Crap

[Ashliejae]

so heres the situation as it stands. Alright, so i have been seeing my boyfriend for about a year. and thing are okay in some areas but if you have ever read any of my other post you would know we have a slight issue in the sex department. SO heres the other end of the evil stick im holding on to. MY BEST FRIEND lives about 1400 miles from me we have talked almost every day for 4 years on the computer joked about going out to vegas to get married so forth. Well the other day he invited me to come vist him. Now i have loved him forever but i never though we would get to hang out since its been solely over the computer. I dont know if i should go or not. Im some what afraid i wont want to come home. I mean in my heart of hearts i really dont think the relationship i have now i could stay in forever. I keep thinking if i go vist and its great then thats my sign time to move on. I just dont know has any one else ever been in this postion before and what did you do. IDEAS

[Mish]

I mean in my heart of hearts i really dont think the relationship i have now i could stay in forever. I keep thinking if i go vist and its great then thats my sign time to move on.

This is probably the worst way you can go about it. You don't look for "signs" for you to move on. If things are bad and you need to go then go. If you know this is not a relationship for you and it's not sustainable and it won't last then leave. You will be doing both yourself and the guy you are with a favour.

Don't be the one "if I can find someone better I'll leave him, if I can't then I'll stay". Stay because you two belong together. If not then leave.

[lesa]

Wow. That is the best advice for this situation. Why are we so afraid to end a relationship and be single? Why do we wait until 'something better comes along". If I am not satisfied then I would end the relationship. IMO there is no better advice.

[Ashliejae]

its not that im afraid to be single. I just dont believe that people are really ment to spend there whole life with oneperson . I am more afraid of making the wrong mistake. Whos the right person to date. is it better to stick in a relationship where my sex life seems messed up, and work on things. I mean i love my current boyfriend. but i feel like we have a ****ed up sex life. And i really dont want to hurt him. He just bought me a house (i think to try and make sure i would stay with him). I am just so lost and very confused.

[GrkScorp]

I keep thinking if i go vist and its great then thats my sign time to move on. I just dont know has any one else ever been in this postion before and what did you do. IDEAS

Mish & lesa really hit it hard.., and I agree with everything they said so far..

But since you asked.., and you really want to know.., an example:

Me & Italian ex..

You've probably seen her picture.., although nobody knows who is who.., and i'm not about to spill names.., but she was a comfortable 9.., very relaxed.., very little drama.., very sexy.., sensual.., caring.., affectionate.., passionate.., loved sports.., and was really just a guy's girl.., her idea of a date or having fun.., was just sitting around her place or my place.., all day.., watching a movie.., have sex.., talk.., eat.., talk.., have sex.., sleep.., wake up.., have sex.., talk.., movie.., have sex.., sleep.., wake up.., sex.., Yeah.., that was our relationship.., and to be quite honest.., for a guy my age.., back then.., that was almost the perfect girlfriend or relationship to be in.., if I would have been interested in sports.., it would've been the perfect relationship.., so what happened?

Serbian girl happened.., who lived.., not 1,400 miles away.., but just 2.5 miles away.., and I saw her every single week.., she served me.., sat on my lap.., sat next to me on the couch.., was very flirty.., feminine.., wore hotter clothes.., was more energetic and lively.., and again.., I was young & immature.., at that age.., I just wanted something new.., was it wrong? YES.., very very wrong.., i'm not going to lie.., it was also very very stupid.., so what happened?

I wanted to start having sex with the Serbian girl.., but I didn't want to cheat.., I didn't want to be a cheater.., or feel like a cheater.., so the only way I could meet those needs.., was if I broke things off.., but my desire to fcuk the Serbian girl wasn't exactly a socially acceptable reason to end a relationship.., no.., I needed a better reason.., and so that's what happened.., I started looking for excuses.., for signs.., for anything.., anything that I could get my hands on.., that would bring me closer to having enough reason to end this relationship.., and start fcuking the Serbian girl..

I know.., believe me.., I know.., and just moments after I selfishly ended things with my Italian ex.., it started to hit me.., "ugh.., what a fcukn' moron you are! there was absolutely nothing wrong.., she was perfect..".., and years later.., "ugh.., what a fcukn' moron you were! now after so many nut-cases later.., you can see exactly just how much of a moron you were! Ah! moron!".., anyway.., yes.., so.., I broke out of a perfectly stable.., mutually enjoyable relationship.., with really.., an amazing person.., just to hook up with someone "new".., biggest mistake of my life thus far..

And you want to know the funny part? If she came up to me.., today.., right now.., and asked to be back together.., I would have to tell her "no".., and not because I don't want to be with her again.., I really do.., it's just that I would feel too ashamed for why I ended things.., for the type of person I was.., and I could never be with her again because of that.., it would be a constant reminder of how immature and selfish I was..

But what I would want.., is someone back then.., to have just sat me down.., and tell me a story like this.., and let me realize.., how the moments before you're about to make the biggest mistake of your life.., feel like..

Because if someone like that.., let me realize.., what a mistake that's about to happen.., feels like.., then i'm pretty sure.., that I would have the willpower to choose.., not to go ahead with that mistake..

But that's "if" one could go back in time.., we can't.., we can only live in the now.., and regret the past.., not change it.., and in the now.., I'm the one telling the story.., not the one with the choice.., or the willpower to make the right choice.., all I can do is tell the story.., and hope that there's someone out there listening.., with the same willpower it takes.., to not make the same mistake twice..

Best,

GrkScorp

[GrkScorp]

He just bought me a house (i think to try and make sure i would stay with him). I am just so lost and very confused.

You think?

AJ.., i'm sorry to be a stickler for such things.., but such things don't fly over here..

You're seriously willing to rely on pure speculation.., to form an informed opinion on what you want to do? Are you waiting for someone to come in and tell you how "wrong" it is of him to do that? Of how you shouldn't feel obligated to stay? Is that what you want to hear? A reaction to pure speculation.., as if it were fact?

AJ.., you're pulling straws.., looking for reasons.., to paint a picture where you are trapped.., and he is holding you captive.., and that's largely because that's how you FEEL.., and not necessarily because that's how things ARE..

You think your sex life is bad.., great.., I can guarantee you.., that you enjoy sex.., far more than I do.., do you see me complaining?

(GrkScorp.., that's not fair.., you're a Tax Attorney.., everyone knows Tax Attorneys are soul-less sexless creatures that desire minimizing tax liability more than sex.., you don't know what it's like to want sex badly.., and not have great sex)

Touche'.., some of that may in fact be true.., but you're not being fair to him.., or both of you for that matter.., have you tried to work things out? Sure.., it's always easier to quit.., and press restart.., but it's much harder to try and make things work.., from where they are.., it actually takes character.., to not give up on someone.., to help see things through.., to at least try.., and be able to look at yourself.., and know that you tried all you could to make things work.., but they just didn't.., and there was nothing more you could do.., that you didn't just quit on a person who has done so much for you.., who feels so much for you.., and cares so much for you.., that you were fair to this person.., and fair to yourself..

It sounds like you need to let all of us here know some more details about your sex life.., or rather.., "lack of"..

Believe me.., 14,000 members are sure to come up with SOME good ideas as to how to go about getting things to run again better now..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Mish]

its not that im afraid to be single. I just dont believe that people are really ment to spend there whole life with oneperson .

And that's okay, there's nothing wrong with that. There are many people who think that spending entire life with one person is too much. These people either remain single or go from one relationship to another and once again there's nothing wrong with that as long as both agree and are happy with that arrangement.

The only things to think about (for yourself ofcourse) is that if you choose this kind of lifestyle you will ultimately have to give up on other things. For example, do you want to have kids? You won't be able to give them the kind of stability a functional monogmous relationship allows, so you will most likely have to give up on that idea. Are you happy with the idea of growing old alone? Ultimately this is one of the realities to face with this type of lifestyle.

Nobody wants to make mistakes, this is why it's important to make the right choices in the beginning. But how do you make the right choices? One by knowing what you want and by getting it. Two by comitting yourself to it.

[Ashliejae]

Well my sex life, uhhh well its a pile of one excuse after another i would have to say. I might as well start at the beginning and work from there. So in 2006 my baby sister moved to sweden. Now one of her best friends (now my boyfriend) called me and wanted to get money together so we could buy her a laptop. SO i started hanging out with him. From the day we started hanging we sort of clicked. We can have these weird conversations about solar systems, and philo. February of 2007 i moved into his appt. I had been living with my parents for way too long. In the beginning i slept on the couch he slept in his room. Then things got cozy, which was fine. Hes a very sweet guy in many ways. Now i dont just start sleeping with people. I am very STD aware. So before we did anything we both went to the doctor ect.... Fast foward to August 2007, so we went camping, i love it, and he had never been. (hes sort of girly, not wanting to get dirty and so forth). So then we got drunk like you do when your camping. And of course we had sex i felt that it was inevitable. But i was having fun. IN MY MIND that ment from that point on we where dating. and we started to live like we where, i sleep in the same bed as him even now. BUT its so messed up. And not for a lack of trying either. He is more then glad to let me get him off. but when it comes to he flat out avoids sex. Yes he has issues with premature ejaculation and since last fall we have had many conversations about whats going on. He swears up and down its not my fault and he thinks im sexy. And a few weeks ago we had another conversation or i tried to have one with him. As soon as i brought it up he got pissed off, kicked the bathroom door off the hinges and looked at me and said this shit again. I have avoided it since. I have felt lied to, we use to talk about sex often before we started having it he use to tell me how much he loved it and so forth. And i made it clear its extremely important to me. I mean for the love of god i work for a sex toy distributor. I took the job not only for the love that i hold for sexuality but i thought it would help him get closer to me. Sadly it hasn't. So now i feel like im at a point where i have to make a choice. Hes a great room mate, and friend but in the boyfriend area's where i feel things count he keeps dropping the ball. I have tried everything from talking to my doctor, to getting supplements for him to try. Meditation, massage, laying around naked. conversations. So now i have to decide if This is what i want. And truth to be told i am not sure.


As for children i am not worried i can not physically have them.

And i ment when i said i don't believe in life long relationships, i just dont believe in marriage.

[lesa]

Maybe he is overwhelmed (knows it's a major issue) and now has performance anxiety. He is a afraid to try it because he knows that he will (is expected) have to perform well.

[Gigabitch]

Once again, Ash, I will put in my two cents: leave that guy. That relationship is going nowhere. Nowhere.

[IndiReloaded]

+1

Do it right. Dump your current guy & then tell your friend to share the cost of a plane ticket.

Don't go visit this other guy alone while you are still with your BF. Bleh. Go find my post in the Cheating thread about 'opportunity'.

[vashti]

+ 2

And give back the house.

[GrkScorp]

And truth to be told i am not sure.

Hmm.., I don't want you to feel any pressure AJ..

I'm actually in the strange position of agreeing with all the girls here.., despite a difference in opinion..

On one hand.., I agree with lesa.., his performance anxiety.., and his lack of hope.., feeling like it's useless.., not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.., he has sort of accepted things to be that way.., and sees no room for change.., (definitely needs serious psychotherapy to help change that).., it's unfortunately a battle you can't expect to win on your own.., his belief is set firmly in place.., and your naked body is.., believe it or not.., not enough to change that belief..

On the other hand.., I also agree with the rest of the girls.., sex is an important part of your life.., and the truth is.., for whatever the reason.., you're not being satisfied in that department.., and it's not selfish of you at all.., to want your most basic human needs.., your most basic needs as a woman.., met and satisfied by the person you're with.., and if you're not happy.., not satisfied.., then there's no reason to feel guilty.., for wanting to reconsider a relationship with this person..

The choice is really one you have to make on your own.., I don't feel it's fair to you.., for you to come on here looking for advice.., and for us to pressure you into making one choice over the other.., or make you feel guilty in some way.., anything you choose to do.., is more than justified.., it's now just a matter of what you choose to do AJ..

Best,

GrkScorp