Break Up Not needed?

[Katini]

Alright. So here's my situation:

My boyfriend and I broke up three nights ago, and I suppose beforehand I knew it was coming. I, of course, didn't realize the impact it would have upon me, but that's besides the point right this second. Anyway, I'm 16 and he's 18 and we'd been dating for almost 8 months. We always got along very well just as people, and although we had a few minor bumps in the road, we found love, or as much love as can be at this age. We're both smart people and this was my first serious relationship. We didn't take bullshit, I think cheating is the lowest thing you can ever do, and we talked out a lot of our problems pretty well.

Just before his grad (prom), he was offered admission to a university a few hours out of town. He wasn't sure what he wanted, and he made it clear that he's frustrated with the life he has here in some ways--his parents are divorced, he felt like he didn't have a lot of friends left to be pulled to. (he's well liked, but he's an 'artsy' and got into the thing...with me, of course) We talked through it, but there was a lot of tension in the relationship for a week or so, a bit of denial. He visited the campus quickly and decided against it. He was happy with his decision, we were able to reconnect and things started looking great.

Exam time came around, and we were seeing very little of each other. Very little was 15 minutes of 'heyhowareya' a day around lunch time and once a weekend. Promises were made all around to make a bigger effort once the time came. (wow, I'm almost in tears, it's alright) And then the time came, and he hurt me. We went to a Canada day party and he got so drunk (I drank a lot but knew my limit...although I rarely drink). He was the only one puking, I took care of him, and in the morning he barely gave any thanks. this was a party with his friends---I was the youngest one there and I went for him (although people were reall nice and besides the 'issue' I had a good time) I went over to his place intending to tell him I'd had enough the next day, we talked, we expressed frustrations. He told me "I don't want this. I don't see you ever just being my friend, ____(name)." So we agreed 1) we can't read minds and 2) we were going to work at this.

From this point...everything had tension. We had fun but we were never completely udnerstanding each other. Whe we first strated dating, the understanding was the one quality of the relationship we truly loved. WE got each other. He knew eaxctly what i needed when I needed it. I could take some of his abstract thoughts and decipher them to help him and he loved that. I loved that.

Anyway, the topic of unviersity came up. Would be even be able to stay together even though he was going to university in town? We had friends who had done the highschool-unviersity relationship and it was fine, but the older guy was practically stuck in highschool himself because of it. He wasn't able to truly grow up. My boyfriend didn't want that. I didn't blame him.

Also, he thought we'd never see each other and it would end angrily. he didn't want me "to get hurt."

So we argued a lot. WE'd pretend we were okay and then someone would get hurt (usually me) By some dumb small thing. I'm overly sensitive and I have to work on that. I know that. he said the 'relationship' aspect of our relationship had died and that we jsut seemed like friends. He barely kissed me himself anymore, and we touched but it always seemed forced. The hugs were the msot wonderful things.

Anyway, there are plenty mroe details. But really..we broke up because I said we had to make a deicion: either 1) Accept that university was coming and that we'd make an effort to dtay together and believe we could through it all,a nd if it ended then, then we wouldn't COUNT on it beforehand, or

2) Break it up now and jsut be friends.

He decided the latter was the best idea. And so here I am. I gave him the choice, and I feel he made the wrong one. But I don't know. More details to come. What should I do? I haven't made contact in awhile. I need to include my breakup talk with him (afertwards) which I will.

[Tone]

/patpat :(

Sorry to hear that... as hard as it seems you might have to let him go. Don't really know what else to say... breakups suck. :(

[TAVS]

yea sucks dude but its time to move on. It's going to happen sometime anyway so nows just as good a time as any. It's not fair to try to hold him while he's in the new world of college.

[Aaron Blanc]

Well.. this is why school sucks... I remember how it was with me and my girlfriend.. we both went through Med-School... and for 4 years, we would barely see eachother... AND!!! we went to the same Med-School, living in the same apartment.

As you can imagine.. there was plenty of frustration. There was too much work, too much studying, too much school, too much stress, and not enough of the other person. We were both on edge the whole time.

But, as you can imagine, we both loved each other. And instead of watching our whole relationship and future crumble in front of us... We learned to accept some things, and be there for eachother...

She was busy with classes and having a really hard time in school... this ment she couldn't work at the same time. Instead of starting a fight over why I have to work all the time... We sort of both let it be... and it was cute... Rather than feeling like I was doing all the work.. I felt like I was being there for her...
Then, halfway through Med-School, we moved out from the apartment and got our own place... Rather than her complaining to me all the time about why and how it's so hard... she was happy... despite the fact that it was about half an hour farther away from the university.

The bottom line is... that if YOU think that the relationship is worth it... then you should learn to accept things about the other person once in a while... If this becomes a pattern, then you may want to back out.. but if it's just once in a while.. or even better, becomes a mutual pattern... then it's worth it to try and work things out... Breaking up is always an easy way out... And life is too short to have to find someone new, get to know them, feel just as attached and connected as you did with someone else... if you ask me... it's just not worth it if you have the right person right in front of you...

[Katini]

Thank you all. Different perspectives all around...

I ahd a really good day today. My friend is also going through a breakup, who happens to be my now exboyfriend's best friend. It's a big messy support system for all of us. But anyway, I'm starting to lean toward acceptance already, and if he is willing to be okay with us being together while he's off exploring his life, then I'm going to let him come to me. I do believe in fate in that aspect of life. And right now, I'm too young to be clinging to a future that doesn't ahve to be.

We are at a point where we can eventually be friends. I think it's one of those relationships where we can. I'm started dissovling the romance, and I've gone through some of my anger and resentment. All in all, I cared a lot about him...so much that I want him to be happy and find what he needs. And if we don't meet again as lovers one day, then it jsut wasn't supposed to be.

That is a lot. I'll be worse in the morning and not believing what I've written, but I guess what I really need to maintain here is dignity. And I have. How are people feeling about the no contact deal? I am not sure at what point I wil be ready, or he will be, t come in contact again. I've resisted a lot of temptation and already my heart has stopped sinking super low when I see there are no messages from him. So I'm jsut..gonna have to take it day by day?

Thanks all. This is very hard and it was killing me before. I'm jsut trying to run through all the possible hurts and try and get them resolved in my system. I don't want to ahve a hard heart, so I nede to heal, but crying 24/7 isn't working because I have a job and friends. How should I le myself grieve? I've had two days of serious crying bouts but I've recently toned it down and jsut had a weepy few minutes over the past day or two. Is this going to be unhealthy for me in the long run? I'm feeling happier as a person.

[MrWhite]

You know, you may possibly be the most mature 16 year old that I'll ever know!

It personnaly sounds to me that you're already coming together after this breakup. It sounds like you've thought it out, and you've already made up your mind. All of us here on this forum support you and will support whatever decision that you make. I know that breaking up can be hard sometimes, but damnit, that's life. Seriously, look at both of your last posts. See how far you've already come in not even a day? My biggest suggestion to you is to keep talking it out with your friend. Keep telling us about what you feel. Just let it out. And good luck.

[Tone]

I agree, very mature for your age lil darlin. Where were you when I was your age?! ;p

Keep your chin up, there's someone better out there for you. And everything you said is exactly right - don't focus and worry so much on the future - just take everything day by day. Instead of running and running and trying to force yourself out of the rain - just embrace yourself in the storm and realize that one day, naturally, the clouds are gonna clear up and the sun will shine on you again. (:

We go through these things for a reason, and it's to make ourselves a better person. You've already come a long way in such a short time. So just keep that chin up! Somewhere out there is an amazing man that you're going to meet one day that will make you think "It was all worth it..." - all the BS and heartbreaks you had to go through... he might not be the next guy you date - but believe me, he's out there. (:

[Katini]

Again, thanks all...

I've gone through some other stages of acceptance and had a little breakdown today when my mom mentioned stuff about my friend calling (the one who also jsut went through a breakup) and mentioning that my ex (his 'best friend') were now on bad terms because he was being stupid when they went out the night before. THis friend has lost a lot of respect for my ex. I'm makes me sad because I really do wish him to be happy.

It frustrated me to see him with other girls...my my mind, anyway. He's always been one of those 'nice guys,' someone who is kind of misunderstood but well-liked in general. And he was pushing away from that, converting into (or perhaops reverting into---it could've been his pre-meeting-me) his old self, or a new self. A bAd self, the one that prides himself on drinking (he has no self-control with it once he starts, but he never really used to drink anyway---it's always seemed like a peer pressure thing...)

Anyway, I saw him in my minds eye, dealing with it by making out with o0ther girls. Man. Very not fun. So I went through it all, cried and cried, bujt I think I'm much better, and feel like I'm coming out on top. I am jsut sad I can't be there for him when he's converting into this person who .... I'm jsut afraid that when he's going out trying to 'find himself' that he's going to severely hurt himself. I know that's part of growing up, but he was always such a good person. it's jsut hard to see him killing himself like this. He's alienating himself yet mixing with people.

His parents are divorced. He's never told me why. there are so many issues that lie here, and yet when we were together, we were content. I don't want him to be unhappy, but I know that our relationship can't work if he's not wanting it himself. My question is: When should I go back to pursuing a friendship? Because he really needs some friends. I want to wait until he comes to me. It's just...very..hard. I know what the answer to my questions should be in some ways...but I jsut am not sure. This guy is smart and seemingly well-liked...he jsut has few friends to call on. He has a problem opening up.

Sorry to leave out clarity.

[MrWhite]

You know, I think we can all agree that crying really helps. Sometimes you just have to let it out you know? Anyways, on to your question. Coming from terrible personnal experience, for some god-awful reason I keep punishing myself by trying to work out a friendship after the relationship has dissolved. Something you need to understand is that you MUST think of him as your friend and not your ex-lover/boyfriend if this is the route you choose. I remember the first time my ex-lover told me about a new guy she was dating. I'll be damned if it didn't break my heart right there. If this new role is something that you can live with. Then by all means, be his friend. It sounds like to me that there's still so much feeling still "there" for him. I would really suggest that you move on first and then pursue a friendship if you want it. I just believe that in the state that you're in right now, contact with him would be the worst thing for you. I know that you're thinking about what's best for him and you want to take care of him, but don't disregard your well-being in the midst of it all.

[Tone]

Yeah I have to agree... if you have any kind of romantic feelings for him - or know he has any for you - I would NOT pursue a friendship at all, cause it's just going to be painful for the one who still has feelings for the other.

Stay strong lil darlin, everything will work out the way it's suppose to. You cannot concern yourself with what he does anymore - let him live his own life. You just worry about yourself... as much as it hurts to watch him do those things to himself - that's for him to worry about and deal with - it's no longer your responsibility (not that it ever was...)

We're here to help you get through this!

[Katini]

I'm worse than I was.

I can't get my thoughts straight and now I jsut keep waiting for him to call. It doesn't HURT like it did...I just feel anxious and sort of down. Yet I know I'm further along. I don't know how I'm feeling. I can't describe it all. ARGH! It's like a mess.

[MrWhite]

Well, I suppose, if you finally get your thoughts straight, write them down for us. Let us know what you're thinking. Hell, I want to know why it is you're waiting for a phone call from him? Is there any particular reason why he would be calling?