getting mixed signals over a breakup, so i'm confused

[sickstunna78]

Me and my gf were dating for 2 years and we spent every night and day together. She slept over at my house as i did at her house. Then just 5 days ago, she says we should break up b/c she felt as if i was insecur and didn't trust her and that this relationship wasn't going anywhere. She said she is still in love with me and that she still misses me and is happy with me, but can't stay with me.

the reasons for my insecurities are unsure, she has never cheated on me, nor has she ever lied to me, i dont think. Its something i'm trying to work on, but why is she not willing to help?

So we break up, but she calls me everyday as if nothing has happened. She says she misses me, and wants me to come over still. She says that talking to me puts a smile on her face and that when shes not with me, she feels very upset. Then she asks for us to go out to places and get dinner and a movie. What confuses me is when she holds my hand and still kisses me when we occasinally do things. She also doesn't want me to tell anyone that we broke up, nor has she told any of her family members or some of her close friends. Her bday is coming up soon, and i was suppose to get her a ring, and she was asking if i'm still willing to get her a couples ring.

I told her i'm willing to try to be friends, but why does she give me mixed signals? I asked her if she sees us getting back together, and she says she is uncertain. But why would she tell me she misses me, wants me, and waants to spend time with me, but can't stay with me?

is this what girls do when they are confused on what they want? she is 25 years old, and i figured she would have experienced enough to know. i'm 27 by the way. I want to work things out with her, but dont want to be strung along if she is not willing to get back together. She rarely opens up and doesn't express her feelings. which only makes it worse. I need some kind of closure to move on, and feel as if i haven't received it.

This feeling of uncertainty of if we are going to get back together or if we are going to work things out is very tough. I feel if i have closure i could move on, but at this point i dont.



Any advice, opinions, or comments are much appreciated.

thanks
sung

[sine24]

just ask her straight up "what exactly are we doing here?". you don't deserve this type of treatment..she needs to make up her mind..and stop stringing you along like you're a toy. there's a difference between breaking up and being friends..and breaking up but still acting like you're a couple. i'd give her one more chance to make a proper decision. don't settle as her toy boy who she can just call up and hang out with when she's got nothing to do. you don't deserve that at all. you need a relationship where both parties are equally as committed and love each other. she's clearly just using you cos..let her know what she's missing out on.

[sickstunna78]

ok, so i discuss with her last night how i'm feeling and that i can't keep on just hanging out with her as a friend. that we can't hang out and cuddle and kiss and etc. told her that its not what people who break up do. so i asked her what it is were doing. are we working on getting back together or are you just stringing me along. she says that she loves me so much and that she would never do that. says that shes confused and that when she sees me, she wants to be with me, but when were not together, she just thinks about us. she says whats keeping her from being with me is that i'm insecur and i dont trust her. shes worried that i wont change and that i'll always be this way. so why try in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me.

I dont understand why she keeps telling me i dont trust her. we have some mutual friends, or aquaintances, and i hear stuff from people so i will ask her about it. then she blames me and saying that why would i trust them over her. i know its the past, but it gets to me when i hear stuff from others about her past and who shes dated. I tell her i do trust her, and its only cause i love her so much. I've been hurt before in a relationship and she knows that. But what i dont get is why she would want to just give up on us, and not work it out. at least help me learn to trust her in this situation and stay together. why would she want to be as miserable and confused as she is. when i saw her last, she looked miserable. she said she had no sleep in 3 days, can't eat, and always thinks about us and feels so depressed without having me around.

I asked her last night too if she sees us getting back together. She says she doesn't know. said she can't give a yes or no. she says that she feels as if i'm not gonna change.

But i know in my heart that we are gonna work things out. I feel as if when we hang out, that its a step to working things out.

has anyone else been in my shoes?
just so lost and hurt at this point

thanks for listening

[Zenmarke]

Hmm my Bestfriend have the same situation.. Maybe theres a time that you've done something, that lost her trust in you.. For me the one who started to break up is the one that really lack in confidence.. It wouldnt end in breaking up if the 2 of love each other.. Remember that love's not enough to make a relationsip work.. You need TRUST,RESPECT, TIME, EFFORT AND TOTAL COMMITMENT WITH EACH OTHER!!! Try to be different the way you are as now.. Maybe she wanted more of your love ^_~.. Hope it helps..

[vashti]

the reasons for my insecurities are unsure, she has never cheated on me, nor has she ever lied to me, i dont think. Its something i'm trying to work on, but why is she not willing to help?

She isn't a therapist; she can't help you with this, nor should she have to tolerate it. If you need professional help, then get some.

In the meantime, you need some clarification of what your relationship is right now. Is she dating anyone else, or planning to? If so, you need to cut things off because you are on your way out, and continuing this psuedo-relationship will only cause your more pain.

However, it may be that she is simply doing this to try to motivate you to get your shit together, so again I say: if you need professional help, get some.

[sickstunna78]

thank you so much for your time to leave comments, it really helps and makes me understand different approaches.

I know that our love is definately there...its not going anywhere. just yesterday she sent me an email stating that she loves me more now in this state then she did before. I know that in the end, if we truly love each other and meant to be together, things will work themselves out. Just hard to get over now not having her next to me , or calling and hearing her voice like before. It rips me inside to picture myself not with her and to know that shes feeling the same.

zenmarke- thanks for the advice, i know that i need to work on the trust, respect, and commitment with her. I took her for granted and i realized that to late. I now know looking back that i truly didn't put in the effort that she did into this relationship. its hard to live with the fact that i need to learn from mistakes which are my own.

vashti- great pointer, I guess i'm relying on her to much to help me with my trust issues. past relationships are past relationships and i shouldn't think about them. clarification is what she can't give me. I know for certain shes not dating or talking to anyone else. She told me that if we dont work, she doesn't want to date or see anyone. Like for tonight, she said she just wants to stay home and relax and think things through alone, which isn't like her. she's a people person. and yes i do feel as if she is doing this to help build this relationship stronger in some ways. yes i feel as if she is motivating me in some ways as well.

I know i need to give her space and time, but not sure with how to cope with it. tried to watch movies, go out with friends, and keep busy. but I can't help but love her and think of her and feel for her.

usually in the past relationships i've been in, i've never been so depressed and emotional. I always just went out and found rebounds and moved on. but in this case, i dont even want to go out, nor look for anyone. I dont see myself without her....

[Zenmarke]

usually in the past relationships i've been in, i've never been so depressed and emotional. I always just went out and found rebounds and moved on. but in this case, i dont even want to go out, nor look for anyone. I dont see myself without her....

ahhh theres a bad spot!! "rebounds" dont ever, ever do that again.. and dont be depressed and emote to much.. Those can lead to physical and mental illnesses.. Keep in touch with her(phone call,texting and etc.).. But not too much.. those can help you ease a little bit..

[ABnegativ]

Wow all of this literally sounds almost exactly like what I'm going through right now.

I don't know much about how to help it, but I thought it might make you feel better to know that you're not the only one.

I'm going to my old therapist next week. Haven't seen her in years. I know I need professional help. It should help going into it with at least half an idea of why I'm doing what I do.

I read up on it online and it has just about everything to do with my self-esteem. Nothing to do with her. Everything to do with the fact that I was almost constantly "waiting for it all to end." because I assumed it has to. Now it has and I'm a mess. I've never felt like this for anyone.

So I don't know if that has anything to do with you, but you should definitely think about it being a self-esteem issue. If you can pinpoint it it'll only make it easier.

*edit* check this page out. *nevermind, didn't know about the no links until 15 posts rule. I guess I'll PM it to you. I've got no interest in spamming a site*

i easily fit into the "I-expect-things-to-go-bad-&-I-seem-to-make-them-go-bad
trust issues " section. It felt like I was reading about myself. The only thing this site will help you with though is pinpointing it. It's aimed around using hypnosis to fix the problem. Which (a) I'm not sure I'm sold on, and (b) even if it did work I'd assume it only works while you're IN the relationship.

*final edit* I can't PM until 15 posts either. awesome. I guess I'll send you that link some other time

it helped me though *shrug*

[Gigabitch]

Another point of view: if my boyfriend broke up with me, it might cause some trust issues.

Tell her you'll go for relationship counseling with her. You're both taking part in all of this, it isn't a case of a perfect girl dating a terribly flawed guy. I mean, look at the "breakup" she has orchestrated. That's pretty weird, right?

I'd be willing to be she actually gets a lot of mileage out of your insecurities.

[CrunchyRoll]

I don't know about trying to make this work now. It is obvious she wants to break up. Maybe she wants to move on and doesn't want to really hurt you by telling you straight up that she doesn't want to see you at all anymore.
Why would you want to make it work with someone that already has shown signs that she doesn't feel the same or as strong about the relationship as you.. I know it suckss, but it happens. Good Luck!

[sickstunna78]

thanks for the help guys/gals.

well i talked to her again today, and i'm sure shes not ready to move on. I know shes hurting just, if not more than i am.

I finally think i got the conclusion that its my trust issues pushing her away. I've had shitty relationships in the past, and that has alot to do with it, i'm sure.

She told me today that me not trusting her after 2 years hurts so much. that i questions where shes at, who shes with, which i dont think i do, but i guess i do.
Now how do i get over the trust issue? i told her today about my past bad experiences with cheaters and what not. she said it makes alot of sense. She then told me that she needs a week to think things through. she said that by the end of next week 11-16, shes willing to tell me a yes or no about our relationship. So no seeing each other, and if we do decide to talk, keep it to emails. I know its going to be one of the most difficult weeks of my life, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Just gotta keep busy, busy, busy, busy.

to the previous post about why you would want someone back, because i know deep in my heart i love her and she loves me, I know that she wants to be with me too...i get that feeling when i talk to her and see her. I now understand that whats holding her back is if i'm going to change my trust towards her. Finally realized that after what seemed like years. That its my willingness and ability to trust her fully.

I had the thoughts of just moving on and not getting back together as well. But my heart tells me, i want her. i've been through breakups before, which were much less confusing then this one, and i didn't ever want to get back together. I had no problems dating other people after a week and talking to others. But with this break up, i just feel as if my heart was empty. So thats what i'm feeling and thats why i know shes the one for me.

i hope this helps others who may experience the same thing. relationships are always heartaches and headaches. it helps to talk to others, and express your feelings and get opinions and advice in return.

I will definately keep checking and replying to this post, not only to help myself, but others who go through the same thing.

thanks everyone

[vashti]

I don't know how you fix trust issues, but one thing I can tell you is that you don't HAVE to grill her about her past or what she is doing with whom, etc.. Jealousy is a normal feeling, but you don't have to act on it. The bottom line is this: is she trustworthy? If she is, bite your tongue and don't say anything about your insecurity. It will get easier with practice.

[bak2885]

I wanted you to know that I feel your pain, but instead of a few days, it has been over six weeks since my break up. Only he gives me more hope. He talks about marriage now (brought it up three times since the break up), he tells me that he has no doubt about us getting back together and that he needs to figure things out. I understand that it is worth all the pain you feel, just to get that kiss, just to hold her hand, hear her say I love you, and yeah it may end up where you are going to end up way more hurt than if you just let it go at the beginning, but there will always be that "What if I stuck around, would we have got back together", and if you are honestly so in love with her, that is something you will never forgive yourself for not knowing, its still too early for you to let go feeling like there is no chance.
You'll know when you should let go, I don't know how, but you know. As for your insecurities, if you know she is not the type to string you along, why don't you know is she is the type to cheat or do you wrong? Know that you are trying to fix your "problem" for the love that fulfills you like no other, let that give you that extra support you need to try and change. Hope this helps, you are not alone in this sitaution.

[sickstunna78]

jealousy is hard to deal with...and its even harder to just bite your tongue...i've been reading alot about it, and basically what i concluded was that, she decided to be with me....even though she has alot of males friends, she wanted to be with me and picked me.


bak2885, your right on the money.
getting that kiss, and holding hands, and talking to her, never felt better than it does now. Friends keep telling me that this situation i'm in only makes it harder on me and that i should just end it and not have to wait. But i keep getting the thought of "What if I stuck around, would we have got back together"...not willing to let go and not try for someone i love so much.

just reading up alot about trusting your partner and insecurities issues and where they arise from. reading helps alot!

[bak2885]

I feel better because I know that there is someone who can relate. I post my "story" on a lot of websites because I want someone to tell me that it's going to be okay, that he will come back, that I am not stupid for holding on so long (7 weeks tomorrow). I want so badly to get that positive influence, and it's like the negative people don't help because they tell you to move on, and you already have the mind set that no one will change your mind, that you are going to hold on until the other person tells you not to, that there is no hope. I look at the situation like I am holding on for the chance to be with the greatest love I will ever know, and that is something that is impossible to just "move on" from, no matter how many people tell you to. You keep thinking that if they were in this EXACT sitaution, they would hold on, too, and that they really don't know what it is like for you. If it does end up that he is just "stringing me along", then he really is a bad person and that would make me HATE him, therefore, I think that it would be easier to let go. the process of trying to figure this out really does suck because you don't know what is going to happen, you don't know if it is all going to be worth it, you don't know what to do to make it better (and those are all the answers you need right now and no one is willing to give them to you).
My point is don't give up. I am glad that I get to be positive for someone going through the same thing, it's almost like I get to help myself, just in a different point of view. I believe that a break up is a chance to really try to make your relationship better in all the areas it wasn't strong in before (like me and my ex's communication skills are getting better). Think about how your ex-gf treated her ex bfs, before you, after a break up (if you seen or heard of any of them). Did she still talk to them after just a few days after the break up? Did she still kiss them and hold their hands? Granted every relationship (and break up) is different, but this may help you in the way that if she didn't do all those things, then why is she doing them with you if there is not a good chance, and if so, how did they end (when they actually FINALLY ended). Just something to think about. Good luck and best wishes.