can a relationship work without sex?

[jen913]

i don't mean it was blunt as the title sounds. well, i dunno. maybe? me and my boyfriend have been together for over 3 years now and our sex life is just not the same. we are both in college. i dont enjoy it anymore. number one, its RARE that we even have sex anymore. and when we do, im usually angry because i basically hint to him allll the time and TELL him what i want and he just ignores me, so i feel like he doesnt even want to do it to begin with and its a total turn off. and HE is the only one that enjoys it. he seriously enjoys it so much, that even that pisses me off (because he enjoys it and i cant). i don't know. i cant really explain it. im just so frustrated. i told him i am going to buy myself a vibrator, and gets SUPER upset because he feels that thats 'cheating'. but hey its better then going out and getting the real thing from someone else! so i dunno why hes going crazy. and he says if i would ever get with a girl he would be fine with it, even if he wasnt there. so wtf! i just think he is intimidated by the vibrator and thinks ill like the vibrator more than him (which right now i would!) then this is his last semester here, then he is going to internship back home (4 hours away) and i am staying here. that is going to suck! i have a couple guys that are trying to talk to me now while hes here, and i can only imagine what it will be like when he leaves. i am so tempted to cheat sometimes, especially when he does stupid stuff or completely just pushes me away when i try to initiate something. but i just can't.... i used to 'blog privately' and i was reading over my entries last week and i didnt even realize that i have been complaining about this same issue for over a year and a half already. besides the sexual part, i guess you can say we get along pretty well. we both love each other very much. both our hearts are very much in this relationship. but NOTHING ELSE IS GOING IN WHERE IT NEEDS TO GO (hahaha sorry) i don't get it. AHH! i don't know what to do. im going crazy....

[IndiReloaded]

How old are you both?

[jen913]

im 21 and hes 22

[IndiReloaded]

You can suggest he sees a doctor about his sex drive. Its not normal a guy his age isn't jumping your bones at least a few times a week, esp given you are ready & willing.

If its just lack of interest, you might consider breaking up. You are both young & it may just be poor compatibility. Bad sex life is a deal breaker for a lot of ppl and for good reason.

[jen913]

i just don't get it tho. the first year together we used to have sex like 1-3 times a daaay. now hes says hes busy but we are still together everyday for a few hours at least. i just don;t get it. i feel like i'm the guy asking the girl to give it up. and its not that i'm not 'good' or anything cuz, well he definitely shows and says otherwise. i dunno. i'm just lost. we were talking about marriage and everything. but if we get married and he keeps this shit up, thats how affairs start lol. its not nooormal.

[IndiReloaded]

Talk to him about it. Calmly, without pressure. Perhaps *after* your next sexual encounter. "wow, that was great. I wonder why we don't do this more often". Then LISTEN to him.

Assuming he is healthy, there are likely very specific reasons for his lack of interest. Mbe he is tired from work/school, mbe he is pissed at you, mbe his attraction for you has changed--who knows?

As for getting married, yikes. You are both waaaay to young. Don't even go there for at least another 5 years.

[jen913]

well, we just attempted another sexual encounter maybe an hour ago (lol), and it didn't quite work out so thats why i got on here to complain to someone lol. its just not the same. i dont like it. he likes it when im in charge, but i like it the other way around sometimes too. i even send him picture messages, and stuff like that. he says 'oh i like, send more more more!' but... then nothing happens. he is very healthy and in good shape. he is not pissed off at me at all. and he says hes tired from school, but, come on, everyday? i only get like 4 hours of sleep a night too, but i have enough energy for sex, at least once in a whiiiiiiile. and i was thinking about the attraction thing too, and i asked him if im not attractive to him anymore, but i think he thinks i was joking. i mean, i gained 5 pounds, going from 125 to 130 (and im 5'5) , but its nothing that should stop him from changing his mind about me. i mean, i dont have a good self esteem as it is and i am not conceited by any means, but a lot of guys (and even girls) told me i am attractive (even tho i dont see it all the time).

[Junket]

I just don't think you two are compatible sexually.

Also, the more pressure he feels, the more likely he is to resent you, and resentment is horrible for libido.

Try this.

Don't mention sex, or even hint at it for the next few weeks. In fact, when he offers sex, just politely tell him you're tired, or busy, or whatever, but not in a mean or annoyed way. Try to get him to pursue you, is what I'm saying.

But anyway.

No, at your ages a relationship will not last without sex.

[jen913]

Also, the more pressure he feels, the more likely he is to resent you, and resentment is horrible for libido.

explain please

[Junket]

It sounds to me like you've been kinda buggin' him. Using a vibrator as a threat? Though I will admit his reaction to a vibrator is juvenile and shows his insecurity.

My girlfriend and I bought a vibrator together. And while we've yet to use it extensively, I enjoyed going to a sex shop with her to look. It was fun.

Right now, it sounds to me like you guys need some maintenance sex to get yourselves back on track.

You're both in school right? Go to the same college? And you have guys hitting on you? Is he aware of this? Because if he is, then he may be feeling intimidated. But for his and your own sake, don't cheat. Break up with him if you're going to have sex with someone else.

[Dasein]

Hmm I think this one is a deal breaker. Even when you have sex it doesn't do much for you and he isn't even willing to improve? He is jealous of a vibrator? Seriously I think I would be shopping around for another boyfriend.

[lesa]

i don't get it.

I don't get it, either. The post is too confusing. Only you can answer whether your relationship can work without sex. You are tempted to cheat and vibrators and girl-on-girl okay sex. Sounds like a relationship full of drama.

Is the relationship worth keeping? Would cheating make you feel great about yourself?

[misombra]

you're too young for this shit. dump him.

[Junket]

Actually if you read her old posts, everything is drama-fied to the max.

She seems like the type of person that will put herself in a dramatic situation if it doesn't find her first.

Jen, you will learn real fast it's going to be hard to nail down a decent guy with your kind of behavior. You run too much on your emotions.

[Junket]

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I hope she breaks up with him for his sake.