with you.....you are worth trying...." This woman loves me so deeply even after I hurt her. I am really ashamed. Feel like crying. I definitely have issues which I will overcome....for her...and for my children.

I verified the dosage last night of my medication. It used to be a wafer form, but got changed to tablets. I didn't know I was supposed to cut and not take another until 24 hours later. I was feeling anxious/insecure because I won't see her for a week, so I took what I thought was correct. I ended up taking 4X the recommended dosage, which caused me to spin. I know I can't blame the medication. When she was mad that night, she said no medication can make up ideas....I must have had those thoughts to act on them.

I can't wait to see her this weekend and hold her. Gonna treat her like a queen, and keep apologizing. If I can make something positive out of all this, it may be worth the pain.