Torn...in love...scared of being hurt.

[Lynae]

I met a wonderful man a few months ago. I'm 31 and he's 37. We're definitely not kids. We know not to be reckless. We know what love really is. We had an instant connection, and although neither of us said it, we both knew it was there. The way we looked into each other's eyes was unmistakable. We spent every possible moment together. We work different shifts, but still found plenty of time to spend together. I'd visit him at home, he'd come to see me at work, we'd go out after I got out of work. I was on top of the world. I knew I was falling fast for him and I could see that it was mutual. One night, after we both had a few drinks, he told me he loved me. The next night he said it again and also said I was the only woman he wanted to be with. It scared me because rationally, it seemed too soon, though I knew I felt it too. I think feeling it myself scared me more than him saying it. A couple days later, he could tell I was acting differently and confronted me. I told him what he had said and he told me that yes, it was too soon to say it, but that he meant every word he said. We had a long talk about how we're both usually very guarded with our feelings, yet we feel so comfortable together and we couldn't deny what was happening between us.

We both sort of backed off, I think out of fear, but it tore me up inside not seeing him as often. We used to talk every day on the phone, sometimes 3 or 4 times. Then we'd go a day or two without talking and he didn't seem to have the time to see me as much anymore. We still talked, and when we did everything was back to "normal" for us. It just wasn't as often. He has always been completely honest with me. He is fairly recently divorced and not ready for a serious commitment. He's always told me he's dating other women. He said he needs to find himself again after a 12 year marriage and have some fun being single before he becomes part of a couple again. I'm recently out of a relationship myself and want the exact same thing, yet there's just something about him that I'm afraid to walk away from. Believe me, I've tried. I just can't do it.

A couple weeks ago, we ran into each other unexpectedly and he was acting really distant. When I confronted him about it he told me he wanted me to walk out of his life because he's in love with me and he's not ready for it yet. It was an obvious admission of fear. I told him that I just can't do it (with tears in my eyes) and when he asked why, I finally told him that I love him too. His face softened and he said, "do you really?" I told him YES, I do love him and I don't want to walk away from him and what we might have. We've talked in depth about all of this numerous times and come to the same conclusion every time...we're not ready for a relationship. Honestly, it's killing me. I want him and only him and I know it. He said that he backed off because he knew that the more time he spent with me, the harder it would be to stop himself from committing to me, which he's not ready to do yet.

The big problem is that I understand all of what he's going through. I want to stay in his life enough to let him know that I will wait for him. I told him that in the past, I've always said that NO man is worth waiting for. If you don't want me now, I'll move on. And I've meant it. But he's different. The thing is, I don't want to seem pushy or clingy. I don't want to scare him away by making him feel trapped. He still calls me. Even though it's not as often as it used to be, he does. So it's not like this is totally one sided.

I don't know where to draw the line between showing him that I'm not going anywhere and seeming like I'm pushing him into something he's not ready for. And I don't want to end up being played for a fool in the end. I don't feel like I am, yet I'm jaded. I've been around the block before. I'm not naive or stupid. I just don't know what to think or do right now. Any advice, especially from guys who can understand what this man is doing, would be greatly appreciated.

[Gigabitch]

One night, after we both had a few drinks, he told me he loved me. The next night he said it again and also said I was the only woman he wanted to be with.

He is fairly recently divorced and not ready for a serious commitment. He's always told me he's dating other women. He said he needs to find himself again after a 12 year marriage and have some fun being single before he becomes part of a couple again.

Does the word "inconsistency" mean anything to you?

The thing is, I don't want to seem pushy or clingy. I don't want to scare him away by making him feel trapped.

So he wants you to just hang out and wait for him to pull it together while he dates around? Sorry, no. That's the recipe for heartbreak, Lynae.

Don't do it. Get over your own panic about falling in love and acknowledge the fact that it happened. Decide what you want. Don't settle for less.

Look, sometimes life doesn't do things by your timeline. Roll with it.

[Lynae]

Yes...hang around while he dates other women. Something I'd NEVER do under any circumstances in the past. But a part of me thinks that if we jump into something now he'll resent me for not letting him "get it out of his system" and it will be a recipe for disaster later. I know he means what he says. I can see it in his eyes. I can feel it. A part of me wants to give him an ultimatum...only me or I walk. I'm just afraid he'll choose the latter out of fear. I'm not really panicked about falling in love. I've admitted it. I just don't want to let it go...

[Gigabitch]

You don't really have it, though. He's jerking you around. I know he loves you and all, I know what his reasons are, but when you strip all that away, you're still left with the raw fact that he's jerking you around.

[Lynae]

So in your opinion, would an ultimatum of sorts be in order? I don't want to do it in a bitchy way, but just lay it on the line...tell him that if he wants me, I'm here, if not, I'm gone. This is just killing me. And I can't continue it, though I don't know if I have the strength to walk away. I don't know if an ultimatum will scare him away for good or make him realize how much I really do love him and that I won't let him down.

I know I'm attractive. I have plenty of options. They just don't interest me right now. I guess I've got blinders on at the moment. Wow...I feel really weak.

[gartlas]

yep,give him the ultimatum.If u dont take risks then u dont hit the jackpot.If someone I was in love with put me on the spot ,Id crumble like a cookie in hot chocolate.If he walks then u can say u tried,if nt then u will wonder what would have happened.there ,thats what I think.put the guy under pressure.

[squirrley]

I dont believe in ultimatums either. BUT there comes a time when a woman has to do it for her own sanity. This is one of those times. I laid out one ultimatum and in the short term it worked. We were exclusive for several months. But in the long run he couldnt resist dating other people, he just wasnt ready to settle down. Which I accepted. And we are still friends today. I hate the thought of putting it out there and thinking they'll choose what we dont want to hear, but IF that person really and truly cares for you, they will listen think it through and you will know.

DONT be the person waiting on the shelf. As much as you love him, you can only give so much of yourself without losing respect for yourself.

Damn I hated the thought of "sharing" the person I loved. But I felt ok if I let him, Im giving him the space he needs and he'll realize, but because things ended and he chose to date I accepted it and knew he wasnt the right person for me. Of course it hurt like hell, but hey we move on. Its a part of life. You will do whats best for you, take the risk and lay it on the line without fear and realize in the end you will be ok no matter what happens.

goodluck

[vashti]

I don't know what is so bad about ultimatums. They are really only a fancy way of saying "boundaries". People are SUPPOSED to have boundaries.

I agree with Giga - he sounds very inconsistent. Why is he telling a woman he loves her if he doesn't want to settle down? I'd be careful if I were you... men his age know how to be very persuasive.

[straight&56]

Lynae,

A female friend of mine was given an ultimatum a few months ago by someone she had had a relationship with not too long ago.
The time limit was 1 week. She was in turmoil for 1 week but decided late in the week not to respond to the ultimatum.
At a quarter to midnight on the last day of the ultimatum she had a phone call from the man who gave the ultimatum - guess he wanted to persuade her but he didn't.

If you issue an ultimatum what will you do at a quarter to midnight when all could be lost.

Think about that.

Hope this helps.

straight&56

[Gigabitch]

Don't focus so much on what you insist HE has to do, but focus on what you want from a relationship and whether or not he can satisfy you. Instead of "You can't see other people!" it's "I'm only interested in an exclusive relationship."

Seems like a slim difference, but it's an important one.

[vashti]

Yes, I agree with Giga. Ultimatums should really be about YOUR needs, not THEIR behavior.

[Gigabitch]

Yes, I agree with Giga. Ultimatums should really be about YOUR needs, not THEIR behavior.

I swear to God you must be related to me somehow.

[squirrley]

I say the same thing, only when they benefit you!!!!!!

Dont let him dictate how this goes, its your life!

[Lynae]

Well, he has called me 3 times today...being sweet as ever. He wants me to stop by tonight for a visit and says he wants to cook dinner for me tomorrow. Maybe I'll take dessert and a bottle of wine & just try talking openly once we're relaxed. I'll keep y'all posted. Thanks so much for the insight so far. It gives me a lot to think about and I'll reply to some individual posts later when I have more time.

[gartlas]

aaaahhhh!!!!!!.why is no one listening.put him under pressure and he will crumble!!