He can't accept my past

[broken hearted]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. A couple of years before I met him, I had a friendship with benefits with a guy who was a close friend at the time. We made out on some occasions, and once, I gave him a BJ. It was short and he didn't finish. But still, that guys was like my best friend, I was 15 and he was like 18, and we trusted and cared for each other, so we felt safe "experimenting" like that. A couple of years after that, this guy friend introduced me to my now boyfriend.

In the meantime, before I met my boyfriend, as a normal, hormoned filled teenage girl, I had crushes and never was lucky with guys. They were never interested. With the internet and social networking sites, my "friendly" attempts with these crushes were, well, saved for anyone to see. I never posted things like "omg, you're so hot I want you so bad", but I did post stuff like "hey, it's so nice talking to you, you're such a great guy". My boyfriend, after all the problems started, googled me and found many of these messages. As I said, they were just friendly like the example I gave, but since he knows I had crushes on these guys, and he knows a couple of the personally, he thinks evryone can see how desperate I was. And for some reason, he thinks everything had to do with sex. Like I was just horny and wanted them for sex.

I also went to parties and drank. At a couple of parties, I met a couple of guys. On each occasion, I had drank a bit, and ended up making out with these guys I barely knew. He gets very upset because he asked me once how could I just hook up with guys I had no feelings for, that why had I done it? I said I wanted attention and because they were nice looking. Now he thinks I'm a whore, just because I kissed these guys. It's not like he never had friends with benefits or anything, but he never hooked up with a girl he barely knew. He says he only hooked up with girls he knew well. And again he just accuses me of being a horny whore.

Then when we started dating, well, he is my first boyfriend, and we fell quickly for each other because we have a lot in common and we just connect. He was so, very sweet, although a bit jealous. I wanted to tell him about my past, but he stopped me. The only time we talked about it was when we were going to have sex for the first time. I was a virgin, so I told him the only thing I'd ever done was giving a BJ to a guy (he didn't say anything, he didn't get upset and he didnt ask who it had been with - although he knew I had never had a boyfriend. He told me he had only ahd sex with his ex girlfriend. But he never got upset or asked more questions then.

He talked about marriage and me being the love of his life. I was very happy. Then, six months into the relationship, he asked me if I had ever had "something" with that guy friend who had introduced us. I panicked and said "No" because he didn't ask in a nice way, and I feared losing him (THIS is the *only* mistake I think I made, lying). He asked me again immediately, and I came clean. Of course he was very upset. And it was like opening a can of worms.

He said I fooled him, that he wishes he hadn't fallen in love with me, because I had been with a guy he knew and I had said nothing. I told him it was in the past, and it meant nothing to me and it didn't even come close to what I felt for him. But it got worse and I had to answer endless questionnaires about my past. Every detail, he has to know. It's been like that for the last 2 and a half years. And he gets upset at every new bit of information. And he compares himself to every other guy, even if I tell him how insignificant those guys are compared to him, he just thinks everyone else before him was better, and that I fooled him. Kind of like I had plotted to make him suffer, to fool him from the beginning, he thinks I don't love him, BUT I DO. I get tired of trying to convince him since nothing works.

I don't know what to believe. The other day he broke up with me for like the 50th time, and a couple of days later we talked and he said he loves me and that he knows rationally that the past has no meaning, but that irrationally he can't deal with it, but that if he could choose, he wouldn't feel like this and he would be with me 'cause I'm great, that he missed me, etc. But then last night we went to a party, and some guy wolf whistled at me, and he got moody. Then a friend of his started talking to me, and he got insanely jealous. Then somehow he connected that to those guys I barely knew that I kissed at some parties ages ago, and got really mad. He dropped me at my house and I thought "maybe tomorrow he'll be calm". He was, a bit. He told me he had to accept I'm sexy and beautiful, but that as long as I'm with him, it'll be ok. I tried telling him I'd never leave him since he's a catch, too, and that I love him and want him and him only. But he was like "yeah, right..." and I told him I meant it. And again he started going on and on about how I was a shallow whore because I made out with guys I barely knew just because they were handsome, and that they must have been hotter than him if at the drop of a hat I kissed them.

He just can't understand that I WANT HIM. He said I'll pay, I asked how? And he said he'll find a way, I said it was unfair if he cheats because I have never cheated and the things he's upset over happened before I met him. He said if I wanted to be with him, I'll have to deal with whatever he does in order to get over my past. I said, fine, whatever, but I'm very hurt and scared. And I don't know what to believe, because sometimes he says he just says that stuff out of anger, but that he'd never hurt me and that just wants to get over my past so bad, that he doesn't want to lose me. but then other times he acts like he doesn't care about me, and like he'll cheat and makes me feel like any other girl is better than me because they're not whores, etc. I don't get it, what have I done that was so wrong, besides lying? I know he was cheated on before by his ex and by another girl he dated casually, but I never have even thought about cheating! Still he's so affected by my past, sometimes I think he hates me. But I love him, why is that not enough? I'm distressed, since I just can't seem to stop loving him, I can't be without him, that's why I haven't broken up with him.

Thanks, sorry it was so long.

[CocoChanel]

This is so immature.
You need to leave his ass. He's childish and immature. I would let him know as you are closing the door on the relationship that you are tired of defending yourself against your past. You are not living in the past. You are in love with him and have been honest and true to him. Let him know that when he is ready to move on from the past he can get at you.

[Bumble_bee]

he has let himself lose respect for you...its not your fault, but I dnt think you should stay with a guy who has lost respect for you....he will make you suffer even when he isnt't trying to.....

[wipe_out]

He is insecure and jealous by the sound of it, this is never a good combination..

He needs to grow up and work out that you have really done nothing wrong, certainly nothing wrong to him..

If he does anything but get over it and treat you as you should be treated than my advice would be to end it.. There are lots of nice guys around and by the sound of it you shouldn't have a hard time finding one who will love you as you are and not get hung up on your past..

[chump4u]

He's childish and immature.

He is insecure and jealous...He needs to grow up

.
He is not childish, or immature, and it is immature and childish to call him that. He is, in fact, quite mature-- matured by a couple of cheating women who caused him to grow up fast.

He is insecure and jealous for good reason: He has learned that complacency and unquestioning trust are main ingredients of personal disaster.

If you (the OP) can't understand that he's reluctant to stick his hand back into a fire that has badly burned him twice already, there's not much I can tell you. Go ahead and dump him if you can't wait for him to learn to trust you in spite of your lying about your past.

But don't blame him for his suspicions when he has good reason to wonder. Don't condemn him for learning the lessons that his ex-girlfriends taught him so well. If you must blame someone, blame the creatures who made him believe that women can be expected to cheat.
.

[CocoChanel]

First and foremost... this guy is fcking with her emotions. If you want to dig into someone past you should be prepared for what you find out. If he has lost his trust in her he should leave her. Instead of sticking around with her just to make her suffer and play with her emotions. That is CHILDISH and IMMATURE.

Also... this girl didn't cheat on him. He is judging her off of some old shit that he asked about.

[broken hearted]

Yes, I never cheated. And to say that "women are expected to cheat" is just as bad as assuming all men are cheaters. Good God... I know lying wasn't the best, but the past is the past and he shouldn't have asked in the first place, I think (I never asked him until after he had asked me... and personally, most couples I know aren't talking about their pasts, or if they do, they don't get jealous about it). Sadly, I love him but he doesn't believe me and compares himself to every other guy. I don't compare him, I don't even think of those guys anymore, and I respect him enough to never go out partying without him or keeping guys too close. I stopped talking to every other guy that was remotely involved in my past (guys I liked with whom nothing physical ever happened, etc.)

Don't you judge me just because. Look, I understand cheating partners leave a mark that is hard to erase, and I'm sorry you were cheated on (that's how it sounds like from your post). But that doesn't make me a cheater. And I don't have to pay for the mistakes of the sluts he was with before. If they were sluts, it was his problem for choosing them, not mine for picking up the broken pieces. It's not that I don't emphasize with him, it's just it really makes me mad that if all of this really is because they cheated on him, then I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

I love him, why is that not enough? Sure, I lied, but who hasn't? He's lied too. He's not a saint. Plus, tell me please chump4u, what is so morally wrong about my past? What about it hints that I'm a potential cheater? I was a virgin, remember, so from where exactly do you get the idea that I'm just as slutty or evil as the girls he dated before me, huh? I really take offense in what you wrote, because while I know I haven't handled this situation perfectly, I also happen to know I'm not a bad person, I'm not a cheater, and I would never do anything to fool him with another guy. I'm quite decent, thank you VERY much.

[fCukl0vee]

.
He is not childish, or immature, and it is immature and childish to call him that. He is, in fact, quite mature-- matured by a couple of cheating women who caused him to grow up fast.

He is insecure and jealous for good reason: He has learned that complacency and unquestioning trust are main ingredients of personal disaster.

If you (the OP) can't understand that he's reluctant to stick his hand back into a fire that has badly burned him twice already, there's not much I can tell you. Go ahead and dump him if you can't wait for him to learn to trust you in spite of your lying about your past.

But don't blame him for his suspicions when he has good reason to wonder. Don't condemn him for learning the lessons that his ex-girlfriends taught him so well. If you must blame someone, blame the creatures who made him believe that women can be expected to cheat.
.

Don't listen to Chump4u
he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Your boyfriend is very insecure and what you did in your past has got nothing to do with him. You were single at the time you can hook up with whoever.. if he can't get it through his head that you only want him and haven't done him wrong then it's his loss. You never did him wrong so he has no right to accuse you of this and that. You deserve someone who respects you not a guy who constantly accuses you and calls you a whore.

[crosewood]

a good relationship requires acceptance of who you are, and of your past. i think your man is being insecure and immature too. i wouldn't dump him immediately but would talk to him about this. he needs to come to terms with who you were/are when you went into a relationship with him.. (and, it's not like you mind his own romantic/sexual past, right?)

[tanner]

I have seen this a lot before. It will never get better. Get out before you waste more years. There are healthier people out there.

[misombra]

.
He is not childish, or immature, and it is immature and childish to call him that. He is, in fact, quite mature-- matured by a couple of cheating women who caused him to grow up fast.

He is insecure and jealous for good reason: He has learned that complacency and unquestioning trust are main ingredients of personal disaster.

If you (the OP) can't understand that he's reluctant to stick his hand back into a fire that has badly burned him twice already, there's not much I can tell you. Go ahead and dump him if you can't wait for him to learn to trust you in spite of your lying about your past.

But don't blame him for his suspicions when he has good reason to wonder. Don't condemn him for learning the lessons that his ex-girlfriends taught him so well. If you must blame someone, blame the creatures who made him believe that women can be expected to cheat.
.

damn where's that boo button!?!?

[LoveHurts09]

there's a line between being hesitant and being unfair, tbh her past is pretty tame for the modern culture (especially here in the uk, although maybe different for op's location), there's no way u can change what has happened now and u dont need to make up for lying, u clearly would have told him after u said no but on better terms (if he hadnt asked again) and if that's all it takes to not trust u for 2+ years then i think ur doing extremly well to stay with him for so long.

[jdm95si]

.
He is not childish, or immature, and it is immature and childish to call him that. He is, in fact, quite mature-- matured by a couple of cheating women who caused him to grow up fast.

He is insecure and jealous for good reason: He has learned that complacency and unquestioning trust are main ingredients of personal disaster.

If you (the OP) can't understand that he's reluctant to stick his hand back into a fire that has badly burned him twice already, there's not much I can tell you. Go ahead and dump him if you can't wait for him to learn to trust you in spite of your lying about your past.

But don't blame him for his suspicions when he has good reason to wonder. Don't condemn him for learning the lessons that his ex-girlfriends taught him so well. If you must blame someone, blame the creatures who made him believe that women can be expected to cheat.
.

wrong, he is immature because he cant see that the girls were wrong to have cheated and not just of dumped him. any mature person would realize that if they were cheated on, the person they were dating are essentially worthless to the advancement of their relationship and it should be dealt with accordingly. that includes getting over it and growing up before you start dating someone else and call them a derogatory term just because of something someone else did to you.

that, in my eyes, is incredibly immature and disrespectful, whether he is doing out of love or not, its absolutely no way to show someone you supposedly love, that you care.

This is so immature.
You need to leave his ass. He's childish and immature. I would let him know as you are closing the door on the relationship that you are tired of defending yourself against your past. You are not living in the past. You are in love with him and have been honest and true to him. Let him know that when he is ready to move on from the past he can get at you.

x2

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. A couple of years before I met him, I had a friendship with benefits with a guy who was a close friend at the time. We made out on some occasions, and once, I gave him a BJ. It was short and he didn't finish. But still, that guys was like my best friend, I was 15 and he was like 18, and we trusted and cared for each other, so we felt safe "experimenting" like that. A couple of years after that, this guy friend introduced me to my now boyfriend.

In the meantime, before I met my boyfriend, as a normal, hormoned filled teenage girl, I had crushes and never was lucky with guys. They were never interested. With the internet and social networking sites, my "friendly" attempts with these crushes were, well, saved for anyone to see. I never posted things like "omg, you're so hot I want you so bad", but I did post stuff like "hey, it's so nice talking to you, you're such a great guy". My boyfriend, after all the problems started, googled me and found many of these messages. As I said, they were just friendly like the example I gave, but since he knows I had crushes on these guys, and he knows a couple of the personally, he thinks evryone can see how desperate I was. And for some reason, he thinks everything had to do with sex. Like I was just horny and wanted them for sex.

I also went to parties and drank. At a couple of parties, I met a couple of guys. On each occasion, I had drank a bit, and ended up making out with these guys I barely knew. He gets very upset because he asked me once how could I just hook up with guys I had no feelings for, that why had I done it? I said I wanted attention and because they were nice looking. Now he thinks I'm a whore, just because I kissed these guys. It's not like he never had friends with benefits or anything, but he never hooked up with a girl he barely knew. He says he only hooked up with girls he knew well. And again he just accuses me of being a horny whore.

Then when we started dating, well, he is my first boyfriend, and we fell quickly for each other because we have a lot in common and we just connect. He was so, very sweet, although a bit jealous. I wanted to tell him about my past, but he stopped me. The only time we talked about it was when we were going to have sex for the first time. I was a virgin, so I told him the only thing I'd ever done was giving a BJ to a guy (he didn't say anything, he didn't get upset and he didnt ask who it had been with - although he knew I had never had a boyfriend. He told me he had only ahd sex with his ex girlfriend. But he never got upset or asked more questions then.

He talked about marriage and me being the love of his life. I was very happy. Then, six months into the relationship, he asked me if I had ever had "something" with that guy friend who had introduced us. I panicked and said "No" because he didn't ask in a nice way, and I feared losing him (THIS is the *only* mistake I think I made, lying). He asked me again immediately, and I came clean. Of course he was very upset. And it was like opening a can of worms.

He said I fooled him, that he wishes he hadn't fallen in love with me, because I had been with a guy he knew and I had said nothing. I told him it was in the past, and it meant nothing to me and it didn't even come close to what I felt for him. But it got worse and I had to answer endless questionnaires about my past. Every detail, he has to know. It's been like that for the last 2 and a half years. And he gets upset at every new bit of information. And he compares himself to every other guy, even if I tell him how insignificant those guys are compared to him, he just thinks everyone else before him was better, and that I fooled him. Kind of like I had plotted to make him suffer, to fool him from the beginning, he thinks I don't love him, BUT I DO. I get tired of trying to convince him since nothing works.

I don't know what to believe. The other day he broke up with me for like the 50th time, and a couple of days later we talked and he said he loves me and that he knows rationally that the past has no meaning, but that irrationally he can't deal with it, but that if he could choose, he wouldn't feel like this and he would be with me 'cause I'm great, that he missed me, etc. But then last night we went to a party, and some guy wolf whistled at me, and he got moody. Then a friend of his started talking to me, and he got insanely jealous. Then somehow he connected that to those guys I barely knew that I kissed at some parties ages ago, and got really mad. He dropped me at my house and I thought "maybe tomorrow he'll be calm". He was, a bit. He told me he had to accept I'm sexy and beautiful, but that as long as I'm with him, it'll be ok. I tried telling him I'd never leave him since he's a catch, too, and that I love him and want him and him only. But he was like "yeah, right..." and I told him I meant it. And again he started going on and on about how I was a shallow whore because I made out with guys I barely knew just because they were handsome, and that they must have been hotter than him if at the drop of a hat I kissed them.

He just can't understand that I WANT HIM. He said I'll pay, I asked how? And he said he'll find a way, I said it was unfair if he cheats because I have never cheated and the things he's upset over happened before I met him. He said if I wanted to be with him, I'll have to deal with whatever he does in order to get over my past. I said, fine, whatever, but I'm very hurt and scared. And I don't know what to believe, because sometimes he says he just says that stuff out of anger, but that he'd never hurt me and that just wants to get over my past so bad, that he doesn't want to lose me. but then other times he acts like he doesn't care about me, and like he'll cheat and makes me feel like any other girl is better than me because they're not whores, etc. I don't get it, what have I done that was so wrong, besides lying? I know he was cheated on before by his ex and by another girl he dated casually, but I never have even thought about cheating! Still he's so affected by my past, sometimes I think he hates me. But I love him, why is that not enough? I'm distressed, since I just can't seem to stop loving him, I can't be without him, that's why I haven't broken up with him.

Thanks, sorry it was so long.

you mentioned numerous times him calling you derogatory terms out of "love", even if it were out of "love" he has no ground calling you a whore. In no way is that acceptable and you staying with him and putting up with it is just telling him that its ok for him to talk to you like your a peice of trash.

by the sounds of it, if he were like this (possessive, immature, naive, insulting) with any other equally immature girl, its no suprise he was cheated on. Don't let him convince you he is some kind of innocent broken hearted romantic with issues, the fact of the matter is, hes treating you like trash, no matter what people go through, this isnt how a relationship should go, it should be about enjoying eachothers company etc. by the sounds of it, your "relationship" revolves around your past and how bad of a person you supposedly are when he criticizes and humiliates you by bringing up your past.

Yes, I never cheated. And to say that "women are expected to cheat" is just as bad as assuming all men are cheaters. Good God... I know lying wasn't the best, but the past is the past and he shouldn't have asked in the first place, I think (I never asked him until after he had asked me... and personally, most couples I know aren't talking about their pasts, or if they do, they don't get jealous about it). Sadly, I love him but he doesn't believe me and compares himself to every other guy. I don't compare him, I don't even think of those guys anymore, and I respect him enough to never go out partying without him or keeping guys too close. I stopped talking to every other guy that was remotely involved in my past (guys I liked with whom nothing physical ever happened, etc.)

Don't you judge me just because. Look, I understand cheating partners leave a mark that is hard to erase, and I'm sorry you were cheated on (that's how it sounds like from your post). But that doesn't make me a cheater. And I don't have to pay for the mistakes of the sluts he was with before. If they were sluts, it was his problem for choosing them, not mine for picking up the broken pieces. It's not that I don't emphasize with him, it's just it really makes me mad that if all of this really is because they cheated on him, then I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

I love him, why is that not enough? Sure, I lied, but who hasn't? He's lied too. He's not a saint. Plus, tell me please chump4u, what is so morally wrong about my past? What about it hints that I'm a potential cheater? I was a virgin, remember, so from where exactly do you get the idea that I'm just as slutty or evil as the girls he dated before me, huh? I really take offense in what you wrote, because while I know I haven't handled this situation perfectly, I also happen to know I'm not a bad person, I'm not a cheater, and I would never do anything to fool him with another guy. I'm quite decent, thank you VERY much.

the fact that hes trying to "get back at you" is f***ing rediculous, what did you ever do to him. i mean really, how much more moronic can you be, doesnt sound like he loves you at all, sounds like he just hates your past. i mean really, look at the scale right now, its commin off to me that he hates your past way more than he loves you, why else would he be putting you through all this. And why cant you go to a party alone? are you two siamese twins? you are your own person, dont forget, you are entitled to go out and have as much fun as you want, your not a 40 yr old married woman with kids to take care of. dont waste the prime of your life waiting around for someone who cant trust you enough to go out by yourself.

in the end your going to make your own decision but i can tell you as a formally jealous guy who couldnt get over my EX's past, he'll learn eventually but its not gonna be with you. hes just too wrapped up in your past and it sounds like your making eachother miserable.

[broken hearted]

in the end your going to make your own decision but i can tell you as a formally jealous guy who couldnt get over my EX's past, he'll learn eventually but its not gonna be with you. hes just too wrapped up in your past and it sounds like your making eachother miserable.

Thanks. It's good to know he'll learn eventually, it's just very sad that it won't be with me. I really love him, but anyway... lose-lose situation for me

[CocoChanel]

It feels like a loss now because you are physically losing a person that you love but emotionally it's a gain. Your past isn't something you can erase but history can be repeated. I have always believed that when you learn from mistakes you've made or things you have done it can be forgiven. If you were still doing those things it would be different.

I am proud that you didn't lose yourself in this relationship. This could have gotten worse. Leaving now is the best thing you could do.