One night stand - shame and guilt :(

[Kealy]

Hi guys,

I have posted on the forum about my breakup with my bf of 2 years, which was about 7 months ago now. I am still very hurt over him and still love him very much but am trying to heal. Last night I went out with a friend on an unexpected night out. I ended up drinking way too much and getting very drunk. I went home with a guy I just met and we had sex and I feel so awful about it today. I have NEVER had a one night stand before and it is completely against my belief system. The only person I have ever slept with was my ex and I was deeply in love with him. I guess I just want some comfort from you guys cos I feel too ashamed to tell any of my friends. I can hardly remember anything about the night but I know we had sex multiple times. He's a nice guy and was a gentleman this morning and has text throughout the day but I'm not interested in anything further with him.

Will the feeling of guilt subside? I really feel terrible about it and wish I hadn't done it

[Wakeup]

Hi guys,

I have posted on the forum about my breakup with my bf of 2 years, which was about 7 months ago now. I am still very hurt over him and still love him very much but am trying to heal. Last night I went out with a friend on an unexpected night out. I ended up drinking way too much and getting very drunk. I went home with a guy I just met and we had sex and I feel so awful about it today. I have NEVER had a one night stand before and it is completely against my belief system. The only person I have ever slept with was my ex and I was deeply in love with him. I guess I just want some comfort from you guys cos I feel too ashamed to tell any of my friends. I can hardly remember anything about the night but I know we had sex multiple times. He's a nice guy and was a gentleman this morning and has text throughout the day but I'm not interested in anything further with him.

Will the feeling of guilt subside? I really feel terrible about it and wish I hadn't done it

Please tell us you insisted on him wearing a rubber!

That aside, congratulations because you've just learned what you don't want. Now you can get that out of the way and know that you'll not be doing that again,unless of course you have some problem where you can't control your own actions. Even if those 'actions" are just not drinking to the point where you lose your better judgement and do things that you don't like doing, but you go ahead and do them anyway.

You've just learned a life lesson.. don't beat yourself up over it..

P.S. You may want to thank buddy for his time and let him know that you're not interested in any other hookups before you find yourself in a booty call situ or a half-assed relationship where you're there just because you don't know how to say "no." You're not ready for anything new while you're still pining for the other guy.

[smackie9]

It's just sex *shrugs* People do it all the time and you shouldn't feel shame. You didn't cheat on anyone, you are an adult and you can sleep with anyone you please. I know there is a stigma about women who choose to have sex outside of a relationship...I feel it's no one's business, and it's not the 1950's, this a modern age where women have equal rights. I think you feel guilty because you still feel attachment to your ex. This is the first move in 7 months (that is a long time) to show you are finally moving on.

[smackie9]

I agree with Wakeup, there is no sense in beating yourself up over it.

[Kealy]

Thank you so much for making me feel a little better. I am worried because I am not 100% sure he wore a condom in the beginning cos I can't entirely remember but he was wearing one when he finished. I am thinking I may have to go and get some emergency contraception tomorrow just in case (stopped my pill when months ago).. what a mess.. god I just feel so cheap and dirty. I was never raised to think it is acceptable to sleep around and I am really angry with myself.

I think you are right that part of why I feel so bad is that I keep thinking 'what would ex think, he would be horrified and hurt and he would never believe I would ever do this'.. I know it doesn't matter what he would think but I can't help but linger on it and feel really bad. I know I will never be doing this again, ever. The guy is nice and didn't make me feel used or anything but I want no more to do with him... but also he is texting me and I feel that if I don't respond it will cheapen last night even more. Ugh I am soo disgusted with myself

[Wakeup]

I thought you said we made you feel better.. lol. You don't sound much better.

Go to the drug store and get yourself the morning after pill just to be on the safe side. Here, you don't need a prescription but you do need to ask the pharmacist for it. I think if he ended up with one on then he started with one on as well, I can't see him starting out bare-back and then switching afterward, that just doesn't make any sense but, the pill is a good idea just in case.

Stop worrying about what your lame-ass ex would say. Your goal is to get to the stage of indifference to him and you worrying about what is none of his freaking business is not going to help you to get to that stage. I'm more than sure that he's not being celebate.(in fact I don't think he was celebate in between his sessions with you either but that's another story) so don't even worry about what he will think. pfffft.

As for party boy. If you think not responding is cheapening it even more (you're mistaken in that mind-set IMO) then tell him outright that you'll not be responding again or, slowly do the fade on him. If you don't, then he is either going to get the wrong idea and think you are ready for some sort of thing with him or: (and most likely) he's going to end up talking you into being his regular booty and not much more. You're apparently very naive about this (and how your ex really is not the great guy you think him to be) and you seem to not have the confidence to keep yourself out of that kind of dynamic. Correct me if I'm wrong about that.

Talk to your pharmacist about the pros and cons of that pill and decide then.

P.S. You're not evil incarnate so stop with the shame. You know you'll not do it again and you've learned a life lesson. The End.

[Kealy]

I'll take your advice and try to fade out on this guy.. he may not really be very interested in me anyway so I probably don't need to worry about fighting him off

I guess you're right and I know I have problems with confidence and self esteem, and doing stupid things like this doesn't help. It probably sounds like I'm blowing this situation out of proportion but it is a big deal for me to sleep with someone and I am kind of surprised at myself. I know lots of people have one night stands but I never thought I would and I just feel like kicking myself for it! I'm really trying to not care what my ex would think, and I am sticking with no contact, it's just not easy, as you know. Apart from feeling ashamed about last night, a tiny part of me thinks it is good that I did what I did, in the respect that I found someone else attractive and actually enjoyed it at the time, which proves to me I will find someone else someday who makes me feel those things, cos I never thought I would.

[Wakeup]

which proves to me I will find someone else someday who makes me feel those things, cos I never thought I would.

There ya go.

Keep this in mind: There is always someone else that you will find that is better (or just as good) than the last one... eventually and always. The heart is a big place and there's plenty of room for whom you choose to let in. Choose wisely.

[smackie9]

Thank you so much for making me feel a little better. I am worried because I am not 100% sure he wore a condom in the beginning cos I can't entirely remember but he was wearing one when he finished. I am thinking I may have to go and get some emergency contraception tomorrow just in case (stopped my pill when months ago).. what a mess.. god I just feel so cheap and dirty. I was never raised to think it is acceptable to sleep around and I am really angry with myself.

I think you are right that part of why I feel so bad is that I keep thinking 'what would ex think, he would be horrified and hurt and he would never believe I would ever do this'.. I know it doesn't matter what he would think but I can't help but linger on it and feel really bad. I know I will never be doing this again, ever. The guy is nice and didn't make me feel used or anything but I want no more to do with him... but also he is texting me and I feel that if I don't respond it will cheapen last night even more. Ugh I am soo disgusted with myself

Just be honest with him. Just tell him that it was just a night of fun, and thank him for being such a gentleman. Sleeping around and having a one night stand out of weakness are two different things. You had a moment of weakness.....so what we all have them, it's not the end of the world. No laws were broken and no one was murdered....like I said it was just sex.

[smackie9]

a tiny part of me thinks it is good that I did what I did, in the respect that I found someone else attractive and actually enjoyed it at the time, which proves to me I will find someone else someday who makes me feel those things, cos I never thought I would.

You just focus on that.....you will be ok.

[Kealy]

Thanks for making me feel better. I just feel like I can't tell my friends or anyone cos I wouldn't want them to know. I'm sure none of them would judge me but I still feel embarrassed and it's so unlike my personality. I do still feel ashamed but nothing can be done now and you're right it's a lesson learned. Think I'll steer clear of alcohol for quite a while now.

[Amber2011]

god I just feel so cheap and dirty. I was never raised to think it is acceptable to sleep around and I am really angry with myself.

If we're honest. I think most of us have had a one night stand at some point in our lives. I'm a lot older than you (in my mid 50s) and I did something similar 30 years ago. It was a one night stand that never was because nothing actually happened, but being brought up similar to you I felt really bad with myself for a long time. I look back and chuckle now. I did have a drink that night but knew what I was doing.

Stop beating yourself up and add this experience to your personal University of Life. Learn from it and where alcohol is concerned, don't drink so much that you don't know what you're doing.

Put this behind you.

Bit of advice I got from a dear gentleman friend some years ago:

"Always remember tomorrow is the start of the rest of your life"

In other words, let the past go and look to the future

[Kealy]

Thanks Amber. I have been working all day and haven't had a chance to get to a Chemist to get the morning after pill... now it's probably too late right?? I am sure it is ok because he definitely didn't come inside me without a condom (sorry to be so detailed).. so it's probably ok?? I've never had sex without being on the pill before so I've never had to worry about it.

[Wakeup]

What do you mean he "definately did not come inside me without a condom on?" You said earlier that you didn't remember when he put the condom on. You do what you want but I think taking a pill is taking care of you. Afterall, it's far easier than having an abortion or, raising a child on your own.

According to a quick google. You have 5 days (120 hours). Your pharmacist will verify if that is correct or not.

[Kealy]

What do you mean he "definately did not come inside me without a condom on?" You said earlier that you didn't remember when he put the condom on.

I meant I am not sure if he had one on to begin with, but I know he did when he finished.. so reducing the chances by a lot. I know you can still get pregnant even if they don't come inside but it makes the risk lower.. I will try to go tomorrow. I just feel really ashamed. But you're right, much easier than the worst case scenario.