A bad trait or abusive?

[Grenade100]

Hi!

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and when we met he seemed like the perfect man, very affectionate and loving. Sadly I soon discovered that he lied about when he and his ex-wife divorced. He said they divorced almost a year before we met, but then he accidentaly revealed that the had divorced only a couple of months before..not only did I discovered he lied, I also learned how he reacted when being busted. I brought up that it bothered me that he lied to me and he responded with getting angry and saying that it wasn't a big deal, that he didn't want me to get insecure, and that he lied because he really wanted me to stay with him because he liked me so much. And then he finished it saying that if there are going to be problems and argues so early in the relationship then he wasn't "sure". I felt like it was a threat and that he didn't want to take responsibility for his actions. Since then I've discovered that this is something he does every time I express feelings that are related to our relationship. It doesnt matter if I say it in the kindest way, he gets angry, threatens to leave (actually left and ignored me for three days a few months ago) and says things that makes me feel like I ask too much, is too sensitive or want to start trouble. I have started to doubt myself, perhaps I am never satisfied? I don't know. But he surely reacts kinda weird, after arguments he often says that he know he is a loving person in his heart and that he don't know why he acts mean and defensive and saying those things and that it is not his intention. But he ends up doing it again and again. Something that really bothered me yesterday when we had this argument again was that he laughed sarcastically three or four times on the phone following
"I dont know, this relationship is problematic, maybe you should find someone else then", and when I asked him if he thinks it is mature and okay to laugh like that he said "what? I did not laugh!" I said uh yes u did and he ultimately said i was basically making it up that he laughed. This is really starting to make me feel bad. I dont understand how someone can have two different sides like that. Anyone who can offer advice on this?

[melancholia]

Your boyfriend's behavior is called gaslighting. Do you know what gaslighting is? Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic people use to make their partner question their own sanity during confrontations. Some people are extremely good at it and can make anyone feel crazy, or in the wrong, even if the other person did horrible things. Here's a website you can look at to learn more about it: http://www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-gaslighting/

You should be with someone who knows how to communicate respectfully and who is able to navigate relationships in a calm, mature, respectful way. Even if you bring this to his attention, he will likely deny that he acts this way and your problems will never be resolved. Your best bet is to probably break up with him. That's most likely not what you want to hear, but I promise you these are red flags, and those red flags will turn to SOS flares pretty soon. The thing about manipulative people is their behavior never changes. They simply find new ways to manipulate people because they do not know how to achieve the results they want any other way.

[richiro]

as soon as i read that he lied about his divorce that was enough. run away. any time with this man is wasted time.
sorry i couldn't be more positive about it.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, to be honest with you, the fact that he lied about something like that is almost enough for me to say he's not worth your time. Though, I guess in this case you could MAYBE argue that it wasn't such a huge lie since his divorce WAS final, he just lied about how long it had been final. Now, again, I still think anybody capable of lying about something like that has proven themselves untrustworthy.

But, that's me. I could understand if that wasn't enough of a lie to be too much for you to forgive...... but the way he acted when HE was the one who had done something wrong is completely unacceptable. He sounds to me like one of those people who can just never be wrong in their own eyes. Even when they pretend to realize they were and apologize, their apologies are not really sincere at all. They don't REALLY believe they've done any wrong, they are just doing it so you'll forgive them and their abuse can continue.

He's already proven to you that this is not just an isolated incident. This is simply the way he deals with issues.... by making you doubt yourself so you think maybe YOU are the one who is wrong even in situations where it is so obviously HIM who should be apologizing and realizing he has done wrong.

I'm not going to say people NEVER change..... but people like this so rarely ever do. I personally think you'd be better off moving on without him. He needs to grow the Hell up, but you are supposed to be his girlfriend, not his mom. It isn't your job to make him grow up or even really to have to help him grow up. You're looking for an adult and, though I assume he is legally of adult age, he's not really an adult. He's still just a giant child pretending to be an adult. You deserve better in my personal opinion. Though, I certainly can't tell you what to do. You have to do what feels right for you.

Good luck in whatever you decide.