Friend Has Been Breaking Up and Dating This Girl For 4 Years

[booze]

So I have a friend who has dating one girl his entire life for 4 years. They've broken up 5 times and it's looking like they are going to get back together again soon. I'm a friend of his and do I have any right to hit him? Whenever I'm around him or with him this girl will call, even if they're not dating and they'll get into a fight.

Recent example: She calls him while drunk at a big bonfire a few days ago. He sits there and talks to her, his ex gf, for over 1 hour, arguing about God knows what. So by the time he gets off the phone everyone has left and it's just me and him. He tells his friends it's none of our business what he does, but I say it is when he is always arguing with her around us.

Two more examples: He recently lost his job because of her. The night before he has a morning shift she tells him she is going to get drunk and hopefully get alcohol poisoning if he leaves to go hang out with some friends. This is still when they're broken up. So he leaves and gets a call at like 4 am saying the girl had to be rushed to the ER for alcohol poisoning and he misses his shift and gets axed.

I guess it's just frustrating because it seems like this girl has serious mental issues and my friend is just so caught up in God knows what that he ignores it. I don't know, am I out of line for wanting to yell at him or not?

[anonymous_girl]

sounds like your friend is in complete denial, which is a common problem in troubling relationships. seems like things are so blatantly obvious that they are not compatible and yet he still chooses to associate with her. even worse, this girl uses extreme measures to keep this guy around. sounds dangerous and extremely unhealthy. yelling at your friend won't do anything but make him more resistant. when you are in a relationship for so long, you become blinded to a lot of things that are going on, and you might not even realize how bad things really are. explain to him what you think this relationship is doing to him and how it affects your friendship. do it in a calm and supportive manner, let him know that you are his friend and that he means a lot to you; that you are doing this because you are worried for him.

it is very hard for people to move on, especially when there is the illusion that it's easier to just stay. there are plenty of girls out there that could appreciate him and care for him better. the girl sounds very unstable and needs help, especially if she is willing to endanger her life to control him. it sounds like she lacks self-esteem and hence has no trust in him. if he truly loves her, he won't give in to her crazy whims and would try to get her some help. it might even be helpful for him to get some help as well. being in a relationship for that long can do things to you, trust me, i know firsthand. they are both suppressing a lot of the feelings that need to come out in order for them to assess their situation better.

when people are in these types of situations, the best thing is to support them. be there for him, tell him you want to help him and give him the support he needs to make those tough decisions. but i must point out that he needs to want to do this for himself in order for anything good to come of it. if he isn't doing it because he truly wants to and knows it's what's best for him, nothing will change. he will go back to his old habits, no matter how stressful they may be. good luck!

[booze]

Thanks and yea I really think she has some serious issues. The problem is that a group of us have told him we think it's awful, but he just keeps coming back to the, "It's none of your business what I do with her". It's really frustrating. Recently he was going to stop talking to her for awhile, because they dated for like a year and a half and then broke up and continued speaking right after the break up which no one thinks is a good idea. But he just can't do it and she won't leave him alone so all the emotions and stuff are still there. And he has slept with her a few times too, even though they've been single for half a year. I just don't think he will ever get away from her

[anonymous_girl]

i hear ya. it makes complete sense, but it's sooo hard to get out of an old habit. which is exactly what it is. you said they've broken up and gotten back together like 5 times. the only way for him to move on is to not talk to her like you said. and that's something that he has to do on his own. you guys can't do it for him. it really sucks. people who care and can see what's going on from an outside perspective want to help so badly and want the person to understand what they are seeing but it doesn't work that way. he has to learn for himself, and it sounds like he is in such denial that it's going to take a long time for it to happen, if it ever does happen. but like you said, talking to her as soon as they break up and being intimate with her and everything when they aren't together anymore is a really bad idea and is what gets him stuck in the usual routine. the only way things will change is if he goes about things differently with her. i feel really bad for you and even worse for your friend! just stick with him, keep telling him how you feel, and hopefully something will click in his head and he'll realize it's all wrong and it won't change unless he does something about it. although it's true that what goes on in his relationship with her isn't your business, when it affects his friendship with you and others and you get dragged into his drama, it is your business. make that aware to him. tell him that if he promises to not get into arguments with her when you guys are hanging out, that his time with you and his friends is his "friend time" and that she should not interfere, then you'll promise not to talk about her. it's a win win situation. if he says he can't do that, then he is admitting that she is interfering in your friendship. don't accept that, tell him that he needs to change things or you might need to limit your hanging out with him. i'm not a guy, so my suggestion might not be a good one, but just a thought...

[Gigabitch]

She's a drowning person and he's trying to save her. She's pulling him down under with her.

Now he's a drowning person and you're trying to save him...

Do you see a pattern emerging, here? You and your friends keep supporting his dumbass behavior by hanging out with him while he does things like spend hours fighting with her during parties. Quit inviting him. Give him a good reason to dump her. Tell him you will all be there for him when she's history.

[anonymous_girl]

i agree with gigabitch ;o). i mentioned it to my boyfriend on the way home from work and he said the same thing. he said that this guy putting you through all this drama is not a good friend. especially if you guys have tried talking to him about it and he pretty much told you to **** off. stop hanging out with the guy. he needs to figure stuff out on his own and there is no reason for you to have to suffer for his problems (problems that he refuses to acknowledge)

[booze]

Thanks for the advice. Yea we're just gonna start hanging out with him less and less and if he pulls the talking on the phone with her for hours we're just leaving him. Didn't wanna do it, he's a friend, but yea what can ya do

[cmacattack1]

Dated this girl for four years and it's his entire life? Broken up 5 times and still talking and getting back together? Is this a high school saga relationship that just won't end as it spills into the twenties? Sounds like it...

Talking to him in a kind, supportive manner? Good. I don't think there is anything wrong with trying to help him but if he's very emotional and lashing out at your help, all you can do is let him hit rock bottom. If he's not, you can still try. Point out everything that has happened so far: losing his job, friends, etc. that has been attriubuted by this girl. Ask him is he happy? The answers to this should be pretty obvious but he could be stubborn about it.

Some pretty basic points to point out:
- he does not need her to be happy, he should want her in his life to make him more happy. Obviously she is not making his life more happy.
- while he clearly wants her to be his one, she is not the only one on this earth that is capable of being his one.

If he ever wants her to change and grow as a person, he has to let her be on her own. If she always has him to fall back on as a cushion, she is never going to learn, never going to change and the results will always be the same when they do get back together: break up. He has to have the balls to put his foot down and not let her contact him whenever she feels like it because it's getting in the way of his life. He has to put himself first here and as they said before he's drowning. He has to want to save himself, you can only do so much. He has to find that inner strength and character to break this cycle and hopefully you can help him realize that.

He has to really understand this and practice it every day. Easier said than done. Good luck.