How do I break up with my boyfriend of 3 years?

[Top Cat]

I will try and keep this detailed, but concise.

I was 14 and he was 18 when we first started going out. The first year was perfect, no arguments, I was smitten and worshipped the ground he walked on. The second year we started arguing here and there; nothing major, just a rocky patch in comparison to what our relationship was like at first. The third year we go through stages of arguing about nothing at all, really frequently and then being perfectly fine for a few weeks, and vice versa.

This has been my only real relationship and worst of all, today is our 3 year anniversary. But a few months ago we had an argument and he wanted to go on a break. Later than evening he rang me and we ended the break, it was literally for about 5 hours. But I went to my friend's house during the 'break' and she had a long talk with me. She was originally his friend but she said she knows me better, I'm a better friend to her and she can see I have ambition that I'm too good for him (in a nutshell).
Since then there has always been a niggle at the back of my mind, which has been slowly growing, and recently I've realised that I am not happy in this relationship. Various people that I am close to, ranging from family members to friends, have said that I am too good for him. I don't think I am, but I just don't think we're right for each other.

I'm 17 now and he's 21. I know you may think that you can't be in love at such a young age, but I assure you that he is my first love. My problem is that he has barely changed in the last 3 years. He has a good heart and doesn't mean to harm anybody, but he lacks real ambition and motivation, he's selfish, he doesn't listen to me and he's quite immature.
He's happy with his job, in which there are few opportunities to climb upwards, and he seems content as we are. We do the same thing whenever see each other - watch television, go to sleep, and then I'll go home the next day. The only thing we do that is different is going out and drinking, which I have no interest in seeing as I'm far too concerned with my education at the moment. I have mentioned a while ago that I think we're stuck in a rut, but he simply said, "I don't mind being stuck in a rut with you." I am unemployed, I'm a student, so the only way we could do something would be with his money, which is unfair. But even when I do have money, we don't do anything. In 3 years we have never been on a real date and we have only been to the cinema twice.
I've changed more than I can describe. I've started to form my own opinions and figure out what I think is important, I enjoy intellectual conversations as well as having fun, I believe that I have my priorities straight, I know what I want out of life and I'm determined to get it, and I think I've grown out of this relationship.
I love him and I can't imagine my life without him, but I can't imagine us being friends, and I can't imagine this relationship working either. I desperately don't want to hurt him. He really does mean so much to me, but I don't love him like I used to. It's our anniversary today, and then it's Christmas, and then his birthday is in January, and so it seems cruel to break up with him soon. Yet the thought of seeing him, knowing that we will inevitably break up is also driving me insane.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to break up with him for myself*, yet the actual thought of breaking up with him; not being with him, the actual breaking up and everything after, makes me feel physically sick. But I can't get the thought out of my head. Help me.


*I would just like to say that I'm not the kind of girl at all that is breaking up with him to experience dating, or be promiscuous or do anything with any other guy. The thought of being with anyone else makes me sick and I know I will be single and sexless for a long time afterwards.

[MerryH]

Of course you don't want to hurt him, but these things happen. He'll get over it eventually. And think of it this way: you'll BOTH be better off in the long run. He doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who isn't completely into him, and you deserve better.

Don't wait until after Christmas, his birthday, etc. etc. Just end it. You've already made up your mind, it would be cruel to keep it going any longer. You're going to feel like shit about it, he's (probably) going to beg you to stay, and it's going to be really hard, but it's something you know you need to do.

[Top Cat]

But we've only just been together for 3 years, I don't know if doing it now or waiting is worse.
And I don't know what to say.
And I don't know how to do it.

[doppelgaenger]

Hi Topcat, and welcome to the board.

Most relationships end up like this - you two are simply incompatible. You're realizing that he's 'not your type'; "he lacks real ambition and motivation", "he's selfish, he doesn't listen to me and he's quite immature."

I'd like to add that you shouldn't enter any relationship with the intent to change a person or any expectations of them to change, because most people don't "change", and you will only be disappointed in the end. You should have more of a three strikes you're out policy. I'm not really sure what kind of answer you're looking for, but we can't really verify any of his behavior for you because you're just ranting about him without giving examples. But if you're really this unhappy with him, you should seek a guy who's more adventurous and ambitious. Breaking up isn't all that hard. Just be like "Well, ever since you started talking about having a break from the relationship, I've been reflecting on our few years together and I realized we're not very compatible at all. So I think that we need to take a permanent 'break'."

Distance yourself from him for a few days, maybe a week, and when he calls you, do it.

[Top Cat]

Oh I don't want to change him, which is why I don't think the relationship can work. I've grown up and I've changed and that's where I think the problem lies.
I would just like to explain my points as I feel the justify them really, "he lacks real ambition and motivation" - he thinks of a good idea, wants to pursue it for about a week, and then forgets all about it, for example he enrolled at university, he was really enthusiastic, and then couldn't be bothered after 4 months and dropped out. He's perfectly fine working an easy job at a hotel, despite the fact that he's very bright and has a lot of potential.
"he's selfish, he doesn't listen to me and he's quite immature." - I mean he's opinionated, which I am too, but he won't accept the opinions of others. When having a discussion of any sort he will listen to me for about 1 minute, and then interrupt and talk about himself/his point of view. While he is a laugh and we could have fun, there is the problem that we can't be serious, and I increasingly find myself seeing his opinions as silly. For example, in the elections this year, he could vote. After originally saying that he thought voting was a waste of time, he ended up voting for (imo) one of the worst parties. While I do believe that each person is entitled to their own opinion, I found his silly as his only reason for voting was that he "wanted to give someone else a chance".

I don't want another guy either though. I'm just not happy with my current boyfriend either. Will he understand that I think we've grown out of each other?

[doppelgaenger]

Make up your mind, woman.

[MerryH]

Will he understand that I think we've grown out of each other?

He might, he might not. It doesn't really make a difference. You don't need to make him understand anything other than the fact that you don't want to be with him anymore. Give him your reasons for breaking up, and don't let it turn into a debate or argument. Waiting is worse. Just rip the bandaid off.

[IncognitoSir]

Question, All these feelings, thoughts, and things you want out of the relationship......have you told HIM? Does He realize you're bored of watching TV and sleeping in? If you'v been doing all this for 3 years, why would he feel a need to change any of it? Nonetheless, it is what it is and now you have a decision to make. Stay and be unhappy with the nicest guy you've ever know......or......breakup with him now and crush him/ruin xmas and his bday. There's no easy way out, which is what you're looking for. Unless mutual, break-ups are ROUGH and hard, and not in a good way. Take a day to yourself and just ponder life without him. See how it measures up to life with him. I had to break up with my first love.As hard as it was to do, I'm sooooo glad I did it, I'm a better person for it now and so is she. Similar to your story, at one time it was all GREAT!, until one day it wasn't lol. Figure it out, write it down if you have to, but realize when you make your move, there's no turning back. G'luck.

[sweetkissesforu]

Of course you don't want to hurt him, but these things happen. He'll get over it eventually. And think of it this way: you'll BOTH be better off in the long run. He doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend who isn't completely into him, and you deserve better.

Don't wait until after Christmas, his birthday, etc. etc. Just end it. You've already made up your mind, it would be cruel to keep it going any longer. You're going to feel like shit about it, he's (probably) going to beg you to stay, and it's going to be really hard, but it's something you know you need to do.

could not have said it better listen to MerryH

lol

[ammi00]

You're still growing up. You're unhappy next to him, you think you are incompatible, you don't think he's going to change (and even if he does, I'm pretty sure it won't help your relationship anymore) and you want to break up - so stop finding excuses and stop analyzing the situation TOO much. Tell him you're going through a new stage in your life, tell him the reasons that have caused the "rupture" between you, adding what MerryH said - that you'll both be better off in the long run and blah blah. Do this asap.