Four Wonderful[ly] Sick Years Gone

[freedom]

When I was reading the thread about "3 years lost. I need some advice...", the whole time I was reading the post, I was thinking "Wow, I am not alone...", so I felt that I might as well tell my story so I don't have to hold it inside of me anymore.

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My Story

I got out of a relationship of 4 years back in November, not sure when, but I'd say about 2pm on the 10th (yes, that was the exact time). When I say "got out of a relationship", I mean she wanted to "take some time for herself".

What a sick joke, I knew for a fact that she had spent the weekend prior to the "split" at the guy's house. She even had video proof on her camera of her kissing the guy. She wouldn't admit up to even going out with him until 3 weeks after the fact, due to "not wanting to hurt me", or so was her excuse. It was such a slap in my know she left me for someone else and lied to me about the fact, at least until I broke down one night and got it out of her.

I really should have of seen it coming though, within the first month I was dating the girl, she had kissed her ex. That was a tough blow, but she was my first real girlfriend (mostly because I am extremely shy), so we got through that and the relationship flourished. Time went by, and out of the blue she was going to go to a party with another guy, that she admitted to liking. I chose to go to that party, and she didn't invite him, which turned out to be a BLAST of a party, which strengthened our relationship. For the next couple months, I knew she still wanted to go out with the guy, but then he got into a relationship with another girl. Boy, was she talking crap about the girl every time she was mentioned, but it didn't bother me because I still had the girl I loved desperately.

Time went by, things seemed great, me and the girl were (in my mind) madly in love, then in 2006, her senior year, I got a tough blow. She had left me, close to the start of her school year (I had graduated earlier that year). I couldn't fathom it, we were close as hell, even as she was with him, we couldn't of been closer, and yet she left me. It was a HUGE blow, because she even said I did nothing wrong, so they was nothing for me to blame it on. She was with the guy for about 3 months, and I never told anyone about mine and her's break up. He turned out to be a complete a$$hole, which kind of made her not trust guys, which was fine with me. We got back together, no one in my life even knowing about the break up to make up.

In 2007, she graduated, moved in with her godmother, and I followed along. Times were tough sometimes, but we really were happy living together for the most part and amazingly stayed close. For a while I could sense a little bit of tension, and I was extremely jealous about guys she worked with that liked her and she liked back. I kept a firm stance that if she ever cheated, I wouldn't ever take her back. It kept her from following through with any of her crushed (to my knowledge), and made things a little tough at times, but I was willing to work for her.

Then, in November of 2008, we split, out of the blue, so she could be with this new guy. I currently still live at her godmother's, and neither of us has told my family or her godmother about our split up. My ex, however, has spent almost everyday since the break up, practically living with the new guy. I partially feel like she is a slut for doing that, because it is sick that she hadn't even been going out with him for a week or two and she only comes back to her godmother's to do laundry since then. Not to mention, it is tough seeing her myspace saying "I love him" "Oh he is the greatest" "We will be together forever". It really hurts me so bad, and I go insane almost every single night.

Now, before ANYONE leaves any replies, I will warn you foremost that my ex is still my best and ONLY friend. My shyness and social anxiety tore me and my ex apart for the most part. I know this for a fact, she is a social butterfly and I can't even be around her friends without feeling like I am suffocating from the pressure (even though I like most of them). It is a problem I have had to deal with since I was a kid, and cost me any friend I could of made along the way (I felt awkward and nervous even being around my best friend when I was a kid). Yes, she made stupid stupid choices along the way, as did I (although, I have, and still am, stayed committed to her and ONLY her). I know if I were more open to hanging out with her friends or doing social things with them or even liked a couple of her friends, things probably would be different right now. I can't change the past, but I am certain I can learn from it and know what I need to work on if I would ever like to make a relationship work in the future. My ex is still the love of my life though, and although I know it is completely stupid to feel this way, I still want to marry her someday. I know, I know; once a cheater, always a cheater, but I, I don't know.

So, what I really would like, is to know if there is anything I can do to move on and past what has happened. I really don't want to jump into any relationships for a while, and I can't fathom continue being destroyed about the relationship, that is more than likely completely over. I really would like to move on with my life, and just leave her as my best friend, the ex. I will say that I won't let her leave me on the back burner in case something happens between them, but I don't feel comfortable anywhere else. I just don't know where to go from here, and although I seem fine, I have had time to accept it, but nowhere even close to being over it (kind of still at the beginning).

AND, just because I wanted to get this off my chest, the Friday before the "split", I made plans a week in advance to go to a sushi place (her favorite food), I had EVERYTHING planned and all, and she ditched me to be with "her friends". I got SUPER mad (I didn't really let her know about my madness though), mostly in part because I was going to ask her to marry me... yeah... marry me, and I had the sushi chef plan out a special surprise and everything... I am kind of glad that I hadn't made that mistake since they were probably already together, but it really kills me every time I think about it and have never told anyone about it...

[swargolet]

Wow your situation is very similar to mine.
Here's what I see though. You said this was your first serious relationship and that you are a shy person. I am also kinda shy but mostly with girls, you are shy all around. And my relationship was me first serious relationship. Ive had long relationships in the past that were kinda serious but nothing like my recent one. So I think I'm pretty similar to you.
Yes you did love this girl but I think you held her too high since it was your first real relationship. Almost everyone holds their first love too high and they feel as if that is the only one for them. Just take a look around you. How many married couples actually married their first love? How many people around you have broken up with their first love and are now in another great relationship? Everyone feels as if they lost the only one for them when they lose their first love. This IS NOT true. It only becomes true if you dwell on the thought that she is the only one for you.
I know it hurts like hell seeing her with someone else. My ex is dating someone else and I often times see shit like "O I love him" and crap like that even after they've only been dating a few weeks. It sucks! I guess if anything it shows their immaturity towards the new relationship. They are still in the puppy dog phase that will fade overtime. I ended up deleting my myspace so I didnt have to see that crap, I suggest you do the same. It is only a myspace page it isn't like you are losing anything huge.
Now here is your main problem. You made your ex your best friend. Like I said before, you held her too high. I'm guessing the friends you did have ended up not really speaking to you much because you held her too high. I have/had 2 friends like this. She can no longer be your best friend. I know it sucks. I desperately want to stay good friends with my ex but whenever we talk it is always about us and what happened I can never gt my head paast that and in the end it hurts. I know that I must keep my distance and in time we can start talking as I'm sure you know also. but ya it is really really hard as you are seeing. Try your hardest not to call her and speak to her. The reason you want to see her and talk to her is so you can still feel that little connection and those feelings. But look at the last time you saw her. (at least this is what happens with me)... You see her and you are happy and oyu have those feelings. Then she leaves and about 5 minutes later you feel like crap, usually worse than before. Why do you put yourself through this?

I know you are shy but you HAVE to get out! Not even so much getting out to meet girls but just getting out. If you have a hobby, continue it or become more involved with it. Maybe find some people near you that share the same interests.
Are you in school? high school/college? If you are then look for some clubs that peak your interest even a little. Even if there arent girls in the club you can find guys that share similar interests as you and then you will be opened up to a whole new community of people.

Lastly... about the marriage. I can see why you wanted to as I was going to propose to my ex in about a year but look back at it. Look at your age, look at both yours and hers life experiences. You guys are young and really havent been out much and explored the world. Do you really want to be tied down in a relationship that is likely to change while everyone else is living up life? You should be thankful it didnt get that far. My step-mom got married when she was 17 and one day when she was 19 she woke up and looked at her whole situation and said "WTF am I doing!" I'm 19, I shouldnt be tied down! Would you really want that to happen?

I wish you the best of luck, I know what you are going through and I know it is hard. We will both pull through this and find someone else that we are happy with, I guarantee it.

[Gigabitch]

Gently begin to pull yourself out of this tangled mess. If you go to fast, you're going to get all torn up, and it's not like you can avoid bad treatment from her- she's already treating you like shit.

Just pick one little area to start becoming more independent. My suggestion is to attempt some kind of therapy or counseling. if you can't afford it, at least look into trying to find a CoDependents Anonymous meeting in your area. While I personally believe that 12-step programs are pretty bogus, it would at least get you out of the house and into a room with some really kind, understanding people.

She keeps kicking you in the face. At least turn around, so she's only kicking you in the ass. Have you no sense of self-preservation?

[freedom]

You see her and you are happy and you have those feelings. Then she leaves and about 5 minutes later you feel like crap, usually worse than before. Why do you put yourself through this?

wow... that is exactly what happened and the exact question i asked myself... and yes, i go to college, but find it hard to find any clubs i would enjoy or finding friends... and yes i know i held her too high, and still do hold her high... but she really was the only person i have ever met who likes EVERYTHING i do... all the way down to the small stuff like enjoying chocolate oranges... it is hard to find someone who will sit there and complain with you about proper grammar when neither of you know the correct usage either... and about the marriage, i know it is dumb but i really would like to be tied down because at least id be tied down and happy (i cant even look at girls and even FORCE myself to think they are pretty anymore... it is sad)...

and i have looked into therapy and counseling, but you have to be willing to talk for it to work (and i don't like talking to people)... and those group meeting things, not for me, i have fainted talking in front of 5 adults, i can't go to a group thing...

[bluesummer]

and about the marriage, i know it is dumb but i really would like to be tied down because at least id be tied down and happy

No, you WOULDN'T be happy. She'd continue to treat you like crap and you'd be miserable. Just because you guys share common interests, it doesn't make you right for each other. She doesn't respect you at all....you need to realize this. It doesn't sound like she's ever respected you, that you were more of a 'backup plan' for her'.

You need to move out of her godmother's place for one. Being around her constantly is not doing anything to help you. But even before that you should come to terms with the fact that your relationship is OVER, not to mention extremely unhealthy. She's playing you for a fool. She doesn't love you the same way you love her.....if she did, she wouldn't continuously hurt and betray you.

[Gigabitch]

... the small stuff like enjoying chocolate oranges...

Chocolate oranges don't ****ing matter.

and i have looked into therapy and counseling, but you have to be willing to talk for it to work (and i don't like talking to people)... and those group meeting things, not for me, i have fainted talking in front of 5 adults, i can't go to a group thing...

This is the most important thing in your life right now. Quit weaseling out of it.

[swargolet]

Wow! We are so very similar, well at least our situations are.

Im also going to college and it is hard to find clubs that interest me also. I have looked through our schools club list multiple times and I never know. Really this semester I'm making it a goal to go to at least 1 event a week and at check out at least 5 clubs. I think you should do the same. Even a club that peaks your interest a little. Maybe go to the gym and jog around the track. Then once you become a "regular" you can go up to people and ask if you can jog with them and then next thing you know a conversation starts. Really the best thing is getting out. Break out of your shell. View this as an opportunity and as a learning experience.

O ya and you can get free counseling from your college. I usually dont open up to strangers but once she started asking questions it all just came flowing out and one huge explision. Really EVERYTHING came out words, emotions, everything. It was quite nice. I highly suggest getting a girl counselor since you are more likely to open up to them. Also it helped that the one I had was cute

[bluesummer]

Chocolate oranges don't ****ing matter.

This made me laugh.

[freedom]

Chocolate oranges don't ****ing matter.

This is the most important thing in your life right now. Quit weaseling out of it.

you lost track of the point... the chocolate oranges is just one of the quirky things that i have never met anyone who likes them... it really have no reasoning except to prove a point that she is like me in girl form... but yes, i know it is important, school is a little more important though, but yes it is important that i find something to get me on the right track...

you were more of a 'backup plan' for her'.

too true, and i know it... i just want to be with her, and i understand how unhealthy and stupid it is... no need to jump on my case, i know i am not the only person to ever feel like this... i guess tomorrow i will talk to her about how i feel, how i am going to let her live her life and find my own... i am sure she will be proud and happy for me... i just hate saying goodbye

[bluesummer]

You'll get through it fine. Everybody goes through it, and it hurts, but it makes you stronger.

Next time if a girl treats you badly, hopefully you'll have learned to get out early rather than dragging your own heart and pride through the mud over and over.

[Mish]

Now, before ANYONE leaves any replies, I will warn you foremost that my ex is still my best and ONLY friend. My shyness and social anxiety tore me and my ex apart for the most part. I know this for a fact, she is a social butterfly and I can't even be around her friends without feeling like I am suffocating from the pressure (even though I like most of them). It is a problem I have had to deal with since I was a kid, and cost me any friend I could of made along the way (I felt awkward and nervous even being around my best friend when I was a kid).

Maybe this is something you should work on from now on? It seems, at least some of the choices you made to stay with her were due to these anxiety feelings of being alone. Maybe it's time to work on these lest you find another "social butterfly" like her and repeat the same mistakes. It sounds like what you need is to improve your self confidence and self esteem. Works towards the better you, the social master who isn't scared of stuff ups in the social circles, confident enough to work the field.

[sthforreal]

You really need to learn how to open up your heart to more people. You need to meet different people to know what you expect in a girl.

Saying goodbye sucks. But if you know this is the right thing to do, do it. Deep down you know this is the only way to heal yourself, you just need some more time to accept it. But trust me, you'll feel better and better as time goes by. So once you say goodbye, stick to it, don't look back, or everything will go wasted and you'll suffer all over again.

[freedom]

wow... at first i felt like this was going to be all about seeing how much you can poke at what i said and how i felt and call me juvenile... but i really do like some of the advice you guys are giving me, and i really do think i will think hard about the next move and DEFINITELY before going into any other relationships anytime soon... it is more than apparent that i have issues and kinks that need to be worked out, and i think i might actually go to the school counselor to see if anyone can help me out, and if i don't get up the nerve to open up, i really am not at a loss, so it is a win win situation... thanks guys...

[Gigabitch]

you lost track of the point... the chocolate oranges is just one of the quirky things that i have never met anyone who likes them... it really have no reasoning except to prove a point that she is like me in girl form...

No, I think YOU lost the point. How she treats you is what's important. Whether or not your needs are being met. Whether or not you're truly happy. Not dating the female version of yourself.

By the way, most people wouldn't be compatible with the opposite gender version of themselves. Ever heard the phrase "you complete me"? It's a cliche. You never hear the cliche "you mirror me".

[Mish]

You never hear the cliche "you mirror me".

Giga, you mirror me!

My life is completely unmirrored without you