Cigarettes and lies got in between our relationship

[scroogegirl]

I need some major advice from you all. Please be 100% honest, whether you grill me or agree with me, I want it all. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together for over a year. We were friends for half a year before we got together. We lived together through out our entire relationship, and let me tell you, it was really good! At first, it was hard because we both lived completely different life styles, but after a few fights and communication, we both easily changed for the better for each other. Only thing that didn't change was his smoking cigarettes. I tried to be that comfort support system for him, to be a better influence. I tried to be cute with him at first and hide his cigs, that didn't last long. I even tried smoking WITH him, didn't work. And I know, THEY have to be the ones to make the choice to stop smoking. I felt it didn't hurt to try anyhow. So I just left him to stop on his own time. It took awhile... 9 months to be exact. I lived through hell knowing he was smoking that whole time because my mother naturally has cancer. I wouldn't want the love of my life to later on get cancer too, from his OWN choices.

Well, he quit smoking in August. I was very proud of him and couldn't believe it! He went on strong for two months... until late October when I was picking him up. He was smoking a cig. He told me it was harmless, it was just one. Nothing more. But I got scared instantly. Then I find at his job, he'd been smoking a cig or two every day. Then one day, a couple days before my birthday, he said he had to "grab something from his car". He went out, took him 10 minutes, came back, and I cuddled him. His jacket smelled like cigarettes. I told him, and he up right told me he smoked one just then and I was incredibly angry. We got into a huge fight and I left. I had written him an email telling him my feelings about how I didn't like being lied to for one, and that it hurts me so much that he smokes, and sent him links to youtube vids of a father who passed away from smoking, and a model/mother who was dying from smoking and trying to teach young kids not to smoke. He wrote me back a huge, thoughtful and understanding email about how sorry he was, and he definitely gets where I'm coming from and feels horrible for starting up again. He didn't want to go down that path, and he promised he was done.

BS. It just kept getting worse. He bought another pack and smoked two a day, which is better than before, but it is still smoking in my eyes. All this was behind my back...again. but I wasn't stupid. I could smell the smoke off his clothes. I'll give him this, he was very good at lying but was very good at telling the truth when he was caught. Each time he'd tell me he wasn't going to go back down that path again, but he'd still buy more cigarettes and smoke 2-4 a day! He'd keep making excuses to go outside, like "Oh, I'm going to take the trash out." or he'd sneak out. This was obviously a huge problem, and I had told him back in the beginning of November that smoking cigs is a deal breaker for me.

Well, before this weekend, he still kept up smoking. And each day, I'd be angry and depressed. He told me he was on his last cig and he promised he was done. Come Thursday evening, we were getting ready to leave for a trip to the mountains. Right before we leave, we go to CVS to buy batteries and he automatically buys another pack of cigs....what a wonderful way to start a trip! So he smokes one, and once we get in the car...it wreaks. I was livid inside. The whole cabin trip, he smoked over 6 cigs a day. We were there for 3 days and I wanted to leave early because I knew what I had to do. I was on the last straw. We got in another huge fight, and he told me he wants to be able to enjoy vacation with a pack of cigs. He wants to be able to enjoy social outings with cigs. And if that is what makes him happy, then who cares? Life is short. I told him that's fine, he can make his own decisions but so can I. I don't want to see the love of my life smoking cigs, so I'm going to take myself out of the situation. We broke up on the way back, and it was the worst 2 hour drive of my life. He then started trying to throw back in my face "my flaws", for example, I have stomach health issues. And those issues can cause me to be bed ridden for a couple days, sometimes a week. And that's my "downfall". As if that is even remotely close to how cigarettes are. It really hurt me that he could use a health issue to mock me with.

All in all, I don't want to break up with him, but I can't have a lover who smokes. I hate the spitting, the smell, and most importantly what it can do to someone health wise. In the end, I'm left shaking, sobbing, achy, and completely depressed...like I lost my best friend. Should I have been more supportive and there for him instead of angry? In spite of the lies? Is there any one here who has experienced quitting cigarettes or is in the process of doing so? What do you all think? Lay it on me. I'm ready.

Thanks for your help.

[xxazurexx]

I married a man who liked to drink. Like you, I knew what I was getting and before I married him....nonetheless I still married him knowing he was a drinker and you chose to get involved with this guy, knowing he was a smoker.

One thing I learned, is that you CAN'T change someone who doesn't want to change. The change has to come and because they want to change.

You have a choice. You can leave and if you don't like his habits and habits he possessed before meeting you and habits he isn't likely to break. You don't have to stay.

Don't expect him to change and unless HE wants too.

[BeingAlpha]

1) He is dealing with an addiction and its probably pretty hard to kick at that
2) No one wants to be changed - you either accept someone for who they are or you don't date them -- period
3) If he truly cares about you and thinks that having a life with you is more important then he will find a way to quit smoking -- again this is an addiction and he may not ever get over it

Someone who thinks they will win out to an addiction (be it drugs, alcohol)...not sure if cigarettes, is a complete fool...

1) You will always come second to the addiction
2) You will never be powerful enough to cause your partner to change -- this is something only they can do

Being supportive of something that you don't support just compromises your integrity and while its not a game -- the psychology of it all is that if you are willing to cave on this...what else can I get away with? My advice (and I know people don't like advice) is to follow your heart. If you want to be with him -- be with him but accept the fact that he is going to engage in this behavior and find someone to not get mad about it. Or...leave and never look back until he is truly clean of whatever it is you don't want him doing.

[smackie9]

If you don't like smokers why did you even end up dating this guy knowing he smokes? You can't expect someone to quit because YOU don't like it. I suggest you leave the poor bastard alone to his cigs and find someone that is more suitable to your expectations.

[Gratedwasabi]

You got with a guy with the intent of changing him. Sorry, doesn't work. Ever.

[doppelgaenger]

I'm gonna grill you, because it's what you want.

Your expectations are very childish and unrealistic - going into a relationship thinking someone is going to drop a habit just for you is a very foolish thought. Hiding his smokes sounds so childish. Do you really think that's cute? It sounds annoying and passive-aggressive to me. I do have to give you credit for trying to accept his smoking, but it is something you knew from day one that you would not be able to tolerate. Shame on you for letting this problem last so long.

I think it's pathetic to break up over something so trivial, especially after a whole year. It just goes to show that you're not ready for any sort of long term commitment. Anyway, have you learned anything from all this besides the fact that you personally should never *ever* date a person who smokes?

[Boisdevie]

He's only smoking up to 4 cigarettes a day - that is very little for a smoker. When I smoked I was smoking up to 30 a day. Give the poor guy a break. Accept him how he is or but out but stop trying to change him - he'll ultimately hate you for it.

[vashti]

You are a nag with a superiority complex. Leave him alone. Smoking isn't illegal, and he has a right to live the way he wants, just as you do. If smoking bothers you, then don't date smokers. You have absolutely NO right to nag when you knew what you were getting to start with.

[Take2]

Yeah, I hate cigarettes, too. My solution should be yours as well. Don't date a smoker. DOn't even go out on one date with a smoker. Don't go out with someone who just quit smoking 3 months ago. Don't go out with someone who smokes "occasionally." Just date guys who do.not.smoke. That is the only solution.

Smokers smoke. Quitting is hard, backsliding is common. If a guy smokes, that tells you that the smell and the health risks are not as big a deal to him as they are to you-so you KNOW right then that you are not compatible.

If for some reason you fall head over heels for a smoker, you have to love them enough to ove them as a smoker. You can't fall in love with a guy and say "I will love you, but only if you will dye your heair black for the rest of your life." Or "I love you, but since you are so short, can you wear lift shoes for me?" It doesn't matter that in the issue of smoking you are "right" due to health and hygeine concerns-you also can't date a guy and tell him "I love you, but you only bathe once a month, you need to bathe daily for me." You have to find a guy you already like just as he is, whose flaws you can accept as part of the guy you love.

[VincenzoG91]

You need to know your dealbreakers and operate accordingly. I don't smoke, and my dad died of lung cancer, so I'm no longer capable of being in a relationship with a smoker. When I was younger, I was tolerant of smoking and even tried it a few times. But now it's a dealbreaker, and I wouldn't have started dating somebody if I knew she was a smoker.

[Boisdevie]

Well said that man

[scroogegirl]

Thanks everyone for the good advice. All, very good advice.

Reason I gave him a shot was because BEFORE I started to have feelings for him, and we were just friends, he had told me he wanted to quit so bad. We became very close very fast, and he suggested I hangout with him all the time so that I could be more of a positive influence to him. Before we started dating, he eventually quit for 4 days. It was awesome... until his best friends came into town and they went to a Phish concert for Halloween. He came back a smoker. I wish I could tell every little detail so you guys could understand the situation better, and why I decided to give him that chance. Especially, too, because I wanted to give myself a chance to see if I could ultimately date a smoker. Towards the end, the only reason why I would "nag" him all the time was because he, himself, wanted to quit SO BAD. Back at his home town (clear across the country) all his friends smoke, so it was always hard for him to quit. I felt this person, whom I love, was worth every bit of support and help... until he started lying to my face about things. During our relationship, I was 100% truthful to him. And just so you all know, it's not that I have commitment issues at all. My first true relationship which started when I was 17 was 5 and a half years. I even went through two deployments with him and remained faithful.

All in all, I definitely learned my lesson. As hard as this is for me, I had to experience this. I always had the mindset of "you can't change someone", I just felt he was very into changing himself since he had come to me for help in the first place. The lying really affected me, as well as him going back down that path. To be brutally honest, if he was just honest with me to begin with and told me he was having trouble again, then I wouldn't have been so mad as I was. All his lying started back a couple months ago when he hung out with his ex (I didn't know they were even talking) behind my back. That issue got resolved quickly because I could care less if someone is friends with their exes (hell, my ex bf I told you guys about became my bf's best friend) it was just his lying to me that made me livid.

Any way, it's his life. I just wish he didn't feed me bullshit. I learned my lesson, and now I must try to move on as hard as it is. Thanks again for the advice.

[Dean Kaplan]

I think you can't change who you are at the core, and if you're the type that can't deal with someone that smokes, that's who you are.

Also, it sounds like you've done all you can do to help him overcome the habit, but until he really wants to quit, you're going to be wasting your time. Nicotene is incredibly addictive... Has he ever said himself that he wanted to quit?

[scroogegirl]

"Has he ever said himself that he wanted to quit?"

A million times. And that was even before we got together. I later backed off trying because he ultimately had to do it for himself. But, little by little, he would slowly cut down how many cigs he'd have a day. Until he finally stopped in August. He was always an honest, up front, talked everything that was on his mind especially if something was bothering him type of person. So I always trusted what he had to say. But everything he had to say about cigarettes and wanting to quit, he would keep going backwards. Like the first time I caught him: "I am disappointed in MYSELF for going back to that path and I'm sorry I lied to you about smoking again. I could see myself becoming addicted again in just a few days. I promise, I'm done." Second time I caught him: "I'm sorry again that I lied... but a few cigs a day doesn't hurt. I'm not going to go back down that path. I swear, this is my last pack." Third time I caught him: "I'm sorry I lied again, but what's the harm of having a few cigs a day??? It's not like I'm smoking how I was before. I enjoy them, and I'm going to continue smoking them socially! But seriously... I'm sorry... I'll try. I want to quit, it's just hard." FOURTH time: "Sorry I LIED AGAIN, but this is my last pack. I'm going to wear the last cigarette as a necklace to show will power. I truly want to quit." And I went out and bought him $50 worth of quitting gum cause he doesn't have the money to do so himself. A couple days later...on our way to the mountains... "Oh, just so you know I'm going to buy another pack of cigs. I'm sorry." On the way back from the mountains, we break up. That same night, he tells my ex boyfriend who is one of his best friends while they were at 7-11 buying alcohol that we broke up. And while they were talking about it, he was buying another pack of cigs.

So, that's the shit hell that I've been going through. The lying really, really got to me... And again, if he were just up front and honest with me, I would have been there more for him. I even told him to not lie to me about this. I told him "How can I be there for someone who just continually lies to me?? It's making me think what else could you possibly be lying to me about?" And that I don't trust him.