Unrequited Love

[quiXilver]

I have been dating my current gf for almost 9 months now and so far she's the best girl to ever come along. I am 26 yr old male btw. And by "best" girl I'm starting to wonder what that really means. I guess I want a little advice.

This girl is sweet, beautiful, has a great body, doesn't argue (or bitch), does my dishes after I cook her dinner, is pleased by just watching TV all night in my arms, doesn't demand anything, and is very low maintenance. Those are the upsides.

(this next part is going to sound like I'm the girl in the relationship, which I have been called before...lol so I'm sensitive...sue me.)

BUT she has a hard time showing emotions, verbally or physically. I on the other hand am the opposite. She isn't very touchy-feely, seemingly has almost no sex drive(I always initiate, then it's great), doesn't ever compliment me, or do anything to go out of her way for me emotionally or physically, like back rubs, little notes, etc. Romantic I don't think exists in her vocabulary. I on the other hand am the opposite. I have been going out of my way for her since day one, candlelit back massages, foot rubs, flowers, love notes, all the romantic stuff (not obsessively). Yet she doesn't really seem to care. When I approach her about this kinda thing she says "she doesn't ask for it, and doesn't really need it" basically. And I say well you're not supposed to ask for it...I do it because I care for you and I want to make you happy. But I guess it's just not a big deal to her...

I guess I'll try to sum this up. I am crazy in love with her, all I want is for her to love me the way I love her. She has told me she loved me once but was a little intoxicated when she did (lol). I want her to trust me and show me that she wants me to be a part of her life.

4 months before we got together she had just got out of the longest on/off relationship of her life with the guy that took her v card. They were together almost 4 years. She said she was so messed up when they broke up, that she had to get on meds because she wouldn't eat or sleep for 2 weeks..even though he was cheating on her the last year and she knew it. She told me when we got together she wasn't going to get attached because of her past relationship, but saw that I was a catch and stayed with me...but it's been like pulling teeth the whole way for me to get her to open up as much as she has. It's been almost 9 months...are these symptoms she's going through still because of her past relationship? Is it not enough time? How after all these months of me proving myself to her can she still not open up to me?? I love her to death and want to be with her, but sometimes it hurts being with her not REALLY knowing what's going through her head.

Have any of you girls had your walls up this long?? Should I stick with it? Or is this just the "way" she is?

[TheWizard]

Sounds like a wound that only time can heal.. no real advice for you I think you're doing what you can. I understand the frustration but you have to keep in mind how her previous relationship went. If she knew her BF was cheating on her for a YEAR before they broke it off than she had a lot invested in him, and probably still thinks on it often.

Sounds like she just isn't ready to give another person that kind of trust again just yet. Don't blame her, blame the ex - because she didn't do this to herself.

my $.02

[kms]

Well.... if she doesn't seem to be interested in changing and working out of her current state of mind, then you could wait for the rest of your life and nothing would change. Absolutely, it's possible for her to work her way out of the psychological and emotional damage she suffered from the relationship, but change requires some movement - taking steps forward, maybe a few back, but always in a state of trying.

Has she told you everything about the relationship with her ex? It sounds to me like she just doesn't care at all and has completely withdrawn and shut down altogether. Was she like that before her relationship with him, or did this happen as a result? If she's always been like this, I'm not sure how far you'll get with her. If she got like this after being with him, then I wonder if she hasn't told you the full story. Like perhaps he was forcing her to have sex, or was verbally abusive, or who knows what else. But again, the key is, does she believe she's in a rough state of mind? And does she want things to get better? Or, is she happy the way things are and has no intention of changing? Therein lies your answer as to whether or not you stay or go.

[quiXilver]

Sounds like a wound that only time can heal.. no real advice for you I think you're doing what you can. I understand the frustration but you have to keep in mind how her previous relationship went. If she knew her BF was cheating on her for a YEAR before they broke it off than she had a lot invested in him, and probably still thinks on it often.

Yea the ex and her were supposed to get married I guess, or they talked about it.

Sounds like she just isn't ready to give another person that kind of trust again just yet. Don't blame her, blame the ex - because she didn't do this to herself.

my $.02

Yea, I guess I can only wait so long, then I'm sure I'd have to ask the "where are we going" question.

Well.... if she doesn't seem to be interested in changing and working out of her current state of mind, then you could wait for the rest of your life and nothing would change. Absolutely, it's possible for her to work her way out of the psychological and emotional damage she suffered from the relationship, but change requires some movement - taking steps forward, maybe a few back, but always in a state of trying.

Well she has been getting better and better. She does things she didn't do before, and always is improving. She is really shy. I caught her while we were a little intoxicated and it kinda came up..I asked her if she loved me and she said yes with no hesitation, and I asked her why she couldn't tell me, and she said that she's so afraid of getting hurt again that she it's really hard for her to say it.

It's just so hard because I'm so physically and emotionally attracted to her and for her to seem to not feel the same way hurts. It hasn't got to the point of me giving up, because she has way too many good points to her to not try and see if she gives in sooner or later Thanks for your replies!

[cmacattack1]

I think the way you described you girlfriend is, to a tee, the way I was in my last few relationships. I started off doing some of the more romantic things I could think of and a month into my last relationship, she said I love you, and I said I love you back but later wondered how I felt. I had some issues and I knew I needed some space to really figure out how I felt about her but didn't mention it, because how the hell do you tell somebody that really cares about you you need to be away from them? It sat on my conscience and it got to the point where I was acting differently holding in how I felt and left her wondering what the hell was going on. She waited for a while, did some great things but I didn't open up and didn't budge and she got very desparate and upset until she was so angry at me she dumped me. You can't imagine how sorry I am now of course.

I guess the point of this is that I can see where she is coming from and any pushing won't really help your situation. If you do things for her in an effort to get her to return those feelings, that could be dangerous. It sounds like everything is going good as she is slowly opening up and doing more instead of like me going in the opposite direction. If you ever feel like you are getting desparate, you might have to back away from the situation and give her some space. More likely then not, she won't want to lose you and hopefully it will wake her up to some things she has to deal with herself.

[TheWizard]

sounds like you're making progress, you just needed reassurance that you're not missing something. KMS is right, it's possible you could end up waiting forever and never get anywhere but doesn't sound that way at the moment. Patience is a virtue.

[nfatuation]

probably doesn't help but im in the same boat... unrequited love it hurts so much but i dont want the pain to go away...True Love??? hehe maybe thats it...

[quiXilver]

Yea she's made comments about how "true love" doesn't exist. But it's like she won't LET it happen. I think she was head over heels for her first boyfriend and when he screwed her over it hurt her so bad she doesn't want to go there again...I guess she said it was great the first 2 years and then it went down hill. I guess she thinks that the same thing can happen with me..and I don't blame her. That's why I'm just going to stick it out...I mean...we spend like 5 nights a week together with no problems. Just hanging out watching tv or going to dinner. We never argue, she's easy to please, and she does the dishes after I cook...and I get booty a couple times a week If I gave up, I'd be sad, alone, and looking for another crazy chick that just likes to fcuk.

[QueenofCorona]

I identify with your gf. I am sort of the same way. I didn't grow up with lots of love. I grew up hearing more hateful words than love. I can count on one hand the number of times my parents told me they love me. There were no hugs or kisses either. Because of that both my sister and I dated men who put us down or were verbally, physically, or mentally abusive.

I struggle with this now and more than anything I want to be the girl that is warm and loving, don't get me wrong I'm not cold and uncaring. I express my affections through actions (doing nice things for people, much like your gf doing your dishes) rather than through words. Saying "I love you" is the hardest thing in the world for me to say because I feel like it makes me vulnerable or something, very hard to explain.

I am getting better with this in my current relationship. It just takes time and a man who can be patient with me. If you say something to her she may feel attacked. I think the best thing you can do is let her know you are appreciative of her. I think she will eventually let her guard down and start to reciprocate. I may be wrong though. Maybe she is just the type that shows her affection through actions rather than words. I know there is some sort of book out there my friend read before she got married. Its a quiz of sorts where it tells you how you express your love and how you like love to be shown to you. That might be something you'd want to look into, it may be a way to break the ice with her without her feeling attacked.