Girlfriend`s constant bad mood is holding my life down.

[4dvz]

Hi everyone,

I`ve been living together with my girlfriend for about 1,5 years now. Along our relationship a certain issue has really bothered me in different forms; It feels like she is holding me down from living the life I want to live, not intentionally by any means tough.

Let me give you the background;

I should tell you that we had completely different phases of live going on when we met.
I`ve had a relatively well paid job all the time since we met (I don`t have any assets or savings tough so I rely on my salary completely), and she moved from another city and initially had nothing here, besides she wanted to start studying but it has not happened so far.
For some time I paid all of our expenses, but after doing it for quite a long time I started telling her that she needs to get a job and pay certain amount of our monthly expenses (not too much for her situation tough ofc). She found a job really fast which I was happy about at the time, it was not a dream job but something atleast. This is where everything started going downhill unfortunately.

When we met, she was the most positive and loveliest person I had ever met, like seriously. It felt like she was the most happiest person on earth, and her smile filled up every day I had. Now things are different and she tells me almost every day that she hates her life, and I believe it because she is so depressed with having to do the job she does. (We have tried figuring out if there would be any other job she could do, but she doesn´t really have any working experience and she doesn`t get excited about anything so frankly I don`t know how to help her more than I already have done regarding it).
Also she has no close friends here, so it can also make her feel bored with everything. It feels to me like she sees no future for herself, it`s like she has lost all of her goals and hopes and is just a shadow from her former self. She also says lots of stuff referring to it.
This of course is also affecting my life heavily, because I love her so much. She is also mad at me really often, treats me rudely from time to time and ignores my feelings.

I began this post by writing "she is holding me down from living the life I want to live", I`m going to open that up a bit:

It has happened way and way too many times that I have plans of doing something, but I end up not doing it because she is in a bad mood. The thing is that when I see her in a bad mood I just can`t deal with it in a way that my own good mood would prevail.
I try to make her feel better, I try to talk to her, support her, ask her if she would like to do something fun together, but usually nothing helps and she just tells me to stop trying.
After that I abandon my own plans and spend rest of the evening trying to comfort her. Because of the fact that I have acknowledged this as a big problem sometime ago already, I have tried to ignore her bad mood a few times but I can`t help feeling bad after a few hours of staying out, then heading back home hoping she feels better.
I`m a really outgoing person so I feel quite frustrated about this. Also we can`t really travel abroad or do anything like that, because even tough she has a job now, the pay is so low that I still need to pay most of our leisure costs like travelling, and it`s just too much for me to cover both of us.

I would never blame her, I understand her situation and it`s more like I`m sad for her and sad for myself. The saddest thing is that I`m really at the brink of exploding, this has been going on for too long. I love her deeply, and I want to be with her forever. But I also want to enjoy my life the way I want to, without having to feel bad for her feeling bad.

Anyone had similar experiences? How did you solve the problems? What do you think I should try? All the tips and advice is welcome.

- - - Updated - - -

This thread was accidentally triple-posted btw, if you reply please use this one.

[surfhb]

If you stop trying to please her and start pleasing yourself first, I guaran-fvcking-tee you she will start respecting your thoughts and needs more.

It's sounds bad, but fvck her poor attitude! Go do something for yourself and invite her along if she wants. Tell her she needs to go to school to get a better paying gig. Tell her you're going to get on a workable budget and start saving money. Btw....there's no excuse not to save money when you have a decent paying gig. In other words, stop being a d bag nice guy who cares for the feeling of a sniveling little child (ie: your girlfriend)

This girl needs to be lead by example. Be a man and stop coddling her shit attitude....she'll respect you more in the end

[4dvz]

Thanks for your reply surfbh.

I have tried placing myself first a few times in those situations, when I have left the house despite of her bad mood because I got to the *point where I didn`t care anymore*, and those times I never got a peace of mind for myself during the entire night, and ended up coming back because eventually I felt bad and couldn`t really enjoy myself, as if there was something disturbing me in the background.

"This girl needs to be lead by example" That`s most likely the truth, and even more truth by changing example to direct actions. I have tried leading her by intelligent discussion but she acts like she does not even listen, and never really gets involved in the conversation I`m trying to have. She in fact gets annoyed and pissed off when I start demanding her opinion about something.
That`s my way of handling things tough, thinking them over and over and discussing about what needs to be improved/changed, then proceeding with decisions and being strict with them to actually find out if they work. That`s the way I have always made my own life successful and happy.

Placing myself first is hard when I care about her feelings so much that I can`t enjoy the things (and freedom) I could do with that strategy, which I`m jealous about to those who can. *I can`t turn my back on her unless I temporarily convince myself that she is the wrong woman for me* and it won`t matter what happens later, that`s the way I have always been. That`s basically due to me being unable to get angry at her because I always want understand the other party and perceive anger as failure in general. Then accepting the fact that the situation can`t be improved is another failure in my head.

Your comment was really good and helpful because your perspective made me think about my own approach. She does not really give a f**k about anything I say when she`s in a bad mood.

Maybe I should try something like asking her if she wants to talk about something when she`s in a bad mood, then when she just stays silent or says something negative, I tell her that I`m leaving outside and if she wants to talk she can call me (or join me afterwards, I always welcome her into everything I do btw but she rarely wants to join tough). This way I could try delegating the feeling of making her feel better to herself.

[michelle23]

Well I spent 3 years in college, have 4 years management experience and I took a job in McDonalds 4weeks ago because I was let go in November. I am happy to be contributing to rent and bills again and taking the pressure off my bf.. Its not my ideal job but its a job until I get something better and your gf needs to get over herself. I spent 4 hours sunday cleaning the lobby, it was crazy busy, customers were rude, drunk, spilling drinks everywhere. I wanted to pull my hair out but I didn't take it out on him. I went home, had a shower with him and then took him to bed... monday I spent 9 hours working in a crazy busy kitchen and I came home full of energy and happy. It sure beats sitting at home with no money in my pjs feeling sorry for myself

I get the impression that shes punishing you for "making" her work. Shes a self entitled gold digger who wants whats in your wallet.

[KingZ]

I took a job in McDonalds

America says you're welcome.

[HeartIsAching]

Yep... the economy's so bad here it's ridiculous. I spent a crapload of money on an education in IT 15 years ago, and then the industry fell apart. I haven't worked as an IT professional since 2010. Last year I took a job stocking shelves in a store, just because it's a friggin' job.

I hate it, but it's a job.

[KingZ]

Just curious, when you say "IT"—could you be more specific?

[HeartIsAching]

Network Administration.

[Wakeup]

OP: She's sounds clinically depressed. You can't fix her but you can encourage her to get herself to the doctors to discuss HER situation with someone who is unbiased (you are not).

Everyone in this thread has assumed that she just has an attitude problem. Well she may have one but by your description of her lack of motivation about EVERYTHING I'd say it's something else as well.

If she won't go to the doctor or to councelling to talk to someone whom she can trust and get proper meds (if needed) then you have a decision to make as to whether or not she is going to make a good LIFEmate as she is. Don't be codependent and stick around trying to fix her while bitching about it when you can't succeed.

Further: She needs to know that you don't like her when she is in this state and it's not something you're going to tolerate until you die. I suspect you coddle her too much which just enables her to continue on being intolerable.

This girl needs to be lead by example. Be a man and stop coddling her shit attitude....she'll respect you more in the end

This probably sounds totally counter-intuitive to you but you need to adapt that mind set. It doesn't mean you become aN unfeeling asshole. It just means you stop enabling her to be who she is by accommodating her shit ad-nauseam to the point where your own life is now suffering. You need to set personal boundaries and not feel guilty about keeping to them.

[4dvz]

Thank you for your comments.

Michelle23: "I get the impression that shes punishing you for "making" her work. Shes a self entitled gold digger who wants whats in your wallet."
I don`t think shes a gold digger, but I do agree with you that she is punishing me for having to work and contribute to our economy, because the way she feels it must be something like "I moved in here because of you, and now look at me, are you happy? I could live with my parents for free=I`m doing this for you." So actually she is making herself a victim, and feels sorry for herself.
Her mind is just too young to understand life and certain things like what it means to be independent and take care of yourself, and what financial responsibilities you have in a normal relationship, and in fact the current amount of money she needs to contribute is way less than what it would be in a normal relationship where costs are budgeted and shared.

Wakeup: You are correct about what you said about it not being an attitude problem, but I don`t think she is really depressed in a way what you mean. In what I wrote above to Michelle it propably is described the best, which can be further analyzed. Actually writing this text is helping me pinpointing the causes of her bad mood more accurately, even tough any of this was separately not new information for me.

So at the moment my best break-down is that she is:
- Seeing herself as a victim
- Disappointed to what life after her moving in here eventually turned out to be
- No realistic tangible goals/career paths in life
- Seeing our past more happier than present time, because everything was too easy for her in the beginning and she might had gotten used to it. (No responsibilities, no work, time for everything)
- Might not perceive this life as her own and thinks she`s kind of working for me. (I use the word might, because this is only a deduction based on her anger towards me, without any evidence to support it really)

These are only analyzations of mine, but I believe most of them to be correct.

[Yanky]

Hold on a minute, you're blaming her for moving somewhere to be with you? Are you making any future plans that will benefit her? Would you put her future ahead of yours, as she has done for you?

Tbh, her behavior patterns seem totally normal for a woman who is living somewhere that is different to her norm, and maybe she's just going through a flat phase. I don't think that she's playing the victim role, not at all. I think that you're blaming her for feeling uneasy about the possibility of you acting as though your set up is of more importance than hers.

Sorry, but that's just the way I see it.

[4dvz]

Yanky thank your for a perspective that`s new to me.

First of all tough "you're blaming her for moving somewhere to be with you?" - You must have misunderstood something I wrote. I said it feels like she blames me for the current setup, and she moved in here to be with me and now she is not happy with her life. I`m not blaming her for anything, but her situation is affecting me as I described in my original post. I only want to understand her, and find solutions that will help us both, because something needs to be done.

I haven`t really tought about this in a perspective you brought up: "I think that you're blaming her for feeling uneasy about the possibility of you acting as though your set up is of more importance than hers."
I don`t think my setup is more important than hers, but I understand that it might easily look like it if you want to look at it from that angle. I would love to see this as our setup, not mine or hers. But as it always is in conflicts, there are two sides who are both correct and wrong at the same time, nobody intents to treat the other one unfair. I have not said a word to her, nor acted in a way which in my opinion could be interpreted as blaming, because it`s not my goal to blame her at all.

Then again because you, having said that, might be able to think about this from that perspective, what would you have me do? How should I approach her and what should I focus on?

[Wakeup]

Tbh, her behavior patterns seem totally normal for a woman who is living somewhere that is different to her norm,

No they are not and don't lump ALL woman to be reacting the way she is. The way she is acting is NOT normal.

and maybe she's just going through a flat phase.

Yes its called depression. (most likely)

I don't think that she's playing the victim role, not at all. I think that you're blaming her for feeling uneasy about the possibility of you acting as though your set up is of more importance than hers.

You must have very long arms because that's quite the reach.

@ OP:

So at the moment my best break-down is that she is:
- Seeing herself as a victim
- Disappointed to what life after her moving in here eventually turned out to be
- No realistic tangible goals/career paths in life
- Seeing our past more happier than present time, because everything was too easy for her in the beginning and she might had gotten used to it. (No responsibilities, no work, time for everything)
- Might not perceive this life as her own and thinks she`s kind of working for me. (I use the word might, because this is only a deduction based on her anger towards me, without any evidence to support it really)

Have you actually talked to her about what YOU think SHE is thinking/going through? If you think that all of those things are what's up her ass then you need to address her and work together for solutions. We, not really knowing her or what is going on in her mind are only guessing for you.

Talk to her and then come back and tell us what she's said... then we can discuss solutions based on what she's ACTUALLY going through not what you guess she's going through.

[TheEvilJester]

I can't necessarily respond to this in a way which is unbiased. This is because it basically sounds like you are describing my ex-wife. Had you two ever talked about what she wanted to do with her life/for a career before you moved in together? Maybe she never wanted to work at all. Whereas I may not personally agree with that, it is fine if it is something you two discussed and decided was what you both wanted.

However, I can use my case as an extreme example for you. When my ex-wife and I were first dating, she was nearing the end of high school and I was in college. Without me even asking, she would INSIST that she was going to college. She wanted to take a semester or a year off just to get a breather and then go back. She would actually get into heated and explosive fights with her parents because they would say if she took a year off she'd never wind up going back at all. She would actually get very upset and get into heated arguments with them about it, insisting she absolutely would go back.

So, after a while, suddenly it turns into "Oh, I was never going back." And somehow I was just expected to know that. I was expected to believe a normal human being (which I have since learned she is NOT) would get into such a heated argument defending a complete lie. If that wasn't what she wanted, that is perfectly fine. Maybe it would mean we weren't a match for each other, but it would have been better to realize that before we got married. She was NEVER honest about what she wanted with me right from day one.

I had always been 100% clear in what I wanted out of life. She slowly revealed the truth about herself over time. It wasn't even just in this particular situation, but I could write a novel about the rest of the stuff (and folks who know me on this board know I mean that by now, LOL), so I will stick to this topic. It would degrade little by little as she was a little bit more honest until the point where she decided she did not want to work at all. Now, nevermind that I was 100% honest about where I saw my life and our life going. She pretended to be in line with that only to wait until we were married to slowly reveal the truth. Had I known the truth ahead of time, I could have fairly thought about it and decided if I felt I could make that work, or if it meant we just weren't a match.

Doesn't help that my ex-wife is about the most selfish person in the world. So, I was expected to just roll over and accept all that, and was treated like garbage for having my own feelings. Anyway, I'll avoid letting my giant novel of a response get any longer. Moral of that story, this girl sounds a lot like my ex-wife. If she is, I would recommend you break it off now. She will not change and she will only treat you more and more like crap simply for being a human being who wants to build a future with somebody.

Again though, that said, I don't think I am necessarily the best person to give advice in this situation. Hits a little too close to home.

[4dvz]

Thank you guys again for posting.

Wakeup: She has never agreed to talk about her true feelings, nor engaged in deep discussions about our relationship. I have tried countless number of times, and I have learned to just talk to her and always at the end of subject just ask her to tell me whether what I just said was correct or incorrect in her opinion. That works out somewhat to get the idea where she stands at, but she still wont tell me what she really thinks about. I have tried being very considerate towards her about this, respecting her own space since it`s important to her, but I have also told her that it hurts my feelings to see her never opening up to me.

She says that she does not want to talk about her feelings, she won`t cry infront of me either. When she is really hurt and angry about something she goes to bathroom, locks herself in and cries there. I have also talked about this and told her that it`s ok to show her feelings infront of me, and I would only be happy if she did so. Just to make sure I don`t give the wrong impression about her, she can also be a very happy and smileful person but just can`t communicate about heavy/serious feelings.
By the way yesterday after writing my previous post I told her my toughts about her state of mind and asked if I was correct, she said that i was "partially correct" but refused to give details.

TheEvilJester:
Thanks for sharing your experience. She told me about what she wants to do with her life when we met, she wanted to become a musician. She has also told me about lot of things she wants, like own house etc. She still wants to become musician, but she has not done anything to make it real, except dreaming about it. If she would like to go for it I would support her 100% as long as she manages her responsibilities.
Your case sounds similar in many levels. However I don`t see it as my right to tell her that she needs to study, have a normal job or just pick any job she can get, if she would like to stay at home full day then it`s her right to do so, but her right is not to expect me to pay for her living. I only care she participates in our finances even for a bit, like 25% of living costs as she currently does. Where she gets the money from is none of my business. I accept her the way she is. But then in the other hand as you felt too, the line must be drawn somewhere in order to have a common future where both are happy. Where the line is drawn is up to the persons drawing it. Anyways you must have been in similar situation, you met someone who was different from yourself and who did hide her true feelings about the future, letting you down in the end.