Complicated long-term relationship is changing - need advice

[OldLover47]

This will take some time to explain...
30 years ago my wife at the time and I helped rescue a 7 year old girl (let's call her Anne) from an abusive relationship with her adoptive father, and grew to love her very much. In fact, my wife couldn't have children, so we sort of adopted her and I loved her as a surrogate daughter. Years passed... I was divorced, Anne left home to another city, we each had various relationships, but touched base every few years, usually when she was breaking up with one boyfriend and starting with another. Our love for each other grew, but always clearly as father-daughter. However, over the last few years we have become discouraged with our bad luck with partners, and now she is 37 and I'm 61 and we're closer than ever. We have marathon phone calls, as we always have, but recently there are hints in our conversation that we might like to try living together, or even start a romantic relationship. However, what happens if it doesn't work out? Will we lose that magic father-daughter relationship? There are complications: she has a big credit card debt and low income, and two kids to support.. I would love to help, but maybe that would lead to a dependence on me, rather than a more equal relationship. I think we both realize that there is a lot of potential for good here, but also a lot of risk. Does anybody have any advice on this situation, preferably based on similar experience?

[loudrims_inc]

yea i have advice...she IS YOUR DAUGHTER...biological or not...so IMO, thats just sick...maybe she grew desperate and since she has credit card debt and 2 kids to support now, she thinks she has no other choice...

Edit: you should seek counseling...really!

[Chupacabras]

Surely you know this is wrong? Frankly, there's nothing more to say.

[Gigabitch]

There is a deep-seated taboo against father/ daughter relationships, which I am sure you're well aware of. Socially, this extends to surrogate father/ daughter relationships. I'm only reiterating this because the whole time I was reading through your posts, I was cringing and thinking about Woody Allen. Sure, you might be able to have something beautiful (eew), but there will always be a stigma attached to this (yuck) and her kids will suffer for this in ways you can't even imagine (bleeaaahhh).

If you want to help her, be a dad. She's already had one bad dad. What you're doing is creepy. In my opinion, she's probably responding to the fact that you care, not looking for a love connection. I mean, come on. She's 37. She's at the very peak of her sexuality. Do you think she really wants to hook up with a man over 60? Really?

[OldLover47]

I hear you folks, and I agree that it sounds/is creepy, otherwise I wouldn't have asked for advice. Part of the complication is that she seems to pick loser boyfriends, maybe because of her past, and my instinct to protect her is kicking in. Her current boyfriend is emotionally crippled, resulting in her calling me a few times in tears. And the advice about counselling is right on... unfortunately I haven't been able to convince her to do this, even though I volunteer to join her. It's frustrating seeing her go downhill.. she even worries about losing her kids. I have always been an advocate of keeping a healthy distance, but maybe some sort of intervention is required. Thoughts?

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, if you KNOW she has bad judgment, protect her from the latest inappropriate relationship looming on the horizon. Protect her from yourself.

Look, go find some other younger woman. Leave her alone.

[OldLover47]

Look, go find some other younger woman.

I think you misunderstand.. I'm not looking for a younger woman, I'm looking for a solution. Maybe I need to find her a boyfriend who will be good for her (don't think that's going to work!) Anyway, I guess I'll just try to be there for her, but it's stressful.

[Gigabitch]

I think you misunderstand.. I'm not looking for a younger woman...

You need to understand that this is what it's going to look like to everyone. I mean everyone.

Look, I'm older than she is and I think dating that far out of my age range would only be an option if I were desperate, and that's not even getting into the surrogate father thing.

You want a solution? it lies withing you, and only you. You know she has shitty boundaries and some kind of emotional damage. This means it's up to you to act right. So act right.

[bluesummer]

And the advice about counselling is right on... unfortunately I haven't been able to convince her to do this, even though I volunteer to join her.

That's fine if you can't convince HER to go, but you should probably at least give it a go on your own. Having any sort of incline towards your daughter (adopted or not) that is beyond strictly paternal needs to be addressed.

You also need to realize she is making her own life choices and you can't rescue her. We've all had that friend or family member that always seems to date losers and never quite get their life together....and intervening is never helpful. They have to fight their way through life on their own like everyone else. Listen to her when she needs an ear, but otherwise let her sort it out herself. Only way she's going to learn and make changes.