Is this inappropriate or am I over-reacting?

[searock]

So I have this female good friend of mine, she was the first to know when my bf and I got together, I tell her lots about us and my feelings for him and she knows just how silly in the head I get when it comes to him. Jealous, insecure for no reason - all those annoying things that come with being in love. She and my bf aren't friends, they just know each other through me, although we all follow the same classes in college. They both have an exam coming up, which I already passed, and she is texting him and IMing him on skype about it a bit too often for my comfort. She does not talk to me about it or ask me things about the exam, even though I have already passed it like a week ago so I could really come in handy. Instead she talks to him! I know for a fact that he is attracted to her (otherwise I wouldn't care less obviously). I hate the idea of them developing a "connection", I get so insecure! I know that it's all too easy to get emotionally involved with a friend whom we find attractive - my bf and I were initially just friends, both taken, and we had an emotional affair going on for over an year before we split up with our ex's! So I am scared that it might happen to him again, with another person this time. My female friend is happily taken and in love with her bf, I am pretty sure that she isn't even attracted to my bf, but it's in her personality to seek male attention and to feel desired - more than any average girl I mean. So it seems to me like she is disrespecting the fact that he is with me! It pisses me off - my bf and I have female friends in common and even *they* (who are HIS actual friends too!) don't act the way she acts - they "respect" our relationship and don't cross any boundaries, as I wouldn't cross with any of my friends' bf. I wouldn't dream of texting and IMing my female friend's bf, I would ask HER to ask him, if I really needed something, and only after I was 100% certain that she was ok with it I would eventually contact him directly, and even then, not so often!

I just needed to get this off my chest really, I know it's no real threat because I know my female friend and I know she isn't interested in him. And I do trust my bf's rationality but not his "impulses", simply because I remember very well how he fell in love with me in the first place (I was the "other girl", he just loves the attention and right now he is loving the idea of me being jealous, it makes him feel like it's an exciting situation to be in). It goes without saying that he says I'm just being silly (in a good way), I totally agree with that but it still bothers me. I just don't want there to be even just the possibility of an emotional attachment to develop.

I am irrationally considering the idea of breaking up with him because I just hate feeling like I am not at the first place for him! This is definitely over-reacting I know, but at least do you think I have a point in being pissed at my friend's behavior?

[sadie_genie]

Your feelings are understandable. Just talk to him again and if he cares about your feelings, he would ignore her or avoid her. You should be more important to him than her. BTW, hate to say this but your friend sounds like a bitch.

[sadie_genie]

BTW...if after talking to him and he still belittles your feelings, that is a huge red flag and you should break up with him. I have been in a similar position before and like you, I was doubting about whether I was overreacting or not. Trust me, it is not overreacting! In fact, most of the time, there is probably more going on behind the scenes than you are aware of.

[searock]

Thank you. I'm glad to see that I'm not over-reacting. Yeah I hate to say it too, but she does act like a bitch. The fact that she *knows* how jealous and crazy over him I am just makes it even worse. Anyway, I'll talk to him again, but I don't want to tell him "stop talking to her so often", because I think it should come from his good sense, not as an imposition from me... They should both independently realize that it's just not appropriate and disrespectful I think. I'm sure she has no intention to make me feel like this, she acts like this with *every* guy she knows ("flirting" and trying to get a "meaningful connection" with them). It just pisses me off that she does it with him too while a) I would be a lot more helpful to her with the exam (which makes her being in contact so often with my bf quite unjustified), and b) she knows I get really jealous and insecure with him. I just hope I don't do anything rash like getting really angry and cold at him without managing to communicate effectively what I think/feel. As for there being something more behind the scenes, I'm pretty sure there is nothing "real", but I'm also pretty sure that in his mind he does enjoy feeling like he's being "pulled" by two girls that both "want" him (even though I really don't think my friend wants him). The thought of him thinking and feeling that way makes me sick!!!!

[miffy]

Aren't you actually overtinterpreting his actions a bit? So far, all you talked about was your drift on things. Besides him "texting and talking a lot" with her, nothing suspicious or flirty seems to be going on. If there had been an event that clearly showed there was something more than just working together or getting along was happening, you would have talked about it, I assume. So I guess you're only being insecure because of they way you got together - which is one of the main problems of starting a relationship like that. Not that you can change it or should - hey, I've been there myself. Also, don't hate him (or anyone, for that matter) for enjoying the feeling of getting female attention. If he actually acts on it and flirts around that's another story, but any woman or man enjoys getting attention from the opposite sex, whether it's legitimate or just "playing around".

To be honest, I think you ARE over-reacting, especially since you've talked with him and you know her and her intentions/feelings.

[searock]

Yeah I think you're right actually, I know that I get really insecure and jealous when it comes to him, mostly irrationally so and because of things that happened in the past (when we were still with our exes). I'm not worried about something happening between them, I'm just worried that he might like the idea of something developing, because that's how it started off with me and I know it can evolve, if the right conditions arise. It's not much the fact that he enjoys the attention, everybody does, it's that I know him and I know that when he feels the attention, he gets attached and even more attracted to the girl that is giving it to him. Anyway, I talked to my female friend about the exam, I told her if she needs anything I can help and I sent her some useful material, hope she catches my drift. But I'm not really angry anymore, I know that there are no "wrong" intentions anywhere. I think the thing that really set me off is the fact that they are IMing, while they could very well be emailing each other as most students who don't know each other very well do when they need to communicate about exams. Turns out they didn't have each other's email address, whatever.