Love him but no longer attracted

[Atnamas]

Hi folks.

Ok…

. been with my man for nearly 5 years
. we have a wonderful bond and he is my best friend
. I have zero physical attraction to him anymore
. I am beginning to wonder if I ever did

What do I do? We were friends before we got together and I know for a fact if we broke up the friendship could not continue. He has already told me this. I don't want to lose him in my life. I know sex isn't everything but I cannot spend the rest of my days with a man who I don't enjoy being with in that way.

Whats worse is that I have no desire to even TRY and make myself attracted to him again. Every time he rubs my back or whatever I cringe. Seriously, cringe. I adore the man - so why why why is this happening?

I either stay and endure a life of unenjoyable sex, but get to keep him in my life, or leave and lose him for good.

Oh and my libido is sky high. I masturbate and think about sex all the time so nothing is wrong with me there!

[Lite]

So then, ask yourself what is missing from the relationship?

Is the sex bad, has he put on weight, does he not smell right to you, what is it that makes you shy away from his touch. Perhaps your relationship is hitting that point where it's no longer new, shiny, and trips your brain chemicals?

You're basically completely vague. Sounds like there's something you want in the bedroom that he isn't giving you. Either because you haven't communicated this, or because he's just incapable of being "that man" that you want in bed with you. The question is, which is it? Are you kinked or something, and irritated that he won't spank you, or is he just inexperienced?

Pretty much you have the 7 year itch 2 years early, or something has changed.

Do you really think it's fair for you to continue to frustrate yourself in a relationship that you feel is untenable to the point that it spills over into you taking it out on him...simply because you're afraid to do the right thing and let him go? Are you seriously that shallow that you'd doom him to a relationship that's going to eat both of you alive emotionally until there's a rotting husk left and you're both trying to figure out "WTF did I do to get here?" in another couple of years?

Tell us what it is you're missing, what it is you need (if you actually know) and why you're feeling this way. Perhaps you don't know who YOU are anymore, or who you want to be? Did you suddenly hit 30 and figure out you want/need something more than he gives you? Have you even asked for that need to be met?

Seriously, you're giving us nothing here with which to help you. We want to help, and we want to see you happy. Our advice may be a bit harsh or not what you want to hear, but we need more.

[IndiReloaded]

Wow.

What he^ said.

[Lite]

Wow.

What he^ said.

It's a very common tale I've heard many times, and it starts out as a vague statement of: I don't want him to touch me, he's amazing but I can't sleep with him. Then she'll find some guy who is newer, cuter, has a bigger penis, isn't the current mate and the cheating starts as an outlet for pain...

But, somehow it's OK to drag someone else through the mud emotionally because you're screwed up and don't know what you want, or that you want something other than what you have but cannot bear to hurt the other person...

[IndiReloaded]

Oh, I agree with you Lite. In fact, we've been through it. Twenty years.

But I wonder if Atnam will believe me when I say that its completely possible to think you can't stand another minute with your partner, have that feeling last for months, years, and then suddenly, its like the clouds broke and a new day dawns. Love CAN return, tho its never the same twice.

It also means that both ppl need to want it to work and must communicate about their issues.

Have you discussed this with your partner, Atnam? Or have you just brooded in your head & with vague hints to your partner, who probably cares but is clueless without your input?

One thing that I've found over the years about problems is this: the person who notices the problem is JUST as responsible for its solution (through clear communication) as the person who actually HAS the problem. That's what a partnership means.

[silvertangerine]

I have been there! I was married for ten years and towards the end it was worse. We would go 6 months without sex. I was no longer attracted to him and he did nothing to turn me on.

Honestly, I wish I would of been more honest with him. I wish I would have talked to him about what I was feeling and what I wanted. Do you know what turns you on? Do you know what you would like from him? It sounds like silly questions but they really aren't. I loved him but was not honest with him and the relationship fell apart.

Just some advice- if you love him this much, love him enough to be honest to yourself and him. Make an effort to talk about it before it is too late.

Good Luck!

[jeffyrud]

very tough situation your in. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you be willing to spend another 5, 10 or 20 years with this guy without being really attracted? The best advice i can give you is that you be completely honest with yourself and clearly decide what you want. The decision will be clear

[Gigabitch]

This isn't necessarily the end of it all. Quite often, sexual attraction in females is dependent on all kinds of factors, and if everything isn't going just right, it comes out as "he doesn't turn me on". It could be that you have some other, non-sexual issue with him that could be addressed and that would open the door again.

Give some counseling a shot. It can't hurt, right? Don't walk away without trying everything.

[carl1222]

This isn't necessarily the end of it all. Quite often, sexual attraction in females is dependent on all kinds of factors, and if everything isn't going just right, it comes out as "he doesn't turn me on". It could be that you have some other, non-sexual issue with him that could be addressed and that would open the door again.

Give some counseling a shot. It can't hurt, right? Don't walk away without trying everything.

Giga is right (as usual).

One statement you said makes me pessimistic though ...

"I have zero physical attraction to him anymore.
I am beginning to wonder if I ever did"

I hope things work out well for you both, but if they don't, file away for future reference that without any spark of chemistry at the beginning (or at least very early on) of the relationship will almost inevitably cause the very problem you are having right now. Regardless of friendship, commitment or close compatibility in all other respects.

Carl.

[Gigabitch]

I read that "beginning to wonder if I ever did" comment as a justification seed being planted in the garden of her mind. If she didn't want him, why are they together in the first place? I'm sure it wasn't boring from day one.