Avoiding the friend zone, but still not getting in there... what do I do?

[pisces7378]

I need some help. I have known this girl for about a year. Pretty much ever since we met, there has been, what I have perceived to be, romantic tension with, i.e. there's been "something there".

The first time we talked, we hit it off. I have degrees in film-making, and German, and I lived in Germany for 5 years. She is still in college, majoring in Film, and was born and raised on a military base in Germany. We like the same music, we are both cynical sort of judgmental snobs, but only in a playful way. We get along, really as if we've known each other for years. And this makes me like her a lot. She's also cute. She's not GORGEOUS, but she has a look that really makes her soooo attractive to me.

Well, after about 3 months, I had gotten to know her. I knew that she lived three doors down from me on my street. She ended up giving me her phone number one night because I offered to come fix her bicycle.

Well, eventually I did call her up and made what I thought to be a date. We ended up spending that whole day together, which was a great time. And at the end of the night, we ended up back at her house with beers, and us making out on her porch. So, in my mind it was ON! Right?!?

Wrong!!! I would call her or text her, and as long as I was being absolutely superficial, and only talking about the weather, or some film, or music, we were cool... but if I'd text her, asking if we could get together sometime or go out for dinner... she'd instantly stop texting and it'd just be radio silence.

So, I just took the hint, and stopped talking to her. Because, although she is a really cool person, and I love being with her... I have enough friends, and I made a pact with myself to not end up in the ****ing friend zone, watching some girl that I am attracted to date loser after loser. **** that middle school bullshit!

So, just when I had written her off, she texts me and invites me over to her house. (Weird.) But I go, and we had a fantastic time. But now she has taken to basically making fun of me all the time. It's of course always playful. I dunno, it's weird. So, I took her back out onto her porch, and asked her what was up with her. I told her that I'd like to get to know her. She acted like it was ME that ignores her messages and plays it too cool etc. So, I was like, well here's the deal. I think you're cool, and I'd like to get together with you and get to know you more, do you think we could work something like that out?

She smiled, and told me that we could definitely work something like that out. And when I left, she was all like, "Text me when you get home." Since I live three doors down, I was like, "Okay, but I think I'm going to make it." and she said, "Text me anyway." So I did. I said, something about looking forward to getting to know her more. And she texted back, that she was too.

Well the next couple of days, I would try to arrange a day when we could get drinks. And AGAIN she was weird with text messages. And then finally she sends me one that says, "I really like hanging out with you for sure, but I can't say that I have any other feelings for you. I just don't know you that well". This really sucked, because A). Just the night before she expressed quite the OPPOSITE sentiment, and B). No shit she doesn't know me that well, which is precisely why I have been trying to "get to know her better."

I waited a day, and then sent her back a polite message basically saying, "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. It's cool. I was just trying to get to know you better, but if you aren't feeling it, then c'est la vie right?" I left it at that, and wrote her off... again.

Well, just like before, a month went by, and as soon as I had all but forgotten about her, she texts me and wants to bring me my hooded sweatshirt that she borrowed like 4 months prior when it was cold out, and she stayed over at my house and we talked on my porch until 7:30 am. So I said, "Well I'm here, so just drop it by whenever you feel like it". So came in, and we talked for an hour. I gave her the new Alicia Keys CD that I had burned her as a Christmas present. And we talked. It was cool. I had pretty much resigned myself to just talking about the weather, and I didn't even care. Whatever. She's a weird girl. I can be polite. And I was.

Then she started texting me more and more. Always just friendly stuff; about how she loves the CD, and what kind of time she was having over Christmas break at her parents house etc. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't be her "BFF" or end up in the friend zone, I really do just like her a lot, so I am not going to just be like, "Look, screw you."

But, I decided to give it one last valiant effort to see if she's down with something more than just friends. When she texted me, I told her that we should get together soon, and let me buy her a drink so we can talk about her Christmas and her family. (Her mom has breast cancer, and lives 13 hours away, and I've always asked her how she's doing etc). So, she was like, "Definitely! We should. Call me sometime this week."

Well, she didn't wait for me to call. She called me yesterday evening, and asked me what I was doing, and invited me to come to this bar for happy hour drinks with her and her girlfriend (who I also know). So, I went, and we all ended up going out to dinner, then going to the movies. So, it was great in my mind. But then she just jumped in her car, and was like, "Goodbye everybody!"

So, I know I can't read anything into anything... but I'd have to say, She'd have to be from Jupiter to not know that I am feeling her. I even sent her a text when she asked me to come to the bar for happy hour that playfully said, "I'll only come, if we can call it a date, and I can pick on you for asking me out. (smiley)). She wrote back just a smiley face and the word "Nope". So there is playful dialogue.

And I KNOW that she feels SOMETHING for me, because she gives off all the usual girls signs. She doesn't ever really know what to say around me. She makes fun of me a lot as if we're on some 1st grade playground. And she almost CANNOT look me in the eye when she talks to me. She seems nervous, and this girl NEVER seems nervous. But I might just be an idiot.

What do you think I should do? Just lay it out there for her AGAIN?!? And please don't just say, "Forget about her!" Because obviously I've tried that, but she keeps coming back up, and besides... I really like this girl.

Any suggestions?

[someone3]

man, this is difficult..i'm gonna be honest, i'm not really sure why she would be acting this way. maybe she's afraid of getting into a relationship or maybe she's not good with the whole dating thing. she might be confused about her feelings toward you. if you really like this girl you may have to be patient. maybe try spending time with her in group settings for the time being if that's what she prefers and go from there.

[LailaK]

She sounds exhausting.

I've tried to date guys that are a lot of work. It's no fun and just leaves you with a big headache.

Tell her you are tired and don't want to play these games with her. If she is interested in "getting to know you better" great, you can deal with that. If she still doesn't know what she wants after all this time she should let you know because you are going to put more effort into finding someone else.

Trust me, if a guy I liked said this to me while I was playing games I would cut the bulls*it real quick.

~L

[thrillaveza]

yeah it's kind of obvious that when coming to relationship, she might be kind of immature. it's just my opinion but i think she's kind of scared of the terms of tying down in a relationship. i honestly don't know what to do. cause i'm pretty sure she must have or does feel some sort of thing for you; she just probably doesn't know what to do about it.

umm if you want to get the answer you can straight up ask her what the **** is going on? etc. tell her how you feel and tell her to bypass the bullshit.

though it may not get you the answer you desire, at least you'll get it out of her.

[lhn]

Weird one. She's playing games and sounds like she doesn't appreciate just how 'into her' you are.
Time for her to drop the sugar-coated crap and wipe away the bs. Either she does or she doesn't. If you don't want the whole friend thing (which I absolutely empathise with - watching them date others etc is crap!!) then you're within your right to ask her to stop treating you like some kind of bouncy ball.

One way or the other please... you need to hear it from her.

[Gigabitch]

She's a pain in the ass. Do you have any other girls lined up? This one seems to be playing cat and mouse with you.

[pisces7378]

Weird one. She's playing games and sounds like she doesn't appreciate just how 'into her' you are.
Time for her to drop the sugar-coated crap and wipe away the bs. Either she does or she doesn't. If you don't want the whole friend thing (which I absolutely empathise with - watching them date others etc is crap!!) then you're within your right to ask her to stop treating you like some kind of bouncy ball.

One way or the other please... you need to hear it from her.

Yeah, I think you are right. I am definitely not afraid to lay it all out for this girl. I really have nothing to lose. If I do nothing I will never get her, and if I lay it all out there and she says no, then I still don't have her... so who really gives a shit right? I'm fine being all by myself. I would just like to be with her.

The only thing that makes it a point of nervousness for me is the fact that if I go for it with her, and she shoots me down, it will be pretty embarrassing for me, because we have a lot of mutual friends. Crashing and burning is crappy enough without knowing that every time I see all our mutual friends, they are thinking, "Poor bastard!"

But whatever, no guts, no glory, right?!? Playing life totally safe never got anyone anywhere.

[pisces7378]

She's a pain in the ass. Do you have any other girls lined up? This one seems to be playing cat and mouse with you.

She is a pain in the ass. But to be 100% honest, I kind of like it. It is were REALLY a pain in the ass, I'd just drop it all together, but for some reason I am so freaking excited by this little cat and mouse shit. I mean, I'm excited by it as long as it ends in my taking her to bed at some point soon.

If it ends in her wanting to be best buds... then screw that!

[Sanctuary]

She is a pain in the ass. But to be 100% honest, I kind of like it. It is were REALLY a pain in the ass, I'd just drop it all together, but for some reason I am so freaking excited by this little cat and mouse shit. I mean, I'm excited by it as long as it ends in my taking her to bed at some point soon.

But whatever, no guts, no glory, right?!? Playing life totally safe never got anyone anywhere.

You must really be in love with her to even think like that and let her pull this shit on you.

How do you like that carrot being dangled in front of you? You're not gonna get it; go for those radishes on the ground instead.

[Chaserr]

You must really be in love with her to even think like that and let her pull this shit on you.

How do you like that carrot being dangled in front of you? You're not gonna get it; go for those radishes on the ground instead.

haha i love how this guy puts it, i totally agree. i am in a similar predicament myself and im only going to play it out till the end of this weekend before i say **** it, i really REALLY like this girl as well as you probably like your girl.

Just go for it man, you have nothing to loose.
You can't loose anything you never had.
if she likes you then she likes you, if she doesn't then she doesn't.

[pisces7378]

Just go for it man, you have nothing to loose.
You can't loose anything you never had.
if she likes you then she likes you, if she doesn't then she doesn't.

I agree. And that is exactly what I plan to do. I am going to set it up though. I am going to not contact her for at least 2 weeks. And then I am going to call her, and tell her that I am cooking dinner and watching a DVD tonight, and I want her to come over around 7:30.

If she doesn't want to come, then **** her. If she comes, I am going to try to kiss her. And if she isn't cool with me in that way, then I will have to tell her that all my "friends" slots are full at the moment, and to not be expecting any calls from me.

We'll see. I think she might just go for it. Mostly because she is so young (she's almost 21). So she will most likely go for it, because in my experience... 20 year old girls ALWAYS go for it, unless there is some major issue.

But we'll see.

[Chaserr]

get to the part of watching the DVD before you make a move, and make sure you touch her a lot. dont just go in for the kill or it might just shock her. so by you touching her every now and then then it will let her know, unless shes stupid, but i doubt she wont see it coming.

[MVPlaya]

So, I know I can't read anything into anything... but I'd have to say, She'd have to be from Jupiter to not know that I am feeling her. I even sent her a text when she asked me to come to the bar for happy hour that playfully said, "I'll only come, if we can call it a date, and I can pick on you for asking me out. (smiley)). She wrote back just a smiley face and the word "Nope". So there is playful dialogue.

And I KNOW that she feels SOMETHING for me, because she gives off all the usual girls signs.

What the hell man? You said your intent, she responded with NOPE, and you interpret that as "there is playful dialogue"? In between the two parts of that text message, the Nope and the smiley face, you chose to give more weight to the smiley face? She's not interested, friends is all you will be. She enjoys your company, you have a lot in common, but she is letting you down easy.

Lets look at the other clues, besides the fact that she refused to let you call it a date but put a smiley face so you wouldn't take it too personally, your one chance to go out with her consisted of her bringing a friend with her, to avoid letting the situation turn into a date and making it more 'hanging out' like, and her leaving early with a very casual goodbye. Not to mention that all your previous attempts have resulted in rejection. This girl does not know how to say no directly, so she gets quiet, awkward, and non-responsive when you come onto her. It could very well be that the reason she isn't making eye contact with you is because you look at her expectantly and she doesn't want to return the feelings.

How many times do you want to be rejected by this girl? I know, you've got stuff in common, you like her, life's a bitch, so move on.

[TheWizard]

If you enjoy the game of cat and mouse (and this is a really fcuked up game of cat and mouse...) then keep her on the sidelines and invest in other women. Let her see that while you're playing the game you're not hanging around forever... if she can't hang out with you because you have other date plans when she asks it puts the pressure on her to put up or shut up.

I think she enjoys the way you make her feel, like a confidence booster. Definitely put most of your energy elsewhere but keep her at a lines length. The only way this one will work out is if you start reeling in other fish and she notices and starts to get more aggressive and stop playing.

best of luck, this stuff sucks haha

[LailaK]

She is a pain in the ass. But to be 100% honest, I kind of like it. It is were REALLY a pain in the ass, I'd just drop it all together, but for some reason I am so freaking excited by this little cat and mouse shit. I mean, I'm excited by it as long as it ends in my taking her to bed at some point soon.

If it ends in her wanting to be best buds... then screw that!

I haven't visited this thread in a looooong time but I'm glad I did today.

I'm usually luckier in love than I have been recently. I used to be one of those girls who acted confusing, and played a bunch of games so a guy never really knew where he stood. It was fun and I got a lot of attention from guys for it.

Somewhere along the line I decided to listen to one of my stupid guy friends and just behave genuinely with guys. No bs, you know. I'm beginning to see that was a huge mistake. Most guys are like you. They enjoy the game.

Thanks for the reminder. I will be returning to my bitchy game playing ways.

~L