Boyfriend hides feelings

[Kaleo]

So I entered a relationship with a man about 6 months after my prior relationship ended. We've been dating for about a year and a half now.

He is a very ethical man, but the issue I've been having with him is that he hides his feelings.

I accepted it and respected the fact that it isn't easy for him to communicate his feelings. In addition he believes that it is best to not complain. Over time, he did begin to share more with me. However most of the time, I really am not sure how he feels about many things.

Even after all this time, I still feel like I don't fully know what is going on in his head. It causes a feeling of insecurity about him. It makes me feel like I really don't KNOW him. And it also makes me feel unsatisfied, as I had hoped the man I end up with is one where we can really share ourselves with each other. I do know that it is common for males to hide their feelings. However I know there are plenty out there who at least volunteer how they feel about things. I have known males in the past who had no problem with this, and would like an ear to confess their bad day to.

I am beginning to get tired of the pinpricks I feel when I disclose something to him with no response, and the insecurity that gradually grows, and the bothersome feeling of not being aware of his feelings, thus feeling like at any moment, he could pull the rug out from under me. While I trust him from knowing his moral standards, his silence causes a deeper lack of security, as I feel like I really don't know what is going on and I can't expect him to inform me. He went on an extended trip to another country for his schooling. He spent many hours with coworkers including female, and I hate how due to knowing he intentionally hides things, it gives me this very icky feelings. I brush them aside, but with the fact how since he doesn't also remind me of his feelings for me often, it causes me to feel insecure, and makes me more prone to jealousy or fear. I always brush off those feelings, but it is bothersome with how they arise. Most of all, I dislike how I don't feel as close to him as I would like to.

I also would like to know what he likes and doesn't like. He doesn't volunteer what he likes or doesn't like about the things I do or that we do. I have to gauge his response and try to be a mind-reader. He doesn't let me know whether he enjoyed or disliked something he did earlier in the day. When I ask him about his day, it is full or technical details, but I don't know if it was a good or bad one. I do ask him whether he enjoyed or didn't enjoy things, and he usually avoids the question by avoiding answering it, pointing out what happened instead of how it made him feel. At other times, he seems to have to concentrate a lot to be able to come up with an answer. It makes it difficult because I don't know what to avoid if he doesn't like something. And I don't know what he enjoyed. It makes it difficult for me to make sure he is happy, because he doesn't volunteer what makes him happy. It makes me feel worried at offending or annoying him, and it makes me feel worried he didn't enjoy something.

One of the worst things is that when I am very distressed emotionally over something that has happened, he does not have the ability to offer me comfort or advice verbally. It's like, he just doesn't have experience with it, so he doesn't know how. In his world, he has learned to deal with problems without speaking to others about it, so I guess he just doesn't have the experience or knows what to do for a person in pain. As a result, I usually end up feeling worse when I confide in him over something that pains me. It doesn't happen often, but it is kindof a big deal as to me, one of the points of being with someone is that you have someone to help you get through the tough times, and visa versa. I can't blame him, as he wants me to be happy, he just doesn't know how to deal with those situations.

After asking, he has told me before that he enjoys being with me because I enjoy doing the same fun things that he does. But to me, what is important is that you like who the other person is, not what they do. I guess I am just a different type of person than he is, and find different things important. It seems something that could be silly - as long as you both like each other, it doesn't matter that the reasons are the same, right? But it bothers me. I would rather be with someone who valued the same things, and who was as fulfilled as my reasons for being with them as I was with their reasons for being with them. I often try to compliment my boyfriend in the ways which I would appreciate to be complimented. It bothers me that it only seems to make him uncomfortable. I hoped to have a partner who I could make happy, and he could make me happy in the same way. I feel like my good qualities are going unappreciated, and that in a different relationship, there could be more appreciation on both ends.

I know that at times he has been upset about something, and I encouraged him to tell me about it. He tried, and he confessed that talking about it was making him feel worse. I don't fault him for it, as it is just how he copes I guess.

However other than that issue, he is great. I mean, I was actually so happy to find someone who was in a lot of ways similar to me unlike anyone I had met before. Not only that, but he is honest and a good person. There are other little things that are unusual in a man and they were qualities I liked, and qualities he possessed.

I have lately begun to consider whether it is time to end the relationship, due to all of this. I do feel like I am not going to be satisfied like I want to be in this relationship. Over time, the nagging unsatisfied feelings are getting stronger. However, I do feel that he has many great qualities. So it makes it difficult. In addition, I don't want to hurt him of course. I feel very protective of him, and if I end it, it is going to cause me extreme pain in seeing him hurt. It is extremely difficult for me to leave this relationship due to the fact that I hold him in high regard in many ways, and care for him. It is pleasant to continue as we do have good times together. But I know that if things stay this way, I am going to end up feeling unfulfilled later down the line.

The other option is to tell him I'm feeling dissatisfied. I do believe one should always make an effort before breaking it off. However, honestly- Isn't it a lost cause to expect a person to change? Isn't it best to either accept how someone is or leave? I mean I owe him to tell him, but seriously, is anything going to actually change? Isn't it wrong to expect someone to change their core way of being? I will in the end tell him about all of this, although I just don't feel hopeful about the outcome.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here in terms of advice. I know that people who have accepted a silent partner may believe that you just have to accept him for it. I know that people who have left a silent partner will say they were glad they did.

I guess the ultimate thing is that it is up to me to figure out what I really want and act on that. But I'm having trouble. I really don't want to feel so unsure. I feel upset. And I don't feel like I know what the best thing to do is. Feel free to offer insight and thank you for reading.

[smackie9]

I know for myself how important it is to have good communication, and able to share things such as opinions and experiences, that's how you connect with someone. I'm just throwing this one out there but your BF might have a disorder called alexithymia. Someone who has the inability to express emotions with words or identify emotions. Might be an idea to see if you can get him in to see a physiologist for a diagnosis.

[KingZ]

Holy shit!

I hope someone answers this properly.

Indi? You around?

Also, this isn't alexithymia. [url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder[/url]

[smackie9]

Ah that's a little extreme in this case I think.

[IndiReloaded]

bumping the thread so I can find it

[HeartIsAching]

Why? It's just a troll.

[IndiReloaded]

Why? It's just a troll.

How do you know its a troll? LOL.

N, did you just psych me with this??

[sadie_genie]

Sounds like he is pretty cold to you. You reveal your feelings to him thereby disclosing something very personal and special to you. Yet, he responded with silence. Are there ANY indictions that he actually cares for you?

[IndiReloaded]

Are there ANY indictions that he actually cares for you?

This is a good point. Even Aspies do show they care, if in non-standard ways.

[KingZ]

This is a good point. Even Aspies do show they care, if in non-standard ways.

There's a difference between schizo and schizoid, which has nothing to do with schizophrenia. I'd recommend both of you (Indi and the OP) to read the wiki article.

Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, sometimes sexually apathetic, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, and emotional coldness.

[smackie9]

People who have aspergers syndrome commonly have trouble reading emotions, facial expressions and body language of others. If anyone knows Gary Numan the artist who did the song "Cars", he is an aspie.

[lahnnabell]

This feeling of insecurity isn't just about your relationship. It has a lot to do with how you see yourself. Nevertheless, you aren't satisfied with the relationship. Have you tried being direct about your dissatisfaction instead of waiting for him to have an epiphany (one that will most likely never come)?

[IndiReloaded]

I'd recommend both of you (Indi and the OP) to read the wiki article.

Alright I read it. Point made; this might explain certain things. Thanks.