Truly, please tell me what she is thinking

[creg2011]

This might be a little long but it is deep, juicy and painful.

I was with my girl for 3 years, we met abroad, travelled together and even stayed with both of our families during our wanderings. And we were both DEEPLY, DEEPLY IN LOVE.
during the first 2 years we weren't ever apart for more than about 16 hours a day ever. The plan was always to get me to move to Australia as it is her home and not a bad place to live. Everything was finally coming together this year, and after spending new years and Xmas with her and her family, and given a firm tongue lashing on Xmas eve by her for not having asked her dads permission yet to marry her.

Anyway I went back home after that leaving her for the second time ever while I waited for my final paperwork to move here. This turned out disastrous as the necessary paperwork ended up taking 3 months to arrive. After 2 months apart we were talking about the merits of a job she was offered and I suggested she take it. First major mistake. I also bought an engagement ring 2nd big mistake.

After being apart for 3 and a half months she had been at this new job in a new town for 2 weeks before she cheated on me.
she phoned and fessed up nearly straight away and admitted that having cheated on me she did not believe we could make the relationship work... and everything since then has been out of character. Her morals and ethics are usually better than my own , she is stubborn and strong headed, so I know straight away that she is ashamed of herself and believes what she says; she had often gone at me about spouses who cheat before and how she took back a cheating ex and it didn't work out.

But I panicked, straight up tried calling her all the time, trying to convince her it could still work, made tons of mistakes including talking to her family, and 4 days later my paperwork came through so I hopped on a plane and went to look for her in this red-neck, Aussie shithole town.

When I finally saw her she made it as difficult as possible for me to get close to her (emotionally) because I know I can have an effect on her. Anyway I try and confront her about all of this but she just sulks and says little. But one day I do manage to get her to spend the afternoon with me. Much is said by me, little is said by her but by the time I took her out for dinner, there was a glimmer of hope.

a day later she texts me asking if she can see me again. I go see her after work and she tells me it's complicated because she has feelings for this other guy. I am thinking WTF!!! how can someone she has only known for 3 weeks invoke more feelings from her than me. She also admits that each time she sees me she doesn't know and changes her mind about making me leave town or not. Later while navigating this asteroid belt of a minefield she says that I am saying the same things as the other guy. Now I just lose my shit, I mean I have just flown around the planet and straight into this tiny town in the middle of western Australia, where I knew I was not going to get a great reception from the locals, and I am telling her that I love her enough to try and work it out, remind her of the promises I made when I gave her a much plainer white gold ring when we became de-facto partners.

The next day I get a text saying "I'm sorry for everything Best you get away from here and me. No rush whenever suits you"

So I think **** it. I go to where she works I tell her I'm here to say goodbye, I give her the engagement ring and tell her I considered returning it while I was at home but decided that she was still worth fighting for. I then told her it wasn't a proposal ring any more but I couldn't keep it. If she were willing to try again maybe in a few years we could be married (she always spoke of wanting to be married), I then told her I would be in town another week before leaving but would not say goodbye to her again, she could come and find me but I wouldn't go looking for her, if she wasn't going to even try fight for us then she wasn't worth it. Ended up seeing her again only a day later by accident but words were spoken anyway. to the extent that I did leave town.

I know its long and lacks much of the emotion and history but I tried to keep it to the most brief point. That she loves me there is no doubt in my mind. But I do believe she may be successfully, intentionally un-loving me. And I just want her to be strong enough to try.

To top it off I am (for the time being at least) still connected to her via the visa I am here on.
So please.
What is she thinking?

[pisces25]

But I do believe she may be successfully, intentionally un-loving me.
Why do you think this? Personally if I loved someone I would be intentionally loving them. I don't really know what advice to offer here. I sympathise with your situation and the fact you flew all this way to be with her however it seems to me like her feelings aren't reciprocated. Maybe when you were together and because you were together so often you were both blinded as to what was really happening in the relationship. It is easy to get caught up in your own little world with someone and forget that a life outside of the relationship exists. It seems this time apart has made her realise being in a relationship/marriage with you is not at all what she wants, even though she did think that before. Honestly speaking I think you need to accept the relationship is over and move on. Or at the very least give her the time and space she needs to sort out what it is she wants. Nagging her and acting crazy will only push her away. It sux that after all this time and emotional investment she seems to have developed feelings for someone else but just think, how rock solid was your relationship in the first place? I doubt she would have cheated if she didn't feel something was missing.

[Boisdevie]

Get real. If somebody loves you then you'll know. She obviously doesn't love you

[creg2011]

Something Was missing. I was missing, the commitment she had been asking for 2 years was missing. I know all this, and I know I reacted very badly by being in her face like that but when you are on the other side of the world having someon just cut you off like that is like being told they have just died. And I was recieving love letters and we were talking all the time thorughhout the 3 months we had been apart.

at first I figured she just couldnt forgive herself and the guilt was killing her. Now I don't know
I do know she does still love me of that there is no question.
That she doesnt want to be with me I don't understand.
That she might really never be with me again I am accept.
I had to come see her. I would never have been able to look myself in the mirror again if I hadn't our relationship has never been conventinal. That I have just pushed her farther away I realise, this aint easy you know.

[pisces25]

I do know she does still love me of that there is no question.

How do you know this?

[creg2011]

How do you ever know for sure?
But she has said as much, she still wears the original ring, I have been to see her and there were signsl a look in the eye, a moment. The fact that she couldn't tell me she doesn't love me says something too. I don't know.

Maybe she doesn't... I don't know.
I think my original post didn't describe well enough our relationship prior to a month ago. This is not the end to a mere fling. There were serious commitments involved. She is 32 I am 30. She was more ready to settle than me but we had been speaking kids in the last 8 or so months.

I am not delusional. Just ****ing confused. The relationship and love were always real. I am now wondering how a woman just turns all those memories, feelings, promises, desires all off? The things I found out later she said to her family and friends about me when I wasnt around, how much she loved me, how she didnt care about their big family gatherings she just cared about me, How happy I made her. Just normal things though, things she told me too, but with family you tend to be honest about your partners.

I know after cheating on me she would have felt one of or a variety of different feelings like guilt and shame but I also realise she would at that point have started questioning her feelings about me if she had cheated on me. It's at this point where I think my reactions did everything to ensure she would do it again and thus end the relationship.

But how do woman just turn it off. How do they make it all meaningless, not worth fighting for.

[Mathias]

She cheated on you. There should never, ever be anything after that.

Move on.

[pisces25]

Usually it isn't just 'turned off'. If it usually a process so I am sorry to say she quite possibly could have been feeling this way for some time and you didnt know, therefore it seems to you all of a sudden they have turned off. Or she was missing something from you and that was filled in by this other guy she got with. You actions and response to her cheating did not end the relationship. She ended it when she cheated.

[creg2011]

Well said. I agree.
I wanted her back like straight away. I thought I knew straight away what it was that was missing. ie me, and I still think it was (not justifying just stating) but am i right in thinking my kneejerk responses from across the globe made it harder for us to ever try again? I know it was too little too late but I got here as soon as I could, which with awful irony happened to be only a week after the cheating happened.

The reason I posted in the ask a female board is this: I know she told people after it happened but before I got to see her that she ****ed her life up and things like that. and if she always wanted to be married and I know she wanted to marry me (in the past at least) and while I was away I didn't reasure her enough that I was coming and she acted on whatever doubts she had by falling into someone else's arms (whether to confirm her uncertainty or out of desperation or loneliness I don't know). And then I rock up saying "look I'm here now like I promised and I know that you think youve ruined things but if we try there may still be a future for us" and i'm here with an engagement ring and full citizenship and everything, would she not be thinking maybe it is possible or did that just make her bolt more?

In other words I know I didnt end the relationship but have I blown my reconciliation.

[pisces25]

Sounds like you guys were not communicating too well on this 3 month period apart. Not blaming you for that, it takes two to tango just an observation. You need to look at it this way though. IF she did consider you to be 'the one' she wanted to marry she would have waited for you to sort out whatever you needed to. What is a few months in the rest of your life with someone? You can blame yourself for not reassuring enough and this sort of thing but I highly doubt this is the reason she jumped into the arms of another man. You stated in your original post that she said she had feelings for this other guy. And if that is the case then nothing you say or do, bad or otherwise, is going to make a difference. Do you really want to be with someone that only has half feelings for you because the other half are directed at someone else?

Forcing someone to see their mistake and forcing them into reconciliation is never, ever going to work. All I can recommend at this point is leaving her alone, figuring out what you need to do based on your current situation and maybe try and talk to her down the track when your emotions have subsided a little and you can approach it with some clarity. Who knows she may even contact you in this time. If she doesn't, then you have your answer and you are free to move on.

Stop torturing yourself with what she may be thinking. It is futile and will only serve to consume you. And try not to analyse your behaviour in terms of what you could or should have done. It can not be changed and more than likely did not really influence this outcome.

[creg2011]

I was going to reply with the question: would she lie about feelings for another person just to push me away out of confusion/guilt but I spose the answer to that isn't really going to help.

It is just rockingly painful as there has never been any doubt in our love for each other from day 1, at first I really believed she only saw no hope of reconciliation because of previous experience and not because she didn't still want to be with me even if she has feelings for him how can they outweigh the feelings for me in just 2 weeks.

To love somebody so fiercely a person has to know that the other person loved them that fiercely. Now that i'm here how can those feelings and memories, and emotions and attraction not have any bearing.

I know I sound like a lost cause, sad sack, lovesick romantic.
But I mean theres love and there is LOVE.
So maybe I am a lost cause

I agree That I have to just ler her go now though. That hurts.

[robert allen]

giving her time and space accomplishes nothing except allow her to be a whore until shes ready for something serious. if thats how its going to be then peace out. be glad your still young enough to find something out there thats better.

[pisces25]

But I mean theres love and there is LOVE
It is one and the same. And people fall out of love. It happens all the time. And it sux.

[NytNrs&Mmartist]

none of us can tell you what shes thinking. none of us are psychics.

ask a psychic

[creg2011]

**** it. I just gotta roll with the punches.

Thank you pisces25 not sure if you really answered any of my questions but you helped me level my head a bit.
For everyone else. it's complicated.