OPEN Debate: Why is it wrong to date more people at the same time?

[michaelmorgan]

Ok..let me present you some ideas regarding the title, a personal point of view and then let's take it to the next level.

Perpetuation of the species: One man, one woman. Leave a chance to the others to mate and replicate.

Defending the territory: he is my man, she is my woman.

A modern definition of cheating: since we are so much into love and trust, why do we consider cheating when our lover has sex with other people, even if we are informed it is JUST sex and NO feelings? (for example, in a VERY long distance relationship)?

Especially for men: Why do we feel guilty about cheating? Who told us to feel guilty? Who took our freedom away?
Especially for women: Why do you feel guilty about making the first move? Is it prejudice, is it habit, is it the same fear of rejection that men HATE? (now you should understand how hard it is for most of us to approach you )

From the tribal approach, have we been brainwashed in order so more women can pass along their genes? Have we becomed SO feminine..not to hurt a woman?

All of us have lessons to learn in life and love. For a woman, the challenge is not to find a man, but to keep him.
Why shouldn't a woman learn also from break ups and broken hearts? Is this kind of learning only for men? Does a woman think "Hey, you're a man, you'll get over it?" - without knowing that most men have become SO emotional and sensitive?

Please share here your point of view and your insights.

My point of view and a small personal history:

At the beginning, I used to be caring and sensitive. The shy me couldn't even dump a girl on my first relationship, because this would have hurt her feelings.
Later, I started dating multiple girls and women. Some of them knew, some didn't. I really enjoyed it, as each of them made me somehow happy and showed me a different experience of love.
Today, and this is perhaps my strongest advice, when I am in a deep and magic love relationship, I stopped dating more women; as I said somewhere else, I owe it to myself and to my dreams.
What a coincidence, this translates also in the fact that all the women out there are available for more men, since I as a male have stopped hunting.

When you really care about the relationship you are in, when it really promises a lot, when it makes you really happy, then consider remaining "faithful", as you owe it to yourself more than you owe it to his or her feelings.

Meanwhile, regardless if you are a man or a woman, make your new found lover understand that a "faithful" lover is to be earned, not taken for granted. Put a price on your feelings, on your focus, on your time and on your personal space.

If your love life has been incredible until today, perhaps you can ignore this ideas. If not, what have you got to lose?

That's what I think.
NOW...what do YOU think about these realities?

[vashti]

"Why is it wrong to date more people at the same time?"

It isn't. However, dishonesty is wrong because it robs other people of their ability to make informed choices, so if you are gonna date multiple people at one time, then everyone should know about it.

"Why shouldn't a woman learn also from break ups and broken hearts?"

Are you kidding? Who said they don't?

"Especially for women: Why do you feel guilty about making the first move? Is it prejudice, is it habit, is it the same fear of rejection that men HATE?"

I wouldn't feel guilty, but rather less feminine. I LIKE being the girl, and for those of us who are more traditional, it is up to the MALE to do the asking, which incidentally, more traditional males actually prefer.

[elNatural]

If they ask then you should let them know if you are going to be exclusive with them or not. I believe that dating doesnt have to be exclusive, but once you are in a serious relationship with someone, it becomes exclusive because you want it to. With that said, my question is...

Unless they ask, should you tell them you are dating other people?

[Sooky]

Unless they ask, should you tell them you are dating other people?

I'd say it all depends on the context of the date. If it’s just a one of date, almost just as friends, just for fun and the subject doesn't come up ,then no it doesn't really matter.

However, if you continue to date the person and it verges on even remotely serious, then if you still intend to continue dating other people as well, you should tell them. I’d say generally, women especially, tend to assume that dating, especially after 3 or so dates, is titling towards the exclusive side…. and all it takes is one moment for him/her or his/her friends to spot you at the cinema with that cute checkout assistant from Tesco and you’re busted.

I mean we've all seen what happens in soaps… if you keep secret multi-dating up for long eventually you're going to be found out... and the longer you continue multiple dating without telling people… the more tears and smashed eggs on they'll be your house when the truth gets out.

So yeah, one date no strings, no worries. 2 or 3 dates with rapidly multiplying numbers of strings... and you get in a tangle!
So honesty is usually the best policy.

[Tiay]

have we been brainwashed in order so more women can pass along their genes?

that makes NO sense. You can't reproduce without involving the genes of a woman. The more you reproduce, the more filthy woman genes get passed along.

I sound like a broken record by bringing up evolution, but for whatever reason, humans have evolved, physically and culturally, to prefer a strong family structure. Say what you may about rising divorce levels and fatherless kids, a proper family is still the most accepted and valued thing.

I agree with vash, you can date more than one person as long as they all know the score. However, I don't like the idea of it. Generally, more than one person ends up feeling hurt and unvalued.

most men have become SO emotional and sensitive?

I don't think men as a whole have suddenly changed. It's just that increasingly men are not mocked or made fun of for acknowledging those feelings.

For a woman, the challenge is not to find a man, but to keep him.

_that_ is a load of baloney on so many levels. I don't even know where to begin. the latest census shows there's more women than men in the population. What, are all men perfect whereas for women you have to search around for one worth keeping?

[Junket]

NOW...what do YOU think about these realities?

I think you're just a ridiculous as that porn-society dude.

[enterprise]

It is wrong depending on the situation. If it were to get serious and you loved the other person or have feeling for them (or the other way around) then it's wrong. If it weren't then why lie about it, you don't lie about something that is right?

[The Great OV!!!]

"Why is it wrong to date more people at the same time?"

It isn't. However, dishonesty is wrong because it robs other people of their ability to make informed choices, so if you are gonna date multiple people at one time, then everyone should know about it.

Yea, I agree, that pretty much sums it up. The girl can date as many guys as she wants, as long as I am not one of them...I don't care.

[jurupa]

"Why is it wrong to date more people at the same time?"

It isn't. However, dishonesty is wrong because it robs other people of their ability to make informed choices, so if you are gonna date multiple people at one time, then everyone should know about it.

Like OV said this sums it up pretty darn well.

"Especially for women: Why do you feel guilty about making the first move? Is it prejudice, is it habit, is it the same fear of rejection that men HATE?"

I wouldn't feel guilty, but rather less feminine. I LIKE being the girl, and for those of us who are more traditional, it is up to the MALE to do the asking, which incidentally, more traditional males actually prefer.

I follow some of the traditions, but I have no problem with a girl asking me out. I think part of it has to do with the culture I grew up compared to when it was practically unheard of for girls to ask a guy out.



As far as the debate goes, I have no problem dating multiple girls in the being of a relationship where you are just getting to know the person. But once things start to get serious one girl will do for me. The reason I say this is why limit the number of girls when you are dating around and just getting to know the person. Would I tell the girl what I am doing, no because I don't see a reason to. If I was to dare more than one girl at a time and have serious relationships with them then yes I would tell them. But I don't do that.

[The Great OV!!!]

I have no problem with a girl asking me out.

I depend on it.

[jurupa]

I depend on it.

Hey at least your not curse like me.

[michaelmorgan]

@Tiay: the challenge for a woman is not to find a man (aka date, have sex), but to KEEP him - meaning to keep him faithful.

@Fras: you were OFF-TOPIC Stop hatin'...Besides, it's a consumer society, not a porn society.

@everyone else: that was my contribution too...when things start to get serious and fulfilling for you, it should be better to stop multidating. Due to reasons of ethics, or personal focus, or whatever.

Now if you should inform him or her right away from the very beginning...few could undestand your reasons, especially if these people are more traditional..you'd shoot yourself in the foot before you even start hunting...

It seems ok to me to go under the radar at the beginning, as nobody can be totally honest about themselves even if they want to - there are things they don't know about themselves that get to explode only later in the relationship (like jealousy, for example).
But later you should change the game. For everyone's emotional health.

[Junket]

@Fras: you were OFF-TOPIC

No I wasn't.

[Tiay]

@Tiay: the challenge for a woman is not to find a man (aka date, have sex), but to KEEP him - meaning to keep him faithful.

why the heck should it be generally harder for a man to find a woman than the other way around??

I'm not sure about statistics on infidelity. accurate numbers are really hard to come by. But women cheat quite a lot too, you know.

[elNatural]

No one should ever have to worry about trying to keep their partner faithful. If someone doesnt want to be faithful in a relationship why would anyone want to try and keep that person? The feelings are obviously one sided if that person is unfaithful neways.