To let yourself be Used for the sake of Love...

[Indus18]

I'm going to do my best to abridge here, though it's not my finest quality, I will say that much. (You will see what I'm talking about...I have a bit of trouble distinguishing which details are most relevant so I include them all)

Basically, starting my freshman year in high school, I was the top student in my class. I was several years ahead in Mathematics, taking AP calculus, and taking all the hardest classes the school had to offer. I was very involved in extracurriculars, and through first semester of my sophomore year, I maintained this leadership role. (lead in school play, etc.) After that, (I was a late bloomer) puberty hit, and I started to develop some hereditary health problems. They worsened and worsened to the point that my attendance was so low, I had to drop most classes, be registered as a student with a disability, and I was removed from most of my extracurriculars. My self esteem dropped from such an immense height to such a low place, that life felt helpless.

I met a girl after this time (my Junior year), as my life as I knew it, and all the criteria over which I valued myself fell to pieces. The girl was absolutely beautiful, very motivated, but shy and awkward and quiet. At the insistence of mutual parties, I began talking to her, and opening her up, and before I knew it, she was talking to me every free minute she had. She was two years younger me, and the closer we became, the more I saw her as a sister. However, I did not realize that she saw me as something significantly more, and during a trip wherein we had to spend 4 days together, she started making moves. I was confused and uncomfortable at first, but eventually I realized that I liked her as well.

We started dating then, and as she had a bad homelife, but desperately wanted to succeed, I began to help her with her schoolwork. She was already in the hardest classes due to her desire to be impressive, but she was struggling to a degree, and her destructive father was making it more difficult. At first she asked me for mild editing, or brief help, and I gladly obliged. Around this time, I was still struggling to be in the classes in which I belonged. But due to my shaky attendance record, teachers of classes like AP english told me I woudln't be able to keep up. I protested, cried out "discrimination," etc, but the faculty banded together and essentially made my difficult situation worse. Because of this, when my girl began asking me to write entire AP english papers for her, my desire to prove myself overran my common sense, and every time she would receive her consistently 97% or higher papers, I would feel proud. I did entire take-home AP calculus tests for her, and helped her with any work I could. Meanwhile, I was falling further and further behind in my classes and amassing tremendous amounts of Incompletes. (They coudln't fail me since I was now registered as a disabled student)

By the time my class graduated, I had 12 incompletes, largely due to the health problems combined with resulting depression. When my girlfriend reached her senior year, she began making me write her National Merit speeches for her, college essays for her, and though I may have felt bitter while doing it, as soon as I got the "I love you so much! you're so great! You saved my life!" etc, from her, it all melted away. When I coudln't meet a deadline she had due to unexpected health problems or other complications, she would get really upset, and I'd sometimes find myself staying awake til 6 AM doing her work just to calm her down, so she would tell me she loved me again.

She had a college admissions adviser because her parents are fairly wealthy, and when her essays woudl be critiqued she would get comments like "i'm not feeling your emotion in this. It doesn't really tell me about you." I took a trip all the way to New York where she was meeting her adviser, and privately rewrote her essay for 6 hours until the next day in the next meeting, the adviser said "wow, this is so much more introspective! I'm impressed." The irony, of course, is that introspection comes from a self-evaluation, whereas her essays were written by her far-more-eloquent boyfriend, from her perspective, and thus, in actuality, were the antithesis of "introspective."

She received admission into Stanford later that year. Since we're from the midwest, that equates to about a 2000 mile distance. She promised me she loved me and would never leave me. Promised that she realized the sacrifices I made for her, and would never forget them. Promised that the allure of a non-restrictive lifestyle would not lead to any disrespect of me. 2 years after I should have graduated, I finished my incompletes. I had enough credit to advance a couple semesters in college, but I'm still very behind and attending a state school.

I had been buying her expensive gifts, assembling thoughtful care packages for her, telling her I loved her and I would be there for her if she needed me. I visited her once, and the trip was amazing. However, I had become a little clingy, and a little possessive due to an incident one year prior where she broke up with me due to a crush on another guy, and realized her mistake within a few days and begged for forgiveness. But it left a scar. I was working on building my trust again, when all of a sudden she told me that we fight too much (we had been fighting a lot because she would go out, get completely drunk, and then not call me til late at night the next night, so I would often wonder what happened and would be afraid both for her, and for my relationship. We would also fight because I would listen thoughtfully to her trivial problems, and yet she would tell me that my problems with depression and more were too much for her to handle. She was never there for me.) and that she was breaking up with me. She took it back 3 weeks later and told me I was the only one for her and she had been taking me for granted, and that she would work to make my semester at least a fraction as amazing as I had made the last 3 to 4 years of her life. 2 weeks later she retracted this, 2 days later she was grinding with other guys on the dance floor, telling me she didn't' love me anymore, and telling me it's over. She is already pursuing someone else. Here I am, and yet, with all the brains I have, I was unable to see this coming.

I will be graduating late, and I will be fighting an uphill battle to gain positions that would come easy for Stanford grads. She was a very motivated student, but she would never be at Stanford had it not been for me. Everything she promised me was a lie, and I was used for 4 years straight at the expense of my own progress. I thought it was worth it because we would be there for each other forever; that her success meant my success and that was what was important. I was wrong. Why did I do all of this? Once again, She's beautiful, she was with me when it seemed I had nothing going for me, her problems distracted me from my own, and I wanted to live vicariously through her successes since I hadnt' achieved my own. I'm heartbroken, and I cry every day over someone who never really gave me anything. I cry that I was so naive and idealistic. And I cry that the girl to whom I gave a personality, gave a better life, never gave a damn about me in return. I'm telling this story because I know people often fall into these sort of traps, and I'm hoping this can help someone else realize they're in a destructive, uneven, and unhealthy position. Thanks for listening (if any of you did.)

[LostNotFound]

i listened (well read) but ye some people are jerks and i thougth i had it bad. sorry you're going through a rough time. but hopefully you will meet someone who values you for yoiu and not what you can do for them. you are obviously talented, so don't give up. i cry to and so far all its done i give me sore eyes.

[vashti]

Sorry, but I think you overestimate the good things you "gave" her and underestimate what she gave you. (Personality, a better life? Please.)

You helped her cheat her way into Stanford and STOLE that spot from someone more deserving. Shame on you.

You say she did nothing in return, but then you write "she was with me when it seemed I had nothing going for me, her problems distracted me from my own, and I wanted to live vicariously through her successes since I hadnt' achieved my own". That IS what she gave you, and you valued it enough to help her cheat her way into a very elite school.

I don't know what medical condition you have that prevents you from achieving your own success while ensuring others can get into elite schools, but I have to wonder how debilitated you really are if you can pull this off.

[Psycam]

So she had to have been pretty smart if her standardized test scores, etc. still gave her entrance into Stanford... which makes me wonder why she used you like that if she was capable of doing the work herself.

[Junket]

Obviously, it's not really love.

[michaelmorgan]

Sorry for your experience.
Learn from it the right lessons.
Take back your professional life. Your love life too

[The Great OV!!!]

Obviously, it's not really love.

Fras. please tell me you didn't read all that? I read your comment expecting something like "Next time, don't make it a book.".

[Junket]

Fras. please tell me you didn't read all that? I read your comment expecting something like "Next time, don't make it a book.".

Nah, I just read the title.

Like I'm gonna waste my time reading all that nonsense??

[Indus18]

I don't know about "nonsense" but yeah, maybe a little youthful naivete manifesting into some serious rambling.

As for Vashti's comment about stealing the spot from someone more deserving, yes, I have thought about htat, and do feel bad about it, but there are lots of not-so-bright people at great schools. Some are very rich legacy kids, some are children of high quality of life that just happen to be of latin or african american background so they can get in with lower scores, (what I am implying by that is that affirmative action should be based on socioeconomic standing rather than simply race) and some, as in her case, find people to use to get to the top. I still hardly see how being w/ someone simply because they help you cheat and then dumping them after they don't need you anymore seems like an even trade, and even she admits that she learned from me how to be less shy and more outgoing, so if the power trip helped you, Vashti, I'm glad, but I think anyone with a little empathy and perspective can see that there was a strong imbalance here, and my own vulnerability and emotional problems were being taken advantage of.

As far as my medical condition, on both my mother's and father's side we have family members with severe headaches. Some have been diagnosed with cluster headaches (widely acknowledged as the worst and most debilitating kinds of headaches) and others with chronic refractory migraines. Of the 11 or so neurologists I've seen, the diagnosis I've gotten most is "both" which I didn't even know was possible. My brain is quite healthy but my attendance was hindered severely. I hope this explanation suits you. Thanks to those who read and listened. I appreciate the comments.

[Indus18]

And let's be honest people, even if it was long, it was a pretty fast read...

[Gigabitch]

Actually, I think you win for best/ longest. You also automatically gain entrance into the LF Lovelorn Club (and you thought she never gave you anything- ha!)

Chin up, you sulker. You're leading a charmed life, if a cursed one as well. Yes, a woman manipulated you. So what? Are you in jail? Did you hurt anyone? Have you done anything truly evil?

What did she really take from you? She took time and energy that you clearly wanted to give.

Someday, something good will happen to you that could never have happened if you hadn't been involved with her this way and you'll come to understand that every apparent wrong turn you took was actually the right one.

[TDurden]

Actually, I think you win for best/ longest. You also automatically gain entrance into the LF Lovelorn Club (and you thought she never gave you anything- ha!)

Chin up, you sulker. You're leading a charmed life, if a cursed one as well. Yes, a woman manipulated you. So what? Are you in jail? Did you hurt anyone? Have you done anything truly evil?

What did she really take from you? She took time and energy that you clearly wanted to give.

Someday, something good will happen to you that could never have happened if you hadn't been involved with her this way and you'll come to understand that every apparent wrong turn you took was actually the right one.

The fact that I can't give you rep for that is beyond frustrating

[Gigabitch]

Who needs rep? Vashti just handed me a vodka tonic and I'm baking cookies. I am one self-satisfied bitch.

[Indus18]

I would just like to officially revoke any comments I made that might indicate that I think I'm intelligent.

I cut her out of my life after a very dramatic final showdown 3 weeks ago.

I randomly stopped talking to her because the pain of hearing things (not flaunted in my face but due to my own asking...I was a glutton for punishment) like her spending the night in someone else's room (she claims nothing happened...even though I know this is no longer any of my business, so I shouldn't have asked in the first place) hurt me too much. After I stopped calling because I realized my behavior was unhealthy, she didn't call me because she was so used to me calling, but considering we talked at least an hour a day until the break-up, I guess it became difficult, and she started calling me. I knew it would not be in my best interest to pick up, even though I still think about her all the time. She called about once a day for 2 weeks, and every voicemail and e-mail she sent me I deleted without reading.

This past saturday, distributed about evenly between the morning and night, she called me about 30 times. I still didn't pick up. Sunday for the first time in 2 weeks she dind't call. Monday she did not as well. Today she dind't either, and I heard through a mutual friend (once again due to my own asking) she had a date for valentine's day. I did not want to be forgotten about, ad maybe I got some joy out of the attention and hitting "ignore" when she called, and I miss it now... Still, even though I will have no reasonable explanation for her when seh calls tomorrow, nor do I have an abundance of wealth (i am but a poor student), for some reason this one bit of news spurred me to order her 2 dozen red roses in a ruby vase for Valentine's day. Any ideas as to what I should say to her (if I should talk to her) to make the best of a stupid, rash decision on my part? If you'd like to take this useless post as an opportunity to berate me instead, believe me, I understand...

[TheSphinx]

Poor form in randomly stopping all communication. She very well could have been genuinely concerned for your well being, though her previous actions might have alluded to otherwise.

Either way, what's done is done. Why send her flowers and jerk her chain? You certainly didn't seem to enjoy when you received mixed signals in your first post.

I know she has been quite an investment on your part, but sometimes you have got to realize when to cut your losses and move on.

If you are writing entry qualifying essays for Stanford, you've got talent and potential. Look at how much you accomplished in your freshman year alone. It's time you stop living for this girl and reclaim your life. Start living for yourself again!