Trying to recover from extreme devestation. Six year relationship w/ multi deaths.

[TheLostAdonis]

Well to keep it brief as possible...I met my ex when I was 21 and I dated until I was basically 27. We weren't serious for the first 4 months or so, and she actually had a trial break up for one week. She got really worried about me and started coming to see me everyday (this was when I was still 21). And she realized she really liked me. THe problem at the time, I was afraid of getting close so I acted like a jerk to her in the beginning. I got offered a very nice job in NY and was studying for an exam and was planning on moving to NY. Eight months in and I realized that I wanted to see where it was going with her because I realized I couldn't move away from her. Her friends did not like me, except for one. They were all single and had bad relationships etc, and I'm a pretty boy so I'm easily identified as a guy not to like by some girls. She was/is a very pretty smart and personable woman. She was two years older than me and had already graduated from college and I still had three years left. We fell in love and spent all of our time together for almost six years. We lived together for four years. She told me she loved me thousands of times. Sometimes I wake up in the night and I wonder where she is, and all I feel is emptiness and pain. Everyone in her family liked me and all of her nieces and nephews loved me, I was like their really cool uncle. Her father was a very strict conservative man, so we had to conceal the fact that we were living together for two years. When he found out he nearly wrote her off. But then he realized that I was a very good man to her (unlike her older sisters that had been abused and cheated on). He even told me after she broke up with me that he thought we would end up together. Her grandmother from a foreign country even told her to keep me and that she could tell that we had found true love. That was four and a half years ago.

We broke up in August 2008. She broke up with me. We had had a maybe two or three small arguments coming up to the announcement and she had sleep on the futon a few times leading up to that. She had seemed more distant for the last two months, but I thought it was because her job (AN EXTREMELY STRESSFUL job) was causing her to behave that way. We had also recently bought a puppy together, and we both had difficulty potty training the dog and the dog would refuse to cooperate with going potty outside. (The breed is known to resist potty training, supposed to be one of the most difficult to train). We both loved the dog, and just seven months before the breakup she told me she had never been so happy in her entire life. This occured right when I graduated from college. I coasted for a few months and didn't actively job hunt. She saw that as irresponsible, and I ignored her when she told me i really needed to get a job. I procrastinated because it was the big "i just graduated from college so now what?" moment of my life. The jobs my degree qualified me for would require me to move to a metropolitan location, and she wanted to stay local. Then that summer we visited her sister from out of state. This sister had a very financially successful husband, however he was abusive to her and her children and commited adultery. She told me after we broke up that the road trip there was the turning point. I decided instead of staying with her relatives there, to drive to visit my aging grandmother one state over for a couple days. I had a wonderful time with my grandmother, but when it came time to leave I had this feeling, and I acted on it. Instead of going to see my GF with her family (they were preparing a big meal and were all expecting me) I instead stayed with my grandma for the afternoon, which caused me to run late. She told me that was the day her feelings for me changed, showing disregard for her family. That was also the last time I ever saw my grandma because she died the next year. Got a speeding ticket driving back, and we had a long road trip home which was strangely silent. After her seeing her sister's materially affluent lifestyle i think she became unsatisfied with my socio-economic status.

That had never been a problem before. I had always been generous with her, and she had always been even more generous with me. I was very lucky to have her.

Then that fateful afternoon late August 2008. I got slammed by a black wall of agony that has never left me. She told me was leaving me, and she took our dog and drove to see her relatives. She told me she cried during the entire trip. Twenty minutes after she left and I sat down feeling really scared for the first time in my life, I got a phone call, my grandma was dying in the hospital (this was my other living grandmother, not the one previously mentioned). Of course my then GF who was breaking up with me told me she would come back since she had just left...may have been a major mistake but i told her she needed the time away and I expected for this to be a temporary thing and that it would blow over after a couple weeks. I was wrong. After she got back still with the were breaking up but we still live together thing...she went to visit her friends mom, who introduced her to another man knowing that she had broken up with me two weeks prior. her friend had been in town and i think may have broken the straw on the camels back, because my gf was infuriated with me when i was being inconsiderate about borrowing her car to go be in a movie (hollywood). My legs had swollen from standing all day and I laid in bed with my legs elevated, and unknowningly the dog had gone and crapped in the other room. Her friend came over with her and was appalled, that was the moment she resented me so much that she decided to break up with me. If only I had woken up ten minutes earlier and cleaned up the dog poop?

Anyways she had a relationship with another about three weeks after we broke up. We shared the same cell phone bill so I traced all of her cars after the breakup and there was no evidence that she had been cheating on me. Anyways she thought she had foudn some wonderful new boyfriend. He screwed her (which she lied to me about) and then dumped her within three weeks of dating, at which point I was living at the condo and she had moved in with her (a girl) friend and had immediately begun dating this guy on the side. We then lived together for about a month when we "weren't together" problem being she was still really attracted to me so sex was not out of the question. Except she lied to me about the man she had seen. She had told me that they had gone on a few dates and then she found out he was a sleaze and left him. Apparently he had broken up with her to see his ex girlfriend. She sad the sex didn't mean anything anymore and we were just doing it for fun. I had unprotected sex with her thinking i was still her first and only. That situation did not last long and one month afterwards in early november I moved out and then my grandma died. At the funeral they had this slide show and their were pictures of me and my grandma and my ex being run, and I was all alone and a couple of my cousins had their girlfriends there with them to comfort them. She was dead and then those pictures of all of us together...

I moved in to my mothers house having no idea what to make of my life, and have been living there and at my dads house for almost a year now. She moved out of our shared condo (she bought the dog but i raised the dog and loved her too). The landlords kept the security deposit which she had made, since hte last place i had kept all of my deposit on the place, and we never planned on breaking up. We were even talking about engagement rings 45 days before she decided to breakup with me. We talked about out children we would have and watching our dog grow old. Out of the blue this past October, we had been on good friendship terms, she had been dating and was getting dumped. She is unstable, and i think in part her instability is a reason she broke up with me seemingly on a whim? I'll never really know why for sure. All those years. She told me she loved me more than I could ever know. When someone tells you thousands of times that they love you...how could it end?

Anyways this fall she got charged the entire deposit. This changed her friendly relationship with me. She had the dog and had been letting me see her for the past year since I raised her too. She is a very good dog, very cute. My grandmother died, and then three weeks later my other grandmother died. So I lost my future wife and both my grandmas in two months. My only dream i had was to have a wedding with her and for both of my grandmothers to be there to see one of their grandson's marry. That was my only dream.

She told me via text message that if i did not pay 400 dollars for the deposit i wouldn't see the dog anymore. I thought this was cruel and immediately put me on bad terms with her. Also found out she did not pay her last month's bill which was in my name for electricity. So I charged it too her card. She filed a police report about it. Nothing came of that because it was a crazy claim, but I wonder at the time if her current BF may have seen me as a threat. The last time I saw the dog was the first time he saw me (from a distance). I don't understand what went foul, but I think he may have influenced her to cut off ties to me. Just this october I helped her move into her apartment, and confused, she left a voicemail on my phone telling me how much she and her dog loved "our" new place. Like she forget we broke up. Her new BF is also an attorney and probably "advised" her to file the report knowing it would damage our friendship. Now I can't see the dog. When she left me and both my grandmas died all i had was that dog and licked the tears from my eyes. The nightmares of my children, my future vanishing, my cherished grandmothers. It was all too much. The stress was traumatic and I had hundreds of breakdowns. The first ones were so bad I couldn't sleep or eat for three weeks, I rapidly lost weight. My nightmares were so bad I couldn't stay asleep. I still have them sometimes. Dreams of her turning away, or of losing the dog. The dog is the only thing that saw me through the hard times, and its too much for me to bear to not see her, she was my best dog i ever had and i just want to see her sometimes. i sent her an email, we both still have some of each others stuff, our lives were so meshed together...her nieces and newphews loved me and still ask about me.

She became promiscuous after she left me, which destroyed me because we had lost our virginity to each other, and she was the only one i ever had, and i her. i sometimes wonder if she did that just to hurt me. i dont know.

I dont know what to do. I sent her an email a couple weeks ago that she responded too when i told her i wanted to return a couple of her things. she had me give them to my mother who dropped them off with a clerk at her place of work. She asked me not to contact her anymore. I love the dog so much, and even miss her after all the mistreatment she gave me when we broke up, and it was nightmarish. I dont' know if its about the money she thinks I owe her, or if its her new bf which is apparently very serious with her, and rich...he's in his thirties i think eight years older than me. Anyways the impasse is that I want to see the dog and now she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I think she is very cruel and I don't know what to do. I just want to see the dog sometimes. She bought the dog and she belongs to her and I respect that, that was understood. So her asking me to pay for part of the dog's damage to the carpet, and then taking the dog away...confusing. And I can't afford it, and I don't even know if I should pay her. (Am I actually obliged?) She lived there for a year without me, we lived together for one full year there though. I want to find a way to approach her so I can see the dog again, and be friends. All the time, thousands of nights together...all for nothing?? It amounted to nothing? I'm so lost and so sad, and I can't function at all. I didn't just lose her, I lost her family, all the nieces and nephews that had grown up with me around, the dog, the future...everything i had hoped for.

Can anyone give me some advice?

[IncognitoSir]

Wow, thats was quite dramatic. First off, you two have a lot of history together which is going toi make it very dificult to move on. About the dog, the dog really isnt the issue. You're just using the dog as a reason to see her again. Unfortunately she is moving on now. This may be and probably is due to her current bf encouraging her her to do so, but this is the case nonetheless. It looks like she was unhappy with the life you guys shared and failed to mention this to you....that is until she saw someone else with a life she admired. This is unfortunate, but nothing new around here. The slow start you had after college didnt help the situation at all. And yes she is very much unstable, notice she's dating an attorney now. He can probably provide her all the stability she wants. Her being promiscuous is just her way of trying to fill the void in her life that was YOU. People do this all the time and it never works. The best thing you can do is pull your life back together. Rather you want her back or not, you have to get YOURSELF together before you can even think about a future with her. I don't think any of her relationships will last simply because she still has so many built up feelings of you. As much as it may hurt, don't contact her and focus on yourself for a while.

Basically, she wanted you to grow up but never really brought it to your attention until a series of events took place. Thats's why she abruptly broke up with you like that. It was on her mind and she failed to bring it to your attention before it boiled over.

[Gigabitch]

I agree that you need to focus on yourself for a while. Being single can be a great thing. You need your own attention right now.

[SamFrmMelbourne]

TheLostAdonis, there is no point to contemplate that you've lost her family, nieces, etc. because they were only connected to you through her. Now that she is out of your life, that connection does not exist anymore. About the dog, I agree with IncognitoSir that you may, subconsciously, use it as a reason to see her again because the dog symbolizes one of the things the two of you had decided to do together (buying it). If this is true, don't! Since the dog is hers and assuming she is treating it well, let the dog go.

She has moved on, so you should move on, too. It is no longer about her or your past relationship. What's done is done, nothing you do now can change it. It is now all about you. You can't change the past but you have control over the future. There is so much more in life than just her. Focus your energy on building relationships with your friends, performing well on your job, and growing as a person.

We have all gone through this life-changing experience (or at one point of your life we will, eventually) and we and million others have survived. You can survive too!

[TheLostAdonis]

I independently love the dog too. The dog herself is very important to me. I would babysit her for weeks at a time and the dog recognized me as the master and would follow me everywhere. This separation has created so many voids in my life. I'm also not currently employed, and so depressed and confused that I don't know what to do with myself. Been drowning myself in videogames, which at its best is an immersive and fun distraction.
Also during the separation we would try and hang out sometimes and she would frequently "forget" that we had broken up and talk about us doing things like we were couple even if we hadn't seen each other in months. She also got a boob job last spring which I did not approve of. i thought she was beautiful just the way she was. I really want to see the dog she is very important to me. She was the only thing that was there for me during the hard times. Also didn't help that we spent all of our time with each other so I alienated myself from all of my friends during our long relationship and during college I didn't go out and party and socialize with people my own age. I lived through her, she was my anchor, and now I'm set adrift with vast uncertainty, misery and memories of a once happy life.

[cmacattack1]

Ahhh I'm sorry man. I don't know what to tell you. We are engrained with that belief that no matter what we end up doing, or how much money we have, when we have love, nothing else matters. Then reality kind of slaps you in the face. There is a big difference between 21 and 27, and over that time alot of growing and maturity occurs. Your priorities over that time changed for you didn't it? Your girl is a few years older and as they get older too, security from their mate is something they look for. Hence her fooling around with the attorney and so on. As young guys, we've gotten by so much on our personality or how we treat them, but it's not enough as we grow up.

I know you think that what seemingly ended your relationship were little things but she probably just didn't have it in her to let you know how she really felt. And that's not fair. That's not honest. That rips the floor out right from under you. She's emotional and what she says is probably mixed up. There is no advice that I can really give you that will guarentee her coming back or figure out what she is thinking. This time is for you to get yourself on your own two feet and build a life for yourself. An opportunity to be an independant adult that can provide that security for a woman, whether it's her or somebody else. You have to do this for yourself and it's ultimately up to her to make the steps back to you. I'm sure she still cares, you don't put all those years behind you in an instant. It's also a time for her to "cut loose" and "try new things" because all she has known is you. It will lose its allure real quick and she'll end up wanting something more.

I wish the fact that you got along so well with her family was enough to keep her with you but it isn't. It's not a requirement for a relationship, it's a perk.

I'm not saying that you guys will start a new relationship in the future, or that hope isn't lost. But right now, it's not you and her. It's just you. You have to do you now. You do not know what the future holds.

[TheLostAdonis]

Wow, thats was quite dramatic. First off, you two have a lot of history together which is going toi make it very dificult to move on. About the dog, the dog really isnt the issue. You're just using the dog as a reason to see her again. Unfortunately she is moving on now. This may be and probably is due to her current bf encouraging her her to do so, but this is the case nonetheless. It looks like she was unhappy with the life you guys shared and failed to mention this to you....that is until she saw someone else with a life she admired. This is unfortunate, but nothing new around here. The slow start you had after college didnt help the situation at all. And yes she is very much unstable, notice she's dating an attorney now. He can probably provide her all the stability she wants. Her being promiscuous is just her way of trying to fill the void in her life that was YOU. People do this all the time and it never works. The best thing you can do is pull your life back together. Rather you want her back or not, you have to get YOURSELF together before you can even think about a future with her. I don't think any of her relationships will last simply because she still has so many built up feelings of you. As much as it may hurt, don't contact her and focus on yourself for a while.

Basically, she wanted you to grow up but never really brought it to your attention until a series of events took place. Thats's why she abruptly broke up with you like that. It was on her mind and she failed to bring it to your attention before it boiled over.

Got the feeling that materialism and maternity over-took her sense of love. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, our problems were very small comapred to the issues that most people share. That simplicity and innocence was destroyed. The worst part is I know I can't ever have a relationship with such a simple and pure love again. Also she was becoming much more independent financially because of her new career, so she could afford to be without me. It was my fault because I didn't get a job right out of college, I coasted...thinking myself like Hoffman in the graduate where he coasts for awhile...then gets married (without the affair though!!!). My total life dream died in those short months. All I wanted was to marry her and for both of my grandmothers to be there. Now they are all gone, and all i want is to see my dog again.

[TheLostAdonis]

Ahhh I'm sorry man. I don't know what to tell you. We are engrained with that belief that no matter what we end up doing, or how much money we have, when we have love, nothing else matters. Then reality kind of slaps you in the face. There is a big difference between 21 and 27, and over that time alot of growing and maturity occurs. Your priorities over that time changed for you didn't it? Your girl is a few years older and as they get older too, security from their mate is something they look for. Hence her fooling around with the attorney and so on. As young guys, we've gotten by so much on our personality or how we treat them, but it's not enough as we grow up.

I know you think that what seemingly ended your relationship were little things but she probably just didn't have it in her to let you know how she really felt. And that's not fair. That's not honest. That rips the floor out right from under you. She's emotional and what she says is probably mixed up. There is no advice that I can really give you that will guarentee her coming back or figure out what she is thinking. This time is for you to get yourself on your own two feet and build a life for yourself. An opportunity to be an independant adult that can provide that security for a woman, whether it's her or somebody else. You have to do this for yourself and it's ultimately up to her to make the steps back to you. I'm sure she still cares, you don't put all those years behind you in an instant. It's also a time for her to "cut loose" and "try new things" because all she has known is you. It will lose its allure real quick and she'll end up wanting something more.

I wish the fact that you got along so well with her family was enough to keep her with you but it isn't. It's not a requirement for a relationship, it's a perk.

I'm not saying that you guys will start a new relationship in the future, or that hope isn't lost. But right now, it's not you and her. It's just you. You have to do you now. You do not know what the future holds.

I think during our relationship from when I was 21 to 27 my priorities did change, just not to the level of maturity that she suddenly revealed is what she wanted. I even snooped on her comp and found an ad she put out on a dating website, she basically described me but a bit more mature. I get panic attacks when I think about her or the dog. The dog always cheered me up. Not in the "i want to get back with her and the dog represents that" way, but because i really bonded with the dog, she is precious to me. Her taking the dog away altogether is cruel, and she says she has already begun talking about marriage with this man she is dating now, who also has a terminal illness. The men she dated after we broke up mistreated her, and each one of them dumped her, and she recoiled with bitterness. I was there for a few times when she was having breakdowns, I was really worried about her. She was really miserable after breaking up with me, and I think she blames her problems in life on me, but I don't really understand her. Her confusion is too great, and she has done unbelievable harm to me and my sense of self and identity. I don't feel like a person anymore, if that makes sense.

[cmacattack1]

She's been with you so long she's probably very inexperienced with dating and her intuitions on men are probably a bit off. Hopefully she'll get sick of what she is getting dished to her and by then you'll be on your feet and well off.

[TheLostAdonis]

I don't want her to be unhappy. But taking the dog away is a death blow. I don't know what to think anymore. She's ruined my life.

[cmacattack1]

She's given you the opportunity to really make something of yourself.

My last break up was devastating and I deserved it. It really opened my eyes and really educated me alot about myself, about relationships, and about her as well. It's given me focus, it's helped me rearrange my priorities, it's been the best thing to ever happen to me really even though it pains me to see her with somebody else.

Take this time to make something of yourself. You have nothing holding you back but you. She may have hurt you but she doesn't have a say or control what you do. Choose to concentrate your efforts and thoughts on positive results for you.

[TheLostAdonis]

She's given you the opportunity to really make something of yourself.

My last break up was devastating and I deserved it. It really opened my eyes and really educated me alot about myself, about relationships, and about her as well. It's given me focus, it's helped me rearrange my priorities, it's been the best thing to ever happen to me really even though it pains me to see her with somebody else.

Take this time to make something of yourself. You have nothing holding you back but you. She may have hurt you but she doesn't have a say or control what you do. Choose to concentrate your efforts and thoughts on positive results for you.

\I think she may have wanted something like that. She seemed disappointed last summer when she found that I hadn't moved away for a job. After what she put me through I don't know if i could ever trust her again. I still miss her for some reason. And the taking the dog away was a brutal stab to the back, or front I should say.

[cmacattack1]

Well I hope you at least try to understand and see it from her point of view. It shows alot of empathy and maturity. I know what you have gone through is not easy and left you with alot of question marks in your life. I'm not saying what she did was right. And I'm not saying you will want to start something new with her if she decides to include you again in her life. It all depends on how you feel and if it makes sense to you (if she hasn't changed, do you want to be with that same person?).

[TheLostAdonis]

She hasn't been entirely empathetic to me. If anything she has a sense of hostility that I don't understand. I carried her burden for her when we were together, and she probably wants me to be guilty because I can't carry it anymore.

[cmacattack1]

Yeah well, love isn't about giving and receiving. It's just about giving. You want to give that to them because it makes you happy to do so. You don't stop loving somebody because they aren't giving back what you give them. If you choose to not be with them because you aren't getting it back is an entirely different thing. We can still love somebody and not be with them.