Part 2

[Cain]

The other thread got too big and was filled with a lot of garbage, so I wanted to start another one with an actual update.

We talked last night. I'm glad we did because I kind of needed it. I wanted to move on, but there were just questions that I had and I needed to kind of get a feel for things. And I'm so damn glad because this whole breakup goes way beyond the things she told me initially.

It was hard seeing her moving on rather fast. What I mean by that is that she's not doing as badly as she thought she would. She's been doing pretty well the last week, and so I think the break will be good... for both of us. After talking with her, I know that I have things I needed to change no matter what... regardless of whether I end up with her or not.

I think we moved a little too fast. If we do get back together, I'm going to make sure things are taken a lot slower. I'm fine with that. I have plenty of time for my life to develop and I don't need to rush into things now. And if taking it slow is what I have to do to get her back in my life, I'll do it.

She told me other things last night, and so I learned what I think is contributing to the breakup and I know that by reverse-engineering those things, I have a chance at getting this relationship back.

I gave her opportunities to let me go. If she could have told me that she didn't love me or that she had found someone else or that she didn't see us ever getting back together, I'd have walked away and I'd have moved on. She couldn't tell me any of that. All she could tell me is that she didn't know if we'd get back together, but that she just knew that she didn't want to be with me right now... and honestly, that's the best thing I could have heard.

We both need space in order for this relationship to have a chance. I think ultimately, it'll work out in the long run, but I now have to make some decisions in my life... and I'd kind of like some advice on those and opinions on what I've stated thus far.

We've decided that we're going to go with no contact for a little while. She said she'd call/IM me by the end of the week to tell me what weekends she is free in September and I can choose which one. I don't anticipate on this being a "make up" visit. Honestly, all I want to do is have some fun with her. Do the things we did when we were together.. I don't mean all of the romantic stuff... I mean go out, have fun, and do fun things like we always did. Unless she brings up the relationship, I don't think I'm going to. This needs to be the reminder of what we had.

I'm also not going to contact her much. That doesn't mean I'm going to ignore her, but in order to get her back, I have to show that I have a life outside of her and that means not always being available to talk to her. That means that I need to live my life and take things one day at a time.

Regardless of how things go during the visit, I'm not prolonging it. Even if she tells me that she really wants me to stay longer, I won't. We need to end it on a good note and I think leaving with her wanting more would be the best way. I don't want to leave after we've drained the fun.

My issue is this: I graduate from my program in March and I have two options. She's mentioned that she doesn't think she's ready for us to move in together even if we do get back together, so I can either stay where I'm at... 4 hours away... and go to school for another year here, or I can move over there, work full time like I had planned, and live on my own and see what happens.

I'm 22. I'm still young. In my opinion, I think that as long as there's a chance that we can get back together, I need to take it. We didn't end because she cheated or because she's mean or a bitch. It ended because I think we both approached this relationship the wrong way from the beginning. I refuse to live with regret and wonder "what if"...

By the way, she is most likely not going to counseling. She doesn't think she needs it... and honestly, she might not. This might just be how she's coping with this. There are certain things about her that need to change, but whatever. When she went out to dinner with friends, she'd feel bad if I was at my house alone studying or just tired. She's definitely more social than I am and I think that was one of the problems, even though I was very social when I visited her.

Anyways, sorry for the long post.

[Cain]

Also, I touched on this but didn't finish. We're going on a no contact thing right now. After she tells me what weekends she's available, I'm going to tell her I'll let her know in a couple days after I work out my schedule. Then we'll not contact each other until a couple days before the visit... and then most likely, we'll remain out of contact for a month or so after that visit to assess how we feel and how well we do without the other person.

I do love this girl and that won't change. If she will have a better life without me, I'll move on.

[shh!]

My issue is this: I graduate from my program in March and I have two options. She's mentioned that she doesn't think she's ready for us to move in together even if we do get back together, so I can either stay where I'm at... 4 hours away... and go to school for another year here, or I can move over there, work full time like I had planned, and live on my own and see what happens.

I'm 22. I'm still young. .

I think because of your age, it is best to continue on with school and get your RN --> BSN --> CRNA. Girls come and go, and love feelings are transitory, but education lasts a lifetime.

[Cain]

I think because of your age, it is best to continue on with school and get your RN --> BSN --> CRNA. Girls come and go, and love feelings are transitory, but education lasts a lifetime.

I'm getting my schooling done no matter what. I won't let a woman get in the way of that. My only issue is how I approach it. If I stay here and get my schooling done here, there is most likely no chance that we'll ever get back together. If I move there, there's a chance that we might not get back together, but there's also a chance we will get back together.

Regardless, my schooling WILL get done.

EDIT: Looking at my post, I understand why there was some ambiguity. My plan when I moved there was to work full time and go to school part time in order to get some of the RN classes that weren't nursing out of the way so I could work on getting back in the habit of working full time and going to school full time. I've been doing quarters and working part time while I went to school. So, no matter what I'll be taking classes.

[Charlie Boy II]

you're actually sounding fairly sane.

[Cain]

you're actually sounding fairly sane.

I don't really know what happened. It was obvious that I was going to have issues with our breakup, but I was making it harder than it needed to be. She told me that last night.

I guess I just wasn't able to accept that if we do get back together, it's not going to happen soon. This will be something that takes place over the course of several months, if that soon.

I love her. That will never change. I'll always want to be with her... but I'm not going to let this breakup ruin me. If we do get back together, then we'll be even stronger than we were. If we don't, we'll both move on and hopefully have better lives.

Ultimately, I do hope that we get back together but there's no use thinking about all of that now since it's several months away at the earliest. All I can do is live my life one day at a time and take this thing between her and I one visit at a time.

[IndiReloaded]

Even your tone of your posts has changed, Cain. I think this is a good learning experience for you, no matter what happens. You'll do very well, hun, whatever you decide.

[Cain]

Even your tone of your posts has changed, Cain. I think this is a good learning experience for you, no matter what happens. You'll do very well, hun, whatever you decide.

Thanks.

This was the reason I wanted to talk to her about this. I needed the closure. I really didn't expect the closure to open my eyes up like it has. I still don't have all of the closure that I need, but I'm working on it and if she lets us have our visit, I'll have full closure.

And for once, I'm not going to think with my emotions. I'm going to do my thing and see what happens. I had packed up all of her pictures and the little stuffed animals she got me and was going to either mail it to her or give it to her when I visited her, but I don't think that's the right thing to do anymore. I'll keep the stuff packed up, but I won't send it to her until we're done for good, especially because it could give her the wrong idea and maybe make things a little harder for her.

I kind of wish I knew what happened though... like, what clicked in my head to make me realize this stuff. I'm not sure if it was just something I decided or if this breakup and the things she told me last night about what bothered her really got me thinking.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, what goes on between you & your navel is for you and you alone. Its good to visit those dark spaces between our thoughts occasionally, tho, so we keep growing. Sometimes, other ppl help by being our mirrors to help us see us for who we are. Or at least how others see us. Whatever happens b/t you two, if its caused you to grow, she has done you a service worthy of thanks. Not many ppl care enough to provide feedback. Most will just walk away from things or ppl they dislike without a by-your-leave.

Its the beginning of wisdom, Cain. Good job. Stay the course.

[Cain]

Well, what goes on between you & your navel is for you and you alone. Its good to visit those dark spaces between our thoughts occasionally, tho, so we keep growing. Sometimes, other ppl help by being our mirrors to help us see us for who we are. Or at least how others see us. Whatever happens b/t you two, if its caused you to grow, she has done you a service worthy of thanks. Not many ppl care enough to provide feedback. Most will just walk away from things or ppl they dislike without a by-your-leave.

Its the beginning of wisdom, Cain. Good job. Stay the course.

She's honest. And I knew that when it came time to talk about things, she would honestly tell me what was bothering her and she did. When I told her yesterday that it looked like she was handling it well, she could have easily tried to make me feel better and said that it was really bothering her but she was hanging in there. Instead, she said "I'm not gonna lie... I'm doing pretty well."

One positive thing about this situation is that there's still a chance we might get back together some day. I think, honestly, that if we weren't ever going to get back together, she'd be eager to run me out of her life completely. And as of right now, she hasn't done that yet. I think it shows that she still cares that she's willing to actually tell me what things she's felt went wrong, though she can't really pinpoint it. She doesn't know what exactly went wrong.

I still am hoping that the visit happens as I do still need the face to face. What happens after that doesn't really bother me right now. We're both single. We're both going to live our life. I'm not looking for someone else, but if someone comes around, I'll let it happen. Same thing with her, I'm sure. If I still happen to be single and we've been doing well come March, I think I'll move over there and do my schooling.

It was definitely a learning experience and I've thanked her for it.

[Cain]

Indi, do you have any experience with this kind of thing? I know that you and your husband had a kind of break, but you said that he sent you love letters, so I don't think it was an actual breakup, right?

I'm just curious how often, in the situation she and I are in, things end up working out again.

[IndiReloaded]

Cain, my husband & I have never had a relationship break of the sort you are experiencing. When I mention we were separated for almost a year, its b/c of the fact he started grad school before I did (he's older & came from the British system which is ahead of ours). That's when most of the love letters came. Otherwise, its just been the periodic times of troubles & growth that all married couples go thru. Even tho some of it has been quite serious, I don't think too much of it now as its par for the course, so to speak.

We did go thru a 2 week period where we each had a separate holiday to think about our upcoming wedding. Its just a sensible thing to do.

I did have a break from a BF in college & I did end up breaking up w/him. He's the guy who showed up unannounced that I mentioned. He & I just had different life goals (he's a lawyer now into politics) and I just didn't feel we'd be compatible over the longterm. But we got on quite well even after the break and there are no hard feelings. I've never had a nasty breakup of the sort you read about on here.

[Cain]

Cain, my husband & I have never had a relationship break of the sort you are experiencing. When I mention we were separated for almost a year, its b/c of the fact he started grad school before I did (he's older & came from the British system which is ahead of ours). That's when most of the love letters came. Otherwise, its just been the periodic times of troubles & growth that all married couples go thru. Even tho some of it has been quite serious, I don't think too much of it now as its par for the course, so to speak.

We did go thru a 2 week period where we each had a separate holiday to think about our upcoming wedding. Its just a sensible thing to do.

I did have a break from a BF in college & I did end up breaking up w/him. He's the guy who showed up unannounced that I mentioned. He & I just had different life goals (he's a lawyer now into politics) and I just didn't feel we'd be compatible over the longterm. But we got on quite well even after the break and there are no hard feelings. I've never had a nasty breakup of the sort you read about on here.

Yeah, I think that even if we do break up for good it wouldn't be nasty. I don't think we'd really be able to be friends though. The feelings would still be there and it'd be hard, even if we had bothed move on with other people.

Regardless, I'm not going to think about that. Right now, I have a lot of positives to look forward to and I'm not going to just assume we're done. I've got my life to live and she's got hers.

The only thing that bothers me about her is she's fully into believing in "everything happens for a reason." I don't believe in fate. I blieve that life is what you make it. She, on the other hand, believes the opposite. She feels that if we're meant to be together, it'll happen... whereas I believe that if we're going to be together, we need to make it work. Not just sit passively in the background, you know?

[IndiReloaded]

The 'everything happens for a reason' mentality is useful for ppl who have a hard time accepting that they are ultimately, completely responsible for their own lives.

As she gets older & more confident in her abilities she will need this concept less. If you are more evolved in your thinking in this area, avoid the tendency to take away this security blanket from her. Lead by example. She'll get there in her own time.

[Charlie Boy II]

"Everything happens for a reason", God how I hate that.