Broken Heart | Help me please!

[JfnL]

Okay, I have been basically destroyed by this, I have busted into tears almost every day for the last week, it's eating away at me mentally and making me feel like I'm alone.

First I will tell you about myself, I am 20 years, from Scotland, and a decent person, I am not a saint, I make cruel jokes between me and my mates, but, only as jokes and only with friends, other than that I feel like I am a good hearted person, I give whatever I can afford to charities for animals and starving children, it's not much, just whatever change I have, I also do my best to make sure my friends are ok when I know they're upset, but, my flaws, or the main ones, are I am a bit immature and when it comes to relationships I am inexpierienced to quite a degree, but, my last girlfriend keeps on trying to get me back, so I must have done something right. Also I am pretty lazy, I hate that about myself and am working to change that as hard as I can.

Onto my physical appearance, which may have alot to do with this, I am pretty overweight, something that has caused me great stress throughout my life, also I do not think I am an attractive person in any way shape or form, I have been told different, but, I think it was just people being nice :/

Now, onto her, she is the best human being I have ever met in my life, she's so full of spirit and has such a beautiful soul, but, I have seen her being hurt by so many people in the past, she has been dumped and thrown out into the rain in the middle of the night, then her next boyfriend cheated on her, then the last one actually hit her! (my mates told me this, I never even met the guy) And every time I see this happen to her I can't help but think "I would never do that to her, she deserves so much better!" and then a few days ago she tells me she may be getting back together with the boyfriend who cheated on her! My soul litterly fell apart, I could not believe it...

About a month ago I asked her out and she said this to me "hey ***** got your mail n yeh its soon so i wonna wait a good while before seein someone again. But tbh i dont think its a good idea tbh but only cos i know i would end up hurting you :/. I seem like a nice lass to be with but im really no im dead controlling n jealous of damn near everything said to another girl n get bored of guys easy and its one rule for me and another for the guy :/. So tbh i just dont wonna hurt you or mess you about and i really dont wonna loose you as a mate. I dont want you to think ima bitch or tht I thikn Im too good for you or tht cos i dont think tht. Soz xx" and it hurt me so much, she said she is a bad person to go out with, but, I don't care, I just want to make her happy, but, ever since this we have had this awkwardness, like she hates me or something, but, then about 3 days ago we went 2 whole days having fun over facebook, talking the way we used to when we were mates, I had never been happier and I thought it was all back to normal, but, then she told me her ex who cheated on her asked her back out and she was considering it, I must have responded badly or something, because, it has just been awkward again since then and I just want to be back where we were! :'(

I love her so much it hurts, I just want to be with her or for us to be proper friends again, I forgot to mention, whenever I try to ask her to hang out, she kinda goes silent and then comes up with an excuse or offers to hang out for like 30 mins with her mate with her


I realise I have droned on for ages, but, here's where I need the help:

A) Should I just leave her alone and let her forget about me, because I think everytime she talks to me she may be like reminded of the fact that I risked a great friendship over what she might think is just a physical attraction, which it is not at all. I feel like I will never get over this, but, if me leaving her alone for good will help make her happy, should I?

B) I doubt she cares about appearances, she is too nice of person for that, but, I was going to get in shape, get a job and a flat and then ask her to hang out in a few months and tell her how I really feel then tell her I changed for her. Does this seem like too much?


So what should I do, this is the most important thing in my life right now, I would throw anything else in my life away just to be good enough for her, please help me.


-Jay

[smackie9]

Don't throw yourself under a train for this girl. She has some major issues that you are over looking here. She dates abusive guys, which means if she doesn't have drama in her life she feels she has no self worth. It's a vicious pattern she keeps falling into....she thinks she can fix this asshole and he will reward her with unconditional love, that's why she keeps going back. You are a nice guy and she knows this, and she knows she will get bored and ditch you which in turn will hurt you.....she has done it already.

It has nothing to do with your appearance, it has a lot to do with they type of guy you are. She doesn't want nice, she likes assholes because they are challenging to her. She's bad news and isn't going to change. So working out, getting a decent job blah blah blah isn't worth doing it for her. Do it for yourself. If you feel good about yourself you will attract the right kind of girl.

[smackie9]

P.S. you deserve so much better even though you don't feel that way at this time. I hope someday you can move away from this and heal your heart.

[JfnL]

Thanks for the advice, I should mention she didn't know these guys were scum untill she dated them for a while, she ended up not going back out with her ex also and me and her will be hanging out, as friends, pretty soon, I still love her, but, I feel alot better knowing that we are where we were when we were in College again, just good mates

I still want to be good enough for her, but, it won't hurt me as much if it never happens, just as long as we are still friends, thank you for the help xx

[JfnL]

Well, this did not last long, my mates decided to have an outburst at the girl I'm in love for for the way she's treated me which has ended in her just not talking to me at all, I was actually happy for once, I was actually in a place I was happy with, being friends with her is better than her hating me! I sent her this message:

"Hey, I just talked to ***** and *****, I want you to know, I didn't want them to say anything to you, you have done nothing wrong, I made things wierd by asking you out, and I am just being a wee bitch because I know it's my fault if anything has gone to shit, I never meant for them to say anything bad to you or that, they read into it their own way, I was just telling them that I thought you didn't want to see me because I felt like a dick and I wanted some advice, I am really sorry, I'd understand if you don't want to talk to me again, sorry xx"

The truth is, if she doesn't talk to me again, I'll feel like my life has ended, don't worry, I am not suicidal, but, I won't have anything to live for, this will destroy me... probebly my last message here as I won't be needing love advice if I feel like I'm never going to love again... Smackie9 has given some great advice to me, you're a good person, hope you have/find that someone that I couldn't get! x

Bye guys, as good as this forum is, it won't help me now :/ </3

[smackie9]

Goodbye cruel world??? Hardly. Your friends will help you pick up the pieces. You wont see it now but down the road you will realize how foolish you are for throwing your self under a train for someone who wasn't deserving of you.

You need to place more value and self worth in yourself....a person cant give you a life, only you can. If you are so devastated about this I suggest you book an appointment with your school counselor for some guidance and support.

[JfnL]

N'ah not "Goodbye Cruel World", just feel like my life is ****ed for now, she just messaged me telling me that my mates also told her I was in love with her and I just feel ****ing embarrased, she seems to be alright with it, but, I dunno, just so cluttered right now, I was freaking out majorly and stuff when I was told they had a go at her!

I am talking to her just now, so, we'll see what happen lol

[JfnL]

Had a good talk with her, they also told her that I was in love with her, which for about 5 mins made me feel like my world would crash down, but, she said, she was cool with me being in love with her, I'm guessing I'm not the first friend to fall in love with her, so, she must be used to it by now, as long as I can still see her it's cool, just things are so complicated, I have a plan to get better looking and get my life on track, mabye one day I will be good enough for her, because, even though she won't admit it to me, she must see our friendship is essentially ruined to a certain degree. But, I know she doesn't care that much about appearances, I just want to show her what I'd do for her, I know it may sound a bit creepy, but, I just want to be the one guy who never treated her like an object rather than the amazing human being she is!

I know it seems like a bit much for me to care about someone who I have never even dated! But, I promise, she is worth me going through all this heartbreak for, I know I will never be her "One and Only", but, I just want to be "One" if that makes sense, if me and her could have a good run, if I could be a better boyfriend than the last 3 she's had, then I'd feel like I would be happier than I could even describe because I'd at least feel like I had some sort of positive impact in her life!

And if I could make her happy in any way what so ever, then, I will be happy.

Wee bit bored so I will give you a little bit of info on her, as all I've really said before is she dated alot of assholes.
She has this like... EPIC, GLOWING personality that just makes you feel amazing to be around, she doesn't care about looking a bit wierd or making a fool out of herself that much, she did TWO volunteer jobs at a vets, because she loves animals and wants to help them, she was the only person to hug me when I found out my cousin had passed away after her suicide attempt (I think when she told me I'd be ok, was the moment I knew that all my feelings for her were more than just a crush), she has a strange obsession with Pineapples lol, she makes me smile whenever I see her name pop up on my face book or whenever she sends me a text, she has really soft skin and light hair (she used to get a bit TOO close to me every now and then which is why I know that lol), she is the only person I have ever given this much time and thought about and probebly the only person I would jump in the line of fire to save!

Random facts that make me happy just wanted to share them with you all, I doubt that is enough to make you see what I see, but, those are a few things that I love about her!

[smackie9]

You can have money, looks, better body, and treat her the best, but that doesnt make someone fall for you. It's much more complicated. She makes you feel like you are on a cloud, but in no way that is what it is like for her and never will be no matter how much you flex your muscles, or throw your coat over a puddle for her to walk over....its not what attracts. Its chemistry....if she doesnt feel it she doesnt feel it with you.....you cant prove nothing to her to love you....you are hanging onto a string to a deflated balloon.

[JfnL]

Not trying to "make her love me", I just want to go out with her and be like a regular boyfriend, treat her right, I doubt she will fall in love with me, but, there is no harm on dating for a while, long enough for me to show her there are good guys who will treat her right and not the way those bastards have, I know she doesn;t love me, but, if I can help her find love then I will have done something good with my life and I can move on, if that makes a shred of sense lmao

[smackie9]

Dude it doesn't work that way ever. Never put a girl up on a pedestal, and worship the ground she walks on....THEY DON'T WANT THAT! In fact they hate it and you look like a needy wimps ass. BIG TURN OFF. You are being desperate and to a girl you look pathetic. That is why she will not date you. Like I said, it doesn't work that way, that is why you are still alone. You are doing it all wrong.

[JfnL]

But... I haven't done any of this yet... so how can that be why she won't date me? lol, if I lose the weight and all that and she still says no, then it's not as if I'm at square one, I'm going to be alot more attractive (hopefully) and be more confident, it's not as if I am thinking she WILL say yes and we WILL go out and WILL be happy forever, I know there is a massive chance she will say no again and I'll be hurt, but, I'll have lost the weight and be healthier for it, so I don't see the harm lol

Also, I'm not going to show up at her door with my new looks and just tell her it was all for her, IF she gives me a chance then I'd tell her somewhere down the line that it was because I wanted to show her how much I care, that I'd do that to feel that I was good enough for her, I know you want to help and you have, but, she is pretty much the ONLY motivation I have in my life at the moment, to be her friend, to be there for her, even if I can't be with her, this is all I really care about is for her to be happy with or without me. You have given me some great advice that has helped me see that it is not the end of the world if she doesn't want to be with me, but, if there is a tiny chance I can be a part of her happyness, then, I'm going to take it, no-one can change that, sorry.

Btw I just noticed this:

If you are so devastated about this I suggest you book an appointment with your school counselor for some guidance and support.

I am 20, lol, left School when I was 15 for College, pretty sure me turning up at the School asking for advice would be a pretty bad idea lol

[smackie9]

I thought you were in college.....they have counselors too.

[smackie9]

OK I have a tip for you....women are different in the way they think, and feel about men, just like men think differently about women. With guys, you are more geared towards the physical, while women are geared towards their emotions....so looking fit, and attractive isn't enough to attract......it takes a girl 7 seconds to know if you are BF material of not. She goes by your vibe, pheromones, as well as how you carry yourself. Her decision is final, she isn't interested in you no matter. But you will increase your chances when meeting other women. Like I said they go by instinct. Ive met very attractive guys, BUT they didn't do it for me....I had no sexual interest in them. Yes we are very complicated indeed, even being a woman myself, I find other women complicated, too emotional, and off the chart way of thinking that makes me shake my head.

Once you get into your new routine, you will start to feel better emotionally too, more energetic, and happy.I also suggest to you to study up on new things, find some new interests, read some books, join a running club, try hiking with friends.....get out of those bad habits, and gain some good ones. Remember all you need to do is baby steps, and then walk, then before you know it you are running at top speed.

[rafterman]

Join the Army, trust me you'll get fit and women.Its a win,win situation. This is my experience.