Devistated by "not in love with you anymore..."

[LostMan]

I met my fiancé two years ago. We have had an amazing relationship. We travel, have a house, good jobs, financial stability. We have common interests, both do housework/chores, etc. She tells me (even now) that I am the perfect guy, AND the perfect guy for her. I hit everything on "her list."

Our one issue has been that we are lighter in the physical intimacy area than I would like. I have tried to talk about it, tried to just accept it, tried to be ultra romantic and to help create a better mood. She says she has no idea why, but blamed it on birth control She swapped, swapped again, and eventually just stopped BC (which led to almost no physical intimacy).

I accepted that. I RARELY (if ever) bring it up. She makes me BEYOND happy in every other way.

She says she can't imagine herself living without me (she USED to say she "could never live without me"). I felt like I was reading too deep into the subtle difference until last night.

She told me last night that she is unhappy. She doesn't know why, and she thinks it is her (not me). She says that she had similar feelings in a prior relationship, and could never get over them -- it eventually ended. I felt (and still feel) like my world has fallen out of the sky...

She says she loves me more than anything, and can't imagine ever loving anyone this much. I asked if she was still "in love," and she said no. I now know she has considered moving out, and I have hit an emotional low. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I love this woman more than anything in this world, and while I fully understand that I should probably be prepared to accept loss, I am not ready to.

If I thought for an instant that she would be happier with someone else, or that it was me, I would tell her to pursue that happiness, but I am 100% sure she has something going on internally. She has told me of other life experiences, accomplishments, relationships, etc where she went into something extremely motivated and excited that the outcome may make her happy. Once she got to the end, she was disappointed that she wasn't as happy as she thought she would be.

She is scared that some of the goals & aspirations in our future will end the same way.

It is my understanding that she is going to finally go see a therapist to see if her overall unhappiness is related to something other than her life & situation. I am going to do the same.

I have experienced significant loss in a relationship before (decade long) relationship. I am not ready for this…

[QueenofCorona]

I agree with you, I think she has something going on inside that needs to be addressed. It sounds like depression which is treatable.

[lhn]

Just from your understanding and maturity I can tell you guys sound like you're fighting against something out of your control. Therapy sounds absolutely correct at this point.

Goodluck.

[sookie6]

Lostman

I feel very touched by your testimony here. I can feel you are truely in love with this woman and I wish things could work out for you.
Indeed from the way you have presented your relationship she seems to be having some personal issues to sort out. The way she looks at love in general, men, relationships, what it takes to build one and what love entails...shows a lack of realism and a tendency to want to live in a fantasy world where past the honeymoon period the 'so-called' love evaporates.

I would say it looks like you are the opposite of her. You are very giving, want to persevere and hold on to her despite the distance in bed.
Isn't it reassuring that she is visiting a therapist. She is definitely taking the best step for now.
Unfortunately a therapy and her snapping out of whatever is bothering her might take some time. It's great that you are willing to hold her hand during this period of soul-searching but you run the risk of something worse happening...

What if you stayed by her side for months, years and then when she is finally ready to settle in a real life relationship she hooks up with someone else.

I have already said in one post that the great lesson of any major break-up should be the realisation that we are our number one priority. This may sound selfish but who will pick up the pieces of your broken heart when she vanishes out of your life with the next guy that she thinks she is in love with.

Noone can really tell you what to do.

Bottom line:

early days in any relationship: honey-moon period
When honey-moon period ends: moment of truth.

[LostMan]

Lostman

I feel very touched by your testimony here. I can feel you are truely in love with this woman and I wish things could work out for you.
Indeed from the way you have presented your relationship she seems to be having some personal issues to sort out. The way she looks at love in general, men, relationships, what it takes to build one and what love entails...shows a lack of realism and a tendency to want to live in a fantasy world where past the honeymoon period the 'so-called' love evaporates.

I would say it looks like you are the opposite of her. You are very giving, want to persevere and hold on to her despite the distance in bed.
Isn't it reassuring that she is visiting a therapist. She is definitely taking the best step for now.
Unfortunately a therapy and her snapping out of whatever is bothering her might take some time. It's great that you are willing to hold her hand during this period of soul-searching but you run the risk of something worse happening...

What if you stayed by her side for months, years and then when she is finally ready to settle in a real life relationship she hooks up with someone else.

I have already said in one post that the great lesson of any major break-up should be the realisation that we are our number one priority. This may sound selfish but who will pick up the pieces of your broken heart when she vanishes out of your life with the next guy that she thinks she is in love with.

Noone can really tell you what to do.

Bottom line:

early days in any relationship: honey-moon period
When honey-moon period ends: moment of truth.

Thanks for your feedback. I am sure you are right. I am not ready to be alone, and am not ready to face the loss that ending this relationship will bring. Unfortunately for me, I have to choose between hurting now, and potentially hurting worse later. I fear there is no easy solution.