Her family member is in the hospital, We are not close enough for me to do anything

[tannoy8d]

Hi,

I have been occasionally(we are both busy with school so its tough) talking to this girl in one of my classes, I like her and would like to begin steps on asking her out so we can have a good chat and get to know each other more(we have already have had one of those conversations). However I learned today that someone in her family is in the hospital and things don't seem to be looking good. I saw her briefly in the afternoon but didn't really get to talk to her because it would have drawn alot of attention to her and I didn't want that, but she looked really upset. A few hours later I sent her a text message and said that she "looked like she could have used a hug", and she never replied. Now, my issue is that, I would really like to be there for her in some way, and thinking about how upset she looked earlier is really upsetting me now. Unfortunately, since we aren't really close or anything, I cannot be there for her in the way I would like to be on account of the fact that we aren't close enough. Although, we had a lengthy text message conversation in the morning(she couldn't make it to class) about what was going on, and boy, I feel terrible.

What should I do? Do I keep my distance and just leave it with the idea that I told her she can talk to me if she needs to? Do I try to check in now and again to see how she/her family member is doing?

Help , I hope that there is SOMETHING I can do to help in some way.

[IndiReloaded]

Just understand that during this difficult time she may not have time or energy to expend on you.

You don't really know her well enough to offer her any deep emotional support, so I'd avoid texts like your hug one. It may just stress her out further.

You might simply ask how she is doing & offer to share your class notes with her (assuming she's been missing class).

[vashti]

I agree with indi. Your timing is bad. Offer to record any lectures she may miss while dealing with this event, and keep your distance. Dating is probably the last thing on her mind right now.

[tannoy8d]

I understand, so it would probably be alright for her if I just threw her a message asking how she/her relative are doing? Sadly everyone in class knows that I don't take notes because my handwriting is terrible, so if she misses class maybe i will offer to tutor her or something?

[vashti]

I don't know about that. She will probably just look at it like you are trying to hit on her at a bad time. Offer to RECORD the lectures for her. If you are a REALLY good student, you can offer to try to help if she doesn't understand something that was covered.

Personally, I've never found someone else's notes to be helpful.

Otherwise, I'd leave her alone.

[tannoy8d]

Yea I can see that, I would just leave it at offering to help her when shes not understanding something. Recording lectures at my school is so rare that it would look weird if I was doing it, or if she was receiving it.

That is one thing I was considering though, I don't want to seem like I am coming on to her in a bad time, I just wanted to help. Do you think my hug comment could have f'ked up my future chances? And also, should I just send her a message after a while just to see how she is doing? Or just leave her alone completely?

[youreit]

Man this blows. I just replied and it deleted somehow. Arg, anyway...

Lets just say I've had my grandmother's in and out of the hospital && close to dying since my freshman year of college (I am now in my third year) and it's pretty much a really difficult time.

First off...no, it is not a bad idea to simply ask her how things are going and if there is anything you can do to help. Don't bug her about it, and don't do it right away...just every once in a while, if things are still the way they are, ask her.

Secondly...don't send her text messages like that lol...only because, like you said, you don't really know one another. The last thing she needs right now is a new guy trying to hit on her. She probably needs friends first. However do NOT become a FRIEND. Once you hit that level with her, yes you can maybe become more, but it's always much harder to get away from that. You want to show her you're interested BUT you want to show her that you're understanding of her situation right now and are willing to wait to "make a move" until she is stable with everything going on.

Third...great idea...you don't necessarily need to record the lecture because depending on the class size it may be difficult to do anyway...just get her some really good notes. Make notes for yourself and then just type them up or if you have legible handwriting, copy them. She'll really appreciate that. You can give them to her when you ask how everything is and then ask if there's anything you can do...great time to say, "well I felt bad and wanted to help so I copied the notes for you from the lecture(s) you missed" or something like that.

Last...just some advice...be yourself. Wait til she's ready for anything to happen because right now would just be a stupid time to hit on her. But like I said, be yourself. She doesn't know you, and you were introduced by friends, so don't eff it up and be everyone else in the entire world...but you. If she's smart, she'll be able to tell when you're putting up a front or something.

Good luck.

[vashti]

???

Recording a lecture isn't a big deal. I've seen several people recording lectures in the more difficult subjects. Of course, you would need to have the professor's permission. Considering the circumstances, I can't imagine they would mind. I'm rather surprised you haven't seen this going on. Maybe you still taking introductory courses? or maybe you simply haven't noticed. The recorders are the size of a cell phone these days.

Anyway, I would put her on the back-burner dating-wise right now. She will shoot you down, and later on, she will remember you trying to hit on her at such an inappropriate time. I can't imagine how that would be remembered well.

[tannoy8d]

Heres the thing about the notes:
Everyone knows that I NEVER take notes in my math classes, because the professor copies right out of the book so I listen instead, so if people saw me taking notes they would be like "what the heck are you doing?" She knows about this lack of note taking too so I think that would be weird. The other thing is that the professor does is he does all of his notes on a tablet PC that is projected onto the front of the board, then he takes those notes and puts them on the internet for anyone to get. What I would think would be better, since I had originally planned on being a teacher, is that if I were to see her struggling with stuff, to offer to help her with the work since it really is a difficult course.

And yea, I realize the hug thing was a bad idea now and I wont be doing that again, but I think I will wait until tomorrow and then shoot her a text message to see how shes doing. I think my issue with the text message is, all the girls I have gotten interested in in the past never paned into a relationship because I became good friends with them then I got the "oh but youre like my best friend I cant ruin that with a relationship" thing. Because of that, I think my goal in trying to get into a relationship was to "snag" the girl before I hit the "bff 4ever" stage, lol. So I made that hug comment, I guess it could have been worse though, people say I have no common sense anyway, but hopefully it wont screw me over

Edit to reply to the last post that came in as I was typing:
I appreciate the suggestion but in this case recording the lecture would be pretty much useless. The reason why is that it is an upper level mathematics course, Real Analysis, and audio for this course would be almost useless without some kind of animated notes or something. I say this because the material is difficult for us to follow while we are all there, in class, with audio and visual information. And yes, I am going to put her on the "back-burner" for now dating wise, but I do care about her you know? So what I want to do I think is occasionally(every other day?) just send her a text message to see how she is doing, I have already told her that if she ever needs anyone to talk to that I am always available.

[vashti]

I think I would be annoyed by every other day, given the circumstances, but maybe I am grouchier than average. I would suggest not more often than once a week or so.

[tannoy8d]

Well she will likely be in class next week, it is probably ok to talk to her right? Not in a way that would imply me hitting on her, or prying into her personal situations, but just like I would talk to anyone else, cracking jokes/making her laugh just like I do with everyone else. Of course, I would be able to gauge her reactions and make sure to keep my distance.

[Ekips]

In an effort of kindess, doing things that aren't socially optimal, but still kind, can work for your benefit.

Such as, helping out strangers. What does it matter if it's her relative. Being kind to someone in pain is never a bad thing.

>; O