I think I'm in love with my partner's best friend... Advice seriously needed!!

[JJkitti]

OK, I'm not used to using Forums - and have never done anything like this before - however I need some impartial advice/guidance on my dilemma.....

I've been with my partner ( let's call him Tom ) for 11 years. We got together just after we left school and have always had a great relationship, rarely arguing and are great 'friends' also. We are not engaged and are not married - although until recently that was something I was focused on for the near future. Although we have been together for this amount of time, due to various reasons in relation to our jobs we only officially moved into together a couple of years ago. We've always been very happy and I truly do love my partner and would never want to cause him any hurt or pain.
HOWEVER over the last year (although this may be longer, I can't quite recall) I have had very strong feelings for my partner's best friend ( let's call him Jack ). Jack is single, and has been for a few years. He's a good looking and very nice guy but doesn't seem interested in finding a girlfriend.
Tom and Jack have been best friends since school, and socialises with my partner and I on a regular basis. In fact - it is rare that my partner and I go out anywhere on our own these days - Jack is usually with us. Sometimes one of our other friends comes out also (male) but more often than not it is just the three of us. (I probably have a lot of responsibility for this, as recently I tend to suggest going out places that I know Jack will come with us).
Up until about a year ago, I don't recall having any strong feelings towards Jack. However, like something out of an Ed Sheeran song - we were on a night out and I remember him putting his arm around my back as we were walking out of a bar and the electricity was unreal. From that moment on, I have been lovestruck. Seriously lovestruck.

I can't stop thinking about Jack. I picture him when I'm sleeping with my partner - it's the only way I can climax these days! Just the thought of him looking into my eyes sends an electricity around me body that I've never experienced.
One more factor in this is that about 7 months ago I stopped taking the contraceptive pill (I didn't like the way it made me feel). I had been taking this for 13 years, and when I stopped I actually began to fancy people again! I WANTED to have sex and felt horny for the first time since I was a teenager. This is when my feelings stepped up a gear, and it now physically hurts to not be able to act on what my body wants me to do so badly!!! I actually think the pill made me 'fancy' a different type of guy, and that now I'm off it - my body has taken over and is telling me what 'type' it wants.

I literally count down days until I know I will see Jack again, and do anything just to spend time around him. The weird thing is, is that I don't even know if I fancy him that much. My partner is very good looking and much more what I would have considered 'my type'. However there seems to be some sort of chemical attraction with Jack that I literally have no control over. I've never experienced anything like this before - or at least I don't remember as it would have been when I was a teenager. I can't be sure whether he feels the same about me. Jack is very much the 'playing it cool' kinda guy and is pretty difficult to 'read'. I think maybe he does have feelings towards me, however this could be completely fabricated in my Ed Sheeran inspired fantasy world! The problem is that I have no idea how to find out without screwing up absolutely everything. If he does like me - I would have to make the decision whether to sacrifice my current relationship. Although, the thought of never seeing my partner again (which realistically is probably how this would play out) or staying friends with him seems so scary. I don't know if I've just got 'comfortable' which is natural over the course of a long term relationship or whether it has gone stale and is irrecoverable. I just don't know!
My main concern is that if I decided to end my current relationship, Jack may not even like me and it could have all been for nothing. Or even if he did, we may not be compatible and I would lose everything. Equally, just the thought of ending my relationship scares me to the very core as I wouldn't want to inflict so much pain on Tom. In addition, with them being such good friends, Jack may not even entertain the idea of losing his friend regardless of his feelings. I just don't know.

I have always been the ambassador for anti-cheating. I have always said that if my partner were to cheat on me then there would be no going back and he would be out on his a*se. However, the truth is that I know that he would never cheat - never in a million years. He would break off our relationship before doing anything with anyone else. But as far as I am aware he is in this long-term/forever.
This is why I am utterly disgusted in myself for even considering this - however I really don't think I can go on much longer without acting on my feelings, and this could be catastrophic.

Please can someone offer some true advice. Trying to forget about my feelings and carrying on as if everything is normal is not really going to help me a great deal as I have been doing that for a year now and it is getting harder and harder to carry on. I feel like I am 'existing' rather than 'living' and would do anything to have a '6-month free pass' to cheating without any consequences to find out if this just a crush or something more real. I have to say, it feels very real.

I am further worried now that my partner is going to propose soon.... and I don't know what on earth to do! I know I should say yes, (and everyone we know would be utterly gobsmacked if I said no) but it feels so wrong to do that at the moment.


Advice please!!!

[KiwixLime]

You need to do what makes you happy . It seems there's must be something wrong with your current relationship for you to want another guy. Is there something Tom is doing wrong? If he is you need to talk and see if you can fix it. It could be you just want something new and exciting since you've been with the same guy for a long period of time. Are you and jack compadible or do you just want to get in his pants? But if loosing Tom scares you to death you must have strong feelings for him. So you gotta think what will make you happy and if it's worth hurting Tom for something new.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you stop going out to do things that you know Jack would want to do for a start.

- - - Updated - - -

You need to do what makes you happy . It seems there's must be something wrong with your current relationship for you to want another guy.

This is B**shit. She was perfectly happy with her current relationship until she started to cross some very fundamental relationship boundaries by going out alone with someone she finds physically attractive and by inviting "jack" to do things with her and her boyfriend.

Had she kept good relationship boundaries in place and instead of feeding her "fantasy," had she done the opposite of feeding it and shut the fantasy down, she wouldn't be in this predicament at the moment.

Op: You've got to do the mental work you need to do to stop the thoughts of jack as soon as the pop into your head and you need to find another way to get out of your own head when you have sex with Tom rather then drift off into fantasy land with jack in order to PoP.

If you blindfold yourself during sex and just concentrate on the sensations that Tom is evoking in you and keep Jack out of your bedroom time, that is another way you can rehab from this dumb schoolgirl crush you have. Stop inviting Jack out with you. Stop daydreaming about Jack. Put your focus on Tom and let Jack find his own company when you and Tom are on a date.

Seriously! You're fvcking up a longterm relationship with a man you love by fueling the BS and including the object of your crush in on your's and Toms time together. How stupid of you to be doing that.

I am further worried now that my partner is going to propose soon.... and I don't know what on earth to do! I know I should say yes, (and everyone we know would be utterly gobsmacked if I said no) but it feels so wrong to do that at the moment.

Oh for gawd sakes! Grow up. You have a school girl crush on a guy that has not shown you one iota that he cares to be with you past you being the girlfriend of his good friend. Bros before ho's don't you know. Stop the insanity.