I hurt someone. How do I move on, or should I move on?

[Phantome]

Wasn't quite sure what to put in the title... but that covers it I guess. I'm not really looking for any answers or suggestions, although you're welcome to post them. I'm mostly just trying to see what other people think of the situation.


Two years ago I was in a place with several other people who had personality disorders like me. We lived together and I eventually found myself in love with one of them, I'll call her Anna here, though it's not her real name. Anna and I had been working quite closely in keeping the place where we lived running and it was stressful, I think thats what started it for me, but it was the first time I had ever been in love, at the age of 24.

I bought Anna a valentines day present, she accepted it but was awkward around me for a couple of days. Finally she talked to me and said she wasn't interested, in a nice way, but it still hurt. I ended up getting very drunk later that night. I don't remember doing it but I was told later that I went into her room at 1-2 in the morning, she woke up and screamed and I left and went back to bed. No-one has ever said that I was trying to do anything violent to her or anything like that and I don't believe I would ever have hurt her intentionally. But it looked pretty bad on the face of it. I believe I went to talk to her, but being drunk I didnt really consider the time.

I was kicked out of that place after that. I texted Anna to say sorry and told her I would delete her number. Which I did. 5 months later though I found it again saved on my phones backup and I ended up texting and calling her while drunk again. She replied to the first text with something like "I forgive you, I know you're having a bad time and I hope you have someone to talk to, but it can't be me" I must have sent more after that because I got a call from the police warning me to stop. I did and made sure I no longer had her number.

It's 2 years almost since that time, valentines day approaching makes me dread it. But after all this time I don't feel any better for what I did to her. Maybe I don't deserve to. I wake up and think of her, several nights a week I dream about her. Any mention of her or things that remind me of her leave me feeling like my heart is collapsing in on itself.

More than anything I want to talk to her. Not because i think I can have a romantic relationship with her now. Firstly to hear what she thinks of that event and what she thinks of me. But also just to be able to talk to her, the occasional e-mail or text, thats all. Just for her to feel like I'm worth being a part of her life again. We used to be good friends before, I thought. I know she has no reason to do that, she's probably moved on and doesnt even think of me now, or worse she is still badly hurt by it. Either way I desperatly want to know. But know that if I try to contact her it may hurt her more, and makes me look like a stalker.


I'm stuck with where to go really, I can't forget her and move on, She consumes my life completely but the only way out of it seems to be what this forum is always trying to stop. I don't mean I'm thinking of killing myself, I've been there and tried that. I can't do it. But I don't know how I can have much of a life feeling like I do now. I know what I did to her was bad, the whole thing was a mess, but it was my first time being in love and I have mental health issues as does she. It's not an excuse, but it's been a long time and I have to find some way past this before I go insane. Perhaps that's what I deserve... but I have to get on with life somehow.


Thanks for reading, it's long i know. I'd appreciate peoples thoughts on it.

[Asip4u]

You're being a little too harsh on yourself i think. Yes you made a mistake and you weren't in the right frame of mind but mistakes happen and you need to learn to move on. A lot of us are in a mess but we need to work on getting better and slowly puting our life back on track. It's not easy but nothing is. Take small steps and you'll get there. She has already forgiven you too so now you need to forgive yourself.

[Lite]

Uhm, she forgave you. Now you just need to forgive yourself.

Oh, and you should probably stop drinking.

[BeingAlpha]

It was a small incident and she has forgotton about / wants to forget about it -- just let it go. Thats how you move on...how you move on is by doing right by her and leaving her alone. She has sent the message loud and clear that the only way you can make ammends is respecting her wishes now. Make sense?