Lost and Broken

[rush]

First off, I need to say that this is more just a release for me. I need an outlet and although I know I can probably just write it down in word or something..I guess I need a listening ear as well.
Secondly, I hope that I can summarize this without going into a novel /grins
Third, to anyone who views this [if they do], Thanks for being kind enough to do so. I may not be able to solve anyones or even my own issues, but..hopefully someone out there can relate.


6 years ago I met a female who was a friend of my sisters. I live in Las Vegas and when she visited we spent the weekend together with a friend of mine and her sister.
The weekend was a blast and eventually through a period of weeks our relationship became tighter.
She was attending school for the medical profession and it was very slow going for her.
Eventually, I asked her if she wanted to move out to Vegas and continue her education and a year later she did so.
It took her nearly 4 years to complete with some off and on times but she did it.
During majority of that time, I took care of finances and made sure she had pretty much everything she needed. I took care of Rent,Car [and insurance] credit cards, mobile, food and utilities.
I did this without a hesitation [for the most part]
There were alot of times that we argued. Sometimes the stress got to us. Couples do this, I understand. I always felt part of that was because of her blood [shes puerto rican /grins] and some of that was me.
I know I was not the shining star of a boyfriend and I as well take blame for my actions. I lied [about stupid things], as well at times when her mouth got to be to much I became reclusive and spent alot of time on my computer.
This was not the wisest thing to do and she let me know it.
But, no matter what..I knew it would blow over , i just did not think it would have a long term effect.
It did.
It came one night that I found out from text messages on her phone that she was seeing someone else.
I was absolutely devastated. I couldnt believe she had done this.
Her blame was I denied her to much, for which I can accept, however...with me making sure she had no worries in the financial area of her living, this was just a slap in the face. At least tell me, make arrangements to go elsewhere and move on. It still would be devastating...but, at least it would be honest.
Eventually, we reconciled...I accepted my faults and so did she.
Looking back in retro, Im wondering if it was not because of her "needs".

By year three of our relationship, we struggled but maintained. Arguments did occur but we both loved each other and got through it until...
I lost my job. It was totally my fault and without going into details of that, I will take the responsibility for it.
Since she was in school, the money I had saved went fast and 7 months came around and she was using her college money to assist us where we needed it. Hard times came again. And although she resented the fact of what I did, she did help out alot. However, she worked a part time job and went to school which she said was to tough to manage. Our relationship was on the rocks once again. But, with support from my family..we were able to rebound and eventually I got back in the saddle with a great paying job.
During that time however, her grades slipped and she ended up dropping out of the semester and ended up having to retake the entire semester again.
Again, I feel that I screwed up, I will take this to the grave with me. At the same point, I feel that it shouldnt have been so burdening on her. Im not making an excuse here, but...people all the time go to school and work even full time jobs and make it happen. She said to me directly...."Not Her'.
I totally felt this was an excuse for her with a sense of laziness.
I dont know...maybe that is bad for me to say.

By year four, I was in my new job and things were going "ok".
Again, we still argued and at times she made me feel inferior.
She talked down to me and made me feel like "wtf"
Her actions however were like a Jekyll and Hyde.
One minute she was nice and loving, the other..stone cold.
I always had to watch my step and never knew what to expect.
But, I loved her...and dealt with it. Again, I know I was not the shining star SHE wanted either.

My job had its ups and downs, as all jobs do. I am a chef and I worked long hours. When I came home, at times, I just needed to unwind,sometimes, the unwinding period was long.
I looked to my computer and games to take my mind off the strain of the job,finances and the badgering from her.
I still maintained my goal in seeing her succeed and remained loyal and dedicated to both of our causes.

The exec chef at my job asked me if I would be interested in taking a job in another state opening a hotel as his number 2.
This seemed almost to perfect as it would be better pay, a better position and near the coast where we both wanted to be.
After discussing this with her, it was agreed I would take this job.
Little did I know that we were not on the same track of thinking.

The day came that I left and because I felt that I had been perfectly clear on my intentions of taking this job and her thinking the opposite, we went into a deep state of arguing.

The next couple of months, even though I continued all the support, we eventually started to slip. She finally came to me and said we should take this time away to get our heads and our feelings together.
Although I hated this idea, i mean I loved her deeply and did not want to let her go. We had not had a solid chance, even with all the time we were together that we were able to stand as independents. I knew when it was all said and done, when she finished school, we would be in a much better place.
Financial stability would strengthen us and any relationship for that matter.
There were three months left on a lease were she lived and I said I would support her with whatever she needed, however, at the end of the lease she would either need to renew or get a new place.
Eventually, she let it go by the seams and at the end of the lease she had not found a place, until the day I got a phone call from her.
She told me since she was unable to find a place that her only alternative was to move in with this guy. And guess who that guy was...The guy she had screwed around with on me before.
Once again..I was dumbfounded and could not believe what I had just heard.
I told her, I could not go on like this...I was calling off anything to do with her and I would NOT be supporting her in any way, shape or fashion.
At this point, I thought that this was truly it for us. I was not about to care for her , support her financially and be mind #@*& by her all at the same time.
A period of weeks went by and at times she would call and we spoke of how things were with her. It progressively got worse for her. She would call and say how he treats her and how it was pure abusive. And, I was the shoulder to cry on. I felt bad for her and said if she can find her way out of her situation, I would yet again...help.
She did so, and yes...once again, I went back like a little puppy.
She went into a female friends situation and are relationship actually strengthened by three fold.
I honestly believed this was the best for us and for a time...it was.

During the period of year 5, we saw each other frequently. She eventually graduated and received her diploma. She needed to be certified in her field in which I paid for that certification.
Almost immediately she received a solid job offer in which I felt she would be foolish not to take. She did.But now, this set our plans back as we had discussed prior to her moving out with me.
As the months wore on, it was a need between us both to be together. I went weekly on my days off to see her, but..it was not enough.
By the holidays of year ending #6 it was agreed upon that we both wanted to be together and made it happen.
Eventually I found myself back in las vegas. However, even with my contacts, I was unable to find work. Lets face it, just like anywhere, the economy isnt the best. I just couldnt find any work.
I had one major job potential that took nearly a month and a half to go through when they offered me the position only to find out that this company was questionable and possibly a scam or worse.
Still, I tried to find work but failed to do so.
Our relationship took a sever tumble. She was now supporting me and I could tell should hated every bit of doing so.
Arguments became daily with maybe one day out of the week that was good.
Words like "disgusting""resent""burdening" often came from her mouth about me.
On the good days, sex was said to be "just sex",yet, I still carried the love and emotions from it.
It came down to a huge argument in which she began saying all the time..."leave". She knew and I knew I had no where to go, I had vested everything I had in coming back.
Finally, she broke the relationship off and gave me a date in which I had to leave.
The law states in my state that if someone has lived in a residence for a period of time, they are considered just that, a resident. An eviction process must commence and court would have to happen.
One argument, with her knowing this, she called the police on me. The authorities in essence said the very same thing. She was attempting to do whatever she needed in order to get me out.
Then, three weeks later, we were discussing what I would be taking with me when I do leave. The items I told her which were rightfully mine to take enraged her. After all, it was nearly all mine.
She became so po'd that she started screaming at me and came up to where I was sitting and leaned over to pull all the plugs on my computer gear and then started spilling components on to me.
In order to not only protect myself AND my property, i got off the seat and pushed her away. She then called the police. I admitted to pushing her and was arrested for domestic abuse.
I have never ever been in trouble with the law. Not even a moving or parking violation. I am now awaiting my court date and have a restraining order against me.
I spent two days in jail.
Complete devastation.
I sit here now still in a complete daze.
I wonder how this all went wrong and what will happen now.

Again, I may have not been prince charming,but I also feel that when you take on the task of someone's well being it isnt because you have to or even want to. There has to be some deep feeling you have for a person.
I loved her...I STILL love her and I feel as though I shouldnt.
I cannot have contact with her and find myself wondering what she is doing.
My whole life is shattered. I have nothing to show for it.
I may be facing even more jail time pending the outcome of this trial,although...I have been told it will be classes and fines ,probation etc.
I guess in a nutshell, I just do not know what to do nor do I know what to think anymore.
My trust is diminished.

I speak from the heart here friends...I know of nothing else now and I completely lost.

Im sorry to have bored you all to tears on this now "novel", again, I guess it was just a way to vent.
Thanks for taking the effort if you read all of this. And if your in this situation, fear not. You are not alone.

[Tunstall]

With a restraining order against you, there is nothing you can do to contact her in any way to work the relationship out. At this point, you have to rebuild your life and move on. Getting a job is the most important aspect of your life at this time , or you will end up in jail again. Just freindly advice. She obviously had lost enough respect in you to be compelled to do what she did. Personally, I believe she used the law to get you out of her life. This happens all the time. Obviously, what she ultimately did to you could haunt you for years to come, which is why I don't condone it. But, all I can say is, unless she lifts the restraining order, you are powerless to do anything to get her back. You have to except that and move on. After all, why would you want to be with a woman who would arrest you for shoving her?

[davidtorres]

You were used from the way i see it from your stories. Let it go and go on with your life. It sucks but thats the only thing you can do. Success is the BEST REVENGE.

[misombra]

that's fuked up.

[rush]

Thanks so much for the reply,
Your right, I do need to work which I have since done,although out of state since I cant go near my house. Work will take my mind a little off things for the moment.
I guess my track of thinking right now is that I just cant believe after 6 years of being together and 4 of them were spent taking care of every need,how she can do this to me.
To think that through periods,actually alot...she wanted to get married and I just couldnt pull the trigger. I always said there was a list of things we/she had to accomplish before it would happen. Now, I am looking at as if was a subliminal safety precaution. I cant imagine the train wreck she would have taken me on if we had.
Sad thing is, I do still love her....and for the life of me, I cant see how or even why.

[IndiReloaded]

I could have sworn this was already posted earlier. ??

[Yggdrasil]

You got screwed over. Learn from it and next time you get involved with someone, be more carefull.

That's about all I can say about it.

[misombra]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCapHXrKZXk"]YouTube - Rush - Ghost of a Chance (Live 2008)[/ame]

[rush]

Misombra,
Your point is made....it made me smile. =O)
Thanks for the re assurance.

"I don't believe in destiny
Or the guiding hand of fate
I don't believe in forever
Or love as a mystical state
I don't believe in the stars or the planets
Or angels watching from above
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance we can find someone to love
And make it last..."

[Cbrider]

Its not a ghost of a chance, there are women out there who would be eternally grateful for the lengths you went to. To be honest, you should never hit a woman, but if she's going to go on a rampage like that, restraint is in order. Unfortunately the law is the law and its pretty clear. I think if you explain yourself to the judge and what has happened, you will be in a much better spot.

After reading that whole thing, I see it as a case of her milking you for what you had honestly. I mean she did love you I am sure, but you gave her a free ride through her college years for the most part. She's an extremely volatile individual, something that I would never put up with and hopefully you wont again. This is not the end of things for you, yes its a speed bump in life but who doesn't go through hard times?

It could be worse, my cousin moved into a house in California. The neighbor came over and introduced himself and explained that he was a registered sex offender. Talk about a bomb shell and it gets worse. He was a registered sex offender for having sex with an underage girl when he was 18. The real kicker in the story...the girl he had sex is his wife, her parents brought the charges, not her.

Things could be much worse, keep your head up, you will make it through this shitstorm.

DM posted this in his signature at one point I think. I remembered it because its so true: "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."

Fate and destiny are non existent, you write your own story.

[misombra]

calling the cops was the ultimate fuk up on her part. if she did that to me i would beat the hell out of her just to make it worth it.

domestic violence charges are hard to beat. some jobs do background checks and will not hire you simply because of those charges, whether they were pressed or you were convicted or not.

i want to slap girls who call the cops on guys who don't deserve it.

anyway, the song really didn't mean anything. it's just your name is rush and that's one of my favorite rush songs.

[misombra]

here's another one lol...

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYkUre8FWIQ&feature=related"]YouTube - Rush - Dreamline - Live 1994[/ame]