Lies, Lies, Lies

[mbgal]

Hey everyone. I live with my boyfriend. He is great! I have found out things about him that really surprised me. At first he told me that he had a gf but they broke up a year and a half ago, and that they dated for a year. Of course, it is expected that we have others before. I don't kow why he lied about that to me. Her number was constantly on his cell, and finally, I said that maybe he should ask her to stop calling because it was interfering with us. I have to admit, it did bother me somewhat.

Anyway, he said he called her one day and said to leave him alone. Until numbers were repeatedly on his cell, sometimes 4 times in one day. He said that he had no clue who it was. It made me suspicious. There were times when I would walk around the corner and he would hang up his phone immediately. He never checked his voice mail with me around, and I find this strange because we live together, and shouldn't have things to hide.

I called her to ask her to leave us alone, that he was trying to move forward. I was shocked when she said that they broke up in May and lived together for three years. She ended it with him, but he still resided there when we were getting serious. I didn't know that. Those repeated numbers turned out to be her work numbers, from both jobs, and her cell number. She told me that they were calling each other weekly, sometimes more, and that he always called her. I asked why her numbers were always on the phone and she replied that she was returning his calls.

She then said that he drove into the city a month ago and took her out to lunch. I was hurt! Why is he doing this? I asked him and he said he just met up with her to return their apartment key. Why couldn't he just mail it? I didn't understand.

Also, sometimes he would go to the bank, and he would have no money. He said that he was helping her pay off her debts, and his account was at the bank she manages. He said he was sick of her taking out money, which I find hard to believe. We drove to the city and he said he wanted to close the account he had at her bank and revert back to hisl old one, which relieved me. He went to the bank and came back, saying he was so happy to get rid of any reason for her to contact him. The next day she wanted to talk to him and I said the since he closed the account, there was no reason for her to contact him. She said, "What do you mean? I am looking at the account right now." I was upset. He said that he closed it, and now I feel like he is keeping it open so she could keep taking money out for her bills. I asked him about it, and he just said that he only kept it open because he was expecting some money to come in the next day. (it never came)

For the weekend after all of this, we went to the city and shopped around. I felt that I could maybe look past his lies and move on. But, while we were in the city, he called her while we were at the mall. I walked into a shop and he said that he needed a rest. He called her twice while I was in the store. After I came out, we kept shopping. I never knew about these calls until he said I should call my aunt, her number was on his call list. I asked him about it and he said that he just called her to tell her to leave him alone. I said it was fine, and it wasnt until a week later he confessed that he called her to talk to her because he and I were having problems, and she is a "good friend". He just failed to tell her that we were having problems. He didn't even mention me.

To me, it seems like he just wants to keep her in the background. The day I talked to her, she said he asked her if she would move to the town we lived in! He said that he didn't mean to say it that way. I didn't believe him because we live 4 hours from her. Why would he ask her that. He even invited her to come skiing with us..he said he meant with her boyfriend, but she doesn't even have one.

I was upset because he called her at the mall, twice, shortly after we talked about having children. i dont' know what to think, except that he still loves her. He vehemently denies it, but his actions show otherwise. He always told me that me wants to marry me and have children, and that he never wanted this with anyone before. She said he asked her all of the time to get married and wanted so badly to have children with her. He admitted it, saying that of course he wanted to with her seeing as they lived together for so long. I always thought that it wasn't a serious relationship, as he explained it. Now, all of our moments when he said these things to me, are ruined.

What do I do? I feel hurt...Please give me some advice. Why does he lie to me?

[Junsui]

Why are you still in this relationship? You know he's lying to you and is in constant contact with his ex. You need to get out of this relationship.

[Tone]

I agree with Junsui. Get out and find yourself a REAL MAN.

[Lloyd95]

Longest.........paragraph...........ever.

[mini696]

He lies because it is easier than explaining the truth to you. He may still be in love with her. There could be a few reasons for him calling her;
- He could be after someone to vent to about your relationship, and an ex is someone who knows him well enough to give opinions.
- He could be trying to get back with her
- It could be completely innocent and he's just being friendly
- Everything he said could be true and she's lying
- Everything he said has an element of truth to it and because you dont lnow the whole story you are thinking the worst.

[whaywardj]

Since you can't know what to believe, you're living with a stranger, despite the fact you may have sex with him now and then.

[mhussain]

i honestly found it hard to read. could you please like repost in paragraphs, makes it easier. Thanks

Hussain

[gHEXjt]

Longest.........paragraph...........ever.

I agree w/Lloyd.

You need to get out of this relationship now. This is a situation you don't want to be in, and you will be able to find someone who doesn't spend all their time sneaking around doing weird stuff. You have reason to feel hurt that he calls her all the time. The fact that he constantly says he'll stop calling her, and then still does, shows he's never going to stop. Just get out now.

[bluesummer]

Not to mention the fact that he's probably just holding onto your relationship because he's skeptical he can get her back......but he's going to try anyways. Do you really want to be the number 2 girl in his life?? Because that's what you are, even if he won't admit it, or maybe doesn't even realize it.

That was the final straw in my relationship with my bf. Couldn't cut off contact with some girl he once left me for.....even though I told him it was damaging our relationship. Said she was a nice girl and it was important to him to keep her as a 'friend'. Well, obviously his priorities were a little screwed, and so are your bf's. Do yourself the world's biggest favour and tell him to go back to HER.

[mbgal]

I apologise for the long paragraph. I reread it and it did strain my eyes. Sorry!! I have never really posted before anywhere, but I guess I will take the comments and use them constructively. (Lloyd)

Thank you for your insight. I need it to try to figure this out!! I have read your responses and I think that they were what I sort of expected to hear. I guess I did feel like I was just the second choice, seeing as how important she was for him to keep her in his life, even if it meant hiding it from me. It is just strange to hear it so bluntly..but then again, that is what I asked for isn't it? It is hard to try to think these things through, especially when we live together.

There has been no contact with them lately, but that is due to the fact that he called her and said she shouldn't call him anymore. BUT, it wasn't because HE didn't want to stop..he told her that he couldn't talk to her anymore because I didn't want him to and that I would get mad. I was angered by this because he basically used me as an excuse to end their contact.

He says that he truly loves me and that he has never loved anyone like this before. I want to believe him, yet I think about the marriage and children part that he also said that about.

I haven't talked to anyone about this but my sister. I have not mentioned it to my family at all. I think that they would be upset because they believe that he is the "perfect" one. In truth, I was quite devastated when I found out all of this stuff. I have put everything of me into this: honesty, love, firendship, companionship, trust. I have never had reason to lie about anything. I just wish that he felt the same. Could he really love her that much? To jeopardize us? He swears that he has no feelings for her whatsoever, that he actually hates her. Yet, he also said that she is someone who was always there for him, and a very giving person. I feel like I can't match up and it sucks.

[whaywardj]

"I feel like I can't match up and it sucks."

That in itself should be enough to compel him to do whatever it takes to eliminate WHATEVER it is about the association that is causing you discomfort. Your peace of mind and well-being are supposed to be formost in his thinking, aren't they?

Evidently, they're not.

[gHEXjt]

He's just screwing around w/you. He calls her all the time, he goes to see her...Yet he hates her? That's a joke for him to even say that. And you shouldn't be upset that he told her she shouldn't call anymore cause it would piss you off. That's not an excuse if its the truth. You should just be pissed in general for the way he's acted. Bottom line is that this guy sounds like a real horse's ass for the way he's handled this situation and constantly lied about it. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship.

[Lloyd95]

I agree w/Lloyd.

QFT.

___________

[mbgal]

He's just screwing around w/you. He calls her all the time, he goes to see her...Yet he hates her? That's a joke for him to even say that. And you shouldn't be upset that he told her she shouldn't call anymore cause it would piss you off. That's not an excuse if its the truth. You should just be pissed in general for the way he's acted. Bottom line is that this guy sounds like a real horse's ass for the way he's handled this situation and constantly lied about it. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship.

Hi. Yes it did upset me; however, what got me angry was the fact that he stated strongly that he didn't want to talk with her, yet he couldn't say that to her. He explained to her that I was the reason, not that he didn't want to associate with her. Know what I mean? I think he just couldn't hurt her feelings or something by being blunt with her.

And, yes, I am pissed off over everything. I don't understand why he would do this to me. It makes me feel sick, literally, when I think about it. When we talked about why he went to see her, and take her out for lunch, he said the he didn't think it was important for me to know because it didn't mean anything to him. I did not believe that for one second. He says that me and my children mean more to him than anyone ever has in his life. He is great with the kids. The love him too. I honestly thought things were perfect with us. I did not think for one second that he would do things behind my back. It hurts, a lot.

I told him that he was being very selfish, and not for one second, considering how I would feel, IF I ever found out. I believe that he didn't think I would find out, seeing as I have no idea who she is, and their circle of friends in the city.

Oh yeah, he said he was going to close his bank account today. I am left with nothing but doubt. I love him, but it is hard to for me to realize that he just may not love me with the same capacity. "The second option" is what it feels like. Am I going overboard by trying to figure this thing out like this? It is bothering me immensely.

Thank you all for your input, I appreciate it so much.

[Junsui]

I wouldn't believe anything he says. He has lied to you so much by now. How can you remain in a relationship and call it love when there is no trust or honesty? You love what you thought he was.