1 1/2 Years Later, I Haven't Forgiven/Gotten Over Cheating Ex Girlfriend: I'm Broken

[waynechriss]

Over a year and a half ago I dated my first girlfriend of almost two years. We had some amazing moments but the relationship itself really destroyed me. She was insecure so she never believed that I thought she was beautiful, loved and in turn made me insecure, self abusive, just a wreck because I was naive and stupid. She cheated on me because she said he made her feel beautiful and stuff. She thought i didn't care bout her even though I turned down a huge university offer in favor of staying in town to be with her.

I'm so angry and frustrated I haven't been able to forgive her because I don't know how to forgive her. I cut all contact from her but not a single day goes by in which she is not infesting my mind. Two days ago I went to the movies with friends and i saw her holding hands with the man she cheated on me with and all we did was look at each other as we passed by. i went home right then and there and broke down crying, ripping my hair out in frustration because my heart ached so much. I've been abusing marijuana and pain killers because being intoxicated in the effects is the ONLY time I forget about her. I've tried dating other people but the relationships go nowhere and I end up being angry because she is happy and i'm not. She ripped everything from me in the relationship we had and is now with someone else, taking everything i gave her for granted.

I'm afraid of going out often because we live in the same town. I avoid parties with related friends because i don't want to see her, I block all related friends of ours so I don't see anything related to her. I am actually scared of working at my job because I don't want to see her walking in.

I can't suppress the feelings, I can't forget. I need to forgive her and forgive myself but I don't know how. I've tried to keep myself occupied over the past year and a half but she doesn't go away in my head. What can I do? Btw I'm 20 years old if that's relevant information.

[Mathias]

Have you tried counseling at all?

The most important thing for you to come to grips with is that her cheating had NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with her. It's not a reflection on you whatsoever.

[Kyeema]

We do many stupid things out of love and when the one we did it for leaves us, it hurts so incredibly because we not only have to mourn the loss of our loved one but also all the things we gave up for them and sometimes even the loss of ourselves. You were so young when you met her how should you have known better? You did what you thought was right in that moment and you did it out of love. You did the best you could. And you got taught a very hard lesson. Love doesn't always last and you can't make anybody else happy. There was no way you could have made her insecurities go away by loving her and telling her how beautiful she was. She needs to love herself in order to do that. And so do you.

Start focusing on yourself, find a therapist or a group who can help you let go of your self-directed anger and who help you to forgive yourself. If you could have done any better, you'd have done it! And look at it this way: no matter how painful this is now, you learned this hard lesson early in life. You are just about to start your own life. She may have ripped everything from you in the relationship you had, but don't allow her to still do that by punishing yourself! Everything lies still ahead of you, the world is waiting for you, even if you can't feel it at the moment! Allow yourself to go for it!

You are and will always the most important person in your life and the only one that can't possibly leave you... so treat yourself the best you can, you're your number one!

Big hug
Kyeema

[nasf62]

You need confidence in yourself to be able to get other women! It's partly a fear of being alone that will drive you nuts. I was cheated on by my first girlfriend as well and in the end I wasn't able to let go until I had the confidence that I was able to get other women. Not letting go developed from a fear of never finding anyone else. It may be shallow, but I gained that confidence by...well... sleeping with her sister. It's not the nicest thing to do but hey, she cheated in the first place and that's just scummy. You deserve better! Go get that confidence!

[waynechriss]

You need confidence in yourself to be able to get other women! It's partly a fear of being alone that will drive you nuts. I was cheated on by my first girlfriend as well and in the end I wasn't able to let go until I had the confidence that I was able to get other women. Not letting go developed from a fear of never finding anyone else. It may be shallow, but I gained that confidence by...well... sleeping with her sister. It's not the nicest thing to do but hey, she cheated in the first place and that's just scummy. You deserve better! Go get that confidence!

We had to break up make up routine going on for the longest time and after she cheated on me, she was convinced he was the man she wanted to be with so she broke up with me. I ended up talking to a girl from my school and slept with her that very day, which began a 4 month relationship with her. When my first ex came back to me to try again I told her no because i was now involved with someone else. Because I'm so depressed from her, I always feel like I should've gone back with her but I know that's wrong because I became addicted to the stress, the drama and the anger that came with being with her. I really hate being single because I know i try hard but I always get bad luck. I NEVER mourn the loss of my other two relationships that followed the first because they never went out of their way to hurt me. I feel like i need to find someone in order to cope but I don't want to become too dependent on someone like i was with her.

[waynechriss]

We do many stupid things out of love and when the one we did it for leaves us, it hurts so incredibly because we not only have to mourn the loss of our loved one but also all the things we gave up for them and sometimes even the loss of ourselves. You were so young when you met her how should you have known better? You did what you thought was right in that moment and you did it out of love. You did the best you could. And you got taught a very hard lesson. Love doesn't always last and you can't make anybody else happy. There was no way you could have made her insecurities go away by loving her and telling her how beautiful she was. She needs to love herself in order to do that. And so do you.

Start focusing on yourself, find a therapist or a group who can help you let go of your self-directed anger and who help you to forgive yourself. If you could have done any better, you'd have done it! And look at it this way: no matter how painful this is now, you learned this hard lesson early in life. You are just about to start your own life. She may have ripped everything from you in the relationship you had, but don't allow her to still do that by punishing yourself! Everything lies still ahead of you, the world is waiting for you, even if you can't feel it at the moment! Allow yourself to go for it!

You are and will always the most important person in your life and the only one that can't possibly leave you... so treat yourself the best you can, you're your number one!

Big hug
Kyeema

Reply to Mathias as well:

I don't know anything about counseling and I don't have money for that if it costs anything? (Trying to save up money for transfer university). I'm moving to a different city this fall to attend a bigger university and i've heard some colleges have free sessions with on campus psychiatrists.

It definitely took a long time for me to acknowledge it wasn't my fault the relationship went the way it did. I'm just angry that she gets away with this guy (We were also our firsts for sex so that's another burden on the mind). I'm really hoping moving to a new city in a new school (2nd largest in the country) can help me meet new people. Thanks you guys, I feel a little more alleviated.

[Kyeema]

Well, I know exactly how it feels when you're angry that your ex seemingly got away and has the better, easier life now... I'm outraged whenever I think of my ex in this context (and - except from all the emotional baggage - he left me with an old, still to be renovated house in a place we moved to because of him, far away from my friends and family, 3 dogs, no money and lots of debts - can you imagine how angry I am sometimes?), but still I can't do anything about it... but then on the other hand I believe that everything you send out there into the world, comes back to you eventually and that thought helps a bit.

And why not see the first-sex thing as a beautiful memory the two of you share? You loved her and were happy with her in this moment, weren't you? So don't let her and your anger take that moment away from you!

I think moving will definitely help, new surroundings, new people, you will be so busy you'll have no time to even think of her...

As for counseling perhaps your insurance covers it? Or are there any charity organisations offering therapy for people who can't afford to pay for it? Perhaps you even find some information on that online...

Wish you all the best,
Kyeema

[waynechriss]

The reason I can't see it as a good thing was partly because of the way I discovered the cheating. The guy had blocked me on Facebook so I couldn't see any of his activity until someone wrote on my ex's wall saying," you two look so good in (name of guy) profile pic. I asked my friend to login his account and discovered pictures of them kissing...hugging....must've been 20-30 pics of them doing stuff like that. My ex and I had sex quite often so the idea of them doing it together is one of the most painful images in my head. I had sex with her because I truly loved her. The next girl i dated, we just had sex because we liked the physical pleasure and she wasn't a virgin and neither was I. The lust for my first ex is very very painful as well...