really lost

[confusedsoul]

Hi
I just joined this forum after seeing the posts for last month or so. to be frank, although my situation is same as everyone else, I want someone badly, to advice me or maybe just listen
I have been going out with a girl for 2 years or so..4 months back she told me that she needs some time and space ( i didnt know at that time what it means). We had been through rough times for 4-5 months prior to that. I would say I was the culprit to great extent, I was asking more time out of her and feeling insecure. This resulted in constant arguments but I still loved her a lot. when she first told me that she wants time, I stepped aside, knowing my mistakes and promised her that I am willing to work on the problems. Initially she also said that we wont be breaking up and that I need to be alone for a while and so on.... But over the time I have seen her changing, she says she is very busy and cant find time to think abt our problems, also the talk of lets try to be friends first creeps in.
Guys, I have made all the mistakes that maybe one shouldnt do in such circumstances. I have tried to show her my love, how much I care and how much I miss her. But now I can see what lies in store for us.
The problem is, our folks know about our love and approve it. We planned to marry and it would be a huge thing to breakup, and let our parents know that this has happened (i come from a society where such things are not digested well). I mainly care about her folks since I dont want them to feel that I was a complete jerk and didnt try to work on it. We are going to have a final talk in day or two from now. I really dont want to drag on things anymore. But i am afraid thats what she would ask for. The only reason why I could fall for it is because I dont want to hurt our parents unneccessarily if we could work on things. But I can also see how this has torn me apart for last 4 months, my work is affected badly and thats another timebomb waiting to explode...getting fired is last thing I want to happen.

Please help me. I want things to work betwn us, I have made mistakes and I can correct them. But I can't drag it anymore or break it and hurt our parents( because i feel there is a chance to get back together in life, and in such a situation it would give unneccesary headache to our families).
Is it possible to convince her that plz give it a shot just now, lets work on things...And if not shall I just breakup and tell my parents and walk on...( the parents aspect is important because it comes up daily, I know some of you might find it strange, but thats how it is)
thanks in advance for your help...

[squirrley]

2 years is a lot invested in a relationship. If she's asking for some time, give it to her. Youre going to be sitting wherever just monopolizing your thoughts on all the what if I had did this or didnt say this, and you have to start thinking about other things, as hard as it is, you just have to. For your own mental health. Trust me, Ive been there, it does hurt, no one can take that pain away except yourself. Dont make this about your parents, but yourself and your own state of mind, you come first. Its great that both of your parents are supportive of your relationship, and your parents being there for you is important, you need a support base.

As for the relationship, of course alot of people go through the same things, someone needing space or time, its hell on the partner who wasnt expecting it. All I can suggest is if you think about what's best for you, then you will know whats right for you. Youre going to ask ANYONE and EVERYONE for their advice in what you should you do, youre going to get different answers which makes it even more difficult, the only person you can rely on, is YOU. I know this may not help you, and you may not be looking for those anwsers, but take it from someone whose been there, I know it hurts, but do whats right for you. You'll find the anwsers yourself.

It would be great if someone made a pill to take a pain away, or just the thoughts, but find it within yourself to overcome it, theres always a reason why things happen, whether to good or bad, we may not see it at the moment, but, we're thrown curves in our lives to make us stronger. Goodluck to you, and know that you will be ok no matter what happens.

[confusedsoul]

thanks for ur help. I know i need to get my act together. Thats the reason I dont want to drag on these things. Actually I should have mentioned that we had long decided on this January end- discussion deadline. She was going to make up her mind about what she wants, either to continue or quit. But I am afraid she would say again,i need more time. I dont know if I am wrong, but isn't it lame to say that I couldn't think over it in last 4 months? I mean its such a imp thing of your life and that person comes to you and says that hey I was busy and I am really not sure what we should do... I feel no one deserves this. Thats why I want her to come to some decision just let me know once for all...
And since u said I should think about myself, I feel I should move on if she doesn't want to take any decision now... But its all too difficut when u are in love and guilt

Any thoughts?

[squirrley]

I wish I could help you on this one. To decide for you. Im the LAST person who should give advice on a situation like this, other than what Ive already said. If she doesnt know what she wants, and youre deciding you do, then make the call. But in all fairness, she sounds like she still loves you, just needs some time. When youre the one whose on the receiving end of getting that news..."I need some space" THAT time is hell, and you get frustrated and depressed and want to give up, and then other times you want to hang on, its an emotional roller coaster ride. BUT, you have to occupy your own time, do things that make you happy, dont rely on her for your own happiness.

All I can say is or suggest is take this time for yourself too, evaluate tihngs for yourself. Being in love is suppose to be wonderful and when its not reciprocated it hurts. But like I said hang in there, you've got decisions you make for yourself, thats the beauty of this, you have choices. goodluck

[confusedsoul]

I wish I could move on, get back with MY life...and still stay in love:). I can see what u mean, and it sounds so much what I should be doing.. I am sure I wont be able to break up (unless she says that herself)..Its just that she should also understand the pain and make some effort.
Well I hope for the best

[squirrley]

Well thats it though, you have to remember this isnt easy for her either, she does know she's causing you pain. But see what she has to say first, dont jump to any conclusions, and go in their with positive thoughts, and compromise. I was an all or nothing kinda person, and well, because of how I feel, I changed that to some degree, he has shown me alot of things. You'll know whats right for you, and for your relationship. Go listen to some pick me up music, like Trapt's Head Strong or something. You have to gear your mind up for positive things. HAVE TO!!! Keep a positive attitude.

[confusedsoul]

hi
thanks Squirrley..The time has come..I would have the talk sometime today..i want to stay strong ( more of calm) and see how things go. well whatever it is I will be back here as soon as I can..

[schueys_girl]

hey mate ive just started reading this post and thought i should write something to you. i have no idea how the talk you had with her went so please post back and give us some feedback.

Your going through a very hard time at the minute, and i think you knew what you had to do: give her space. all you came on here for was someone to talk to, i dont think there was a lot of doubt in your mind about that.

As for the parents thing, in my opinion her parents will be supporting of her, and yours should be of you. Im sure they understand that breakups happen, and that niether of you are 'jerks' and that you just need to move on. Some couples do talk of marriage and then it never happens. Being very close to a partners parents is very hard during a breakup, but her parents will never really 'like' you again. What they think of you is irrelevent anyway because you wont be anymore to do with her.

I think a lot of this worry is because you will miss her family because you have obviously got close to them in the 2 years you were together. But if the two of you really arent happy, and you had a bad patch of 5 months (a long time for you to rectify mate, i think this is where the girl is having her doubty) then you cant really stay together to keep both your parents happy. Read this outloud in your head 'i will stay with my girlfriend despite the fact that i am insecure and upsetting her and making myself unhappy because it will make our parents happy' and you will see how silly it sounds.

Sounds like at least space is a good idea because you being insecure only shows you need to work on yourself before you even consider the actual relationship xxx

[confusedsoul]

Still Hanging
might get to talk sometime tonight. I think I was ok in the morn, atleast like squirrley said "in positive attitude". but dont know somehow down the spine there are those jitters which I can feel now.
Anyway..thanks for your advice. I actually wanted someone to know what's happening in my life, it just hurts more cause at this point none of my family members,close friends know about this. And maybe I would have to get ready for a whole lot of talk with them(.

[Laguna]

frank

Don't you EVER say my name in another post AGAIN.

[Junket]

Don't you EVER say my name in another post AGAIN.

.............................

[Cybog]

To be quite frank with you, I don't understand why not?

Oops.

[confusedsoul]

guys
Sorry, I couldn't access the site for quite sometime and I was just restless about it..I was sending mails back and forth to customer service and somehow it started working today

I had the talk. She was still in the same mind-frame of undecidedness and was sure that nothing has improved over the period of time. So we came to conclusion that we need to end this thing. Her option was just be friends and lead our lifes. But I find it difficult to do atleast immediatedly. So I guess I will be shutting off all the contact and that would be it.
As you might have guessed, I need advice, is this a good way to deal with the situation. I am also not sure how to open it up to my folks. Please help me...

[schueys_girl]

Ok, cut all contact. It cannot be said enough on this forum. You wont be able to be friends, at least not for a very long time. No emails, phonecalls, texts anything. Stick to this and you'l be on the road to recovery a lot quicker than if you continue to put yourself thru the pain of speaking to her and seeing her.

As for your parents, surely if you get on well, and they obviously love you, they will be nothing but supportive and understanding of you and your situation. I cant understand why they would take your girlfriends side, or be angry at you in anyway for the relationship ending. They may be upset that it has ended as they liked the girl, but i really dont think you have anything to worry about, after all they are YOUR parents not HERS. Talk to them, and you may find it will help -x-

[confusedsoul]

Hey
Thanks a lot. Yes I have decided so and I hope I would be able to stick through it. And about parents, its little bit complicated than what I have expressed. They wont take any sides, just maybe make a hell lot out of it ( the whole "what society would say" kinda thing and maybe question "my judgement to take such a decision"). I know you would say who the hell cares about society (well I dont) but the elders wont see it in that manner.