I've been browsing through these forums and I think you guys have a great community. I have a problem with my fiancee that I need some advice on.
We had been together for a little over a year before I proposed (9 months of which we were living together), and we have been engaged for about a month so far. The fact that we are engaged has not really changed the relationship much, but we seem to have recurring problems that I don't know how to solve. I am 25 in June and she is 23 in August. When we first met she was very very insecure about herself (from a bad home-life, past relationships - she always left/pushed the guy away before she would be left) and we would fight alot. She would essentially be trying to push me away, always telling me how I deserve better, she's not good enough, etc. No matter what I would tell her it wouldn't make much difference. She went through a period when she would suffer from anxiety attacks (which would always have her asking me why don't I leave, I deserve better, can I really live like this for the rest of my life, etc etc), and I was always by her side supporting her.
She went to a psychologist (and has been there for 6 months or so), and a psychiatrist who has prescribed her Cipralex (Lexipro in the US as I recall). Things notably improved, but we would still occasionally fight (as any normal couple does, not major ones). We had a big fight about 2 weeks ago where she said she wanted to end it and gave me my ring back. I know some of the reasons for it getting to that point is my fault (issues since resolved - she felt I was being too critical of her behavior, and in retrospect, I unintentionally was), but she has a tendency to OVER-exaggerate things when we fight. Almost every single fight we had she would always say something like "maybe we aren't right for each other". We both love each other very very much and we have a great relationship, but I feel like her creating drama over small problems is getting me to reach my breaking point.
After our last fight when we almost broke it off (I could see she didn't really want to, and she needs someone to put things in proportions for her at this point in her life, because she can't), I apologized first for what I did wrong, and told her I don't ever want to hear her saying shes leaving me, or that maybe we should break up, just to get a reaction out of me. I told her not say that unless she means it, because I wont stand for it anymore. I wasn't assertive enough with her (my first serious relationship, I still have alot to learn) during the past and decided that my lack of taking action wasn't helping at all, and that I needed to put my foot down more often.
I don't want to paint a picture of her as a bad girlfriend, because she really isn't. We have an amazing time together (we traveled to New York for 2.5 weeks, were together all day everyday and we didn't even have a small argument - we just enjoyed each others' company), but whenever we fight she focuses on the negative too much. We had a SMALL argument last night at a picnic with some friends and her family-friends. She saw an ex of hers there with his girlfriend and I noticed her acting weird and getting kind of quiet. I know that in their relationship of 3 months (when she was 20) they were very much in love, but she drove him away because her self-esteem issues couldn't let her accept his love (her words). She tells me that is what she feels like she is doing now with me. That is nothing new to me, and every fight we had I would always reassure her, to no real avail. But when she started up again last night it was like something inside me snapped.
I asked her at the picnic why she was quiet and she said she didn't like her ex's girlfriend because she didn't feel like they were really in love, and that she was good for him (maybe not like her ex loved her?). I told her that he is a big boy and he can take care of himself, and that nobody knows how a relationship really is except for the couple. Enter argument/cold shoulder. That kind of set off alarm bells in my head, and I asked that night if she still had feelings for him. She told me she doesn't love him in a romantic way anymore, but she loves him as a friend and wants the best for him (she did start crying a little at this point). She isn't jealous of his girlfriend in the sense that she wants to be with her ex, she is jealous that his girlfriend can accept his love when she couldn't with him (which ruined the relationship), and can't with me.
During a given week we MIGHT have 1 or 2 small arguments, but last night she said she was sick of fighting EVERYDAY (Not even CLOSE to true). She said if we aren't saying I love you, having sex, or I don't know what, we are fighting. She told me we don't have anything to talk about (NOT TRUE at all) so we probably fight because we're bored. I've had this sort of conversation with her too many times. So I decided a different take. I just agreed with everything she said, really emphasizing the fact that we always fight. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said "I think we've tried everything we can". I'm pretty sick of this shit... I went along with her and said we should both do some thinking.
So here I am in the morning just really really fed up that we keep coming back to the same point. I am tired of fighting the same fight, hearing the same nonsense. The thing is, I know she wants to be with me, but her constant feeling sorry for herself is taking me towards the breaking point. I need some advice on where to go from here. Maybe someone who went through a similar period can help me.. I'm wondering if being in a relationship is stopping her from moving on. I don't want to lose her or what we have, but I don't think I can live like this for the rest of my life. Is it just a maturity thing that she'll grow out of (it doesn't seem like it)? How can I help her to stop sulking over every little thing that doesn't go her way?
Thanks for taking the time to read all this, it feels great to take this off my chest! And if my english is not entirely correct, I apologize, I am not a native english speaker!