Need Advice: Husband is dependent upon other's attention

[ruesia]

My husband and I have been married for nearly one year now. It began as the most amazing relationship I have ever been in, but slowly, our situation has become more and more awkward. He has become increasingly dependent upon other people for attention and personal confirmation. He is constantly on social networking sites, such as Facebook or Myspace, checking to see other people's statuses and becoming giddy when someone responds to his comments. When we get home from work, his computer is on and he's surfing these sites, and when we're out, he's on his iPhone doing the same thing. And if he's not on those sites, he is texting at least five people simultaneously. I feel like we are never just together, the two of us, there is always something else he's turned his attention to. Often the people he talks to are women, some being old 'flings' of his. In addition, he had relationships with three of his coworkers, including his old boss and a married woman. These are people he still sees on a regular basis, who send him messages often, and who even bring him lunch and send him home with MEALS on occassion. It is all very uncomfortable to me, which I have expressed, but he sees nothing wrong with it. I trust him and honestly do not believe he would ever cheat on me, but how do you compromise on something like this? We are caught in a cycle now where I'll try to mention it, he'll apologize and say he'll stop, then ten minutes later he's on the computer. Its gotten to the point where I don't want to 'talk' about it anymore, because I've said the same thing over and over. He tells me I don't open up, but how can you open up if you feel like you're not being heard?

I feel like everyone in the world is being prioritized over me. If he makes a decision, it is usually based on either his own or someone else's thoughts, but not usually my own. He schedules visits to his mother's, his fathers, his cousins, etc. and wholeheartedly connects with them, no iPhone out the entire time. I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick. I cook for him, I clean for him, I've been working two jobs and going to college online full-time, and he works one job. That's it.

I am getting more and more bitter toward this situation, and hate feeling second-rate while still expected to do all of the household work and manage our budget, etc.

I feel like he has become more and more selfish, and maybe I offered to do too much, but I feel like I can't even depend upon him to clean the house if I'm sick. His idea of 'contribution', for example, is when I got incredibly ill last month and was in bed for over five days with a high temperature, he had his mother come clean the house, the whole while commenting how FILTHY it was. He didn't understand why that upset me.

Please please please I need your advice. How do I get through to him? He was SO responsible and contributive and caring when we got married and slowly, he has become more of a child than a husband. I feel like I am taking care of a son, not a partner. He loves me, there is no doubt about it, but I am beginning to have doubts about whether I want to spend the rest of my life taking care of him. I know who he can be..., how do I let him know that's the man I fell in love with and want?

[Gigabitch]

What was his parents' relationship like? Why is he doing this, do you think?

[Teddy057]

Well, if you've expressed everything you just told us and he still hasn't shaped up... Then there's a big problem. The only way to really snap him into shape is probably to scare the shit out of him, via you leaving for a while... You're right, you want a partner, not a child.

As for this facebook shit, that's pretty damn childish. This sounds more like a high school relationship then a marriage. You are his WIFE for Christ sakes, you should be his #1 priority.

[Regnent]

A marriage is two people living together as a couple, not as one.

Sounds like he's got some issues. He's going to need to want to change for anything to happen. Plain and simple.

If it's a deal breaker for you, tell him up front to see a couples councilor. If he refuses or gets angry, leave. Temporarily, permanently, whatever you feel you need to do to be happy.

Just because you choose to marry someone does -not- mean you have to forsake your own needs, don't fall into that cycle.

[bluesummer]

I've heard this happen to a few relationships, one being my sister. Once the relationship gets serious, the man checks out of the relationship part and starts treating the woman like a mother-figure. Typical signs of this are lack of spending time together, little work done around the house and eventually lack of sex. Because he views the woman as a mother figure he's no longer interested in her as a partner or a lover.

You're not there to 'take care of him'. You are supposed to be partners in your life together. If you're working two jobs and going to school, he needs to step up around the house. I am a little curious as to why you are working two jobs though......it sounds to me like you have so much going on that you in turn are making very little time for HIM. Can you quit one of the jobs?

[Gigabitch]

Everything he's doing is what I would call "bachelor behavior".

How badly do you want to keep this guy?

[lahnnabell]

I find it hard to believe that he wasn't exhibiting signs of this behavior before you married him. I'll tell you why.

My ex and I were in this same situation. He rarely helped me take care of the household, and even when I did ask very clearly, he would outright refuse or just "forget" that I'd asked. How old are the two of you?

The reason I ask is because I now realize that my ex had been exhibiting red flags about his behavior for a whole year before we moved in together. I chose to ignore it because I loved him and the idea of living with him (but hated the reality). When I would visit my ex's home (he lived with his parents at the time while finishing his Master's), he would almost always argue with his mother. His mother would ask him to do something rather simple (clean the kitchen, sort his laundry for washing, etc.) and he would ignore her request. She would then come home from a full work day, tired and pissed off that nothing she'd asked for was done. And my ex tried to justify his actions when he and I both knew there was no excuse to be had. He was just lazy. When we moved in together, he transferred this behavior from her to me. Didn't matter that I worked two jobs, or came home at midnight some nights. He still expected that if he left the dishes long enough, I would stop asking and do it myself.

I bet you anything he learned this behavior from his dad. And while his mother may willingly do all the housework, it doesn't mean that your husband should expect that of you. He's clearly got very little experience caring for himself. There are some steps you should take if you want to fix this, and it will involve training him.

1. Stop indulging him. If you ask him to sort his laundry so that you can wash it, and he doesn't do it, well, then he can wear dirty clothes. Stop doing things for him. He's gotta learn that you mean business.
2. Very clearly state what you would like him to do. Don't say, "Hey, hun, can you clean up before I get home tonight?" He's not gonna know what the hell you mean, and he'll wait till you're fuming to tell you that. Say things like, "Before I get home tonight at 5, could you please vacuum the carpet in the living room and the bedroom?" You can even live a post-it in the bathroom pre-thanking him for it. "Thanks for doing XXX-task for me tonight, hunny. I love you!"
3. The computer behavior needs to be its own conversation. This is you asking him to re-prioritize his immediate behavior. You are perpetuating your own frustration when you refuse to say something and it's becoming your fault as much as his that you are unhappy. When he pulls out the iPhone, sweetly say, "Darling, I know you enjoy your gadgets, but can we just have some peace and be with each other. I feel second best when you pull that thing out." See what happens from there. If he's any kinda smart, he'll put it away. But something tells me he's going to whine and challenge you.

[alovehangoverr]

I agree with anyone who said it's time to stop indulging this behavior.

Ask him for his help, be specific, if he doesn't do the task -- don't do it for him. Leave it. This includes the cleaning, doing laundry, etc. Stop doing his portion of it. It's time he take some responsibility.

As for his attention issues.. you should look into counseling. I realize you've stated you don't think he'd cheat on you.. but.. emotionally? It sounds like he is. He's seeking out attention from other women, even ones he's had flings/relationships with in the past. He's putting these relationships on a higher priority than his relationship with YOU, his WIFE. I would call that cheating.

I think what struck me as seriously wrong, and why counseling would need to be involved, is that he has no probably turning off these habits when he's around family.. but won't do it around you even though you've repeatedly told him it's unacceptable.