What do I do?

[my95]

Hi all,

Would like some advice on my situation please.

Met this girl at a coaching session I run, about 4 months ago. Coached her once a month for 3 months as a group and asked her about herself and she asked the same etc each session. Soon as I saw her I was attracted to her, and even more so when I got to know her. Third time I coached her I had thought by then she wasn’t interested as was always really shy, so I didn’t say much, told her I was buying a new car last month and she asked in that third session if I had got it yet, which I did. After the coaching we walked out the sports centre and she started walking past her car to mine, so we chatted, and were both going to Tesco for shopping so went together. We had a game of squash two mornings later, then had a lovely meal/date afterwards. All was good from both sides, but then she told me she only wanted to see me once a week about 2 weeks in (going from 5 nights a week seeing each other) so I panicked and she wasn’t a fan of that, so we agreed on 2/3, however we saw each other in local places most nights so it was 5 nights we saw each other (however she never said anything again about this). Went on a few more dates to various places – Whitby, Seahouses etc which we both really loved spending time together. When I said I couldn’t do 1 night a week, she said it was maybe best to stay friends, so I panicked again. Went over to hers the next night to talk about it and persuaded her against the friends thing (she didn’t like and wasn’t used to loads of attention via text on a daily basis/dates/seeing someone 5 nights a week which put her off).

Bit about her past – she was with a guy for a year and got cheated on 4 times. Told me this was a month before we started dating and at first I thought she was over it – god I was wrong (she told me it was only a week before I started seeing her the night we split off, but said she didn’t want to tell me incase I thought she was using me as a rebound – not the case. All seemed well, we went out in town on the Saturday night, then up to Kielder for the day on the Sunday. We got back to hers and she fell flat out asleep on me, woke up, and then fell asleep again, so carried her up to bed. She woke up about 20 mins later while I was half asleep next to her then burst out crying for 30 mins straight (never seen someone cry so bad). So I asked what was up, she wouldn’t tell me, so gave her my phone and she wrote it down, then couldn’t let me see so told me. She said she still isn’t over the feelings for her ex and it wouldn’t be fair to still see me when my feelings would get stronger whereas hers wouldn’t. She also told me she hasn’t got that full romantic spark for me, even though she tried so hard to feel it, but says part of the reason she can’t is what happened with her ex. She wrote on my phone – ‘I like you but just don’t think I can be fully with you. I feel like I’m still heartbroken and I’ve tried to let that go so many times and can’t seem to. It’s frustrating me and making me feel unhappy because I know you like me a lot and I don’t want to hurt you in the slightest. I try to forget how I’m feeling and focus solely on you but I can’t’. So tried to persuade her again, but she couldn’t be, so I left and knew that was the end as she was definite on her decision.

Haven’t spoke to her for a week now which was via text (met her 4 months ago, dating for 1 month, last saw her at coaching 2 Fridays ago). When I saw her I spoke to her about how her day went and things were with her just as a friendly chat. Then asked how she was feeling about us since that night, and she went ‘fine’ which upset me but maybe she was covering herself up? We both said that if either of us saw anyone else it wouldn’t be nice, she said it would feel ‘weird’ but I said it would only feel like that if you still have feelings for someone, and she disagreed. I asked her what put her off me – she said I know you’re a fit lad and talk to quite a few girls but I can’t deal with that, so I said ‘as friends yes, I’m not looking to pursue anything with them ever, they help give me advice on relationship things (I know her ex chatted to other girls and she knew that). Next thing she said was ‘when you send topless photos you could be sending them to anyone’. Told her ‘you know how much I like you, and that spending 5 nights a week with you on top of full time work etc (we spend most of the weekends together and I slept over on both nights generally and sometimes through the week). I have no time to see anyone else’. Just seems obvious that she is really hurt/ paranoid still and struggles to trust from her previous relationship however she said she does trust me, which I can’t believe after hearing those two things. It hurts me to look back at all the photos we took together, seeing her snapchat stories and things on Facebook, but I can’t let them go. I even still haven’t sorted the bag of my stuff that I have left at hers over the month we saw each other as it brings back memories.

This girl is everything I want long term, has a good job/future, nice house, genuinely lovely caring person (would make tea for me all the time which I find very cute – even if we just met at the sports centre and went back to hers). She even said ‘we are too much like a couple’ which we were, however we were only dating, so I know she isn’t anywhere near ready for a relationship, even though she told me that when we first started dating, and it didn’t bother me as I would be happy to date her for a year without the tag.

I know she still likes me but just won’t see me again I don’t think as she thinks I can do better and thinks it’s unfair on me since she hasn’t got the full spark. I think she is doing fine by herself as we speak. However I have been really down since. I think giving it space and time may be the best option I have, as she knows how I feel about her, but I’m not sure which is why I would like some advice with all of this please?

It hurts massively to know she likes me, but can’t see me and probably won’t again in that way because of how she is feeling, if she closed the door and said ‘I don’t like you’ then I would take it on the chin, but I know she will always like me as she said she ‘loves/d spending time with me’ etc.
Complex situation but maybe someone can summarise the best thing to do/how she feels etc.

Ask away if you need any more information, I know it is all very muddled up however this is really important to me and I’m just too busy typing away. She is 25 and I’m 22 and we live within a 5 min drive of each other – she has her own place whereas I don’t (living with family as wanted a nice car for a few years first).

We have agreed to stay as friends for the moment, i'm planning on not contacting her i.e. giving her space, however it is her birthday on the 6th so i'm going to drop her a birthday card by when she isn't in, with a bit of humour in, and i'm sure she will message me saying at least a thank you.

I've been on dates with other girls since and seen an ex for something casual (and hinted I had been seeing others to her using a snapchat story to have her guess that I am/see how she reacts - she hasnt reacted at all but views all my stories), however in the cinema the other night, I couldn't help but think and be sad about the cute times we had on one of our first dates at the cinema, and I felt bad as I was there with someone else - just cant get over her as she honestly means the world to me and I just want it to work out sometime in the future)

Thank you so much!
Matt.

[Snow White]

Again, this is another situation of someone hearing and seeing only what they need to. She couldn't have been more honest with you about how she feels regarding a relationship with you. Yes, she likes you. Why wouldn't she? You seem very nice. I do think you scared her by being so needy to spend more time with her than she was ready to give.

The fact that she is still hung up on a boyfriend who cheated on her 4 times is a red flag. She is use to being treated shitty. Until she can feel better about herself, she won't be able to appreciate someone like you. You can't force yourself on her, or make her feel that "spark" for you. You need to move on.

[Hooo!]

tl Dr version
Girl is not over her ex but likes guy.
However girl is not deeply attracted/seduced by the guy („no spark“).
Guy wants her.


So if you want to be with her then go do something about it.
Date her again or do something fun or whatever.