How NOT to fall in love...?

[Dolmetscher]

So, I left my wife 2 years ago. Not a very interesting story there. Grew apart. End of story.

Have dated some. Had one 9 month thing that ended badly. But for the most part, I have spent the last year and a half alone and regrouping. Well, the other day, I reconnected with a girl from my home town on Facebook. She was 3 years younger than me in high school, and went to another high school. So I basically know OF her more than I could say I know her. And besides... that was like 15-16 years ago.

I friended her, or she friended me (I honestly can't remember)... at least a year ago. It was completely one of those, "Oh yeah, we're from the same hometown, and have some common friends. Let's be Facebook friends but never actually communicate." Because we didn't communicate for all this time. And then the other day, I was doing some stuff online, and she was on Facebook Chat. So I just said hello.

Her mother was my 9th grade English teacher... and I absolutely adored her. ADORED HER!!! She single handedly made a greater impact on my life than perhaps anyone before or since. So, talking to her daughter on Facebook 16 years later, well... it just felt like a novelty. So, I will cut this story short... The girl is great! She's beautiful. She's smart. She's independent. After talking on Facebook for a few days, and then via text, and then several phone conversations... she's pretty damn cool.

Sounds great right? Well... just like everything, there is a "But..." She was married. With the guy for 7 years, and married for 3. Now, they are "legally separated", and have been for 6 months. To me 6 months is not a long time. Not long at all. 7 years!, then only 6 months. Hmmmmm....

She left him. Similar reasons like my situation. Just grew apart. He's 8 years older than her, and they started dating when she was like 21. So he's been very "daddy-like" to her apparently. But anyway, none of that is any of my business. I don't even want to know all the details etc. It'll just make me start to over-think shit.

My question to you guys is... I want to continue casually with this girl, and "see where things go". But I do NOT want to get too invested in a girl that still has one foot in a marriage. She could go back to him any second. I ain't trying to be some girl's rebound boy. Now, if I mention any of this to her, she is just going to say, "It's not a rebound thing... I am totally over him..." blah blah blah... and she is going to mean it. But in my experience, 6 months is no where near long enough to really get space, and clarity of thought about a failed or pseudo-failed relationship. What can I do to fight these feelings? She lives 5 hours away, so it would be a LDR anyway, which isn't tip-top on my list of "things to get into" in the first place.

But she texts me a lot. And she says things in her texts and over the phone that are, in my opinion, going a little fast. She doesn't say "I love you" or anything like that. But I do get a lot of "You're so great. I just could talk to you all night." and things like, "I had a dream last night that you came to visit, and it was such a wonderful feeling until I woke up." Oh, and she's kinda naughty. We haven't have full on phone sex yet. But she definitely tells me that she's masturbating thinking about me, and that my voice just gets her hot etc. So, I mean... yeah, it's gotten pretty heavy pretty fast.

I don't want to slow her down, or make her feel that she can't say these things to me. I just want to know if any of you have a mental trick to keep me from falling in love with this girl? Because it isn't really love... it's just infatuation.

[Teddy057]

The only "trick" you can use, is to read her texts carefully and think about them for a little... You don't want to set yourself up for failure or jump in to anything, but I think you know that already.. 6 months after a 7 yr marriage? Yeah, you may want to be very cautious for a little bit. 5 hour distance? Yeah, that could also be very bad. Especially since you know a LDR is something you don't want, you may want to tell her that. Have you two actually hung out in person yet?

Anyway, I don't think you can help actually falling in love. Just be able to recognize infatuation over love, and in my book it's pretty hard to fu**ing tell.

[John May]

Well... This may sound disturing and gross, but maybe it will help.

Think of her doing gross things, going to the bathroom, vomiting.... Anyway You get the idea. See if that will help.

If you still care for her after having those horrible images in your head, maybe its love and not infatuation after all.

[Mish]

I don't want to slow her down, or make her feel that she can't say these things to me. I just want to know if any of you have a mental trick to keep me from falling in love with this girl? Because it isn't really love... it's just infatuation.

What a strange thing to ask. No, noone has a trick to stop you from doing what you want to do.

[jessZ]

I think it is relevant to know who ended her marriage, more detail on why etc... I say this because, although 6mths is quite a short time, if they'd grown apart like you say, it could be that she had already departed the relationship in her mind long before it actually ended. People do things at different paces, there's no real right or wrong. You could always communicate your desire to take things slowly, though surely this will happen naturally, given you live so far apart.

[Dolmetscher]

This is a very good point you make.

She is the one that left him. She told me that she'd been wanting to leave for quite some time etc.

But, I have just grown so mistrusting over the years. For starters, I was the one that left my wife after 10 years. I had planned it for at least a year. I had actually felt a kind of feeling of doom starting around year two. But still... after I left her, I immediately started dating someone... and after that collapsed 9 months in... I was devastated. I mean, literally demolished. Drank myself into a coma (metaphorically), lost my job... everything. And I know that it wasn't because of the new girl... it was because I missed my wife, and I thought I had realized that I had "ruined the best thing that I ever had" blah blah blah... But it was just because I wasn't in the right head space at all.

Now, I consider myself to be one of the most solid and stable people I know. And I am kind, generous, and thoughtful. And despite all these nice things, and a perfectly clean record of never having cheated, or even really hurt someone, I severely hurt my wife, the new girl I dated, myself, my parents, her parents... so many people. Basically, what I'm saying is, good people still hurt people everyday. And although I'm sure some bad Karma is headed my way, I want to do all that I can to avoid it.

[jessZ]

Take things slowly then. I think you've got to stop looking back and just allow yourself to be happy. Free yourself from the past! It's gone now, we all make mistakes - don't be so hard on yourself.

[Dolmetscher]

Take things slowly then. I think you've got to stop looking back and just allow yourself to be happy. Free yourself from the past! It's gone now, we all make mistakes - don't be so hard on yourself.

Thanks JessZ,
I sent her an email yesterday that was just basically an honest summary of my thoughts. I was insistent that I am excited to get to know her better. I find what I know of her to be completely charming. I am attracted to and drawn to her. But at the same time... I am aware that she just got out of a 7 year relationship 6 months ago, and is still legally married to another man.

I didn't really make any sort of "stance" or say something like "... and because of all this, I want to keep things very casual." I just basically said all of the above, and left it with, "We should talk soon, also because I just like talking to you."

So it was a "Let's slow down just a little... but I'm not trying to clamp on the break to a screeching halt." Who knows how she'll react. Guess it's better to have said all this a week in, rather than waiting a month and then things are more complex.